Am I the only one who loves movie previews? I remember as a youngster having to sit through what seemed like endless previews in order to watch Oliver and Company or the Land Before time. I hated previews, so much so that in cutest bright-eyed 8 year old boy voice, I would look up at my loving father, who was holding my popcorn and Id ask (God, this is so cute), "Daddy, when is the fucking movie gonna start?" He would smile that loving fatherly smile, muss with my hair, and say, "Son, shut the fuck up and eat your Sno-caps." And that, my friends, is the best advice anyone has ever given me.
It is only within the past few years that I've really come to appreciate a well crafted movie trailer. It can illicit from moviegoers the same emotions that the movie itself is expected to: anticipation, suspense, tears, laughter, and thrills. Its only genuine movie magic that can make me turn to my buddy next to me and exclaim, "Wow, that new Wayans brothers movie looks great!" Just kidding. There’s a difference between magic and miracles.
They should make an entire movie out of just previews. And I don’t mean Ebert and Roper. No commentators, no thumbs up, down, side wise, diagonally. Sit on those thumbs, bub. Just gimme more previews.
What’s the best part of the movie trailers? The narrator’s voice! That deep, gravely and totally unmistakable, and somewhat eerie voice. If I had that voice, I'd narrate everything! Everyday life would be so much more profound. For example, in the middle of a dinner date, I'd reach out, grab my dates hand, and say, “One man...on a mission.... to conquer the odds ....struggling to find the girl of his dreams.....and get her to take her clothes off..... Coming soon to a bedroom near you: My Naked White Ass. Rated R for Ridiculousness."
Conversely, am I the only one who hates commercials at the movies? Last weekend, they had a commercial for KY personal lubricant before the movie. What the hell am I suppose do with this information? I'm trying to watch the movie but can’t get the phrase "warms on contact” outta my head!
Am I the only one who hates being asked to give money to charity at the supermarket? I'm not talking about the Salvation Army at Christmas time. I mean as I’m at the register. I've just spent $100 on Diet Pepsi, Cottage Doubles and Skippy Peanut butter, when they come out with "Would you like to donate a dollar to help kids fight cancer?" Ah, damn! You can't say no without feeling like a total asshole. But I think I’ve come up with the perfect response: "Sure! Why don’t you gimme the name and address of a kid with cancer and I'll go to their house and take them out for ice cream." It's much more personal and would really raise the spirits of the kids. I guarantee you they will not break out the phone book. Just shows you that these companies aren't as dedicated to fighting cancer as they want you to think.
Hey, speaking of kids.....
Am I the only one thinks Anne Geddes is out of her mind? She's the lady who photographs babies enveloped in flower petals, in baskets, and other creepy shit. And what's worse is that the babies all look dead. People are so worried about pedophiles on the internet and hangin around schoolyards, but no one seems to be concerned about her. This woman is seriously disturbed and needs to be stopped. No one, not anybody, should have such a sick fascination with children.
On a related note, am I the only one who finds these baby dolls that look like real babies to be the creepiest fucking things ever? Again, you buy materials to make bombs and the Feds tag you as a terrorist, but if you buy one of these freaky ass dolls, no one bats an eye. I think these people need to be watched a bit closer.
The same with every college girl who has posters of little half naked boys and girls kissing. The RIAA was cracking down on every college kid who downloaded a Backstreet Boys song, but no one was alerted to the fact that many of these same people have soft-core child pornography hanging on their walls! What is the attraction?! I like my porn the old fashioned way; 2 girls, a horse, and a midget. God Bless!
Am I the only one who both hates & loves Sonic? I'm not sure if I hate them because they take up my valuable time advertising their wares on TV here and there isn’t a sonic with 400 miles. Or maybe I love them because over the years they've etched permanent space in my brain, now known as my medulla oblon-Sonic. Is it faulty marketing? Or perhaps genius? I haven’t figured that part out yet.
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