Body Talk

This just in: Tyra Banks gains even more weight by eating up way too much of this country's time and attention.

Quick question: If a vampire coughs up blood, how does he know if he has a serious medical issue, or is just throwing up his dinner?

Glow job
Scientists have found that jumping spiders of both genders seem to 'glow' under UV light and this helps attract mates, as well as scare off other potential predators. According to CNN.com, "Under ultraviolet light, the male and female were seen to hit the 'dance floor' with their bodies aglow" and that "such striking differences between male and female coloration under UV light are crucial in courtship for these jumping spiders." Sounds like the arachnid's equivalent of a rave! If you're wondering how scientists came up with the idea to research this, the conversation went something like this:

Scientist #1: Did you get laid this weekend?
Scientist #2: Nope. But I was thinking about spiders having sex. Do you think they glow?
Scientist #1: Like light sabers in Star Wars?!
Scientist #2: Exactly!

Stupidity: It keeps on growing and growing and growing
In Chattanooga, Tennessee, six high school girls were charged with homicide conspiracy when officials discovered a list of 300 names & online postings suggested that they kill the people listed, which included classmates, school faculty, Oprah, Tom Cruise (understandable), and the Energizer Bunny. While officials are patting themselves on the back for discovering the list and preventing a possible outbreak of violence down the road, it seems to me that they're overlooking the fact that these morons were plotting to kill the fucking ENERGIZER BUNNY! Trust me, whatever anyone has done to these girls, I would bet my life that the Energizer Bunny played absolutely no role in it, unless perhaps he learned to play the bass drum in their high school marching band and then refused to dance with the girls at Homecoming, but that's doubtful. Anyway, I don't need a punch line or joke to end this paragraph. These six dipshits are living punch lines to jokes that weren't very funny to begin with.

Garnering attention
Something is amiss in the following headline: Jennifer Garner almost loses expensive ring. Did she lose it? Nope. She almost did. Somehow, that made a CNN headline. Something that did not happen makes the news, which even surpasses the stupidity of being kept abreast of the state of Lindsay Lohan's appendix, which, I'm told, was given to Tom Cruise for some scientology ritual-slash-pot luck dinner. This culture's celebrity obsession just slays me. In fact, I ALMOST threw up in my mouth. Scratch that. I definitely did.

Show me the body!
Wouldn't it be cool to discover a dead body? I don't mean the body of a loved one or someone you know. That's just awful and I'm really not trying to be morbid. Picture this: you're walking through the woods one day and you see something partially obscured under a pile of leaves and, lo and behold, it's a dead body. How exciting! I'm not sure whom I would call first; Police? Girlfriend? Mom? Would I leave and come back with some friends? Would I just leave and let some other lucky soul find it? That would be a generous thing to do. Then again, there's a good chance there are family members wondering what happened to the person, so it's probably best to report it as soon as possible. I think it's important to be aware of these things in the event that you stumble upon a corpse. It never hurts to be prepared. Maybe you'd even get to go on TV and talk about it. You'd have a great story to tell at parties, weddings, school, church or wherever you feel the need to talk about your find. Believe me, any conversation that begins with "Do you remember the time I found a dead body?" is sure to be an attention grabbing one.

Remember that movie Stand By Me, starring Corey Feldman and River Phoenix? It was a coming of age tale based on short story by Stephen King called "The Body." A group of kids heard about a body in the woods and made it their mission to go find it. They packed lunches, fire crackers, and had all sorts of adventures on the way, including almost getting run down by a train, attacked by guard dogs and, of course, leeches. Gross. But all ended well when they discovered the body of Ray Brower, who had been struck by a train. Sadly, this was the highlight of Corey Feldman's and River Phoenix's life and career. Jerry O' Connell got thin and then went on star on "Crossing Jordan" and bang Rebecca Romaijn (Uncle Jesse's ex wife). Wil Wheaton starred on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," with Levar Burton, who played on Reading Rainbow. Oh wow, that takes me back. But seriously, I've gotten off on a tangent. Hey speaking of getting off….


Buncha jerk-offs
You know what's not cool? Auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is the practice of depriving oneself of oxygen as you have an orgasm. The point? Apparently it's mind blowingly (yes, that is a word for today) good. But timing is everything and people tend to fuck it up and die. Then the parents find them dead with their pants around their ankles. Of course, to avoid the embarrassment of the situation, they report it as a suicide, therefore our country's suicide statistics get inflated and it's just an all around hassle for everyone. You know what really enhances an orgasm? Having someone else in the room. The best orgasms are the ones I don't give myself. These people who choke themselves are just lazy and greedy. Stop it!

'Tis all for now, folks. Enjoy your weekend!