Routine Blog!

Breaking news! Saddam Hussein executed. Lindsay Lohan's New Year's Eve plans not affected.

Have you all made your New Year's resolutions? I have not. In fact, I'm not going to. I have some goals for the New Year, but I don't bother with resolutions. Though, I have some suggestions for those of you who do.

Take small steps. I think the problem with New Year's resolutions is that many people make their resolutions too big, too soon. For instance, instead of resolving to quit smoking cold turkey, do so in manageable steps with a not-so-distant future date set for quitting entirely. Here's why I'm suggesting baby steps: Let's say a guy resolves to stop smoking (cold turkey). Then, on January 4, he gets into a fight with a girlfriend, probably over something ridiculous like money or punching her in the face when he was drunk the other night. So he starts hittin' the Jameson and decides he needs a cigarette. Well, he's already blown it. So why stop now? He develops this defeatist mentality because he's already blown his resolution so early into the New Year. The natural reaction is to say "fuck it" and start shootin' smack and pimping his girlfriend to make the rent payments. Next thing you know, he's in prison 'slingin' tits' to keep the Aryan brotherhood at bay.

However, if his goal was to smoke less with the goal of quitting altogether by a feasible date in the future, then he still has a good chance at meeting his objective, thus keeping his sanity and well-being in check without the hassle of having a swastika carved into his ass. I've always felt that New Year's resolutions place too much pressure on an individual to change right away with no buffer zone.

Make realistic goals. People can't just change overnight and it doesn't help to set unrealistic standards for yourself such as the aforementioned ceasing use of tobacco products, losing weight, becoming a nicer person, or solving world hunger. Face it, you're going to be an emphysemic fat asshole for the rest of your life. Ok, just kidding. But why not resolve to do something small at first? Perhaps eat less red meat, give up sugared soda, take some guitar lessons, or buy that new pornographic DVD you've been wanting. Imagine how many ways that will make you feel good. In fact, I can teach you guitar lessons. And then we can watch the porn. But you can't sleep over. I'm not a whore.

Think outside the box. I always hear about the same clichéd resolutions (see above!). Snooze fest, my friends. Why not dare to be different? Why not resolve to gamble more? Developing a new addiction is not something many people make it a point to do, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. How about putting on some weight? While all of your friends are trying to lose inches and get in shape for the new year, why not resolve to pack on 10 lbs of pure lard? Go on girl! Go up 4 dress sizes. That way when all your friends are having salad at dinner, you can look at the waitress and say, "The salad sounds good. Can I get it fried?"

Whatever your resolutions may be, I wish you all the best!

The Routine.

Ok, so here I go again with another blog. I do this every week. It's kinda my routine. But it's not all that bad. The word "routine" really gets bad rap. It is defined as "a regular course of procedure ... a habitual or mechanical performance of an established procedure," according to Merriam-Webster online dictionary. Synonyms for "routine" are often drab, like "plain Jane" and "unremarkable." This word really can't catch a break. So, I am going to attempt to defend the "routine."

Routine is everywhere so we might as well get used to it and like it. Routine is a fact of life. I get up, go to the gym, go to work, come home, eat dinner, check my email, watch a bit of TV, and crank one out to an episode of 'Full House' (I usually finish up right before Danny Tanner has his heart-to-heart father-daughter talk with DJ, Stephanie or Michelle. That shit just kills the mood.) Then I go to bed. That's pretty much my routine. And within that routine are other routines.

In the mornings I'm at the gym. There, I've got a whole other routine: my workout. My friend comes up to me and says, "Hey, I just started a great routine!" His friend comes up to him and says, "After a while your muscles get bored and accustomed to your workout. You should change your routine up every couple months." So I say, "Okay, well, the idea of changing the routine up every couple months is a patterned behavior that eventually becomes routine." This kind of intellectualizing does generally not occur at the gym. In real life, the above conversation would be a series of grunts interrupted by brief stares at the girls on the treadmills.

Here's another example: Some guy goes home and his girlfriend says, "Our love life has become routine. I need you to be more spontaneous." So he surprises her with something new and different every single night until even that becomes routine. "Honey," she says, "the idea of me coming home from work every night not knowing what to expect from you is becoming routine. Maybe you could just stick to one thing. You know, for a change." Does this example make much sense? No. Then again, neither do a lot of women.

There are some times you want things to be routine. Like at the doctors. You want the doctor to tell you that you'll be undergoing a "routine procedure." It implies that you'll be okay and that the doctors are proficient in the practice of said procedure. It's a lot more comforting than, "Well, we've never really done this before. In fact, you're the first. We'll probably fuck it up and kill you. Hope you've updated your will."

When it comes to food, I tend to eat many of the same things at the same times of day. It keeps me energized and I know what kind of foods my body likes and reacts well to. Veterinarians say to feed your dog or cat the same food because if you change it, they become finicky and won't eat. They thrive on routine. Perhaps we could learn something from our pets, besides the idea that being able to lick our own crotches would eliminate a lot of the desire to go out on Saturday nights.

Basically, I've always felt people have too many options and sometimes that can lead to being easily dissastisfied. I like routine. Yes, I do like some spontaneity, but for the most part, I'm a guy who appreciates structure and being able to plan certain aspects of my life accordingly.
Happy New Year!!!!!