Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Boys and ghouls, it's time for another frighteningly poignant blog. It's so funny, it's SCARY!! You just may DIE laughing hahahah!

Ok, so I'm not quite as quick with a pun as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt was, but being in the spirit of Halloween, I have decided to jot down some aspects of Halloween that I enjoy, as well as some things that annoy me. Read on….if you dare!!

Horror movies
During most of October, television stations are always playing horror movies, which range from classics like Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Omen, and The Exorcist, to newer movies such as The Ring, The Grudge, and Halloween 12: This Mike Meyers Shit Again? Ok, I made I that last one up. I love scary movies. There are few things better than turning out all the lights and throwing on a good horror flick, preferable in the company of a pretty girl who scares easily and deals with her fright by randomly taking off articles of clothing. Between all the remakes, spin offs, sequels and prequels, I can't help but long for something original and innovative. Zombie movies are all the same and the formula is wearing out its welcome in my eyes and most of the originals are just a lot of scary music building up to a "boo!" and then….nothing, or mindless gore with no real plot. Old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries hosted by that walking corpse Robert Stack scare me more than most of the 'scary' movies coming out these days.

I'll tell you what I am a fan of: freak animal movies. Snakes, spiders, ticks, sharks, bats, cats, rats, gnats, I don't give a shit. As long as you blow them up to ridiculously large scale sizes and make them bloodthirsty killers, then you've got my attention.

Pumpkins kick ass. Pumpkin pie is delicious and I could live on pumpkin bread alone, though I'm not much for pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin carving is not only a great way to utilize the rest of the pumpkin, but can be a creative way to showcase your artistic talent and the fact that you have too much time on your hands, not unlike these blogsJ Please don't confuse pumpkins w/ gourds. I don't even know the fuck gourds are all about. Fun Fact: Did you know the inside of the pumpkin is known as the "meat"? Gross.

Ok, this doesn't really have much to with Halloween, but at this time of year I can enjoy both the World Series, football all day on Sundays and Monday night as well. So I have something to switch on during the commercial breaks of The Halloween Chainsaw Living Dead Massacre on Elm St II: Chucky goes to Space Camp.

Women's Halloween attire
I like seeing scantily clad women as much as the next hetero guy. When I can tell what color panties a girl has on from across the room, I know I'm having a good night. I'm just making that clear to you folks. But lately, I've been noticing how uncreative women are when it comes to Halloween. I'm sorry ladies, but wearing a short skirt and a low cut top and a headband with devil horns on it is NOT a costume. Minus the headband, it's pretty much what every chick wears every weekend at every bar in every town everywhere. Hot? Yup. Sexy? Sure, but not a costume. If I wanted to see slutty looking chicks (and I do), then I'd hit up the bars on Saturday nights (which I do). Ladies, don't be surprised when you go to a Halloween party see 100 other women dressed in the exact same get up as you. You don't all have to wear school girl uniforms. This is your chance to be sexy, but also creative. Show us all you're more than a sweet rack and tight caboose.

Trick or Treating
I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. But now that I'm older, and on the other side of the door come October 31, I realize there's only a small age group that I really enjoy seeing on my doorstep. Some kids are too young to comprehend what's going on, and while they're cute, they have no use for candy and are probably not cognizant of what is happening. If baby still breastfeeds, baby don't need no candy.

It's the 3-9 age group that really seem to appreciate and enjoy Trick-or-Treating for more than simply getting candy. They're all excitable, into the spirit of Halloween and truly grateful when they get candy from you.

Then you've got the 10-15 year old kids who are just pricks They proclaim, "trick or treat" with all the emotion of Lurch from The Addams' Family, and just stand there waiting for your candy. And God forbid it's not to their liking; they'll let you know on the spot. "Ugh! This candy sucks," to which I reply," You know what else sucks? Getting stabbed in the chest. Move the fuck along!"

Lastly, basically anyone older than high school age has no business soliciting candy. You're now old enough to stay home, dress up like a giant penis or a keg, laugh at how clever you are, and then collapse in a pile of your own candy corn laden vomit.

Kids' Costumes
Whatever happened to kids dressing up as good ol' vampires, witches, ghosts, goblins, and Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, OBGYN? I start to feel a little old when I don't recognize half the costumes. "Oh how cute! A giant piece of pineapple with shorts on. Oh, you're Spongebob Squarepants, huh? Is he a rapper?"

Ok, I'm not that out of touch, but you get the idea.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, and Snickers were always my favorite candy bars. All the other stuff was incidental and used as bartering with my brother to secure more of the candy that I liked. Fuck tootsie rolls, and def. fuck candy that is too generic to even have anything but plain orange wrapper. Where does one even buy this candy?! When I was younger, I neither knew nor cared about fat content, calories, or sugar. How I long to blissfully destroy my body again.

I always remembered the few houses that would give you full size candy bars. And of course, the opposite side of the spectrum was those fuckers who gave me Necco wafers. Hmmm…I wonder what dried spackle tastes like? If someone were to make "asshole" into a candy, what would it taste like? I reckon it'd taste like Necco wafers. And Whoppers. God help me, I hate Whoppers.

Myths and rumors
A few years back at U of Hartford there was a rumor going around that a popular TV psychic (Sylvia brown, I think) had predicted a mass murder at a college campus with a building shaped like an X. For those of you unfamiliar with U of Hartford, there is a dorm called Regents Park that, from the air, resembles an X (actually, it's more like a swastika, which is interesting for a campus with a 25% Jewish population). Regardless, nothing happened, and I still don't trust anything I hear on Montel Williams to this day. But it still freaked people out and was a nice addition to the Halloween mood.

Also, there's the famous 'razorblades in candy' cautionary tale that you always hear about. Sadly, I never did find any razorblades in my candy. I think it would have made a good story. It'd be something to tell the grandkids, assuming that I found razorblade before I bit into the candy and still had a tongue to orate my evil discovery.


Ok, so what does Halloween have to do w/ Christmas? Well, if you've been in a fucking store lately, then you'd think pretty much everything. It seems as if we're bypassing Thanksgiving and trying to whore Christmas out to as many people as possible as soon as possible.

Simpson's Tree House of Horror
While I greatly enjoy these specials, I'm upset that because of the World Series, they're now on TV after Halloween. D'oh! By November 5, I'm over Halloween. This guy's looking to the future. Eat my shorts!

Devil's Night
Also known as Mischief Night. It's the night before Halloween. It is the night for toilet papering houses, egging houses and cars, ringing doorbells and running, leaving only flaming bags of dog shit behind, and all that truly juvenile stuff. Wouldn't it be a shame if one of these kids, while attempting to toilet paper a tree in my yard, accidentally got their foot caught in a rusty bear trap that happened to be lying around? Wait, did I say "a shame"? I meant fucking hilarious.

Happy Halloween everyone!!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Obituaries

I read the obituaries. Most people think they're morbid. I do not. In fact, I think that these obituaries can be the least morbid section of the paper. All throughout the papers, you read stories of murder, rape, assault, abuse, robbery, white collar crime, and people doing other awful things to other people. And of course, let's not forget our daily dose of the happenings in the Middle East: suicide bombers, terrorists, fires, explosions, and yet more of our Americans being blown up in the name of oil, re-election (by garsh, it worked!), and (somehow) freedom. And then we have little Agnes Jones who died in her sleep at the ripe age of 88. That seems pretty tame in comparison. Maybe the reason I like the obits is because, with some exceptions, it reminds me that people actually DO live long full lives and die of natural causes. I'm not saying cancer and disease are good things, but they're natural and, as sad as they are, they are a part of life, as opposed to being drowned in a bathtub by your lunatic mother (wait, killing 5 children is wrong?) or raped in the seminary by someone you've trusted with your spiritual well-being.

But there are some things about the obituaries that always bugged me.

I'm a curious guy and sometimes the obituaries aren't detailed enough for me. When someone dies "suddenly," they don't often elaborate. C'mon! "Tom Jones, 48, died suddenly Monday night when he was struck by car. The driver was identified as Mona, a 350 lb grizzly bear, reported missing from the San Diego Zoo." Yes! Now, that's the epitome of suddenly.

Conversely, some obits are quite wordy and I find myself drifting off about the time they get to the part about the deceased's service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, his affinity for bocce ball, and the 23 other relatives who preceded him in death. For Heaven's sake, James Joyce, put down the pen. And Danielle Steele, when you get to the part of about him being reunited with his deceased wife so the two can now hold hands in Heaven and make sweet sweaty love in the back of a Ford Model-T in the midst of God's holy splendor…well, then you've just lost us all. It's a death notice, not a Harlequin novel.

And what's wrong with "dying." Why does the word "die" in an obituary seem to be a dirty word? You ever notice that not many people "die"? Many "pass on", "pass away", "cross over" "soar with the angels", "join God's heavenly flock," "enter Heaven" , "leave this world" or some other useless phrase that does nothing to change the facts. There is nothing wrong with saying someone died. Though I suppose you could get clinical:

"Tom Jones, beloved husband and father, ceased oxygen intake Monday night as a result of a severe myocardial infarction that occurred when an atherosclerotic plaque slowly built up in the inner lining of his coronary artery and then suddenly ruptured, totally occluding the artery and preventing blood flow downstream. He was 48 years old." (Thank you, Wikipedia)

But then again, you do pay by the line. So, if you're gonna get cute, there are some other fun euphemisms for death that can be used. For instance, "Tom Jones, son of Earl and Betty Jones, bought the farm Monday night…" I'd love to read an obit that used the phrases "kick the bucket" "took a dirt nap" "pushin' up daisies", "no longer eligible for census" or "became worm food". That'd be so funny, I might cross over laughing.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being old. I'm sort of taking some cues from George Carlin here, but our world has a fear of aging and of being old. Admittedly, I'm a small part of it. I work out and eat (relatively) healthy in attempt to look good and stave off certain signs of aging, but word old doesn't bother me much. I saw an obituary once for a man who had recently…um….died. Not only did the obituary read "90 years young" but the picture they published of this man was from at least 60 years previous. So not only could his delusional family not acknowledge that he was "old", but they couldn't bare to show a picture of him as he was, which I find to be quite insulting to old folks in general, and the deceased specifically. That's fuckin' denial.

Woo! Not bad for a Monday.

Monday, October 16, 2006

The Hazards of the Road (this is a long one!)

Did you know that in 2005 alone, there were 39,189 fatal car crashes in the United States? If you googled (love that word!) 'car accident statistics', then you would. You would also know that Thanksgiving is one of the most dangerous weekends for auto accidents. It's coming up, so be vigilant.

I've wanted to vent about the hazards of the road for a while now, but just never got around to it. Now seems like as good a time as any, seeing as I almost got killed Friday night by some fucking maniac who practically rear ended me and ran me off the road at 90 mph while blinking their high beams at me and changing lanes simultaneously. Sound confusing? Well, it was enough for me to dial up the State Police and let them know they'll likely be scraping some bodies off the highway before the night is over. I hope that this guy was drunk for the simple reason that anyone who drives like that normally should not only have their license revoked but be forbidden to go within 500 yards of a car, road, or fellow human being.

With statistics what they are, it surprises me how lightly people seem to take driving. We got 2 dead in the Midwest from e-coli tainted spinach and the country goes apeshit, recalls all the country's spinach, and practically declares spinach illegal, but we've got tens of thousands of people dying each year in fatal car crashes, no doubt many of them preventable, and people barely bat an eyelash, nor go about changing their driving habits. Cars are not inherently dangerous, but they become weapons when you get careless, disrespectful people at the wheel.

Yes, I have road rage. It's more internal and I don't act upon it. I tend to just get angry and the words that come out of my mouth would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush. I just get frustrated because when I'm driving, I keep a basic idea of what/who is around me and have respect for fellow drivers, even the ones who plainly don't deserve it, namely those who subject to me to bumper sticker wisdom such as, "it's a child, not a choice" and "have you hugged a tree today?"

Likewise, I'm not a fan of decals, namely the famous one of Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes) urinating. It's overdone and not funny or clever. I'll admit, I have a decal of Charlie Brown taking a shit on Lucy's chest, but I keep it off my car. I know where to draw the line.

Joking aside….

Yes, I have been in a car accident, but I have never caused one. I have gotten a speeding ticket in the past and do believe that 80 mph is a nice safe speed for the highways. Am I an example of a perfect driver? No. I speed on back roads, and if no cars are around, I will make rolling stops at stop signs, rather than complete stops. Yes, I'm a bad boy. Mothers, hide your daughters away. I might just take them out for a wild night of turning without signaling and passing on the right hand side.

I've come a long way since that blustery December day in 1996 when I took my driving test and was awarded my license. Not many know this, but I came close to failing. You know why? Because after the driving portion of the test, when I parked, I neglected to turn the lights off. Yes, 2 p.m. in the afternoon and I had no idea that the lights were even on. And for this the old bastard almost failed me. On a related note, I still remember the words that my Drivers Ed teacher said one day. He asked us to look around the class and said simply, "At least one of you will be killed in a car accident within six months." Ironically, he died of a heart attack not long afterwards.

Now there are certain road hazards and that I cannot pretend to be above. Yes, I do have a hands free set for my cell phone. It's in my glove compartment, where it's been since Christmas of last year when my mother gave it to me. That being said, I also don't have long conversations on the phone in the car. I keep the conversations functional ("you want me to pick up some milk?"), not recreational, ("Oh. My. God. You'll never guess who I saw at the mall?! Jessica! Yeah, right? Seriously. She got so fat since prom"). I will agree that talking on the cell phone in the car is distracting, and I confess to not being at my peak driving ability while on it. And this topic of distraction also covers putting on make-up, shaving, and "road head."

Also, I cannot understand why traffic backs up for miles when there is an accident...on the other side of the road? Can't people rubberneck at 60 mph? I understand that a bitchin' car wreck can totally make the commute to work better, and I appreciate the sight of mangled metal just as much as the next guy, but still...keep it moving!

And it boggles my mind that you have thousands of fully functional human beings capable of dressing themselves and going to the bathroom without the assistance of licensed care professional, yet these same people cannot figure out how to successfully merge into traffic from an on-ramp.

Not to sound like a Drivers Ed teacher, but the left lane, also known as the passing lane, or fast lane, is for…you guessed it: passing and driving fast. If you can't go at least the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Likewise, if I'm doing 80 in the fast lane, and you come up behind me doing 95 mph flashing your brights, do NOT expect me to change lanes, especially when doing so would put me behind a slower moving car that I'm attempting to pass. Basically, if you show me your high beams, I show you my brake lights. And if you show me your middle finger, I'll fuck your wife when you're not home. Don't test me.

Conversely, people who drive too slowly are equally as dangerous as those with lead feet. If you can't handle the speed limit, stay off the high way and take the back roads. And if you're slow due to being 90 years old and not being able to see above the steering wheel, then just stay home or have someone younger, perhaps the hot 75 year old down the hall, drive you around.

Next up, motorcycles. I have nothing against them, per se. But I do have a problem with these idiots on Suzuki "crotch rockets" who zip in between cars at a buck-ten, or perhaps when the rest of us in cars are in traffic, and think that because their vehicle can fit in between the other vehicles on the road, that somehow traffic laws don't apply to them. Listen dickheads, or "organ donors" as I've heard them referred to as, you're riding a bicycle with a motor on it and your vehicle has a kick stand. Grow up or stay off the road. And that hot chick on the back of your bike? Well, she'll dump your ass as soon as she meets a guy who rides a Harley. Just be prepared.

Also, the breakdown lane is for broken down vehicles (and emergency personnel) not assholes who don't want to sit in traffic. Next person who passes me in a breakdown lane while I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic will be getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy, meaning I will come into your house one night and knock all your teeth out with a sock full of quarters. Another thing that irks me is people who are in such a hurry that they creep up under the red light so that as soon as it turns green, they're off, leaving only a trail of exhaust behind and the rest of us thinking, "Wow, it must be so cool to have to be somewhere that badly. Perhaps dinner with a high ranking government official or maybe they're just late for their bikini wax." But the problem is, the assholes get so far under the light, that they can't see it anymore, so when it turns green, they're still sitting there holding up traffic while my blood pressure spikes and I lose about 7 minutes off of my life.

Lastly, you have these people who are forced to merge into another lane either to get off an exit, or because their lane is ending, and they wait until the last possibly minute to merge because, apparently, their parents raised them to believe that they're superior to everyone else and can't be bothered with waiting in line like the rest of us. Well if you're one of those people, I've got a secret to tell you: Come closer….closer….Ready?.... Your parents were WRONG! You ain't any better than me or the guy in that SUV back there. Don't expect my car to yield to you. I've been sitting in this lane for 10 minutes since about 1000 feet back that way, listening to some awful Top 40 song on the radio, going 5 miles per hour waiting to get off this exit ramp and you zoom along next to me and think that because you've got nowhere else to go, that I MUST let you in. Sorry, bub. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points at self) This guy! (Yes, I stole that from 'Scrubs.')

Basically, all I'm asking is that people show a little more respect for each other on the road. Acknowledge the fact that you're behind the wheel of a vehicle, which unlike those matchbox cars we played with as kids, can actually do damage to other cars. People die every day from careless mistakes of others. If you feel the need to drive 100 mph, then move the fuck to Germany. If you're more at pace w/ 50 mph on the highway, then take the nearest exit, catch the early bird special at Denny's and stick to back roads.