A Day at the Office

Before I get to the meat of today's rant, here's some shit goin' down in the news:

When Britney Spears isn't having babies or nearly dropping them and then crying about it, she's trying to find ways to sabotage her chances of getting full custody of said babies by partying it up with Paris Hilton, the queen of rich famous-for-nothing whores that people just seem to love so much. If the only qualification for being a good mother was simply having a vagina, then Britney has made it perfectly clear to the world that she has what it takes. By giving the world a peek under her skirt, she has created both controversy and a worldwide cry of "I think I just threw up in my mouth." Perhaps it's a message to her soon to be ex, K-Fed, who, after a nasty divorce and custody battle with Spears, will likely be so broke he'll be unable to afford a pair of underwear.

And he certainly won't be able to afford a PlayStation 3, which is a hot item right now. It's as hot as the searing pain of a bullet ripping through your flesh as you are gunned down for your precious PlayStation, which is then stolen and sold on Ebay for thousands of dollars. One such occurrence took place in the lovely state of Connecticut at (surprise, surprise) a Wal-Mart. What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously, folks, it's a fucking video game, and unless I missed the part about how, aside from killer graphics and a high definition DVD player, the PS3 also cooks dinner and jerks you off, then I do not understand the hype. I always thought that people who shut themselves in their rooms to play video games all day were pegged as dorks and losers. Now, apparently, it's a lifestyle worth killing over. At least I can play my Super Nintendo without fear.

In New Jersey, nearly three dozen people got e-coli poisoning after eating at a local Taco Bell. Ok, let's all put down our Seven-layer Chalupa Cheese Supreme Grilled Wraps (so it's good to go!) and think about it: Taco bell has been creating Mexican sounding foods for the past however many years using, say, 8 different ingredients, including meat that the USDA says isn't quite good enough to feed a stray cat with feline AIDS. Let's stop pretending that this news surprises anyone and take a minute to realize that a healthier alternative to Taco Bell would be a can of dog food and salsa. Yo no quiero Taco Bell.

A Day at the Office

If you're like me and work the 9-5, chances are there are things about the corporate culture that piss you off. Here's my list:

Do not use the elevator to go up only one floor when there are stairs 10 feet away. Only handicapped people (and pregnant women) have any good reason for doing this. People make fun of you when you get out of the elevator. Trust me.

Similarly, my building has handicapped accessible doors. You press a button and it takes 2-3 seconds for the mechanical door to open. People are perfectly willing to stand back and wait for the mechanical door when it's plainly faster to just walk a foot and half to left and open the regular doors. This is what is known as a crossroads: when laziness and the need for instant gratification collide, and it's the leading cause of aneurysms in the corporate setting.

Another reason to take the stairs is to avoid having to stare straight ahead at the walls in morgue-like silence during the elevator ride. Then again, you can always opt for awkward elevator chit-chat. But there are guidelines for that, as well as general inter-office banter:

Don't talk to me about the weather. It's tantamount to admitting you have nothing to say, which isn't always a bad thing considering we are most likely strangers. But I was just outside. If it's cold, I'm aware. If it's unseasonably warm, ditto. I can look out the window. Please, just talk about anything else; your daughter's flute recital, last night's episode of Bones, or the affair you're having with your co-worker. Anything but the weather.

Ok, almost anything.

Don't talk about religion. If you insist upon it, do so in a manner that does not come across as you pushing your beliefs on me. It's not appropriate and you most likely will not like what I have to say. At my office, a woman who is a Jehovah's Witness recently chastised a fellow co-worker for dressing his infant son up for Halloween. I have no idea what Jehovah's Witnesses have to say about Halloween, but she had no business thrusting her religious beliefs on my friend in the form of criticism, especially for something as innocent as dressing up his seven month old son in a lobster costume to take some pictures. It must be great to be part of an institution that preaches tolerance only of others who are exactly the same as you. But that's a blog for another day.

On a related note, don't volunteer your views on abortion. I'm only bringing this up because it's happened to me before and it wasn't pretty. There's a 50/50 chance that we disagree and I will argue this one to the death, no pun intended. Like religion, that's a blog for another time. So let's skip the pro-choice/pro life debate and stick to pro sports.

Moving on…

Don't say T.G.I.F. We all look forward to Fridays. T.G.I.F was only cute and catchy the first 3 million times it was said. It's old and clichéd by now. May I suggest: "Thank God it's the day that I get to meet my co-workers out for Happy Hour, have way too much to drink, end up sloppily fondling the 'sorta' cute girl who just got hired and then have to explain that when I say 'I love you,' I only mean that she has pretty eyes and this doesn't have to affect our working relationship." While long winded, you'll get points for creativity. And it may score you some after hours sex on the copy machine.

Lastly, don't tell me how fat or out-of-shape you've gotten since you started working in an office. My first day at my current job, one guy said, "I used to work out, too, until I started this job." Don't question my dedication or project your dissatisfaction with your current physical condition on me. It's not the job's fault. I'm not criticizing those who choose not to exercise, but am simply saying that if you truly wanted to get in shape, you'd make the time. That's what people do.