Hey everyone!
This is my Christmas blog, not my holiday blog and most certainly not my winter blog. See, for some reason, our country is so obsessed with political correctness, that we've convinced ourselves that wishing a Merry Christmas to someone of another religious affiliation is bad when it's not. This was NOT an issue when I was younger.
Jewish people are not offended by Christmas. If the phrase 'Merry Christmas' was anti-Semitic, Mel Gibson would have let us know. Hanukkah is only really associated with Christmas because of its timing on the calendar, but it is not a major Jewish holiday.
And growing up, all the black kids I went to school with celebrated Christmas, not Kwanzaa. And, maybe it's just me, but the idea that 'you're black, you must celebrate Kwanzaa,' almost seems a bit racist to me, which defeats the purpose of all the politcally correct bullshit. So let's get our heads out of our asses and just celebrate. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh, and Wal-Mart employees being encouraged to guess the religious affiliations of customers is probably one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. "Well, sir, he looked like a Jew!" As if you needed another reason to hate that store.
Oh, the Guilt!
Don't you hate it when you get a gift from someone you're not expecting, perhaps a friend you don't see often, a casual acquaintance, or a co-worker? Then you gotta pretend that you have a gift for that person, but just forgot it. "Hey, Joey, look I'm really sorry. I had your gift at home. I thought to myself 'I gotta remember that gift for that awesome guy Joey.' In fact, I left it right next to a note that said 'bring Joey's gift.' I'm really sorry, man." Then you hope you don't see him for a while and he forgets. Meanwhile, his gift to you is a constant reminder of what an asshole you are. Joey ruined Christmas. Again.
That said, there are many things I love about this time of year: spending time with friends and family, seeing the festive decorations, eating great food, taking time to think of, and help out, those less fortunate than ourselves while at the same time trying not to make eye contact with the Salvation Army solicitors outside of the supermarket.
I also love hearing the Christmas music. As cheesy as it sometimes can be, the music is, for the most part, the one aspect of the holiday that still reminds me that Christmas is about more than just buying shit. So yes, I like the music. Ok, most of the it. For your reading pleasure, I've compiled a list of Christmas songs that I'm not too keen on.
Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer
The festive nature in which this song is sung and revered is quite disturbing. While it is true that holidays and vehicular homicide often go hand in hand (drunk driving, anyone?), it's still odd to think that one can smile, toss back some egg nog and sing about one's grandmother being brutally killed by a reindeer, and on Christmas Eve of all days. Tragic. However, what some don't realize is that grandma's luck had been running out even before Christmas Eve, as evidenced by the less than renowned 'Grandma Got Raped by the Easter Bunny.'
Last Christmas
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart/The very next day you gave it away." Wham! gave us this classic holiday ode to one-night stands. Though I suppose it's better than "The money is on the dresser, bitch. Good luck finding a cab on Christmas."
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Infidelity is not funny, let alone appropriate for the subject for a Christmas classic. This song is sung from the point of view of a voyeuristic child who witnesses his mother cheating on his father with Santa Claus, someone who is supposed to represent innocence and joy to a child. Now I know that you'll probably say that the mommy was really kissing her husband (the boy's father) dressed as Santa (yes!), but the kid does not know that. The song goes, "Oh, what a laugh it would have been/If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." Oh, child, a laugh it would not have been. Unless you find humor in being removed from your home by DCF after your father beats your mother and her jolly lover with the rolling pin she used to make the fat man his annual cookies. On second thought, that does make me chuckle a bit. Merry Christmas everyone!
Santa Baby
If you buy me expensive stuff, I will fuck you. This song is actually the most honest and relevant of the bunch.
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
"Everybody pauses and stares at me/These two teeth are gone as you can see." Christmas time should be an innocent and joyous time for a child, yet this kid is dealing with being ridiculed by his peers and made fun of because of a naturally awkward phase of his life. Therefore he must use his Christmas wish not for a video game or toy that he greatly desires, but simply that his two front teeth grow in so he will feel accepted amongst his peers. This song is just fucking mean. I guess calling the song "Ugly Kids Don't Deserve to be Happy on Christmas" was a little too obvious?
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
This song never sat right with me. It always seemed both threatening and creepy at the same time. It's the whole 'knowing when you're sleeping and when you're awake' part that just makes me shiver and turn the radio off when this song plays. I guess if John Mark Karr had written a Christmas song, this would have been it.
On that note, I hope you all have a marvelous Christmas and happy New Year!
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