Halloween!

Boys and ghouls, it's time for another frighteningly poignant blog. It's so funny, it's SCARY!! You just may DIE laughing hahahah!

Ok, so I'm not quite as quick with a pun as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt was, but being in the spirit of Halloween, I have decided to jot down some aspects of Halloween that I enjoy, as well as some things that annoy me. Read on….if you dare!!


Horror movies
During most of October, television stations are always playing horror movies, which range from classics like Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Omen, and The Exorcist, to newer movies such as The Ring, The Grudge, and Halloween 12: This Mike Meyers Shit Again? Ok, I made I that last one up. I love scary movies. There are few things better than turning out all the lights and throwing on a good horror flick, preferable in the company of a pretty girl who scares easily and deals with her fright by randomly taking off articles of clothing. Between all the remakes, spin offs, sequels and prequels, I can't help but long for something original and innovative. Zombie movies are all the same and the formula is wearing out its welcome in my eyes and most of the originals are just a lot of scary music building up to a "boo!" and then….nothing, or mindless gore with no real plot. Old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries hosted by that walking corpse Robert Stack scare me more than most of the 'scary' movies coming out these days.

I'll tell you what I am a fan of: freak animal movies. Snakes, spiders, ticks, sharks, bats, cats, rats, gnats, I don't give a shit. As long as you blow them up to ridiculously large scale sizes and make them bloodthirsty killers, then you've got my attention.

Pumpkins
Pumpkins kick ass. Pumpkin pie is delicious and I could live on pumpkin bread alone, though I'm not much for pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin carving is not only a great way to utilize the rest of the pumpkin, but can be a creative way to showcase your artistic talent and the fact that you have too much time on your hands, not unlike these blogsJ Please don't confuse pumpkins w/ gourds. I don't even know the fuck gourds are all about. Fun Fact: Did you know the inside of the pumpkin is known as the "meat"? Gross.

Sports
Ok, this doesn't really have much to with Halloween, but at this time of year I can enjoy both the World Series, football all day on Sundays and Monday night as well. So I have something to switch on during the commercial breaks of The Halloween Chainsaw Living Dead Massacre on Elm St II: Chucky goes to Space Camp.

Women's Halloween attire
I like seeing scantily clad women as much as the next hetero guy. When I can tell what color panties a girl has on from across the room, I know I'm having a good night. I'm just making that clear to you folks. But lately, I've been noticing how uncreative women are when it comes to Halloween. I'm sorry ladies, but wearing a short skirt and a low cut top and a headband with devil horns on it is NOT a costume. Minus the headband, it's pretty much what every chick wears every weekend at every bar in every town everywhere. Hot? Yup. Sexy? Sure, but not a costume. If I wanted to see slutty looking chicks (and I do), then I'd hit up the bars on Saturday nights (which I do). Ladies, don't be surprised when you go to a Halloween party see 100 other women dressed in the exact same get up as you. You don't all have to wear school girl uniforms. This is your chance to be sexy, but also creative. Show us all you're more than a sweet rack and tight caboose.

Trick or Treating
I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. But now that I'm older, and on the other side of the door come October 31, I realize there's only a small age group that I really enjoy seeing on my doorstep. Some kids are too young to comprehend what's going on, and while they're cute, they have no use for candy and are probably not cognizant of what is happening. If baby still breastfeeds, baby don't need no candy.

It's the 3-9 age group that really seem to appreciate and enjoy Trick-or-Treating for more than simply getting candy. They're all excitable, into the spirit of Halloween and truly grateful when they get candy from you.

Then you've got the 10-15 year old kids who are just pricks They proclaim, "trick or treat" with all the emotion of Lurch from The Addams' Family, and just stand there waiting for your candy. And God forbid it's not to their liking; they'll let you know on the spot. "Ugh! This candy sucks," to which I reply," You know what else sucks? Getting stabbed in the chest. Move the fuck along!"

Lastly, basically anyone older than high school age has no business soliciting candy. You're now old enough to stay home, dress up like a giant penis or a keg, laugh at how clever you are, and then collapse in a pile of your own candy corn laden vomit.

Kids' Costumes
Whatever happened to kids dressing up as good ol' vampires, witches, ghosts, goblins, and Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, OBGYN? I start to feel a little old when I don't recognize half the costumes. "Oh how cute! A giant piece of pineapple with shorts on. Oh, you're Spongebob Squarepants, huh? Is he a rapper?"

Ok, I'm not that out of touch, but you get the idea.

Candy
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, and Snickers were always my favorite candy bars. All the other stuff was incidental and used as bartering with my brother to secure more of the candy that I liked. Fuck tootsie rolls, and def. fuck candy that is too generic to even have anything but plain orange wrapper. Where does one even buy this candy?! When I was younger, I neither knew nor cared about fat content, calories, or sugar. How I long to blissfully destroy my body again.

I always remembered the few houses that would give you full size candy bars. And of course, the opposite side of the spectrum was those fuckers who gave me Necco wafers. Hmmm…I wonder what dried spackle tastes like? If someone were to make "asshole" into a candy, what would it taste like? I reckon it'd taste like Necco wafers. And Whoppers. God help me, I hate Whoppers.

Myths and rumors
A few years back at U of Hartford there was a rumor going around that a popular TV psychic (Sylvia brown, I think) had predicted a mass murder at a college campus with a building shaped like an X. For those of you unfamiliar with U of Hartford, there is a dorm called Regents Park that, from the air, resembles an X (actually, it's more like a swastika, which is interesting for a campus with a 25% Jewish population). Regardless, nothing happened, and I still don't trust anything I hear on Montel Williams to this day. But it still freaked people out and was a nice addition to the Halloween mood.

Also, there's the famous 'razorblades in candy' cautionary tale that you always hear about. Sadly, I never did find any razorblades in my candy. I think it would have made a good story. It'd be something to tell the grandkids, assuming that I found razorblade before I bit into the candy and still had a tongue to orate my evil discovery.

Christmas
Ok, so what does Halloween have to do w/ Christmas? Well, if you've been in a fucking store lately, then you'd think pretty much everything. It seems as if we're bypassing Thanksgiving and trying to whore Christmas out to as many people as possible as soon as possible.

Simpson's Tree House of Horror
While I greatly enjoy these specials, I'm upset that because of the World Series, they're now on TV after Halloween. D'oh! By November 5, I'm over Halloween. This guy's looking to the future. Eat my shorts!

Devil's Night
Also known as Mischief Night. It's the night before Halloween. It is the night for toilet papering houses, egging houses and cars, ringing doorbells and running, leaving only flaming bags of dog shit behind, and all that truly juvenile stuff. Wouldn't it be a shame if one of these kids, while attempting to toilet paper a tree in my yard, accidentally got their foot caught in a rusty bear trap that happened to be lying around? Wait, did I say "a shame"? I meant fucking hilarious.

Happy Halloween everyone!!