Miami or Bust!

Hey sports fans!

Football season is upon us! Go Patriots! They're playing their first game of the regular season against The Jets. I can't stand The Jets. You know why? The New York Jets don't play in New York. They play in New Jersey at Giants Stadium. They don't even have their own stadium in their own state. They're barely a real team. Blecch!

Ok, big news all! Beginning on September 24, I will be leaving Connecticut and driving down to Miami for good. Currently, the job situation is up in the air but I have some positive things happening and hope to have something lined up very soon. If not, then I will accept that challenge and meet it head on. I'm very excited about the move, albeit a bit scared. I'm leaving my comfort zone and pretty much the only home I've ever known. However, I've wanted to move south for so long and I've found an amazing girl willing to let me share her apartment and life, as well as help take care of our awesome puppy, Niles. I will be closer to some members of my family as well. This is a huge deal and I'm thankful the have the love and support of friends and family. If you want my new address, please message me!

Next Saturday night, September 15, I will be performing for the last time at Javapalooza. It's a solo acoustic show and I'm very excited. My first solo performance was a couple weeks back and was an incredible experience. Thank you to all who came out for it. My best buddy Beau is off in Michigan and due to my hospitalization, we never had a final show. I will dedicate this next performance to him. Actually, I dedicated the last performance to him as well. He's been a great friend and songwriting partner for the past 13 years.

Ok, let's get ranting…

Now, I'm not a parent but I still feel particularly qualified to make the following demand: Stop leaving your fucking kids in the car when it's hot outside! I don't know what chapter of which parenting book covers this, but I can't believe that parents still neglect their kids in this fashion. Apparently, this is why you should be able to order malt liquor over the Internet. These fools shouldn't be allowed to procreate, let alone leave the house when it's hot outside. There certainly are ways to show the world you're a shitty parent that won't land you in jail or kill your child. Just look at Britney Spears.

Character Assasination!
Every office has its characters, some more common than others. There's the office clown, the slut, the kiss-up, etc. However, there are some characters that are a little harder to pick out, but can be just as amusing, if not more so, than your clichéd cast of characters. For instance:

There's the guy who pees way too long. I walk in, he's in mid-stream. I begin to pee, he's going. I finish up, he's going. I wash my hands. Still going. I slowly dry them, thinking "Good Lord." I go over my grocery list for that evening. In Spanish. Twice. He's still going. I walk out the door, and he's still pissin' away. He's like the Energizer Bunny….if the Energizer Bunny was taking a leak. If you have to use one of your alotted 15 minute breaks to take a piss, perhaps it's time for a check up.

On a related note, every office has a guy who doesn't wash his hands, even if there are other people in the bathroom who will take notice. Do not shake hands with this man. There is urine on his hands.

On yet another related note, have any of you men have ever walked into a stall and saw that the toilet seat was covered in piss? What do you do? If all you have to do is urinate, then you can do so and walk away. However, if someone walks into the stall after you, they're going to assume that you're the one who left the soiled toilet seat. This happened to me a number of times when I worked in a smaller office and the bathroom was unisex with a single toilet. I'm certainly not going to clean up some other guy's mess. But if you get defensive and say, "I didn't do that," people are going to assume that you did. It's really a no-win situation, but I still believe it is better just to remain silent.

Ok, next you have the guy who is only there until something better comes along. He will let you know over and over that this is not his life's calling and therefore he's usually too good to be bothered with certain tasks that the job entails. He's only working his particular job till he lands the big executive spot making double the money with half the responsibility. "Yeah, we know. You've been saying that for eight years now. Go photocopy something, ya douche."

Then there's the guy who makes jokes, but is really creepy. One morning you're gathered around the water cooler (does anyone actually do that anymore?) and talking about your new puppy and how he pooped on the rug last night. Then Mr. Creepy Jokester comes along and says something like, "I totally would have stabbed my puppy if he did that." Then he laughs. And you do, too, nervously; not because he's funny, but because you totally believe he would.

Then there's the woman who can't stop talking about her kids. I'm not a father so maybe this one isn't fair. When I'm a dad, maybe all I'll want to talk about is my kid. Yet for those of us who don't think a three year old putting his clothes on backwards and then crapping his pants is cute, this person can certainly get on your nerves. Sometimes I just wanna turn around and scream, "THAT'S NOT NORMAL!! YOUR KID HAS PROBLEMS!"

Finally, there's Chelvis. Wait, don't tell me you don't have a Chelvis!! A big, fat Chinese guy with dark hair and sideburns? Chinese Elvis; Chelvis. Chickety-Chelvis, the Chinese Elvis!

On that note, have an amazing weekend!!