Did you know that in 2005 alone, there were 39,189 fatal car crashes in the United States? If you googled (love that word!) 'car accident statistics', then you would. You would also know that Thanksgiving is one of the most dangerous weekends for auto accidents. It's coming up, so be vigilant.
I've wanted to vent about the hazards of the road for a while now, but just never got around to it. Now seems like as good a time as any, seeing as I almost got killed Friday night by some fucking maniac who practically rear ended me and ran me off the road at 90 mph while blinking their high beams at me and changing lanes simultaneously. Sound confusing? Well, it was enough for me to dial up the State Police and let them know they'll likely be scraping some bodies off the highway before the night is over. I hope that this guy was drunk for the simple reason that anyone who drives like that normally should not only have their license revoked but be forbidden to go within 500 yards of a car, road, or fellow human being.
With statistics what they are, it surprises me how lightly people seem to take driving. We got 2 dead in the Midwest from e-coli tainted spinach and the country goes apeshit, recalls all the country's spinach, and practically declares spinach illegal, but we've got tens of thousands of people dying each year in fatal car crashes, no doubt many of them preventable, and people barely bat an eyelash, nor go about changing their driving habits. Cars are not inherently dangerous, but they become weapons when you get careless, disrespectful people at the wheel.
Yes, I have road rage. It's more internal and I don't act upon it. I tend to just get angry and the words that come out of my mouth would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush. I just get frustrated because when I'm driving, I keep a basic idea of what/who is around me and have respect for fellow drivers, even the ones who plainly don't deserve it, namely those who subject to me to bumper sticker wisdom such as, "it's a child, not a choice" and "have you hugged a tree today?"
Likewise, I'm not a fan of decals, namely the famous one of Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes) urinating. It's overdone and not funny or clever. I'll admit, I have a decal of Charlie Brown taking a shit on Lucy's chest, but I keep it off my car. I know where to draw the line.
Joking aside….
Yes, I have been in a car accident, but I have never caused one. I have gotten a speeding ticket in the past and do believe that 80 mph is a nice safe speed for the highways. Am I an example of a perfect driver? No. I speed on back roads, and if no cars are around, I will make rolling stops at stop signs, rather than complete stops. Yes, I'm a bad boy. Mothers, hide your daughters away. I might just take them out for a wild night of turning without signaling and passing on the right hand side.
I've come a long way since that blustery December day in 1996 when I took my driving test and was awarded my license. Not many know this, but I came close to failing. You know why? Because after the driving portion of the test, when I parked, I neglected to turn the lights off. Yes, 2 p.m. in the afternoon and I had no idea that the lights were even on. And for this the old bastard almost failed me. On a related note, I still remember the words that my Drivers Ed teacher said one day. He asked us to look around the class and said simply, "At least one of you will be killed in a car accident within six months." Ironically, he died of a heart attack not long afterwards.
Now there are certain road hazards and that I cannot pretend to be above. Yes, I do have a hands free set for my cell phone. It's in my glove compartment, where it's been since Christmas of last year when my mother gave it to me. That being said, I also don't have long conversations on the phone in the car. I keep the conversations functional ("you want me to pick up some milk?"), not recreational, ("Oh. My. God. You'll never guess who I saw at the mall?! Jessica! Yeah, right? Seriously. She got so fat since prom"). I will agree that talking on the cell phone in the car is distracting, and I confess to not being at my peak driving ability while on it. And this topic of distraction also covers putting on make-up, shaving, and "road head."
Also, I cannot understand why traffic backs up for miles when there is an accident...on the other side of the road? Can't people rubberneck at 60 mph? I understand that a bitchin' car wreck can totally make the commute to work better, and I appreciate the sight of mangled metal just as much as the next guy, but still...keep it moving!
And it boggles my mind that you have thousands of fully functional human beings capable of dressing themselves and going to the bathroom without the assistance of licensed care professional, yet these same people cannot figure out how to successfully merge into traffic from an on-ramp.
Not to sound like a Drivers Ed teacher, but the left lane, also known as the passing lane, or fast lane, is for…you guessed it: passing and driving fast. If you can't go at least the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Likewise, if I'm doing 80 in the fast lane, and you come up behind me doing 95 mph flashing your brights, do NOT expect me to change lanes, especially when doing so would put me behind a slower moving car that I'm attempting to pass. Basically, if you show me your high beams, I show you my brake lights. And if you show me your middle finger, I'll fuck your wife when you're not home. Don't test me.
Conversely, people who drive too slowly are equally as dangerous as those with lead feet. If you can't handle the speed limit, stay off the high way and take the back roads. And if you're slow due to being 90 years old and not being able to see above the steering wheel, then just stay home or have someone younger, perhaps the hot 75 year old down the hall, drive you around.
Next up, motorcycles. I have nothing against them, per se. But I do have a problem with these idiots on Suzuki "crotch rockets" who zip in between cars at a buck-ten, or perhaps when the rest of us in cars are in traffic, and think that because their vehicle can fit in between the other vehicles on the road, that somehow traffic laws don't apply to them. Listen dickheads, or "organ donors" as I've heard them referred to as, you're riding a bicycle with a motor on it and your vehicle has a kick stand. Grow up or stay off the road. And that hot chick on the back of your bike? Well, she'll dump your ass as soon as she meets a guy who rides a Harley. Just be prepared.
Also, the breakdown lane is for broken down vehicles (and emergency personnel) not assholes who don't want to sit in traffic. Next person who passes me in a breakdown lane while I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic will be getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy, meaning I will come into your house one night and knock all your teeth out with a sock full of quarters. Another thing that irks me is people who are in such a hurry that they creep up under the red light so that as soon as it turns green, they're off, leaving only a trail of exhaust behind and the rest of us thinking, "Wow, it must be so cool to have to be somewhere that badly. Perhaps dinner with a high ranking government official or maybe they're just late for their bikini wax." But the problem is, the assholes get so far under the light, that they can't see it anymore, so when it turns green, they're still sitting there holding up traffic while my blood pressure spikes and I lose about 7 minutes off of my life.
Lastly, you have these people who are forced to merge into another lane either to get off an exit, or because their lane is ending, and they wait until the last possibly minute to merge because, apparently, their parents raised them to believe that they're superior to everyone else and can't be bothered with waiting in line like the rest of us. Well if you're one of those people, I've got a secret to tell you: Come closer….closer….Ready?.... Your parents were WRONG! You ain't any better than me or the guy in that SUV back there. Don't expect my car to yield to you. I've been sitting in this lane for 10 minutes since about 1000 feet back that way, listening to some awful Top 40 song on the radio, going 5 miles per hour waiting to get off this exit ramp and you zoom along next to me and think that because you've got nowhere else to go, that I MUST let you in. Sorry, bub. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points at self) This guy! (Yes, I stole that from 'Scrubs.')
Basically, all I'm asking is that people show a little more respect for each other on the road. Acknowledge the fact that you're behind the wheel of a vehicle, which unlike those matchbox cars we played with as kids, can actually do damage to other cars. People die every day from careless mistakes of others. If you feel the need to drive 100 mph, then move the fuck to Germany. If you're more at pace w/ 50 mph on the highway, then take the nearest exit, catch the early bird special at Denny's and stick to back roads.
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