Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Anna, We Hardly Knew Ye...

Hey All!

I recently moved into a new apartment and have come to find out that my neighbor (who shall remain nameless due to the fact that I don't know his name) has night terrors. How do I know this? About a week after I moved in, I began hearing moaning sounds. Naturally, at first, I thought he was having sex. Good for him! As long as he keeps the noise down and I can still hear the snappy dialogue of Ass Goblins III; we can't all have girlfriends who live in state.

Anyway, after a few nights of this, I noticed that there were no other voices, female or otherwise, nor any of your usual sex talk ('Ooh, that feels good,' 'take it all', 'oops. Wrong hole!'). Now, you may wonder 'was he simply taking matters into his own hands?' I thought about that, but don't believe self gratification to be the case. Then, the other night, the moaning began around 10pm and lasted well past 4am. I know this because I was periodically awakened by it. Some of it sounded like the usual exaggerated moans, but other times he sounded downright frightened. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that my neighbor has frequent nightmares. I am only sharing this with you because it's kind of interesting. And I really wanted to use the 'wrong hole' joke. Sweet dreams!

Partly cloudy with a chance of my foot in your ass!
I don't care much for weathermen. I'm not sure what they're like in other parts of the country, but here in the Northeast, especially this time of year, weathermen seem extremely arrogant and condescending to their public. I'll be watching the news on a mild winter day, like many we've had this year and the weatherman will say something like, "You think this mild weather's going to continue? Think again!" Why not add "asshole" at the end just to drive the point home? Truthfully, I don't like their tone. I don't like to feel like I'm being talked down to by someone who basically plays with a video game all day. Or when they pull this shit: "It's going to be a messy commute tomorrow morning. Tune in at 11 to find out just how messy." No, dickweed, tell me NOW. If I stay up past 11 pm, only to find out that I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow because I'll have to de-ice my car and my usual 20 minute commute is gonna be doubled, then, my friend, I've just fucked myself out of quite a lot of time. I look forward to the day that weather.com and the Internet put these putzes out of work. And what about weathermen who live in climates that are pretty much stable all year long? Like San Diego. How must it feel to know your job can be replaced by a window?

No woman, No Cry
In Tennessee, a man busted into his neighbor's apartment armed with a sword after hearing what he thought were the sounds of a woman being raped! Turns out, the neighbor was just watching a pornographic movie. How awkward. That reminds me of the time that I called Animal Control on my neighbor after hearing what I thought was a cat being sodomized while the radio played. Turns out, it was just an Ashlee Simpson video. Believe me, anyone can make that mistake.

So I've gotten the impression that those from other parts of the world seem to think that we Americans don't know much about what goes on in other parts of the world. And honestly, I tend to agree with this. What with American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith's body/baby drama, and Britney Spears slowly going fucking bonkers, who has time to care about the rest of the world? Well, I do.

In the UK:
Prince Harry will be deployed to Iraq in a few months to begin serving his country by living out every adolescent boy's fantasy of driving a fuckin' tank! Bloody awesome! And when he's not leading his battalion into battle, he'll be pretty easy to spot: he'll be the fellow goose-stepping his way across Baghdad. Seriously, Harry, leave the Nazi uniform at home. You're about 65 years too late. Cheerio!

In Amsterdam:
Beginning March 4, a gym in Amsterdam is offering training sessions for nudists. The staff will be fully clothed and there to eject anyone who comes to the gym just to ogle the nekkid people. I'm assuming the staff will be extra vigilant in making sure that patrons wipe down the machines after use. Gross! By the way, much like the topless deck on a cruise ship or a nudist beach, the people who will likely take advantage of this offer are probably not the type of people you'd like to see getting buff in the buff. And frankly, there are some exercises that no one should have to watch people do while naked. Squats anyone?

In Afghanistan:
President Cheney is unhurt after a suicide bomber blew himself the fuck up outside of the military base that Cheney was staying at. The Taliban claimed responsibility (they posted a bulletin on their MySpace page) and said Cheney was the intended target of the attack. The Afghan president put the death toll at 23, while U.S military said it's more like…nine, and also said that Cheney was NOT the intended target. So the truth lies somewhere in between what our less-than-honest and up-front government tells us and the word of a bunch of overzealous religious terrorist assholes. In other words...who wants pancakes?! I'm making pancakes for breakfast! Pancakes, anyone?

Even Without the Ringmaster, the Circus Continues:
Remembering Anna Nicole Smith

Thanks for the Mammaries…
The many phases of Smith's celebrity:
· hot and naked in Playboy
· bangin' the old guy and trying to get his money
· fat, gross and stupid on her TV show
· back to hot and skinny in diet pill ads.

She wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it that Elton John and Bernie Taupin will once again collaborate to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" in tribute to Smith. "Goodbye Trim Spa's queen…." It's a nice thought.

Did you know? Smith willed her entire estate to her dead son and then her infant daughter was awarded custody of her body. Her body will be buried in a cemetery on the Moon, next to the graves of Santa Claus and Barney the Dinosaur.

Judge Babypants
When Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Smith's body to the guardian ad litem for Danniellyn, Smith's infant daughter, he did so while in tears. He claimed to have "suffered" right along with the parties involved. Wow. What kind of people are they letting sit on the bench these days? Aren't judges supposed to be unbiased? Then you have this guy sobbing away like a little girl. What excuse is there for this inappropriate show of emotion? Wait! Could it be that he's the baby's real father? I wouldn't be shocked. The potential list of baby daddy's is beginning to look like a who's who of…..men. Good lord. I'm sure even Marilyn Monroe said "no" once in a while.

Final thought: If you took Britney Spears' children and put them into the custody of a manic depressive child molester with obsessive compulsive disorder, I'm betting they'd still have a better chance at leading a normal life than they do now.

Friday, February 2, 2007

Body Talk

This just in: Tyra Banks gains even more weight by eating up way too much of this country's time and attention.

Quick question: If a vampire coughs up blood, how does he know if he has a serious medical issue, or is just throwing up his dinner?

Glow job
Scientists have found that jumping spiders of both genders seem to 'glow' under UV light and this helps attract mates, as well as scare off other potential predators. According to CNN.com, "Under ultraviolet light, the male and female were seen to hit the 'dance floor' with their bodies aglow" and that "such striking differences between male and female coloration under UV light are crucial in courtship for these jumping spiders." Sounds like the arachnid's equivalent of a rave! If you're wondering how scientists came up with the idea to research this, the conversation went something like this:

Scientist #1: Did you get laid this weekend?
Scientist #2: Nope. But I was thinking about spiders having sex. Do you think they glow?
Scientist #1: Like light sabers in Star Wars?!
Scientist #2: Exactly!

Stupidity: It keeps on growing and growing and growing
In Chattanooga, Tennessee, six high school girls were charged with homicide conspiracy when officials discovered a list of 300 names & online postings suggested that they kill the people listed, which included classmates, school faculty, Oprah, Tom Cruise (understandable), and the Energizer Bunny. While officials are patting themselves on the back for discovering the list and preventing a possible outbreak of violence down the road, it seems to me that they're overlooking the fact that these morons were plotting to kill the fucking ENERGIZER BUNNY! Trust me, whatever anyone has done to these girls, I would bet my life that the Energizer Bunny played absolutely no role in it, unless perhaps he learned to play the bass drum in their high school marching band and then refused to dance with the girls at Homecoming, but that's doubtful. Anyway, I don't need a punch line or joke to end this paragraph. These six dipshits are living punch lines to jokes that weren't very funny to begin with.

Garnering attention
Something is amiss in the following headline: Jennifer Garner almost loses expensive ring. Did she lose it? Nope. She almost did. Somehow, that made a CNN headline. Something that did not happen makes the news, which even surpasses the stupidity of being kept abreast of the state of Lindsay Lohan's appendix, which, I'm told, was given to Tom Cruise for some scientology ritual-slash-pot luck dinner. This culture's celebrity obsession just slays me. In fact, I ALMOST threw up in my mouth. Scratch that. I definitely did.

Show me the body!
Wouldn't it be cool to discover a dead body? I don't mean the body of a loved one or someone you know. That's just awful and I'm really not trying to be morbid. Picture this: you're walking through the woods one day and you see something partially obscured under a pile of leaves and, lo and behold, it's a dead body. How exciting! I'm not sure whom I would call first; Police? Girlfriend? Mom? Would I leave and come back with some friends? Would I just leave and let some other lucky soul find it? That would be a generous thing to do. Then again, there's a good chance there are family members wondering what happened to the person, so it's probably best to report it as soon as possible. I think it's important to be aware of these things in the event that you stumble upon a corpse. It never hurts to be prepared. Maybe you'd even get to go on TV and talk about it. You'd have a great story to tell at parties, weddings, school, church or wherever you feel the need to talk about your find. Believe me, any conversation that begins with "Do you remember the time I found a dead body?" is sure to be an attention grabbing one.

Remember that movie Stand By Me, starring Corey Feldman and River Phoenix? It was a coming of age tale based on short story by Stephen King called "The Body." A group of kids heard about a body in the woods and made it their mission to go find it. They packed lunches, fire crackers, and had all sorts of adventures on the way, including almost getting run down by a train, attacked by guard dogs and, of course, leeches. Gross. But all ended well when they discovered the body of Ray Brower, who had been struck by a train. Sadly, this was the highlight of Corey Feldman's and River Phoenix's life and career. Jerry O' Connell got thin and then went on star on "Crossing Jordan" and bang Rebecca Romaijn (Uncle Jesse's ex wife). Wil Wheaton starred on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," with Levar Burton, who played on Reading Rainbow. Oh wow, that takes me back. But seriously, I've gotten off on a tangent. Hey speaking of getting off….

Buncha jerk-offs
You know what's not cool? Auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is the practice of depriving oneself of oxygen as you have an orgasm. The point? Apparently it's mind blowingly (yes, that is a word for today) good. But timing is everything and people tend to fuck it up and die. Then the parents find them dead with their pants around their ankles. Of course, to avoid the embarrassment of the situation, they report it as a suicide, therefore our country's suicide statistics get inflated and it's just an all around hassle for everyone. You know what really enhances an orgasm? Having someone else in the room. The best orgasms are the ones I don't give myself. These people who choke themselves are just lazy and greedy. Stop it!

'Tis all for now, folks. Enjoy your weekend!