Monday, November 27, 2006

Kramer vs. Jesse

I've never been one to tackle the issue of race. Society taught me that because of the way white people acted long before I was even thought of being born, I am to have no opinion whatsoever about race issues. Sounds fair, right? Ok, (takes deep breath, clears throat and adjusts posture) here I go:

The backlash of Michael Richards' racist rant has been fiercer than I imagined. This week, in an attempt to "let the healing begin," Richards met with Jesse Jackson on his radio show to discuss the incident that, apparently, has shattered the black community. Now, without trivializing the incident, I had no idea that the well-being of the black community (a rather large group of individuals) hinged upon what that guy who played "Kramer" on Seinfeld thinks. It's actually sort of ridiculous, and would probably be news to most black folks who actually have better things to do with their lives than concern themselves with this bullshit. But good news for fellow Caucasians: I have been in touch with Jaleel White a.k.a. "Steve Urkel" from the hit sitcom Family Matters and he has advised me that he thinks white folks are just terrific.

In an email to, one reader wrote, "He [Richards] has single-handedly left an ugly blotch on mankind." This statement made me laugh because up until last week I think most people had forgotten Richards existed and now he's seemingly changed the face of race relations as we know it. Then again, the last guy who polarized the nation regarding race had to kill his ex-wife to do it, so I think we're actually making progress.

Here's how I see it: people can be bigoted, stupid, easily angered, and impulsive, and sometimes these things conspire at one point in time and a bad decision is made. If you happen to be a celebrity, then things get complicated. Again, I am in no way condoning his tirade, but I don't see this incident as one that warrants the attention it's getting. Richards claims his comments were made "out of anger, not bigotry." I see this ordeal as one guy getting angry and lashing out at some people who were being disrespectful while he was on stage. Unfortunately for him, they were black. If the audience members were white and obese, perhaps Richards would have called them "fat asses" and it would have been a mere blip on the news radar. Or Richards would end up on Oprah show having to explain that he really has nothing against overweight people. Except Rosie O'Donnell. She's evil.

Now, returning to Jesse Jackson. For him to urge the public to not buy Seinfeld DVDs is just ridiculous and does not in any way show the level of forgiveness and compassion that this man supposedly has. If you're gonna consider yourself the spokesperson for an entire race of people, try not to be such a big fuckin' baby. Call me crazy, but I don't think boycotting Seinfeld would have any effect on race relations in this country. On the other hand, letting the Wayans brothers continue to make films is definitely a step in the wrong direction.

One thing that I do agree with is Jackson's urging the usage of the "n-word" in entertainment be stopped, including in rap lyrics, which is probably where the most abundant use of the word is these days. I want to make it clear that I do not advocate censorship at all. It should be up to the artists to use or not use the word, but understand that a black person saying the "n-word" should be no more acceptable than a white person saying it. If we're going to try and preach racial tolerance, it should be universal. If a black person uses racial slurs towards another black person, how is that less offensive? To me it's both offensive and stupid.

As far as I'm concerned, there are so few entertainers who approach the issue race with any sort of intelligence and the less of it we see, the better. I'm sorry but, "you ever notice how white people buy a lot of khakis" is not a funny joke. It's true, but it's not funny.

There is a ton of racially biased and outright racist content on television, but as long as it's not a white person saying it, then apparently it's acceptable. And I'll never understand the popularity of Carlos Mencia who, because he is non-white, seems to have the right to disrespect every race, color, creed, and religion imaginable. Honkys, beaners, wetbacks, ha-ha…we get it. Moving on…..Let's face it: the only reason Carlos Mencia is popular is because Chappelle's Show went off the air.

Anyhow, this issue can't be neatly packaged up into a nice conclusion. All I can say is that racial discrimination will always be an issue in this country, as will discrimination of all types. The more sensitive and 'politically correct' people try to be, the more the pronounced our differences become. When I think about how political correctness has infested our culture, I believe that perhaps our tolerance levels have actually decreased over the years. Political correctness doesn't change our differences, but only serves to highlight them in a pathetic attempt to appear 'sensitive.' So fuck that. It's all bullshit.

But that's just this cracker's opinion.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Judgement free zones?

Spoiler alert!

The following blog contains the word "fuck," "bullshit" and "marshmallow." Some readers may find its content humorous, angry, harsh, and/or politically incorrect. That is my intent. Happy reading.

The big news this week is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, referred to by idiots as TomKat, finally got married in a castle in Italy in front of friends, family, and their little baby daughter who is named after some sort of Chinese food item. They even wrote their own vows. While I wasn't able to secure the full transcripts, I have it on good authority that at one point Katie looked into Tom's eyes and, emulating Cruise's character in Jerry McGuire, said, "You had me at 'hello, let's have a baby and eat the placenta.'" Then they engaged in a long kiss that made everyone feel very uncomfortable, but was probably Cruise's way saying to the public, "If I was gay, how could I kiss a woman for this long?" How indeed, Tom. How indeed.

Dammit! I had this whole rant written about O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," and coinciding television special and I just logged onto the to find that both the book and interview have been cancelled, therefore my diatribe is pointless. Now, since we'll never know how O.J. would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, we'll have to settle for knowing how he did.

Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from 'Seinfeld,' shocked an audience the other night by yelling out the "n-word" to a fan who was heckling him during a stand-up comedy routine. After his tirade, another audience member yelled, "It's not funny. That's why you're a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies. 'Seinfeld,' that's it." While that doesn't excuse Mr. Richards' actions, the audience member couldn't be more wrong. Michael Richards has numerous movie and television appearances to his credit, including UHF w/ 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Problem Child w/ John Ritter, Airheads with Adam Sandler and Brendan Fraser, and even an appearance on 'Miami Vice' and 'Hill Street Blues.' There are few things worse than a misinformed heckler. Except maybe some has-been actor yelling out racial slurs to an audience. When asked for comment, Jerry Seinfeld said, "Who is Michael Richards?"

Ok, here's the story that really pisses me off.

In Wappinger Falls, NY, a former bodybuilder turned corrections officer was escorted out of a Planet Fitness gym by the police for grunting while squatting 500 lbs. Yes, I said grunting. To be fair, he was asked to stop grunting, but was escorted by police only after he refused and allegedly swore at the employee. Nevertheless, I'm so pissed off that I'm having a hard time finding the right words. I'm almost tempted to just write the word "fuck" 50 times and end it there, but I consider myself to be good with words and you probably expect better from me.

Let me clarify that while I do not consider myself a bodybuilder per se, I take my weightlifting, diet, and physical appearance very seriously. Therefore, I get upset at these chains of "gyms" popping all over the place claiming to "Judgment Free Zones" or gyms "for the rest of us," which apparently means they cater primarily to people who like saying they work out more than actually putting their bodies through any rigorous activity. FYI: answering your cell phone does not count as a bicep curl.

These "judgment free zones" are bullshit because they discriminate against those who lift heavy weights. People don't grunt because it's fun, they grunt because it's a natural reaction to exerting energy, which is what you should be doing if you're exercising*.

*exercising not defined as doing a set of 10 crunches and then talking for a half-hour about last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy.

For me, and many others, going to the gym is more than a conversation piece, it's a lifestyle. These "gyms" claim to be non-intimidating atmospheres, which is total crap. Feeling intimidated and having someone actually intimidate you are two completely different things. If someone has bigger muscles or a thinner waistline than you, deal with it. You either find the motivation to try and better yourself and reach your desired goals, or you go home, rent a movie, break out the Ben & Jerry's, masturbate, cry, go to bed, and then wake up and start all over again. I'm not a grunter, I don't drop weights too often, and I would never intentionally humiliate or intimidate another gym member, regardless of their size or strength. However, I refuse to compromise my routines in the gym because some marshmallow might feel 'intimidated.' There are lots of guys less muscular than me, and plenty of them that are more muscular. Some of it is genetics and some of it is dedication, diet, and hard work. Ok, and yes, some of it is steroids. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all then you have the facts of life, the facts of life.

Well, I want to end on a positive note by saying Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Keep safe this holiday season. Remember, no video game system is worth getting shot over, even though the natural urge when in a Walmart store is to take a human life.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Am I the Only One? Part 3

Am I the only one who thinks some commercials need to lighten up on the sexual overtones? For example, take the ads for You've got this hot chick dressed in all white with a big red "O" necklace on and a low cut dress to show off her cleavage (Ok, honestly, no complaints so far.) Their slogan: "It's the 'O'." Red, of course, is the color most associated with sex and "the O" is alluding to an orgasm. Why are we sexualizing this website? Has anyone achieved orgasm over saving $3 on a toaster? God, I hope not. And if I've got a hard-on, is NOT the website that I'm gonna be logging onto.

And likewise, please don't use the words "sensual", "passion", or "ecstasy" when describing yogurt. It's just gross and creepy.

Am I the only one disturbed when an actor/actress gets special attention and accolades for gaining/losing weight or becoming "average" or "ugly" for a movie/TV role? Congratulations! Through movie magic, make-up, intense sessions w/ your personal trainer to-the-stars, yoga, Pilates, and an all lettuce diet, you managed to appear "average." I woke up average this morning. It's not that hard. Where's my award?

Am I the only one disturbed by Christmas carols in October? I don't want to think about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. It's just gotten way too commercial for me. Christmas season seems to come earlier every year. Only after I scoop that last bit of Pumpkin Pie into my mouth on Thanksgiving will I start getting excited about Christmas. That way, I am able to pretend (just a little) that there's some sort of meaning left to Christmas besides the obligation to buy, buy, buy. I know, I'm naïve.

Am I the only one sick of school violence? I just am. Fuck. I have no solution, no serious ideas for how to quell the rash of school shootings or how to go about preventing such atrocities. Just fucking stop. Jonesboro, Columbine, Canada, Michigan, etc. These kids are just proving their tormenters right; that they're a bunch of losers who can't handle life. High school is not that hard. Teenage life is not that hard. If these kids would realize that there's more to life than video games and jerking off to a dog-eared copy of Mein Kampf, then perhaps they'd learn how to fit in just a little bit. Hey, Eric and Dylan (Columbine killers): guess what? Trench coats aren't cool, Wolfenstine 3D was outdated, Hitler sucked, and Marilyn Manson still sucks. You accomplished nothing in life or death, except paved the way for a bunch of high school cast outs to think bringing a gun to school might just make people realize how justified their existence is. You deserved every swirlie, wedgie or wet willy you ever got. Assholes.

Am I the only one who likes when the leaves change colors in the fall? I love it. This is a nice time of year. I have nothing negative to say about this topic. Just thought I'd give the throbbing vein in my forehead a chance to calm down before I continue.


Am I the only one not surprised that Survivor: Cook Island's little racial experiment only lasted two weeks? Seriously, did anyone actually think today's society could handle that? It's not the 70's anymore. People are so sensitive and politically correct these days, that we're actually MORE uptight than ever about issues such race and sex.

Speaking of sex….

Am I the only one saddened by the idea that this society treats gays like entertainment, rather than people? Will and Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Boy Meets Boy, Brokeback Mountain, Tom Cruise, etc. They're good enough to laugh at or take fashion advice from, but God forbid they want to be married or not be persecuted for their sexual orientation. I don't know if people are born gay, but I certainly don't believe they choose to be gay. You don't choose who you're attracted to. And with gays it doesn't make sense. Why would someone "choose" to go through all the bullshit that gays go through in this country of uptight, hypocritical, two-faced assholes? It's sad when you'd alienate an entire class of people just because of who they have sex with. Grow the fuck up. Isn't alienating people because of the color of their skin enough? Now I'm just confused.

Am I the only one amused by the fact that we have to have laws telling us not to have sex with animals or dead people? Seriously. That cracks me up. That means that someone HAD to have done it and the cops were like "Um, stop." And then a law had to be passed and the judge would say "Wow. We have to make this a law? I sorta thought it was obvious. But ok." I imagine that's gotta be quite a reputation to live down. Or so says my friend, Lenny the Corpsefucker.

And the what about the guy who gets caught fucking a dead animal? What would his defense be? "Whoa! I didn't know it was dead!"

Ok, back on track....

Lastly, am I the only one who thinks that maybe fat, white men who haven't gotten a blow job since the Nixon administration shouldn't be so quick to tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies? Obviously, I'm speaking of abortion. Let me get this straight: Abortion is wrong, yet cumming in your pants when some criminal gets executed by the state is somehow acceptable? Ok, I'm getting a headache.