Deja Vu!

Greetings and salutations!


Hold Your Applause!
In Galesburg, Illinois strange things are a-happening. Caisha Gayles graduated with honors last month, but she is still waiting for her diploma. Why? She and four others are being denied diplomas because their friends and families cheered too loudly for them as they crossed the stage at their graduation ceremony. I shit you not. This is yet another example of how our society is so ultra politically correct that they'll take absurd measures in order to avoid making anyone the least bit uncomfortable, whether it's those students who don't have lots of people cheering them on or other graduates' families. To the families: If people are cheering too loudly, too fuckin' bad. If you're the ones being obnoxious, perhaps try and keep your cheers at a respectful level. Graduation ceremonies are celebrations and should be treated as such. I think too many people forget what it was like to be young. And to students: If you have a group of people cheering for you, then good for you. If you don't, then get the fuck over it! The real world doesn't have a cheering section. Consider yourself ahead of the curve.

Regardless, it's not the fault of the graduates. If someone is acting inappropriately, then make them accountable. Often, a well placed "Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you in your sleep" can diffuse such a situation. If not, remove them from the ceremonies. Do not make the graduates suffer during what should be a memorable occasion. What kind of fucking idiots are running these events? Oh, that's right: the very same people responsible for educating today's young people. Interesting….

What a Pisser!
In Columbus, Ohio, the ACLU is fighting to have the identities of executioners revealed for public scrutiny after a number of botched executions. For instance, Christopher Newton's execution by lethal injection last month took 90 minutes and at least 10 stabs of the needle for the execution team to find a vein, which isn't so different from the people who set up blood drives when I was in high school, judging from half-dollar sized bruises they left on students' arms. The funniest part is that the execution took so long that they stopped to let Newton take a bathroom break. Seriously. If swabbing the arm with alcohol before the lethal injection isn't funny enough, this has to cause some laughter. In fact, I might need a bathroom break. What Mr. Newton may not have realized is that when a person dies, they...um, how do I say this? They involuntarily void their bowels. So any embarassment he was hoping to save himself was rendered pointless upon his death.

Hit the Road, Jack
Jack Kevorkian, lovingly known as 'Dr. Death' was released from prison last week. He walked out of Lakeland Correctional Facility in Coldwater, Michigan with his attorney and 60 minutes' resident octogenarian Mike Wallace. Kevorkian's stance on assisted suicide hasn't wavered, though he now vows to use only legal channels to try and get legislation changed regarding the controversial topic. In the meantime, Kevorkian has found another way to legally help people commit suicide: working at McDonald's.

Just Plain Creepy
Couples meet in all sorts of ways. I met my girlfriend online in a message board for people with liver disorders. Woody Allen met his wife when he married her mother. Some people even meet through classified ads in the paper, which is basically the old school version of online dating. However, the Hartford Advocate runs a feature called "Déjà Vu," by far the creepiest form of classified ads I've ever seen. This is an actual ad:

"Valentine's Day: Stop and Shop. 3:30 p.m., you were busy with a purchase. I noticed the warm energy radiating through you and felt as though it was directed to me. You seem like a strong, quiet, loving person and I felt very attracted to you. I like to dance and dream and ski. What about you?"

Basically, this freak show didn't have the balls to approach this person so they placed an ad in the paper taking the chance that the object of their desire was equally as lame and desperate. Not to mention that was Valentine's Day and it's now June, which gives the other person ample time to forget about the creep staring at them from check out counter. And before you ask, the reason I know about these types of ads is because a woman I used to work with told me she was mentioned in them on three separate occasions. My question is: how do you know? What prompts someone to even look in this section, let alone place an ad? What kinds of people are turned on by someone who doesn't even have the guts to approach you in person? If two people actually do find love (or lust) through these ads, then good for them. They deserve each other.