Friday, January 18, 2008

Tiger Attacks! Tiger Attacked!

Breaking News! Bush to send 10,000 American troops to Washington to force economy to get better.

(Just kidding! He'll most likely leave it for the next president to deal with, right along with the Error on Terror in the middle east and the social security debacle.)

Happy New Year, folks! This is my first blog of 2008. Welcome. We've got a lot to discuss.

One sure sign that you're out of shape: You hurt your shoulder taking off your sock. Seriously.

This guy needs to get healthy and back to the gym full-time. I will admit that since I've been sick and waiting for transplant (and not been able exercise regularly) I've sorta let my nutrition go to hell. I've still lost weight, thought it's due mostly to diminished muscle mass. I still joke, however, that you would have to be sick to eat like I eat and NOT gain weight. But hey, if you're looking to lose weight, and aren't lucky enough to have a liver disorder, there's help out there. You could always try Alli weight loss products! Lose 5-10 pounds in six months! Warning: You may also lose 3-4 friends and 5-6 chairs, depending on just how gassy you are, how oily your anal discharge is and how loose and uncontrollable your stools become. Listen folks, wouldn't it be easier to just exercise a bit and eat better? Losing 5-10 pounds over the course of six months, while commendable, is not a feat of the Gods and doesn't seem worth the disgusting side effects.

Ok, onto the good stuff…

Now, I realize I'm supposed to have compassion when a tragedy occurs, for example, when someone gets eaten by a Tiger...on Christmas. Right? So how wrong is it that I think the tiger got the raw deal in this case? By now, you've all read about the attack at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas Day. One kid was killed and two were attacked by Tatiania, the lovable, cute, stripey 350 lb Tiger, who was also killed following the attacks. And true, the fence around the enclosure was four feet below requirement. Oops. That should not be overlooked. Yet, evidence has come to light that the boys were taunting and yelling at the Tiger. And they had been drinking. And smoking pot. So why is it that everyone acts so surprised and appalled when the tiger attacked, as it would in the wild when it feels threatened? It's the same way people act shocked when someone is attacked by a shark…in the water..where sharks live. The tiger was acting on instinct. It was agitated by the boys' idiotic and disrespectful actions, so it attacked.

Now, I'm definitely not one of those people who think zoos are cruel and that animals should not be penned up. I love zoos, but I also have respect for nature, specifically large 350 lb cats that could take my head off with a quick snap of its jaws. I realize that killing Tatiania was probably the only way to subdue the animal and protect the public from further attacks, however I hope that a lesson comes from all this. Ok, two lessons. First, build enclosures to code, especially around dangerous wild animals. But most importantly, respect nature. Nature can be beautiful, but it can also be very dangerous. It's too bad some have to learn the hard way.

Ok, sometimes I see something and just ask myself 'Why?' In most cases, it's easy to comprehend why people do the things they do, but at times people's reasoning is lost on me. For example, a bank robbery. It's illegal and dangerous, but the motivation is understandable: money, and maybe the sheer thrill of the heist if it's an elaborate Ocean's 11 type scheme. But when I walk into the men's room and head towards my favorite stall (the one furthest from the door, naturally) and see that I cannot use it because someone has stuffed a pound of toilet paper in it, I can't help but wonder 'why?' What's the motivation there? Perhaps someone has a grudge against the maintenance staff.

Phil 'Er Up
Though we're barely three weeks into the new year, a lot crazy stuff has happened. I assume you've heard about the controversy created by Dr. Phil when he barged into Britney Spears' hospital room in an attempt to conduct an intervention, which he planned to air. He scrapped the idea (for now) when critics said he went too far and succeeded in only exploiting Britney Spears for ratings. Shame on Dr. Phil! The irony here is stifling. How can the media accuse someone of exploiting Britney Spears? They all exploit her. She's America's favorite Swamp Trash sweetheart and we can't get enough. It's laughable for the media to even suggest that she's not exploited for ratings on any news program/tabloid TV show on a daily basis. You can't deny it: America feeds off of celebrities and right now we're getting a healthy helping of batshit-crazy baby-dropping redneck au gratin. Eat up!

Other fun stuff:
An Idaho man who claims he saw the biblical 'mark of the beast' on his hand, took a circular saw and cut said hand off. That's bad, but it gets better. He then called 911…but not before microwaving the hand. He had the presence of mind to apply a tourniquet beforeHAND (haha…a pun!) Anyhow, the New Testament contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he, too, will drink the wine of God's fury." In addition, the book of Matthew contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you whole body to do into hell."

I think it's about time that the Bible gets a preface or a warning label of some sort. People obviously cannot be trusted to read it on their own. Readers Beware: The stories contained herein are not to be taken literally. Do not cut off body parts, sacrifice people/ animals in the name of God, or any other inane shit that will kill you or land you in prison.

Well, that's One Way to Break-Up With Her
In other news involving cooking flesh, a 25 year old man in Texas (go figure) was arrested for killing and cooking his girlfriend. He alerted the authorities of his actions and when asked why he did it he said…drum roll please….God made him do it. Of course. Why not mental retardation? Or post-partum depression? Or the fucking smurfs?! Police say it was unclear if he actually ate any of the cooked flesh, some of which was sitting on a plate on the table when police arrived.

Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden (but not from making stupid comments)
Then there's Kelly Tilghman, some twit on the Golf channel, who made a comment about other how golfers who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should lynch him. Apparently, it was a joke, Tiger Woods isn't upset and the two are actually friends. Well, Tiger shouldn't be upset. He's not even black!! Ok, he's part black. But, if you wanna offend Tiger Woods you gotta do better than that. I imagine something like: "Yeah, they should lynch him. Then burn his Kenny G. Cds, shove an eggroll up his ass and do a rain dance around him." I think that covers his background quite well. But kudos to Tiger Woods for not making a big deal about this. Any other idiot would be out there on the golf course with that dopey troll Al Sharpton and 50 reporters around him demanding an apology,Tilghman's termination and reparations for all the racist comments her family may have made over the last 100 years. People are stupid. Be above it. You could buy and sell that bitch a million times over.


Ok, and this shit is the brilliant idea of the editor who just got fired from Golfweek for his brilliant idea. What a colossal moron. Though, in his defense, a noose and the game of golf do go together; I know that five seconds of watching golf on TV and I'm ready to slip one of those bad boys around my neck and head for the nearest jumping off point.

Championship Playoffs this weekend!! Go Patriots.
Lots o' Love - Ry