Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Remember Osama bin Laden (?)

Hi everyone!

Each year on September 11, we take a special moment to remember the horrific tragedy that occurred on that clear blue Tuesday morning in 2001 and mourn those killed in the attacks. It goes without saying that it's not far from our minds the other 364 days of the year either. I hope that we always remember and pay special tribute to those who lost their lives that day. Except the hijackers. Fuck al qaeda, their jihad and all their camel fucking friends.

That being said, I would like to propose another holiday. I would like September 12 to be known as Remember Osama Bin Laden Day. I think we should have at least one day out of the year where we take a moment to remember and disdain the man who was ultimately behind the worst terrorist attack on American soil in this country's history. We need one day where we stop killing Iraqis, one day to stop stuffing our faces with triple cheeseburgers and blaming McDonalds for our weight issues, one day to stop making fun of Britney Spears, and remember that someone was responsible for September 11 and they've yet to be captured and held accountable. Osama bin Laden was this country's prime target….for about a week and half. Then George W. Bush remembered that Saddam Hussein was mean to his daddy and would be a much easier target to take out than Osama Bin Laden. He could possibly even get him re-elected in 2004. Everybody wins! Oh yeah, except for the American people.

Yes, we need to remember Bin Laden. He remembers us. He even sends us videotapes! "Hi, it's Osama. I'm doing OK. This cave is cold. Al Qaeda is doing well. I urge the youth to rise up and be martyrs for the cause. I can't wait for the new American Idol to begin. Praise Allah" and so forth. So why don't we, as Americans, vow never to forget Osama Bin Laden. Maybe our president has, but those of us with an IQ above that of a brain-dead monkey can probably manage to wipe the oil out of our eyes and see past the debacle that is the 'War on Terror' in Iraq. Let's take this moment to remember Osama Bin Laden: the man, the terrorist, the forgotten fugitive. Let us hope that one day he pays for his crimes against this country. Because if he doesn't, some other country will.

Live like there's no tomorrow!
We've all heard that saying. People like it because it sounds good; it sounds positive, like you're living life to its fullest. Sometimes people may use it as a reason to do something new, adventurous, daring, reckless, or downright stupid. But all in all, it seems like a good bit of advice to get one through the day. Right? Don't be so sure. Living like there's no tomorrow seems like one of the worst pieces of advice you could get.

I agree that one should try and treasure every day like there's no tomorrow, but to actually live your life like that? If taken literally, this could have dire consequences. Think of all the drug use, the murders and wonton disregard for human life that would take place if everyone just lived like today was the last day they would be alive! It's actually a very selfish way to live. It'd be really hard to accomplish anything positive. No one would show up at work because who wants to knowingly work the last day of their life? Not me, bub, not me. All in all, everyone would be caught up in their own little worlds, trying to satiate their basest desires and life would pretty much suck for everyone. So don't live life like there's no tomorrow, but rather enjoy each day as it comes.

Join the Club…
On Oprah, David Letterman joked that his 3 year old child 'doesn't get' his jokes. Well, I'm 26 and I don't get his jokes. On second thought, I just don't find them funny.


VMAs: Vomit-Inducing Musical Abominations…
Ok, so I hate to admit it, but I watched a bit of the Video Music Awards this past Sunday. I knew that Britney Spears was going to be opening and I figured I couldn't lose. Either she'll look really hot or she'll be a total train wreck. Either way, this guy is entertained! And yes, I certainly was! Her performance at the VMA's was atrocious, and that is being nice. The media ripped her to shreds, and rightfully so. Her performance was soulless, uninspired and looked as if it were choreographed by a 12 year-old girl.

One thing I disagree with, however: Britney Spears is not fat. Sure, B-Fed doesn't have the body that she had a few years back before she had kids. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say she was fat. Her outfit certainly didn't compliment her body the way it would have years ago. If you're a girl parading around my bedroom in that outfit, go for it, but on stage, it just looked like an awkward ill-fitted bra and underwear, as opposed to a sexy dance get-up, and just added to the visual wreck that her performance was. I liked how at the end she just gave up lip synching all together.


Kanye West Sucks
Of course, the only reason MTV asked Spears to open the show is so that Kanye West would feel shafted once again. We all know how hard it is for a black hip hop artist to get any recognition on MTV these days. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? If Kanye's music sucks as bad as his attitude, then he deserves to be snubbed. What a douche bag. Hey, there's a thought: His musical rival, Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson, has been shot 9 times. Wanna make this a real rivalry? I think West has some catching up to do.


Murder is bad! Go To Jail…for Seven Months
I'm sickened, truly disgusted, by Mary Winkler, the wife of Tennessee preacher who was convicted of murdering her husband and served a whopping 7 months in prison. Wow, that'll teach her! And she's not even a celebrity!! This isn't a fucking unpaid parking ticket; it's murder! According to Winkler, she suffered many years of abuse at the hands of her husband, which led her to murder him, i.e. shoot him in the back with a shotgun. This was not self defense; it was cold blooded murder. Apparently, she never told anyone about the abuse because she was a weak woman and was too concerned about their image as a perfect couple to seek the help she needed. And yet, somehow, she gets sympathy and is now a free woman.

I'm not defending her husband's actions, if he indeed abused her. There's no defending physical abuse, but….we'll never know now, will we? How convenient. To me, it just seems to set a dangerous precedent. If the supposed abuser is murdered before it's proven he was an abuser, what kind of accountability do we bestow upon the allegedly abused party? It's in our nature to sympathize with the abused and take their word for it, but we're treading dangerous waters and this is a very good example of the type of injustice that can occur.

Happy Wednesday

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Miami or Bust!

Hey sports fans!

Football season is upon us! Go Patriots! They're playing their first game of the regular season against The Jets. I can't stand The Jets. You know why? The New York Jets don't play in New York. They play in New Jersey at Giants Stadium. They don't even have their own stadium in their own state. They're barely a real team. Blecch!

Ok, big news all! Beginning on September 24, I will be leaving Connecticut and driving down to Miami for good. Currently, the job situation is up in the air but I have some positive things happening and hope to have something lined up very soon. If not, then I will accept that challenge and meet it head on. I'm very excited about the move, albeit a bit scared. I'm leaving my comfort zone and pretty much the only home I've ever known. However, I've wanted to move south for so long and I've found an amazing girl willing to let me share her apartment and life, as well as help take care of our awesome puppy, Niles. I will be closer to some members of my family as well. This is a huge deal and I'm thankful the have the love and support of friends and family. If you want my new address, please message me!

Next Saturday night, September 15, I will be performing for the last time at Javapalooza. It's a solo acoustic show and I'm very excited. My first solo performance was a couple weeks back and was an incredible experience. Thank you to all who came out for it. My best buddy Beau is off in Michigan and due to my hospitalization, we never had a final show. I will dedicate this next performance to him. Actually, I dedicated the last performance to him as well. He's been a great friend and songwriting partner for the past 13 years.

Ok, let's get ranting…

Now, I'm not a parent but I still feel particularly qualified to make the following demand: Stop leaving your fucking kids in the car when it's hot outside! I don't know what chapter of which parenting book covers this, but I can't believe that parents still neglect their kids in this fashion. Apparently, this is why you should be able to order malt liquor over the Internet. These fools shouldn't be allowed to procreate, let alone leave the house when it's hot outside. There certainly are ways to show the world you're a shitty parent that won't land you in jail or kill your child. Just look at Britney Spears.

Character Assasination!
Every office has its characters, some more common than others. There's the office clown, the slut, the kiss-up, etc. However, there are some characters that are a little harder to pick out, but can be just as amusing, if not more so, than your clich├ęd cast of characters. For instance:

There's the guy who pees way too long. I walk in, he's in mid-stream. I begin to pee, he's going. I finish up, he's going. I wash my hands. Still going. I slowly dry them, thinking "Good Lord." I go over my grocery list for that evening. In Spanish. Twice. He's still going. I walk out the door, and he's still pissin' away. He's like the Energizer Bunny….if the Energizer Bunny was taking a leak. If you have to use one of your alotted 15 minute breaks to take a piss, perhaps it's time for a check up.

On a related note, every office has a guy who doesn't wash his hands, even if there are other people in the bathroom who will take notice. Do not shake hands with this man. There is urine on his hands.

On yet another related note, have any of you men have ever walked into a stall and saw that the toilet seat was covered in piss? What do you do? If all you have to do is urinate, then you can do so and walk away. However, if someone walks into the stall after you, they're going to assume that you're the one who left the soiled toilet seat. This happened to me a number of times when I worked in a smaller office and the bathroom was unisex with a single toilet. I'm certainly not going to clean up some other guy's mess. But if you get defensive and say, "I didn't do that," people are going to assume that you did. It's really a no-win situation, but I still believe it is better just to remain silent.

Ok, next you have the guy who is only there until something better comes along. He will let you know over and over that this is not his life's calling and therefore he's usually too good to be bothered with certain tasks that the job entails. He's only working his particular job till he lands the big executive spot making double the money with half the responsibility. "Yeah, we know. You've been saying that for eight years now. Go photocopy something, ya douche."

Then there's the guy who makes jokes, but is really creepy. One morning you're gathered around the water cooler (does anyone actually do that anymore?) and talking about your new puppy and how he pooped on the rug last night. Then Mr. Creepy Jokester comes along and says something like, "I totally would have stabbed my puppy if he did that." Then he laughs. And you do, too, nervously; not because he's funny, but because you totally believe he would.

Then there's the woman who can't stop talking about her kids. I'm not a father so maybe this one isn't fair. When I'm a dad, maybe all I'll want to talk about is my kid. Yet for those of us who don't think a three year old putting his clothes on backwards and then crapping his pants is cute, this person can certainly get on your nerves. Sometimes I just wanna turn around and scream, "THAT'S NOT NORMAL!! YOUR KID HAS PROBLEMS!"

Finally, there's Chelvis. Wait, don't tell me you don't have a Chelvis!! A big, fat Chinese guy with dark hair and sideburns? Chinese Elvis; Chelvis. Chickety-Chelvis, the Chinese Elvis!

On that note, have an amazing weekend!!