I've never been one to tackle the issue of race. Society taught me that because of the way white people acted long before I was even thought of being born, I am to have no opinion whatsoever about race issues. Sounds fair, right? Ok, (takes deep breath, clears throat and adjusts posture) here I go:
The backlash of Michael Richards' racist rant has been fiercer than I imagined. This week, in an attempt to "let the healing begin," Richards met with Jesse Jackson on his radio show to discuss the incident that, apparently, has shattered the black community. Now, without trivializing the incident, I had no idea that the well-being of the black community (a rather large group of individuals) hinged upon what that guy who played "Kramer" on Seinfeld thinks. It's actually sort of ridiculous, and would probably be news to most black folks who actually have better things to do with their lives than concern themselves with this bullshit. But good news for fellow Caucasians: I have been in touch with Jaleel White a.k.a. "Steve Urkel" from the hit sitcom Family Matters and he has advised me that he thinks white folks are just terrific.
In an email to CNN.com, one reader wrote, "He [Richards] has single-handedly left an ugly blotch on mankind." This statement made me laugh because up until last week I think most people had forgotten Richards existed and now he's seemingly changed the face of race relations as we know it. Then again, the last guy who polarized the nation regarding race had to kill his ex-wife to do it, so I think we're actually making progress.
Here's how I see it: people can be bigoted, stupid, easily angered, and impulsive, and sometimes these things conspire at one point in time and a bad decision is made. If you happen to be a celebrity, then things get complicated. Again, I am in no way condoning his tirade, but I don't see this incident as one that warrants the attention it's getting. Richards claims his comments were made "out of anger, not bigotry." I see this ordeal as one guy getting angry and lashing out at some people who were being disrespectful while he was on stage. Unfortunately for him, they were black. If the audience members were white and obese, perhaps Richards would have called them "fat asses" and it would have been a mere blip on the news radar. Or Richards would end up on Oprah show having to explain that he really has nothing against overweight people. Except Rosie O'Donnell. She's evil.
Now, returning to Jesse Jackson. For him to urge the public to not buy Seinfeld DVDs is just ridiculous and does not in any way show the level of forgiveness and compassion that this man supposedly has. If you're gonna consider yourself the spokesperson for an entire race of people, try not to be such a big fuckin' baby. Call me crazy, but I don't think boycotting Seinfeld would have any effect on race relations in this country. On the other hand, letting the Wayans brothers continue to make films is definitely a step in the wrong direction.
One thing that I do agree with is Jackson's urging the usage of the "n-word" in entertainment be stopped, including in rap lyrics, which is probably where the most abundant use of the word is these days. I want to make it clear that I do not advocate censorship at all. It should be up to the artists to use or not use the word, but understand that a black person saying the "n-word" should be no more acceptable than a white person saying it. If we're going to try and preach racial tolerance, it should be universal. If a black person uses racial slurs towards another black person, how is that less offensive? To me it's both offensive and stupid.
As far as I'm concerned, there are so few entertainers who approach the issue race with any sort of intelligence and the less of it we see, the better. I'm sorry but, "you ever notice how white people buy a lot of khakis" is not a funny joke. It's true, but it's not funny.
There is a ton of racially biased and outright racist content on television, but as long as it's not a white person saying it, then apparently it's acceptable. And I'll never understand the popularity of Carlos Mencia who, because he is non-white, seems to have the right to disrespect every race, color, creed, and religion imaginable. Honkys, beaners, wetbacks, ha-ha…we get it. Moving on…..Let's face it: the only reason Carlos Mencia is popular is because Chappelle's Show went off the air.
Anyhow, this issue can't be neatly packaged up into a nice conclusion. All I can say is that racial discrimination will always be an issue in this country, as will discrimination of all types. The more sensitive and 'politically correct' people try to be, the more the pronounced our differences become. When I think about how political correctness has infested our culture, I believe that perhaps our tolerance levels have actually decreased over the years. Political correctness doesn't change our differences, but only serves to highlight them in a pathetic attempt to appear 'sensitive.' So fuck that. It's all bullshit.
But that's just this cracker's opinion.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
Judgement free zones?
Spoiler alert!
The following blog contains the word "fuck," "bullshit" and "marshmallow." Some readers may find its content humorous, angry, harsh, and/or politically incorrect. That is my intent. Happy reading.
The big news this week is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, referred to by idiots as TomKat, finally got married in a castle in Italy in front of friends, family, and their little baby daughter who is named after some sort of Chinese food item. They even wrote their own vows. While I wasn't able to secure the full transcripts, I have it on good authority that at one point Katie looked into Tom's eyes and, emulating Cruise's character in Jerry McGuire, said, "You had me at 'hello, let's have a baby and eat the placenta.'" Then they engaged in a long kiss that made everyone feel very uncomfortable, but was probably Cruise's way saying to the public, "If I was gay, how could I kiss a woman for this long?" How indeed, Tom. How indeed.
Dammit! I had this whole rant written about O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," and coinciding television special and I just logged onto the CNN.com to find that both the book and interview have been cancelled, therefore my diatribe is pointless. Now, since we'll never know how O.J. would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, we'll have to settle for knowing how he did.
Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from 'Seinfeld,' shocked an audience the other night by yelling out the "n-word" to a fan who was heckling him during a stand-up comedy routine. After his tirade, another audience member yelled, "It's not funny. That's why you're a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies. 'Seinfeld,' that's it." While that doesn't excuse Mr. Richards' actions, the audience member couldn't be more wrong. Michael Richards has numerous movie and television appearances to his credit, including UHF w/ 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Problem Child w/ John Ritter, Airheads with Adam Sandler and Brendan Fraser, and even an appearance on 'Miami Vice' and 'Hill Street Blues.' There are few things worse than a misinformed heckler. Except maybe some has-been actor yelling out racial slurs to an audience. When asked for comment, Jerry Seinfeld said, "Who is Michael Richards?"
Ok, here's the story that really pisses me off.
In Wappinger Falls, NY, a former bodybuilder turned corrections officer was escorted out of a Planet Fitness gym by the police for grunting while squatting 500 lbs. Yes, I said grunting. To be fair, he was asked to stop grunting, but was escorted by police only after he refused and allegedly swore at the employee. Nevertheless, I'm so pissed off that I'm having a hard time finding the right words. I'm almost tempted to just write the word "fuck" 50 times and end it there, but I consider myself to be good with words and you probably expect better from me.
Let me clarify that while I do not consider myself a bodybuilder per se, I take my weightlifting, diet, and physical appearance very seriously. Therefore, I get upset at these chains of "gyms" popping all over the place claiming to "Judgment Free Zones" or gyms "for the rest of us," which apparently means they cater primarily to people who like saying they work out more than actually putting their bodies through any rigorous activity. FYI: answering your cell phone does not count as a bicep curl.
These "judgment free zones" are bullshit because they discriminate against those who lift heavy weights. People don't grunt because it's fun, they grunt because it's a natural reaction to exerting energy, which is what you should be doing if you're exercising*.
*exercising not defined as doing a set of 10 crunches and then talking for a half-hour about last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy.
For me, and many others, going to the gym is more than a conversation piece, it's a lifestyle. These "gyms" claim to be non-intimidating atmospheres, which is total crap. Feeling intimidated and having someone actually intimidate you are two completely different things. If someone has bigger muscles or a thinner waistline than you, deal with it. You either find the motivation to try and better yourself and reach your desired goals, or you go home, rent a movie, break out the Ben & Jerry's, masturbate, cry, go to bed, and then wake up and start all over again. I'm not a grunter, I don't drop weights too often, and I would never intentionally humiliate or intimidate another gym member, regardless of their size or strength. However, I refuse to compromise my routines in the gym because some marshmallow might feel 'intimidated.' There are lots of guys less muscular than me, and plenty of them that are more muscular. Some of it is genetics and some of it is dedication, diet, and hard work. Ok, and yes, some of it is steroids. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all then you have the facts of life, the facts of life.
Well, I want to end on a positive note by saying Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Keep safe this holiday season. Remember, no video game system is worth getting shot over, even though the natural urge when in a Walmart store is to take a human life.
The following blog contains the word "fuck," "bullshit" and "marshmallow." Some readers may find its content humorous, angry, harsh, and/or politically incorrect. That is my intent. Happy reading.
The big news this week is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, referred to by idiots as TomKat, finally got married in a castle in Italy in front of friends, family, and their little baby daughter who is named after some sort of Chinese food item. They even wrote their own vows. While I wasn't able to secure the full transcripts, I have it on good authority that at one point Katie looked into Tom's eyes and, emulating Cruise's character in Jerry McGuire, said, "You had me at 'hello, let's have a baby and eat the placenta.'" Then they engaged in a long kiss that made everyone feel very uncomfortable, but was probably Cruise's way saying to the public, "If I was gay, how could I kiss a woman for this long?" How indeed, Tom. How indeed.
Dammit! I had this whole rant written about O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," and coinciding television special and I just logged onto the CNN.com to find that both the book and interview have been cancelled, therefore my diatribe is pointless. Now, since we'll never know how O.J. would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, we'll have to settle for knowing how he did.
Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from 'Seinfeld,' shocked an audience the other night by yelling out the "n-word" to a fan who was heckling him during a stand-up comedy routine. After his tirade, another audience member yelled, "It's not funny. That's why you're a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies. 'Seinfeld,' that's it." While that doesn't excuse Mr. Richards' actions, the audience member couldn't be more wrong. Michael Richards has numerous movie and television appearances to his credit, including UHF w/ 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Problem Child w/ John Ritter, Airheads with Adam Sandler and Brendan Fraser, and even an appearance on 'Miami Vice' and 'Hill Street Blues.' There are few things worse than a misinformed heckler. Except maybe some has-been actor yelling out racial slurs to an audience. When asked for comment, Jerry Seinfeld said, "Who is Michael Richards?"
Ok, here's the story that really pisses me off.
In Wappinger Falls, NY, a former bodybuilder turned corrections officer was escorted out of a Planet Fitness gym by the police for grunting while squatting 500 lbs. Yes, I said grunting. To be fair, he was asked to stop grunting, but was escorted by police only after he refused and allegedly swore at the employee. Nevertheless, I'm so pissed off that I'm having a hard time finding the right words. I'm almost tempted to just write the word "fuck" 50 times and end it there, but I consider myself to be good with words and you probably expect better from me.
Let me clarify that while I do not consider myself a bodybuilder per se, I take my weightlifting, diet, and physical appearance very seriously. Therefore, I get upset at these chains of "gyms" popping all over the place claiming to "Judgment Free Zones" or gyms "for the rest of us," which apparently means they cater primarily to people who like saying they work out more than actually putting their bodies through any rigorous activity. FYI: answering your cell phone does not count as a bicep curl.
These "judgment free zones" are bullshit because they discriminate against those who lift heavy weights. People don't grunt because it's fun, they grunt because it's a natural reaction to exerting energy, which is what you should be doing if you're exercising*.
*exercising not defined as doing a set of 10 crunches and then talking for a half-hour about last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy.
For me, and many others, going to the gym is more than a conversation piece, it's a lifestyle. These "gyms" claim to be non-intimidating atmospheres, which is total crap. Feeling intimidated and having someone actually intimidate you are two completely different things. If someone has bigger muscles or a thinner waistline than you, deal with it. You either find the motivation to try and better yourself and reach your desired goals, or you go home, rent a movie, break out the Ben & Jerry's, masturbate, cry, go to bed, and then wake up and start all over again. I'm not a grunter, I don't drop weights too often, and I would never intentionally humiliate or intimidate another gym member, regardless of their size or strength. However, I refuse to compromise my routines in the gym because some marshmallow might feel 'intimidated.' There are lots of guys less muscular than me, and plenty of them that are more muscular. Some of it is genetics and some of it is dedication, diet, and hard work. Ok, and yes, some of it is steroids. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all then you have the facts of life, the facts of life.
Well, I want to end on a positive note by saying Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Keep safe this holiday season. Remember, no video game system is worth getting shot over, even though the natural urge when in a Walmart store is to take a human life.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Halloween!
Boys and ghouls, it's time for another frighteningly poignant blog. It's so funny, it's SCARY!! You just may DIE laughing hahahah!
Ok, so I'm not quite as quick with a pun as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt was, but being in the spirit of Halloween, I have decided to jot down some aspects of Halloween that I enjoy, as well as some things that annoy me. Read on….if you dare!!
Horror movies
During most of October, television stations are always playing horror movies, which range from classics like Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Omen, and The Exorcist, to newer movies such as The Ring, The Grudge, and Halloween 12: This Mike Meyers Shit Again? Ok, I made I that last one up. I love scary movies. There are few things better than turning out all the lights and throwing on a good horror flick, preferable in the company of a pretty girl who scares easily and deals with her fright by randomly taking off articles of clothing. Between all the remakes, spin offs, sequels and prequels, I can't help but long for something original and innovative. Zombie movies are all the same and the formula is wearing out its welcome in my eyes and most of the originals are just a lot of scary music building up to a "boo!" and then….nothing, or mindless gore with no real plot. Old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries hosted by that walking corpse Robert Stack scare me more than most of the 'scary' movies coming out these days.
I'll tell you what I am a fan of: freak animal movies. Snakes, spiders, ticks, sharks, bats, cats, rats, gnats, I don't give a shit. As long as you blow them up to ridiculously large scale sizes and make them bloodthirsty killers, then you've got my attention.
Pumpkins
Pumpkins kick ass. Pumpkin pie is delicious and I could live on pumpkin bread alone, though I'm not much for pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin carving is not only a great way to utilize the rest of the pumpkin, but can be a creative way to showcase your artistic talent and the fact that you have too much time on your hands, not unlike these blogsJ Please don't confuse pumpkins w/ gourds. I don't even know the fuck gourds are all about. Fun Fact: Did you know the inside of the pumpkin is known as the "meat"? Gross.
Sports
Ok, this doesn't really have much to with Halloween, but at this time of year I can enjoy both the World Series, football all day on Sundays and Monday night as well. So I have something to switch on during the commercial breaks of The Halloween Chainsaw Living Dead Massacre on Elm St II: Chucky goes to Space Camp.
Women's Halloween attire
I like seeing scantily clad women as much as the next hetero guy. When I can tell what color panties a girl has on from across the room, I know I'm having a good night. I'm just making that clear to you folks. But lately, I've been noticing how uncreative women are when it comes to Halloween. I'm sorry ladies, but wearing a short skirt and a low cut top and a headband with devil horns on it is NOT a costume. Minus the headband, it's pretty much what every chick wears every weekend at every bar in every town everywhere. Hot? Yup. Sexy? Sure, but not a costume. If I wanted to see slutty looking chicks (and I do), then I'd hit up the bars on Saturday nights (which I do). Ladies, don't be surprised when you go to a Halloween party see 100 other women dressed in the exact same get up as you. You don't all have to wear school girl uniforms. This is your chance to be sexy, but also creative. Show us all you're more than a sweet rack and tight caboose.
Trick or Treating
I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. But now that I'm older, and on the other side of the door come October 31, I realize there's only a small age group that I really enjoy seeing on my doorstep. Some kids are too young to comprehend what's going on, and while they're cute, they have no use for candy and are probably not cognizant of what is happening. If baby still breastfeeds, baby don't need no candy.
It's the 3-9 age group that really seem to appreciate and enjoy Trick-or-Treating for more than simply getting candy. They're all excitable, into the spirit of Halloween and truly grateful when they get candy from you.
Then you've got the 10-15 year old kids who are just pricks They proclaim, "trick or treat" with all the emotion of Lurch from The Addams' Family, and just stand there waiting for your candy. And God forbid it's not to their liking; they'll let you know on the spot. "Ugh! This candy sucks," to which I reply," You know what else sucks? Getting stabbed in the chest. Move the fuck along!"
Lastly, basically anyone older than high school age has no business soliciting candy. You're now old enough to stay home, dress up like a giant penis or a keg, laugh at how clever you are, and then collapse in a pile of your own candy corn laden vomit.
Kids' Costumes
Whatever happened to kids dressing up as good ol' vampires, witches, ghosts, goblins, and Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, OBGYN? I start to feel a little old when I don't recognize half the costumes. "Oh how cute! A giant piece of pineapple with shorts on. Oh, you're Spongebob Squarepants, huh? Is he a rapper?"
Ok, I'm not that out of touch, but you get the idea.
Candy
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, and Snickers were always my favorite candy bars. All the other stuff was incidental and used as bartering with my brother to secure more of the candy that I liked. Fuck tootsie rolls, and def. fuck candy that is too generic to even have anything but plain orange wrapper. Where does one even buy this candy?! When I was younger, I neither knew nor cared about fat content, calories, or sugar. How I long to blissfully destroy my body again.
I always remembered the few houses that would give you full size candy bars. And of course, the opposite side of the spectrum was those fuckers who gave me Necco wafers. Hmmm…I wonder what dried spackle tastes like? If someone were to make "asshole" into a candy, what would it taste like? I reckon it'd taste like Necco wafers. And Whoppers. God help me, I hate Whoppers.
Myths and rumors
A few years back at U of Hartford there was a rumor going around that a popular TV psychic (Sylvia brown, I think) had predicted a mass murder at a college campus with a building shaped like an X. For those of you unfamiliar with U of Hartford, there is a dorm called Regents Park that, from the air, resembles an X (actually, it's more like a swastika, which is interesting for a campus with a 25% Jewish population). Regardless, nothing happened, and I still don't trust anything I hear on Montel Williams to this day. But it still freaked people out and was a nice addition to the Halloween mood.
Also, there's the famous 'razorblades in candy' cautionary tale that you always hear about. Sadly, I never did find any razorblades in my candy. I think it would have made a good story. It'd be something to tell the grandkids, assuming that I found razorblade before I bit into the candy and still had a tongue to orate my evil discovery.
Christmas
Ok, so what does Halloween have to do w/ Christmas? Well, if you've been in a fucking store lately, then you'd think pretty much everything. It seems as if we're bypassing Thanksgiving and trying to whore Christmas out to as many people as possible as soon as possible.
Simpson's Tree House of Horror
While I greatly enjoy these specials, I'm upset that because of the World Series, they're now on TV after Halloween. D'oh! By November 5, I'm over Halloween. This guy's looking to the future. Eat my shorts!
Devil's Night
Also known as Mischief Night. It's the night before Halloween. It is the night for toilet papering houses, egging houses and cars, ringing doorbells and running, leaving only flaming bags of dog shit behind, and all that truly juvenile stuff. Wouldn't it be a shame if one of these kids, while attempting to toilet paper a tree in my yard, accidentally got their foot caught in a rusty bear trap that happened to be lying around? Wait, did I say "a shame"? I meant fucking hilarious.
Happy Halloween everyone!!
Ok, so I'm not quite as quick with a pun as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt was, but being in the spirit of Halloween, I have decided to jot down some aspects of Halloween that I enjoy, as well as some things that annoy me. Read on….if you dare!!
Horror movies
During most of October, television stations are always playing horror movies, which range from classics like Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Omen, and The Exorcist, to newer movies such as The Ring, The Grudge, and Halloween 12: This Mike Meyers Shit Again? Ok, I made I that last one up. I love scary movies. There are few things better than turning out all the lights and throwing on a good horror flick, preferable in the company of a pretty girl who scares easily and deals with her fright by randomly taking off articles of clothing. Between all the remakes, spin offs, sequels and prequels, I can't help but long for something original and innovative. Zombie movies are all the same and the formula is wearing out its welcome in my eyes and most of the originals are just a lot of scary music building up to a "boo!" and then….nothing, or mindless gore with no real plot. Old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries hosted by that walking corpse Robert Stack scare me more than most of the 'scary' movies coming out these days.
I'll tell you what I am a fan of: freak animal movies. Snakes, spiders, ticks, sharks, bats, cats, rats, gnats, I don't give a shit. As long as you blow them up to ridiculously large scale sizes and make them bloodthirsty killers, then you've got my attention.
Pumpkins
Pumpkins kick ass. Pumpkin pie is delicious and I could live on pumpkin bread alone, though I'm not much for pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin carving is not only a great way to utilize the rest of the pumpkin, but can be a creative way to showcase your artistic talent and the fact that you have too much time on your hands, not unlike these blogsJ Please don't confuse pumpkins w/ gourds. I don't even know the fuck gourds are all about. Fun Fact: Did you know the inside of the pumpkin is known as the "meat"? Gross.
Sports
Ok, this doesn't really have much to with Halloween, but at this time of year I can enjoy both the World Series, football all day on Sundays and Monday night as well. So I have something to switch on during the commercial breaks of The Halloween Chainsaw Living Dead Massacre on Elm St II: Chucky goes to Space Camp.
Women's Halloween attire
I like seeing scantily clad women as much as the next hetero guy. When I can tell what color panties a girl has on from across the room, I know I'm having a good night. I'm just making that clear to you folks. But lately, I've been noticing how uncreative women are when it comes to Halloween. I'm sorry ladies, but wearing a short skirt and a low cut top and a headband with devil horns on it is NOT a costume. Minus the headband, it's pretty much what every chick wears every weekend at every bar in every town everywhere. Hot? Yup. Sexy? Sure, but not a costume. If I wanted to see slutty looking chicks (and I do), then I'd hit up the bars on Saturday nights (which I do). Ladies, don't be surprised when you go to a Halloween party see 100 other women dressed in the exact same get up as you. You don't all have to wear school girl uniforms. This is your chance to be sexy, but also creative. Show us all you're more than a sweet rack and tight caboose.
Trick or Treating
I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. But now that I'm older, and on the other side of the door come October 31, I realize there's only a small age group that I really enjoy seeing on my doorstep. Some kids are too young to comprehend what's going on, and while they're cute, they have no use for candy and are probably not cognizant of what is happening. If baby still breastfeeds, baby don't need no candy.
It's the 3-9 age group that really seem to appreciate and enjoy Trick-or-Treating for more than simply getting candy. They're all excitable, into the spirit of Halloween and truly grateful when they get candy from you.
Then you've got the 10-15 year old kids who are just pricks They proclaim, "trick or treat" with all the emotion of Lurch from The Addams' Family, and just stand there waiting for your candy. And God forbid it's not to their liking; they'll let you know on the spot. "Ugh! This candy sucks," to which I reply," You know what else sucks? Getting stabbed in the chest. Move the fuck along!"
Lastly, basically anyone older than high school age has no business soliciting candy. You're now old enough to stay home, dress up like a giant penis or a keg, laugh at how clever you are, and then collapse in a pile of your own candy corn laden vomit.
Kids' Costumes
Whatever happened to kids dressing up as good ol' vampires, witches, ghosts, goblins, and Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, OBGYN? I start to feel a little old when I don't recognize half the costumes. "Oh how cute! A giant piece of pineapple with shorts on. Oh, you're Spongebob Squarepants, huh? Is he a rapper?"
Ok, I'm not that out of touch, but you get the idea.
Candy
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, and Snickers were always my favorite candy bars. All the other stuff was incidental and used as bartering with my brother to secure more of the candy that I liked. Fuck tootsie rolls, and def. fuck candy that is too generic to even have anything but plain orange wrapper. Where does one even buy this candy?! When I was younger, I neither knew nor cared about fat content, calories, or sugar. How I long to blissfully destroy my body again.
I always remembered the few houses that would give you full size candy bars. And of course, the opposite side of the spectrum was those fuckers who gave me Necco wafers. Hmmm…I wonder what dried spackle tastes like? If someone were to make "asshole" into a candy, what would it taste like? I reckon it'd taste like Necco wafers. And Whoppers. God help me, I hate Whoppers.
Myths and rumors
A few years back at U of Hartford there was a rumor going around that a popular TV psychic (Sylvia brown, I think) had predicted a mass murder at a college campus with a building shaped like an X. For those of you unfamiliar with U of Hartford, there is a dorm called Regents Park that, from the air, resembles an X (actually, it's more like a swastika, which is interesting for a campus with a 25% Jewish population). Regardless, nothing happened, and I still don't trust anything I hear on Montel Williams to this day. But it still freaked people out and was a nice addition to the Halloween mood.
Also, there's the famous 'razorblades in candy' cautionary tale that you always hear about. Sadly, I never did find any razorblades in my candy. I think it would have made a good story. It'd be something to tell the grandkids, assuming that I found razorblade before I bit into the candy and still had a tongue to orate my evil discovery.
Christmas
Ok, so what does Halloween have to do w/ Christmas? Well, if you've been in a fucking store lately, then you'd think pretty much everything. It seems as if we're bypassing Thanksgiving and trying to whore Christmas out to as many people as possible as soon as possible.
Simpson's Tree House of Horror
While I greatly enjoy these specials, I'm upset that because of the World Series, they're now on TV after Halloween. D'oh! By November 5, I'm over Halloween. This guy's looking to the future. Eat my shorts!
Devil's Night
Also known as Mischief Night. It's the night before Halloween. It is the night for toilet papering houses, egging houses and cars, ringing doorbells and running, leaving only flaming bags of dog shit behind, and all that truly juvenile stuff. Wouldn't it be a shame if one of these kids, while attempting to toilet paper a tree in my yard, accidentally got their foot caught in a rusty bear trap that happened to be lying around? Wait, did I say "a shame"? I meant fucking hilarious.
Happy Halloween everyone!!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
The Obituaries
I read the obituaries. Most people think they're morbid. I do not. In fact, I think that these obituaries can be the least morbid section of the paper. All throughout the papers, you read stories of murder, rape, assault, abuse, robbery, white collar crime, and people doing other awful things to other people. And of course, let's not forget our daily dose of the happenings in the Middle East: suicide bombers, terrorists, fires, explosions, and yet more of our Americans being blown up in the name of oil, re-election (by garsh, it worked!), and (somehow) freedom. And then we have little Agnes Jones who died in her sleep at the ripe age of 88. That seems pretty tame in comparison. Maybe the reason I like the obits is because, with some exceptions, it reminds me that people actually DO live long full lives and die of natural causes. I'm not saying cancer and disease are good things, but they're natural and, as sad as they are, they are a part of life, as opposed to being drowned in a bathtub by your lunatic mother (wait, killing 5 children is wrong?) or raped in the seminary by someone you've trusted with your spiritual well-being.
But there are some things about the obituaries that always bugged me.
I'm a curious guy and sometimes the obituaries aren't detailed enough for me. When someone dies "suddenly," they don't often elaborate. C'mon! "Tom Jones, 48, died suddenly Monday night when he was struck by car. The driver was identified as Mona, a 350 lb grizzly bear, reported missing from the San Diego Zoo." Yes! Now, that's the epitome of suddenly.
Conversely, some obits are quite wordy and I find myself drifting off about the time they get to the part about the deceased's service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, his affinity for bocce ball, and the 23 other relatives who preceded him in death. For Heaven's sake, James Joyce, put down the pen. And Danielle Steele, when you get to the part of about him being reunited with his deceased wife so the two can now hold hands in Heaven and make sweet sweaty love in the back of a Ford Model-T in the midst of God's holy splendor…well, then you've just lost us all. It's a death notice, not a Harlequin novel.
And what's wrong with "dying." Why does the word "die" in an obituary seem to be a dirty word? You ever notice that not many people "die"? Many "pass on", "pass away", "cross over" "soar with the angels", "join God's heavenly flock," "enter Heaven" , "leave this world" or some other useless phrase that does nothing to change the facts. There is nothing wrong with saying someone died. Though I suppose you could get clinical:
"Tom Jones, beloved husband and father, ceased oxygen intake Monday night as a result of a severe myocardial infarction that occurred when an atherosclerotic plaque slowly built up in the inner lining of his coronary artery and then suddenly ruptured, totally occluding the artery and preventing blood flow downstream. He was 48 years old." (Thank you, Wikipedia)
But then again, you do pay by the line. So, if you're gonna get cute, there are some other fun euphemisms for death that can be used. For instance, "Tom Jones, son of Earl and Betty Jones, bought the farm Monday night…" I'd love to read an obit that used the phrases "kick the bucket" "took a dirt nap" "pushin' up daisies", "no longer eligible for census" or "became worm food". That'd be so funny, I might cross over laughing.
Also, there's nothing wrong with being old. I'm sort of taking some cues from George Carlin here, but our world has a fear of aging and of being old. Admittedly, I'm a small part of it. I work out and eat (relatively) healthy in attempt to look good and stave off certain signs of aging, but word old doesn't bother me much. I saw an obituary once for a man who had recently…um….died. Not only did the obituary read "90 years young" but the picture they published of this man was from at least 60 years previous. So not only could his delusional family not acknowledge that he was "old", but they couldn't bare to show a picture of him as he was, which I find to be quite insulting to old folks in general, and the deceased specifically. That's fuckin' denial.
Woo! Not bad for a Monday.
But there are some things about the obituaries that always bugged me.
I'm a curious guy and sometimes the obituaries aren't detailed enough for me. When someone dies "suddenly," they don't often elaborate. C'mon! "Tom Jones, 48, died suddenly Monday night when he was struck by car. The driver was identified as Mona, a 350 lb grizzly bear, reported missing from the San Diego Zoo." Yes! Now, that's the epitome of suddenly.
Conversely, some obits are quite wordy and I find myself drifting off about the time they get to the part about the deceased's service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, his affinity for bocce ball, and the 23 other relatives who preceded him in death. For Heaven's sake, James Joyce, put down the pen. And Danielle Steele, when you get to the part of about him being reunited with his deceased wife so the two can now hold hands in Heaven and make sweet sweaty love in the back of a Ford Model-T in the midst of God's holy splendor…well, then you've just lost us all. It's a death notice, not a Harlequin novel.
And what's wrong with "dying." Why does the word "die" in an obituary seem to be a dirty word? You ever notice that not many people "die"? Many "pass on", "pass away", "cross over" "soar with the angels", "join God's heavenly flock," "enter Heaven" , "leave this world" or some other useless phrase that does nothing to change the facts. There is nothing wrong with saying someone died. Though I suppose you could get clinical:
"Tom Jones, beloved husband and father, ceased oxygen intake Monday night as a result of a severe myocardial infarction that occurred when an atherosclerotic plaque slowly built up in the inner lining of his coronary artery and then suddenly ruptured, totally occluding the artery and preventing blood flow downstream. He was 48 years old." (Thank you, Wikipedia)
But then again, you do pay by the line. So, if you're gonna get cute, there are some other fun euphemisms for death that can be used. For instance, "Tom Jones, son of Earl and Betty Jones, bought the farm Monday night…" I'd love to read an obit that used the phrases "kick the bucket" "took a dirt nap" "pushin' up daisies", "no longer eligible for census" or "became worm food". That'd be so funny, I might cross over laughing.
Also, there's nothing wrong with being old. I'm sort of taking some cues from George Carlin here, but our world has a fear of aging and of being old. Admittedly, I'm a small part of it. I work out and eat (relatively) healthy in attempt to look good and stave off certain signs of aging, but word old doesn't bother me much. I saw an obituary once for a man who had recently…um….died. Not only did the obituary read "90 years young" but the picture they published of this man was from at least 60 years previous. So not only could his delusional family not acknowledge that he was "old", but they couldn't bare to show a picture of him as he was, which I find to be quite insulting to old folks in general, and the deceased specifically. That's fuckin' denial.
Woo! Not bad for a Monday.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Hazards of the Road (this is a long one!)
Did you know that in 2005 alone, there were 39,189 fatal car crashes in the United States? If you googled (love that word!) 'car accident statistics', then you would. You would also know that Thanksgiving is one of the most dangerous weekends for auto accidents. It's coming up, so be vigilant.
I've wanted to vent about the hazards of the road for a while now, but just never got around to it. Now seems like as good a time as any, seeing as I almost got killed Friday night by some fucking maniac who practically rear ended me and ran me off the road at 90 mph while blinking their high beams at me and changing lanes simultaneously. Sound confusing? Well, it was enough for me to dial up the State Police and let them know they'll likely be scraping some bodies off the highway before the night is over. I hope that this guy was drunk for the simple reason that anyone who drives like that normally should not only have their license revoked but be forbidden to go within 500 yards of a car, road, or fellow human being.
With statistics what they are, it surprises me how lightly people seem to take driving. We got 2 dead in the Midwest from e-coli tainted spinach and the country goes apeshit, recalls all the country's spinach, and practically declares spinach illegal, but we've got tens of thousands of people dying each year in fatal car crashes, no doubt many of them preventable, and people barely bat an eyelash, nor go about changing their driving habits. Cars are not inherently dangerous, but they become weapons when you get careless, disrespectful people at the wheel.
Yes, I have road rage. It's more internal and I don't act upon it. I tend to just get angry and the words that come out of my mouth would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush. I just get frustrated because when I'm driving, I keep a basic idea of what/who is around me and have respect for fellow drivers, even the ones who plainly don't deserve it, namely those who subject to me to bumper sticker wisdom such as, "it's a child, not a choice" and "have you hugged a tree today?"
Likewise, I'm not a fan of decals, namely the famous one of Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes) urinating. It's overdone and not funny or clever. I'll admit, I have a decal of Charlie Brown taking a shit on Lucy's chest, but I keep it off my car. I know where to draw the line.
Joking aside….
Yes, I have been in a car accident, but I have never caused one. I have gotten a speeding ticket in the past and do believe that 80 mph is a nice safe speed for the highways. Am I an example of a perfect driver? No. I speed on back roads, and if no cars are around, I will make rolling stops at stop signs, rather than complete stops. Yes, I'm a bad boy. Mothers, hide your daughters away. I might just take them out for a wild night of turning without signaling and passing on the right hand side.
I've come a long way since that blustery December day in 1996 when I took my driving test and was awarded my license. Not many know this, but I came close to failing. You know why? Because after the driving portion of the test, when I parked, I neglected to turn the lights off. Yes, 2 p.m. in the afternoon and I had no idea that the lights were even on. And for this the old bastard almost failed me. On a related note, I still remember the words that my Drivers Ed teacher said one day. He asked us to look around the class and said simply, "At least one of you will be killed in a car accident within six months." Ironically, he died of a heart attack not long afterwards.
Now there are certain road hazards and that I cannot pretend to be above. Yes, I do have a hands free set for my cell phone. It's in my glove compartment, where it's been since Christmas of last year when my mother gave it to me. That being said, I also don't have long conversations on the phone in the car. I keep the conversations functional ("you want me to pick up some milk?"), not recreational, ("Oh. My. God. You'll never guess who I saw at the mall?! Jessica! Yeah, right? Seriously. She got so fat since prom"). I will agree that talking on the cell phone in the car is distracting, and I confess to not being at my peak driving ability while on it. And this topic of distraction also covers putting on make-up, shaving, and "road head."
Also, I cannot understand why traffic backs up for miles when there is an accident...on the other side of the road? Can't people rubberneck at 60 mph? I understand that a bitchin' car wreck can totally make the commute to work better, and I appreciate the sight of mangled metal just as much as the next guy, but still...keep it moving!
And it boggles my mind that you have thousands of fully functional human beings capable of dressing themselves and going to the bathroom without the assistance of licensed care professional, yet these same people cannot figure out how to successfully merge into traffic from an on-ramp.
Not to sound like a Drivers Ed teacher, but the left lane, also known as the passing lane, or fast lane, is for…you guessed it: passing and driving fast. If you can't go at least the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Likewise, if I'm doing 80 in the fast lane, and you come up behind me doing 95 mph flashing your brights, do NOT expect me to change lanes, especially when doing so would put me behind a slower moving car that I'm attempting to pass. Basically, if you show me your high beams, I show you my brake lights. And if you show me your middle finger, I'll fuck your wife when you're not home. Don't test me.
Conversely, people who drive too slowly are equally as dangerous as those with lead feet. If you can't handle the speed limit, stay off the high way and take the back roads. And if you're slow due to being 90 years old and not being able to see above the steering wheel, then just stay home or have someone younger, perhaps the hot 75 year old down the hall, drive you around.
Next up, motorcycles. I have nothing against them, per se. But I do have a problem with these idiots on Suzuki "crotch rockets" who zip in between cars at a buck-ten, or perhaps when the rest of us in cars are in traffic, and think that because their vehicle can fit in between the other vehicles on the road, that somehow traffic laws don't apply to them. Listen dickheads, or "organ donors" as I've heard them referred to as, you're riding a bicycle with a motor on it and your vehicle has a kick stand. Grow up or stay off the road. And that hot chick on the back of your bike? Well, she'll dump your ass as soon as she meets a guy who rides a Harley. Just be prepared.
Also, the breakdown lane is for broken down vehicles (and emergency personnel) not assholes who don't want to sit in traffic. Next person who passes me in a breakdown lane while I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic will be getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy, meaning I will come into your house one night and knock all your teeth out with a sock full of quarters. Another thing that irks me is people who are in such a hurry that they creep up under the red light so that as soon as it turns green, they're off, leaving only a trail of exhaust behind and the rest of us thinking, "Wow, it must be so cool to have to be somewhere that badly. Perhaps dinner with a high ranking government official or maybe they're just late for their bikini wax." But the problem is, the assholes get so far under the light, that they can't see it anymore, so when it turns green, they're still sitting there holding up traffic while my blood pressure spikes and I lose about 7 minutes off of my life.
Lastly, you have these people who are forced to merge into another lane either to get off an exit, or because their lane is ending, and they wait until the last possibly minute to merge because, apparently, their parents raised them to believe that they're superior to everyone else and can't be bothered with waiting in line like the rest of us. Well if you're one of those people, I've got a secret to tell you: Come closer….closer….Ready?.... Your parents were WRONG! You ain't any better than me or the guy in that SUV back there. Don't expect my car to yield to you. I've been sitting in this lane for 10 minutes since about 1000 feet back that way, listening to some awful Top 40 song on the radio, going 5 miles per hour waiting to get off this exit ramp and you zoom along next to me and think that because you've got nowhere else to go, that I MUST let you in. Sorry, bub. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points at self) This guy! (Yes, I stole that from 'Scrubs.')
Basically, all I'm asking is that people show a little more respect for each other on the road. Acknowledge the fact that you're behind the wheel of a vehicle, which unlike those matchbox cars we played with as kids, can actually do damage to other cars. People die every day from careless mistakes of others. If you feel the need to drive 100 mph, then move the fuck to Germany. If you're more at pace w/ 50 mph on the highway, then take the nearest exit, catch the early bird special at Denny's and stick to back roads.
I've wanted to vent about the hazards of the road for a while now, but just never got around to it. Now seems like as good a time as any, seeing as I almost got killed Friday night by some fucking maniac who practically rear ended me and ran me off the road at 90 mph while blinking their high beams at me and changing lanes simultaneously. Sound confusing? Well, it was enough for me to dial up the State Police and let them know they'll likely be scraping some bodies off the highway before the night is over. I hope that this guy was drunk for the simple reason that anyone who drives like that normally should not only have their license revoked but be forbidden to go within 500 yards of a car, road, or fellow human being.
With statistics what they are, it surprises me how lightly people seem to take driving. We got 2 dead in the Midwest from e-coli tainted spinach and the country goes apeshit, recalls all the country's spinach, and practically declares spinach illegal, but we've got tens of thousands of people dying each year in fatal car crashes, no doubt many of them preventable, and people barely bat an eyelash, nor go about changing their driving habits. Cars are not inherently dangerous, but they become weapons when you get careless, disrespectful people at the wheel.
Yes, I have road rage. It's more internal and I don't act upon it. I tend to just get angry and the words that come out of my mouth would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush. I just get frustrated because when I'm driving, I keep a basic idea of what/who is around me and have respect for fellow drivers, even the ones who plainly don't deserve it, namely those who subject to me to bumper sticker wisdom such as, "it's a child, not a choice" and "have you hugged a tree today?"
Likewise, I'm not a fan of decals, namely the famous one of Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes) urinating. It's overdone and not funny or clever. I'll admit, I have a decal of Charlie Brown taking a shit on Lucy's chest, but I keep it off my car. I know where to draw the line.
Joking aside….
Yes, I have been in a car accident, but I have never caused one. I have gotten a speeding ticket in the past and do believe that 80 mph is a nice safe speed for the highways. Am I an example of a perfect driver? No. I speed on back roads, and if no cars are around, I will make rolling stops at stop signs, rather than complete stops. Yes, I'm a bad boy. Mothers, hide your daughters away. I might just take them out for a wild night of turning without signaling and passing on the right hand side.
I've come a long way since that blustery December day in 1996 when I took my driving test and was awarded my license. Not many know this, but I came close to failing. You know why? Because after the driving portion of the test, when I parked, I neglected to turn the lights off. Yes, 2 p.m. in the afternoon and I had no idea that the lights were even on. And for this the old bastard almost failed me. On a related note, I still remember the words that my Drivers Ed teacher said one day. He asked us to look around the class and said simply, "At least one of you will be killed in a car accident within six months." Ironically, he died of a heart attack not long afterwards.
Now there are certain road hazards and that I cannot pretend to be above. Yes, I do have a hands free set for my cell phone. It's in my glove compartment, where it's been since Christmas of last year when my mother gave it to me. That being said, I also don't have long conversations on the phone in the car. I keep the conversations functional ("you want me to pick up some milk?"), not recreational, ("Oh. My. God. You'll never guess who I saw at the mall?! Jessica! Yeah, right? Seriously. She got so fat since prom"). I will agree that talking on the cell phone in the car is distracting, and I confess to not being at my peak driving ability while on it. And this topic of distraction also covers putting on make-up, shaving, and "road head."
Also, I cannot understand why traffic backs up for miles when there is an accident...on the other side of the road? Can't people rubberneck at 60 mph? I understand that a bitchin' car wreck can totally make the commute to work better, and I appreciate the sight of mangled metal just as much as the next guy, but still...keep it moving!
And it boggles my mind that you have thousands of fully functional human beings capable of dressing themselves and going to the bathroom without the assistance of licensed care professional, yet these same people cannot figure out how to successfully merge into traffic from an on-ramp.
Not to sound like a Drivers Ed teacher, but the left lane, also known as the passing lane, or fast lane, is for…you guessed it: passing and driving fast. If you can't go at least the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Likewise, if I'm doing 80 in the fast lane, and you come up behind me doing 95 mph flashing your brights, do NOT expect me to change lanes, especially when doing so would put me behind a slower moving car that I'm attempting to pass. Basically, if you show me your high beams, I show you my brake lights. And if you show me your middle finger, I'll fuck your wife when you're not home. Don't test me.
Conversely, people who drive too slowly are equally as dangerous as those with lead feet. If you can't handle the speed limit, stay off the high way and take the back roads. And if you're slow due to being 90 years old and not being able to see above the steering wheel, then just stay home or have someone younger, perhaps the hot 75 year old down the hall, drive you around.
Next up, motorcycles. I have nothing against them, per se. But I do have a problem with these idiots on Suzuki "crotch rockets" who zip in between cars at a buck-ten, or perhaps when the rest of us in cars are in traffic, and think that because their vehicle can fit in between the other vehicles on the road, that somehow traffic laws don't apply to them. Listen dickheads, or "organ donors" as I've heard them referred to as, you're riding a bicycle with a motor on it and your vehicle has a kick stand. Grow up or stay off the road. And that hot chick on the back of your bike? Well, she'll dump your ass as soon as she meets a guy who rides a Harley. Just be prepared.
Also, the breakdown lane is for broken down vehicles (and emergency personnel) not assholes who don't want to sit in traffic. Next person who passes me in a breakdown lane while I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic will be getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy, meaning I will come into your house one night and knock all your teeth out with a sock full of quarters. Another thing that irks me is people who are in such a hurry that they creep up under the red light so that as soon as it turns green, they're off, leaving only a trail of exhaust behind and the rest of us thinking, "Wow, it must be so cool to have to be somewhere that badly. Perhaps dinner with a high ranking government official or maybe they're just late for their bikini wax." But the problem is, the assholes get so far under the light, that they can't see it anymore, so when it turns green, they're still sitting there holding up traffic while my blood pressure spikes and I lose about 7 minutes off of my life.
Lastly, you have these people who are forced to merge into another lane either to get off an exit, or because their lane is ending, and they wait until the last possibly minute to merge because, apparently, their parents raised them to believe that they're superior to everyone else and can't be bothered with waiting in line like the rest of us. Well if you're one of those people, I've got a secret to tell you: Come closer….closer….Ready?.... Your parents were WRONG! You ain't any better than me or the guy in that SUV back there. Don't expect my car to yield to you. I've been sitting in this lane for 10 minutes since about 1000 feet back that way, listening to some awful Top 40 song on the radio, going 5 miles per hour waiting to get off this exit ramp and you zoom along next to me and think that because you've got nowhere else to go, that I MUST let you in. Sorry, bub. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points at self) This guy! (Yes, I stole that from 'Scrubs.')
Basically, all I'm asking is that people show a little more respect for each other on the road. Acknowledge the fact that you're behind the wheel of a vehicle, which unlike those matchbox cars we played with as kids, can actually do damage to other cars. People die every day from careless mistakes of others. If you feel the need to drive 100 mph, then move the fuck to Germany. If you're more at pace w/ 50 mph on the highway, then take the nearest exit, catch the early bird special at Denny's and stick to back roads.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Am I (Still) the Only One?
Am I the only one who loves movie previews? I remember as a youngster having to sit through what seemed like endless previews in order to watch Oliver and Company or the Land Before time. I hated previews, so much so that in cutest bright-eyed 8 year old boy voice, I would look up at my loving father, who was holding my popcorn and Id ask (God, this is so cute), "Daddy, when is the fucking movie gonna start?" He would smile that loving fatherly smile, muss with my hair, and say, "Son, shut the fuck up and eat your Sno-caps." And that, my friends, is the best advice anyone has ever given me.
It is only within the past few years that I've really come to appreciate a well crafted movie trailer. It can illicit from moviegoers the same emotions that the movie itself is expected to: anticipation, suspense, tears, laughter, and thrills. Its only genuine movie magic that can make me turn to my buddy next to me and exclaim, "Wow, that new Wayans brothers movie looks great!" Just kidding. There’s a difference between magic and miracles.
They should make an entire movie out of just previews. And I don’t mean Ebert and Roper. No commentators, no thumbs up, down, side wise, diagonally. Sit on those thumbs, bub. Just gimme more previews.
What’s the best part of the movie trailers? The narrator’s voice! That deep, gravely and totally unmistakable, and somewhat eerie voice. If I had that voice, I'd narrate everything! Everyday life would be so much more profound. For example, in the middle of a dinner date, I'd reach out, grab my dates hand, and say, “One man...on a mission.... to conquer the odds ....struggling to find the girl of his dreams.....and get her to take her clothes off..... Coming soon to a bedroom near you: My Naked White Ass. Rated R for Ridiculousness."
Conversely, am I the only one who hates commercials at the movies? Last weekend, they had a commercial for KY personal lubricant before the movie. What the hell am I suppose do with this information? I'm trying to watch the movie but can’t get the phrase "warms on contact” outta my head!
Am I the only one who hates being asked to give money to charity at the supermarket? I'm not talking about the Salvation Army at Christmas time. I mean as I’m at the register. I've just spent $100 on Diet Pepsi, Cottage Doubles and Skippy Peanut butter, when they come out with "Would you like to donate a dollar to help kids fight cancer?" Ah, damn! You can't say no without feeling like a total asshole. But I think I’ve come up with the perfect response: "Sure! Why don’t you gimme the name and address of a kid with cancer and I'll go to their house and take them out for ice cream." It's much more personal and would really raise the spirits of the kids. I guarantee you they will not break out the phone book. Just shows you that these companies aren't as dedicated to fighting cancer as they want you to think.
Hey, speaking of kids.....
Am I the only one thinks Anne Geddes is out of her mind? She's the lady who photographs babies enveloped in flower petals, in baskets, and other creepy shit. And what's worse is that the babies all look dead. People are so worried about pedophiles on the internet and hangin around schoolyards, but no one seems to be concerned about her. This woman is seriously disturbed and needs to be stopped. No one, not anybody, should have such a sick fascination with children.
On a related note, am I the only one who finds these baby dolls that look like real babies to be the creepiest fucking things ever? Again, you buy materials to make bombs and the Feds tag you as a terrorist, but if you buy one of these freaky ass dolls, no one bats an eye. I think these people need to be watched a bit closer.
The same with every college girl who has posters of little half naked boys and girls kissing. The RIAA was cracking down on every college kid who downloaded a Backstreet Boys song, but no one was alerted to the fact that many of these same people have soft-core child pornography hanging on their walls! What is the attraction?! I like my porn the old fashioned way; 2 girls, a horse, and a midget. God Bless!
Am I the only one who both hates & loves Sonic? I'm not sure if I hate them because they take up my valuable time advertising their wares on TV here and there isn’t a sonic with 400 miles. Or maybe I love them because over the years they've etched permanent space in my brain, now known as my medulla oblon-Sonic. Is it faulty marketing? Or perhaps genius? I haven’t figured that part out yet.
It is only within the past few years that I've really come to appreciate a well crafted movie trailer. It can illicit from moviegoers the same emotions that the movie itself is expected to: anticipation, suspense, tears, laughter, and thrills. Its only genuine movie magic that can make me turn to my buddy next to me and exclaim, "Wow, that new Wayans brothers movie looks great!" Just kidding. There’s a difference between magic and miracles.
They should make an entire movie out of just previews. And I don’t mean Ebert and Roper. No commentators, no thumbs up, down, side wise, diagonally. Sit on those thumbs, bub. Just gimme more previews.
What’s the best part of the movie trailers? The narrator’s voice! That deep, gravely and totally unmistakable, and somewhat eerie voice. If I had that voice, I'd narrate everything! Everyday life would be so much more profound. For example, in the middle of a dinner date, I'd reach out, grab my dates hand, and say, “One man...on a mission.... to conquer the odds ....struggling to find the girl of his dreams.....and get her to take her clothes off..... Coming soon to a bedroom near you: My Naked White Ass. Rated R for Ridiculousness."
Conversely, am I the only one who hates commercials at the movies? Last weekend, they had a commercial for KY personal lubricant before the movie. What the hell am I suppose do with this information? I'm trying to watch the movie but can’t get the phrase "warms on contact” outta my head!
Am I the only one who hates being asked to give money to charity at the supermarket? I'm not talking about the Salvation Army at Christmas time. I mean as I’m at the register. I've just spent $100 on Diet Pepsi, Cottage Doubles and Skippy Peanut butter, when they come out with "Would you like to donate a dollar to help kids fight cancer?" Ah, damn! You can't say no without feeling like a total asshole. But I think I’ve come up with the perfect response: "Sure! Why don’t you gimme the name and address of a kid with cancer and I'll go to their house and take them out for ice cream." It's much more personal and would really raise the spirits of the kids. I guarantee you they will not break out the phone book. Just shows you that these companies aren't as dedicated to fighting cancer as they want you to think.
Hey, speaking of kids.....
Am I the only one thinks Anne Geddes is out of her mind? She's the lady who photographs babies enveloped in flower petals, in baskets, and other creepy shit. And what's worse is that the babies all look dead. People are so worried about pedophiles on the internet and hangin around schoolyards, but no one seems to be concerned about her. This woman is seriously disturbed and needs to be stopped. No one, not anybody, should have such a sick fascination with children.
On a related note, am I the only one who finds these baby dolls that look like real babies to be the creepiest fucking things ever? Again, you buy materials to make bombs and the Feds tag you as a terrorist, but if you buy one of these freaky ass dolls, no one bats an eye. I think these people need to be watched a bit closer.
The same with every college girl who has posters of little half naked boys and girls kissing. The RIAA was cracking down on every college kid who downloaded a Backstreet Boys song, but no one was alerted to the fact that many of these same people have soft-core child pornography hanging on their walls! What is the attraction?! I like my porn the old fashioned way; 2 girls, a horse, and a midget. God Bless!
Am I the only one who both hates & loves Sonic? I'm not sure if I hate them because they take up my valuable time advertising their wares on TV here and there isn’t a sonic with 400 miles. Or maybe I love them because over the years they've etched permanent space in my brain, now known as my medulla oblon-Sonic. Is it faulty marketing? Or perhaps genius? I haven’t figured that part out yet.
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