Thursday, February 21, 2008

Idol Thoughts, Crime shows and George Lopez

Hey all!

This may be the last blog I write before my liver transplant. Ok, so I wrote that last time too, but I figure one of these days it will be a true statement. Keepin' my fingers crossedJ Anyhow, this is kind of lengthy, but I have a lot to say this week.

American Idol
Ok, most of you know that I've never cared for American Idol. However, I've actually enjoyed watching some of this season with Trine. There's some legitimate talent and I can appreciate that; however, mostly it's just fun to make fun of the atrocious performances. On a positive note, I'm glad that they've let some of the contestants play instruments. It adds some dimension to their performances and allows for creativity and, dare I say it, originality, which is something that I feel this show has always lacked.

My tips to American Idol hopefuls, present and future:
First off, do not smile while you sing. This goes double if you're a guy. It's the creepiest thing I've seen in the performances thus far. It gives off this "I'm going to crawl through your TV and molest you" vibe that gives me the willies. It also makes you look like a cheesy cruise ship or lounge singer that no one enjoys when not actually on a cruise ship or in Vegas.

Secondly, leave Simon Cowell alone. I don't understand why you blame Simon for being brutally honest. He's saying what everyone else is thinking. Paula Abdul is too medicated to give a coherent opinion and Randy Jackson is too busy figuring out what variation of "dogg" or "dude" he is going to overuse for the evening's episode. If you can't handle Simon, you will never handle fame; therefore you're in no shape to be an American Idol. This is the seventh fucking season of the show. If you don't know that Simon is going to rip you apart if you're bad, then you're a moron. Stop pretending Simon is the bad guy and focus your energy on becoming a better performer.

On a related note, do not argue with the judges. If they say you're performance was bad, accept it. Arguing makes you look desperate, pathetic and weak; three characteristics that will not win you favor with the judges or the people voting at home.

Crime Dramas
Let me preface this with the fact that I love crime drama shows on TV. I love Law and Order (SVU is my favorite), CSI (the original and Miami), NCIS and Criminal Minds. But after watching so many of these shows, there are some things that have struck me as rather odd, funny, interesting, etc.

For instance, whenever the lead detective calls the "lab rat/techie" character and asks them to find information on a suspect in the computer, the techie character always knows how to spell the suspect's name, regardless of how complicated it is. Whether it's John Jones or Vlad Kryscyzhkp, they never have to ask for clarification. I find that interesting. Likewise, the techie can also pull up any bit of information possible on a suspect within seconds. The most ridiculous example of this can be found on Criminal Minds.

Then there are these insanely specific databases that, in all likelihood, do not exist. Forensic pathologist: "Well, I analyzed the trace on the victim's hand and it turned out to be chocolate. I ran the sample through the Confectionary Database. It's a chocolate primarily manufactured in the making of Snickers bars. I then analyzed the chemical composition in mass spectrometer. Turns out, it came from a batch of Snickers bars that was shipped to a bodega on 44th St just last week." Come to find out, our prime suspect, Vlad, works at a bodega on 44th. Holy shit! Case closed.

Well, not quite. See, the first suspect is rarely the killer in any crime show, regardless of how probable it seems. Says the lead detective on the case, "We have fingerprint and blood evidence, plus we have six witnesses who saw Vlad shoot our victim, all while shouting, 'I'm Vlad Kryscyzhkp and I'm shooting this man'. However, seeing that it's only 24 minutes into an hour long episode, we must dig further." Turns out, Vlad's twin brother was framing him. You'll find this out in the dramatic twist at about 55 minutes into the episode.

OR maybe not. Perhaps our friend Vlad is the killer. But his lawyer is going to claim not-guilty-by-reason-of-mental -defect. So you get to spend the rest of the episode watching the trial.

Or, there's a bigger picture. Vlad is the killer and he is NOT mentally ill. But the gun had a faulty trigger mechanism. He was waving the gun around, but never pulled the trigger. So they prosecute the gun's manufacturer. There are really countless scenarios, which is why these shows are so popular and how one franchise can have 2 or more spinoffs. These shows are extremely formulaic, but the formulas work well. I'm hooked. I have been for years. I'll admit to watching the same episodes over and over, though I give myself time to forget the outcome.

No Dumping
Hey, speaking of crime, I'm not sure why this needs to be said, but if you accidentally kill someone, or if they die in your company, do not dispose of the body yourself. Call the police. Getting rid of th ebody yourself is stupid and will make you look 100% guilty. The moron in the Natalie Halloway case claims that he was making out with her and she "just died." So he and his friend dumped her corpse in the ocean. Even if you believe this asshole, you have to admit his story has all the cleverness of Scott Peterson's "I was fishing on Christmas Eve in the bay my wife's body would eventually be found" defense. If this putz had nothing to do with her murder, why not just report it to the police? I know, I know. He was scared. I would be, too. But you know what else is scary? Anal rape. That's why I don't want to go to prison. So rest assured, if someone carcs it in my company, I'm picking up the phone and calling 911.

Why Do I watch Awards shows?
Did anyone catch George Lopez at the Grammys? You may have missed it, like me, you were too busy being vomiting up your dinner upon seeing that coked-up junkie Amy Winehouse win big. Apparently, while she scares away erections, she attracts Grammy Awards. What a disgrace. Apparently the enjoyment of "doo wop style music sung by a British crackhound" was greater than I realized. Long story short, Amy Winehouse sucks and her three awards have only gone to further damage the value of "music" awards. Anyways, I'm sure those awards were sold for drug money within hours of the broadcast.

Anyhow, in Lopez's pathetic attempt to be edgy, he said something to the effect that the United States is the only country in which a black man and white woman can run for president of the United States. Is it just me, or is that statement one of the stupidest things ever to be uttered by anyone?

First off, it's a poor attempt to be edgy. Carlos Mencia sucks at it and so does George Lopez. Just cuz you're Hispanic, doesn't mean you can talk race issues and automatically be funny. Just because you're a minority and can actually get away with being racist, it doesn't mean you don't have to be clever. Look at Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock or George Carlin (yes, I realize Carlin is white). Those comedians have funny, insightful and clever takes on race relations. Carlos Mencia thinks saying "wetback", "beaner," and doing an impression of a retarded person make him hilarious. Yeah, he's funny. Like colon cancer. Lopez isn't much better.

In addition, considering there is only ONE United States of America, it goes without saying that the UNITED STATES is the only country in which ANYONE can run for president of the UNITED STATES. Get what I'm saying? Whatever. Lopez has nothing to do with music so what he was doing at the Grammy's is anyone's guess. Then again, the Grammy's don't have all that much to do with music either. (See above rant).

Ok, I'm done. Enjoy your weekend!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Am I The Only One? Part 6: Vol. 2 (or maybe just Part 7)

Hello, sports fans!

Get it? Cuz the SuperBowl was just the other day and...oh, fuck it. I can't hide my disappointment that the Patriots couldn't pull off a perfect season. Nor could I suppress my laughter as Eli Manning tried to sound coherent in his post game interview. I guess we know which Manning brother has the on-camera skills and which one just sounds like a goofy Mississippi mud moose. Miami Dolphins fans are soothing their disappointment over what a horrific season they had this year by the fact that their 1972 team's perfect season record is still in tact. And that's your sports wrap-up.

So basically, I came up with a list of a few more items that leaving me wondering if I'm the only one, hence the title of my blog.

Am I the only one annoyed by these television ads that make is seem like having gray hair is the end of the world? Ok, first off, I do not have gray hair, but I'm pretty sure that gray hair does not make one a social outcast. Secondly, these idiots in these ads look like 25 year olds who've had their heads shoved in the ashes of someone's fireplace. No gray hair on anyone I've ever seen looks that unnatural and stupid. And what about the commercial with the two kids who want their father to be "marketable" again so they give him some hair dye to rid himself of grays. How insane is that? I'm sure those kids are the reason the father has gray hair in the first place. Anyone who's raising such meddlesome brats has got to be at his wits end.

Am I the only one who wonders why homeless people always hang out in the same place? There's a lot of homeless folk down here in Miami and they're always on the same benches day after day. I mean, if you have nowhere to be, why not travel a little bit; try out some new benches or take some walks and meet people.

Am I the only one who thinks that professional athletes should not be allowed to talk on television after a game? I don't think I've ever gleaned anything useful from a post game interview. Then again, interviewers rarely ask an intelligent question in the first place so you can't really expect the athletes' comments to have much value. For example, "So tell me, how did you guys win that game?" Athlete says, "Well, you know what I'm saying, we just went out there and played the best we could, you know? We made passing plays, we made some running plays, and we scored some points, you know? Basically, we just scored more points than the other team, you know?"

Then the interview cuts to the core of the athlete by asking, "How do you feel?" The athlete then pours out his soul: "Good, you know? I feel good. It's a good feeling, ya know, to feel good. It was a good game and we came out feeling good. Good." Ah, well done.

Am I the only one who realizes that regardless of a woman's weight and body type, wearing jeans without back pockets makes her butt look enormous?

Am I the only one who thinks Barack Obama sounds like WWE wrestler turned actor Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? I want to see him get elected president just so he can end his inauguration speech with, "If ya smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell what Ba-ROCK is cookin'!"

Am I the only one who thinks that men who solicit prostitutes should NOT be categorized as sex offenders? There's a huge difference between a guy who diddles a bunch of kids and one who pays some chick in hot pants for a blow job. Soliciting a hooker is essentially a victimless crime. Infidelity is immoral, but it's not illegal and it's certainly no one else's business, aside from the man and his significant other. All the risks associated with paying a woman for sex fall right back on the man, i.e. destroying his marriage (if applicable) or getting a disease.

Ok, back to work.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Am I The Only One? Part 6

Hey all!

This could very well be the last blog I write before my transplant. I just spent six days in the hospital and hope to get my new liver soon. So, I'm gonna try and get a few things off my chest before the doctors begin routing around inside it. Note: Trine points out that the doctors will be operating on my belly, not my chest. However, no one ever says they have something to get off their belly. Please, folks, humor me.

Am I the only one annoyed by the term 'popping corn'? Seriously, Orville Redenbacher, it's pop corn. No one calls it popping corn anymore except you. And that should tell you something. And I'm ranting to a dead guy. That should tell me something.

Am I the only one psyched about the Super Bowl? Go Patriots!

Am I the only one who cracks up at those Diabetes commercials with Wilford Brimley? Come on! I know I'm not. Diabetes is NOT funny; however, "diabeetus" is just fucking hilarious. You'd think that if you're gonna be the spokesperson for an ailment, you could pronounce it correctly. But I can't complain because I'm thoroughly amused.

Am I the only one annoyed by the Cadillac commercial that asks, "When you turn your car on, does it turn you on?" Are they referring to vibrating heated seats? I need clarification. Regardless, I do not have a Cadillac. In fact, I have a 1996 Toyota Carolla w/ 188K miles on it. There's certainly nothing sexy about that.

Am I the only one annoyed by shows that claim to ask the "tough questions?" No show asks the tough questions. "What was it like kissing Justin Timberlake" is NOT a tough question. Celebrities do not want to answer tough questions. And even when an interviewer does get up the gusto to ask "the questions the world wants to know," it's inevitable that the celebrity in question will have a genius Public Relations team that's crafted 10 different ways to evade the question that will, of course, leave the interviewer with a pounding headache. Then again, when you make your living obsessing over the private lives of celebrities, perhaps you get what you deserve.

On a related note: Am I the only one elated when a member of the paparazzi gets punched in the face or has their camera smashed? Frankly, it doesn't happen nearly enough.

Am I the only one annoyed by blood donation advocates? Ok, lemme explain. I have nothing against blood donation, per se. However, with the blood mobiles come these people who stand outside the blood banks and harass the ever-loving shit out of you. For example, being on the transplant list, I cannot give blood. This is none of their business, yet I feel the need to make excuses because I would donate blood if I could. I do not owe these assholes any explanation, but I can't help feel a bit guilty. Then I just get pissed.

Here's how a typical conversation with one of these leeches goes:

"Don't forget to donate blood today!"
"Maybe some other time."
"How about today?!"
"Another time."
"What? Do you hate helping people?"
"You don't want my blood." (I've actually said this.)
"What? Do you have AIDS or something?"
"Do you share dirty needles with street folk?"
"No, I just don't want to donate blood today."
"I hope you and your AIDS have fun worshipping Satan and feeding off of the flesh of infants."
"Ok then."

You realize that's a bit of a dramatization, but not by much.

Well, it's Friday morning, I'm working from home, Niles, my puppy, is chillin' by my feet and the sun is shining. It's a good day! And I must reiterate: go Patriots!!!!