Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Mention Tiger Woods, but This Blog is not About Tiger Woods

“I need hot meat” – Old lady at Burger King, whose burger was given to her cold.

And as I stood there in Burger King somewhere along 1-75 waiting for my order, and trying to not to laugh on loud at the old woman, I wondered if there would come a time where an utterance like that would not be funny to me? Where I could pass the Walmart isle and see the packet of “cock flavored soup” and not laugh. (Seriously). One day would I declare, “I want hot meat between my buns” at Burger King, and not see anything dirty about it, the double entendre blissfully escaping me. At what age does that kind of stuff go over your head? Or maybe, there are those who are just better at hiding it. Some folks might fancy themselves above snickering at a dirty pun or the old meat loving lady. I am pretty positive I will never be that person. My mind is in the gutter about 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time I am asleep.

The difference between the 29 year old me and the 10 year old me in this regard is I've learned the appropriate times to let the silly side of me out. A conference call at work is not the time to tell the latest raunchy joke, whereas a a get together with friends (or a blog, perhaps) is the perfect time to get rowdy, tell some off color jokes and remind yourself that's OK to laugh at silly shit. Maturity comes with being able to know when it's OK to be a little immature. There's nothing wrong with letting fun, ridiculous side of yourself out. There have been more than a few times where I have felt part of me is forgetting how to laugh and have fun with life. Growing up does not have to mean growing angry and bitter. So next time life's kicking your ass and you feel you're taking life too seriously, just remember, "I neet hot meat."

Nuts about Trucks!

Hey, so what’s the deal with fake testicles hangin’ off of trailer hitches on vehicles? I have seen these for years and each time I think so myself “Why?” What is the point of this? And why just the balls? Why not have the shaft hangin’ off the back of your truck? Or in your review mirror, that way you can see it. What about the front of the vehicle? How about a set of boobs stuck snugly to your grill...better yet, over your headlights. Isn’t “headlights” a slang for boobs anyway? Anyhow, I understand trailer hitches can be unsightly, but balls? seriously? I'd much rather look at a trailer hitch than fake metal saggy nuts. Neuter your trucks, folks.

Ok, time to be serious. World Hunger, the economy, education, war, health care reform, and puppies.

Now, that we’re over that.

Committed to Helping You Cheat

Have you seen these ads or heard the radio commercials for I know I should not be surprised at this kind of crap, but I was blown away. Basically, is a dating website for married folks. It provides a safe online environment where those looking to have an affair can meet other spineless idiots who also wish to cheat on their spouses. Since Tiger Woods is getting dropped by many of his sponsors, perhaps can pick him up? It's a thought.

The douche bag who runs the site claims he does not advocate adultery, and is only providing a service. Since it is inevitable that people are going to cheat, why not provide a place for them to do it without all the hassle of office affairs, hookers, etc? I get where he is coming from. I am not naive. Fifty percent of marriages fail and adultery is an all-too common thing. (In fact, there are over 3.8 million members of this website. That is staggering!) However, their ads contradict that philosophy. Their ads specifically advocate cheating. “Life is short. Have an affair.” That has more of a ring to it than “If you’re going to do it, do it safely and discretely." The commercial depicts two good looking people wearing next to nothing, kissing and says something to the effect of “These people are married…..but not to each other.” The logo depicts a wedding ring as the “o” in “com”, which then falls flat. The only upside is that is a pay site, which may detract casual philanderers. I guess if you’re going to use, you have to be committed…to cheating.

The CEO is a married man with 2 kids. I can’t imagine the woman that stands behind a husband that openly advocates adultery and says that cheating is our DNA. Self esteem issue perhaps? He says that we put too much emphasis on sex/monogamy within the marriage. Try going home and presenting that argument to your wife as a reason for fooling around on her, fellas. I am sure she will be putting some emphasis on divorce papers. I'll bet when you're living in a one bedroom efficiency apartment sending her half your income each month, you'll wonder if it was worth it. I know some folks don’t believe in marriage, and think monogamy is not natural. So if you believe that, why get married in the first place? If you want a variety of partners, then don’t get married, or better yet, be a porn star. But please, don’t make this shitstain richer than he already is.

Anyhow, my next blog will be my look back at 2009 and hopes for 2010!