Am I the only one sick of music reviews, critics, and most of all, fans who think they're critics? Seriously, log onto amazon.com sometime and read through user reviews. Every fucking music review should just read "(insert band)'s latest release is not as good as their last one." It's not even worth reading them anymore. Go online to I-tunes or Amazon.com and listen to music clips. Make up your own mind. It pays off. Listening to a bunch of tweenagers complain that My Chemical Romance's latest release just doesn't speak to their generation like the last album did is enough to make one sterile. Seriously, if I read the words "overproduced" and "sell out" one more time, I'm going puncture my ear drums with a screwdriver. To all bands: you cannot please your fans. Stop trying. Make music for yourselves and yourselves only. In fact, you're probably better off putting out a debut album, getting great reviews (nothing to compare it to of course) and then breaking up and reforming under a new name. Blame the fans for it, too, just to make them feel bad.
Am I the only who doesn't give a shit who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is? I'll admit I was once curious, but no more. I know that I'm not the father, and that's good enough for me. The only possible way to get me care about this is if it turns out her son was the baby's father. But, I don't think we'll be that lucky.
Am I the only one sick of reading about kids having sex? I don't care if it's with each other, or with teachers, animals, or trees. It's just getting obnoxious. I'm sick of reading about awkward pre-pubescent sex romps in our nation's schools. Though I suppose if they're old enough to do drugs and kill each other, then sex is probably the least harmful thing they could be doing; but only after they finish their geometry homework. I really hope their parents are firm on that rule. Regardless, I don't need to hear about it. I'm only concerned with the sex lives of two individuals: myself and my girlfriend. Can you see why I wouldn't make a good catholic? Ok, Ok, I'll stop. No more religion jokes today.
Am I the only one who is more than a little disturbed by people who admit to being bad drivers? Not to sound like a sexist, but I've heard this from a lot of girls. They think it's just hilarious that they are totally frightened to drive on the highway and that merging just about causes them to void their bowels. Yes, we get it. You need a big strong man to drive you home from work. Enough of that rubbish. You wanted your driver's license, so act like a responsible adult. There's nothing funny about poor driving.
Am I the only one who doesn't care about Oprah's book club? Seriously, the woman's busy. Between opening up all these schools, her TV show, her magazine, and her line of sex toys, her construction company, and her zoo for black orphans, do you think Oprah actually reads these books? I don't. I'm willing to bet someone on her staff writes up recommendations for Oprah to read aloud and pretend that she actually has read the book. Maybe she even has the author on to talk about the book. Who knows? I've never watched her TV show. All I know is that Oprah's Underpaid Staff's Book Club doesn't quite sound as exciting to those diligently waiting for directions. Some of you might disagree. Possibly Oprah does read the books herself. So what? Seriously, go to a library. They have plenty of books, many of which I'm sure are better than anything Oprah or her staff can come up with. Don't be afraid to think for yourself. It might be a little scary at first, but it's quite rewarding.
AM I the only one psyched that it's baseball season? Fuck yeah! Go Red Sox!
Am I the only one annoyed by rolling briefcases/bags? Seriously, when did this start? Why does everyone at work look like they're on their way to the airport? If you're just going to go upstairs and sit all day long at a computer (like me), it wouldn't kill you to exert your body a bit. And never mind the fact that anyone walking behind one of these jetsetters can't get by them without practically tripping over these stupid bags. Seriously, folks, a 10 lb laptop computer and a half-frozen Lean Cuisine do not necessitate rolling luggage.
I know I said no more religion jokes but….
Am I the only the one who wonders why we have no chocolate Jesus' on Easter? Seriously, Jesus, bunnies, eggs and chocolate are the big Easter icons. We have chocolate bunnies and chocolate eggs. Why no chocolate Jesus'? Perhaps nailed to a delicious wafer cross? A peanut butter filled Jesus would be delicious. I got it: Reese's Jesus. The marketing pretty much writes itself.
On that note, Happy Easter!!
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Too Much Information (About Me)
Hey all,
Like most guys, I think it'd be cool to have a son. Sometimes I think about being a father, how I want to raise my kids and the experiences I want them have. While chatting with my girlfriend the other day, I began detailing to her how the internet is ruining an important rite of passage for growing boys; the joy discovering the beauty of naked women courtesy of Playboy & Penthouse magazines.
When I was a youth, a few of my friends had fathers with Playboy magazines hidden in their closets or under their beds. My friends and I would sneak into their rooms and peek at the magazines, sometimes only pulling up the lower or upper edges of the page with hopes of catching a glimpse of bare flesh and fears of getting caught doing so. I remember one day my friend snuck a Playboy into the woods. I was in awe. The covers of the magazines were sexy and provocative and photos inside were like nothing I'd ever seen before. There was something forbidden and alluring about viewing those pictures. It was a time before I'd ever really thought about sex and never imagined anything beyond kissing a girl.
Sadly, with the advent of the internet, and the ease in which pornography can be accessed, it's just not the same anymore. I do not want my child to discover pornography searching the internet for information on the 'beaver' for his 3rd grade science report. I do not want my future son to discover the beauty of the female body via some triple-x website. Conversing with my child about the naked female form should be a time for father and son to bond, and a moment without the awkwardness of having to explain what a gang bang is. Pornographic websites are about getting off, plain and simple. As a young kid, that was not the object of the looking at the nude women on the glossy magazine pages. It was about curiosity and discovery, not sexual gratification. That's an innocence that, once it is gone, cannot be recaptured. Then again, sex fucking rocks, so no complaints here.
Too Much Information!!
I don't usually talk about my personal life too much in my blogs. Sure, I'll rant and rave about current events and hot button issues, which obviously give a glimpse into the way my mind works (scary, huh?), but you probably won't glean much about my personal life from my blogging. I've decided to change that with this week's blog. Rather than fill out some lame MySpace survey about my current crush or my favorite flavor of ice cream, I've decided simply to jot down 17 random things about me in a feature I'm calling…"17 Random Things About Me." Why 17? Simple. I was born on the seventeenth day of November. That's a free-bee. That doesn't count as one of my random things. Some of these things may come as a surprise, while others may not. Happy reading!
17 Random Things About Me
1. I do not drink alcohol or do drugs. I've had a few clove cigarettes with friends, but nothing otherwise. I'm not trying position myself on any moral high ground. These are the choices I have made and I'm proud of them, though I understand that they're not for everyone.
2. I have a rare liver disorder called Biliary Atresia. It basically means 'the partial or total absence' of bile ducts. I was a jaundiced (yellow) baby, but was very happy and always smiling. When I was six weeks old, I had surgery in which they repaired my bile ducts using my small intestine. It left me with a chance to live and a cool scar! And yes, this directly relates to #1.
3. My favorite ethnic food is sushi. At lunch the other day, my portion of the bill alone was almost $50. This is one area in which I have very little self control. If I won lotto, I would hire a full time on-call sushi chef.
4. I love Three's Company. I own the entire series on DVD. Yes, you can predict most of the jokes and yes, they're often cheesy. But none of that matters when I'm watching John Ritter's hilarious physical comedy and zany antics. Two dates one on night, Jack? Why don't you pawn one girl off on Larry? She thinks you are Larry? Only Jack Tripper…
5. When I was in fourth grade, I won $100 at school for selling the most candy bars for our fundraiser. I spent my winnings on G.I. Joe figures and accessories.
6. I love 80's metal. I grew up hangin' out with guys who were four and five years older than me and they introduced me to the wonderful world of rock n' roll and heavy metal. There will always be a place in my heart for Josh, Chuck, Brett, Ricky, Derek, Matt and the rest of the gang from Woodbury Circle. I remember countless Saturday nights with the radio tuned to WCCC's 'Pirate Radio' program, which broadcasted all the new tunes from bands like Poison, Ratt, Slaughter, Iron Maiden, Guns N' Roses, Enuff Z' Nuff, Warrant, Faster Pussycat, Skid Row, White Lion, Motley Crue, Great White, Whitesnake, Cinderella, Metallica, Megadeth, WASP, Anthrax and tons of others. Then, back when MTV actually gave a shit about music enough to play it, there was Headbanger's Ball, which captivated to me to no end and brought another dimension to my love of all things rock n' roll. Funny enough, of that group of guys, I'm probably the only one who hasn't ditched the hair metal for hip hop. Throw your devil horns in the air and wave 'em like ya just don't care!
7. My favorite comedian is George Carlin. I've seen him perform four times so far, including just a couple of weeks ago in New York. I admire the way he looks at the world. He's a bit cynical, a bit pessimistic, yet there's some optimism there if you look hard enough. He's not afraid to say what's on his mind and he's got a unique way of seeing through the bullshit that I find so incredibly refreshing. He makes me laugh out loud, yet he's so smart and thought provoking.
8. My first rock concert was Live w/ P.J. Harvey and Veruca Salt at the Meadows Music Theater (now known as Dodge Center) in Hartford, CT in 1995.
9. I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that I've seen Tori Amos in concert four times. My high school girlfriend was a huge fan and got me hooked. I scored front row center seats in 1995.
10. My high school rock band, Radium Therapy, performed its first headlining show on May 12, 1995 at the HK Coffeehouse in Haddam. I was 14! We played a two hour set for friends and family.
11. One of my biggest fears has always been tornadoes. A weather condition that can pick up cars and hurl them through the air into the sides of houses? Pass.
12. I once ate an entire foot long steak n' cheese sub immediately after devouring an entire foot long bologna sub from Subway. That's two feet of sandwich in under an hour. And you know what? I was still kinda hungry.
13. I used to have long hair down to my shoulders. I usually kept it pulled back in a ponytail and as far as I know there are only two (2) pictures in existence of me wearing it down, though I can't seem to locate either of them. I cut my hair short on Feb. 9, 2000.
14. I started playing guitar at about age 9 (5th grade) and began playing the bass guitar in 6th grade. I've been involved music and bands ever since. In 2006, my acoustic group, Championship Vinyl, released our first CD, which is on sale now. I also recorded a solo CD in 2006, which I will gladly send in mp3 format to anyone who wants it.
15. I've always been a bit behind where technology is concerned. I didn't have internet or use email until I was in college. I didn't own a cell phone until after I had graduated college.
16. Two of my biggest pet peeves involve the shower. The first is when a person uses the shower and then turns the shower off by turning only the water off, and not the shower function. So when I go to shower, before I can adjust the water to a temperature of my liking, I'm hit with what is usually very cold water. The second pet peeve of mine is when a person uses the shower before me and doesn't towel off before stepping onto the bathmat and leaves it soaking wet. These people are, in my book, monsters.
17. I have always wanted to live in a warmer climate. By the end of 2007, I hope to relocate to Miami, Florida
Like most guys, I think it'd be cool to have a son. Sometimes I think about being a father, how I want to raise my kids and the experiences I want them have. While chatting with my girlfriend the other day, I began detailing to her how the internet is ruining an important rite of passage for growing boys; the joy discovering the beauty of naked women courtesy of Playboy & Penthouse magazines.
When I was a youth, a few of my friends had fathers with Playboy magazines hidden in their closets or under their beds. My friends and I would sneak into their rooms and peek at the magazines, sometimes only pulling up the lower or upper edges of the page with hopes of catching a glimpse of bare flesh and fears of getting caught doing so. I remember one day my friend snuck a Playboy into the woods. I was in awe. The covers of the magazines were sexy and provocative and photos inside were like nothing I'd ever seen before. There was something forbidden and alluring about viewing those pictures. It was a time before I'd ever really thought about sex and never imagined anything beyond kissing a girl.
Sadly, with the advent of the internet, and the ease in which pornography can be accessed, it's just not the same anymore. I do not want my child to discover pornography searching the internet for information on the 'beaver' for his 3rd grade science report. I do not want my future son to discover the beauty of the female body via some triple-x website. Conversing with my child about the naked female form should be a time for father and son to bond, and a moment without the awkwardness of having to explain what a gang bang is. Pornographic websites are about getting off, plain and simple. As a young kid, that was not the object of the looking at the nude women on the glossy magazine pages. It was about curiosity and discovery, not sexual gratification. That's an innocence that, once it is gone, cannot be recaptured. Then again, sex fucking rocks, so no complaints here.
Too Much Information!!
I don't usually talk about my personal life too much in my blogs. Sure, I'll rant and rave about current events and hot button issues, which obviously give a glimpse into the way my mind works (scary, huh?), but you probably won't glean much about my personal life from my blogging. I've decided to change that with this week's blog. Rather than fill out some lame MySpace survey about my current crush or my favorite flavor of ice cream, I've decided simply to jot down 17 random things about me in a feature I'm calling…"17 Random Things About Me." Why 17? Simple. I was born on the seventeenth day of November. That's a free-bee. That doesn't count as one of my random things. Some of these things may come as a surprise, while others may not. Happy reading!
17 Random Things About Me
1. I do not drink alcohol or do drugs. I've had a few clove cigarettes with friends, but nothing otherwise. I'm not trying position myself on any moral high ground. These are the choices I have made and I'm proud of them, though I understand that they're not for everyone.
2. I have a rare liver disorder called Biliary Atresia. It basically means 'the partial or total absence' of bile ducts. I was a jaundiced (yellow) baby, but was very happy and always smiling. When I was six weeks old, I had surgery in which they repaired my bile ducts using my small intestine. It left me with a chance to live and a cool scar! And yes, this directly relates to #1.
3. My favorite ethnic food is sushi. At lunch the other day, my portion of the bill alone was almost $50. This is one area in which I have very little self control. If I won lotto, I would hire a full time on-call sushi chef.
4. I love Three's Company. I own the entire series on DVD. Yes, you can predict most of the jokes and yes, they're often cheesy. But none of that matters when I'm watching John Ritter's hilarious physical comedy and zany antics. Two dates one on night, Jack? Why don't you pawn one girl off on Larry? She thinks you are Larry? Only Jack Tripper…
5. When I was in fourth grade, I won $100 at school for selling the most candy bars for our fundraiser. I spent my winnings on G.I. Joe figures and accessories.
6. I love 80's metal. I grew up hangin' out with guys who were four and five years older than me and they introduced me to the wonderful world of rock n' roll and heavy metal. There will always be a place in my heart for Josh, Chuck, Brett, Ricky, Derek, Matt and the rest of the gang from Woodbury Circle. I remember countless Saturday nights with the radio tuned to WCCC's 'Pirate Radio' program, which broadcasted all the new tunes from bands like Poison, Ratt, Slaughter, Iron Maiden, Guns N' Roses, Enuff Z' Nuff, Warrant, Faster Pussycat, Skid Row, White Lion, Motley Crue, Great White, Whitesnake, Cinderella, Metallica, Megadeth, WASP, Anthrax and tons of others. Then, back when MTV actually gave a shit about music enough to play it, there was Headbanger's Ball, which captivated to me to no end and brought another dimension to my love of all things rock n' roll. Funny enough, of that group of guys, I'm probably the only one who hasn't ditched the hair metal for hip hop. Throw your devil horns in the air and wave 'em like ya just don't care!
7. My favorite comedian is George Carlin. I've seen him perform four times so far, including just a couple of weeks ago in New York. I admire the way he looks at the world. He's a bit cynical, a bit pessimistic, yet there's some optimism there if you look hard enough. He's not afraid to say what's on his mind and he's got a unique way of seeing through the bullshit that I find so incredibly refreshing. He makes me laugh out loud, yet he's so smart and thought provoking.
8. My first rock concert was Live w/ P.J. Harvey and Veruca Salt at the Meadows Music Theater (now known as Dodge Center) in Hartford, CT in 1995.
9. I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that I've seen Tori Amos in concert four times. My high school girlfriend was a huge fan and got me hooked. I scored front row center seats in 1995.
10. My high school rock band, Radium Therapy, performed its first headlining show on May 12, 1995 at the HK Coffeehouse in Haddam. I was 14! We played a two hour set for friends and family.
11. One of my biggest fears has always been tornadoes. A weather condition that can pick up cars and hurl them through the air into the sides of houses? Pass.
12. I once ate an entire foot long steak n' cheese sub immediately after devouring an entire foot long bologna sub from Subway. That's two feet of sandwich in under an hour. And you know what? I was still kinda hungry.
13. I used to have long hair down to my shoulders. I usually kept it pulled back in a ponytail and as far as I know there are only two (2) pictures in existence of me wearing it down, though I can't seem to locate either of them. I cut my hair short on Feb. 9, 2000.
14. I started playing guitar at about age 9 (5th grade) and began playing the bass guitar in 6th grade. I've been involved music and bands ever since. In 2006, my acoustic group, Championship Vinyl, released our first CD, which is on sale now. I also recorded a solo CD in 2006, which I will gladly send in mp3 format to anyone who wants it.
15. I've always been a bit behind where technology is concerned. I didn't have internet or use email until I was in college. I didn't own a cell phone until after I had graduated college.
16. Two of my biggest pet peeves involve the shower. The first is when a person uses the shower and then turns the shower off by turning only the water off, and not the shower function. So when I go to shower, before I can adjust the water to a temperature of my liking, I'm hit with what is usually very cold water. The second pet peeve of mine is when a person uses the shower before me and doesn't towel off before stepping onto the bathmat and leaves it soaking wet. These people are, in my book, monsters.
17. I have always wanted to live in a warmer climate. By the end of 2007, I hope to relocate to Miami, Florida
Sunday, March 11, 2007
D & G
That's a rape!
Fashion duo Dolce and Gabbana pulled an advertising campaign that depicted a woman lying on the ground with one man arched over her, holding her wrist, as a few other men looked on. While D & G called it an 'erotic dream', critics dubbed this a 'fantasy' rape. Rape. Wow. Now, I realize that there are groups whose jobs it is to be offended by everything, but don't you think you're trivializing rape here? I mean, rape is a horrible and violent act perpetrated on both men and women. I can't help but feel like the emotional impact of the word might be lost a bit if someone calls rape every time a guy exerts, or appears to exert, any kind of power (physical or otherwise) over a woman in an advertisement.
On a personal note, I've heard numerous women say that they like a guy who isn't afraid to take charge and go after what he wants in the bedroom. I don't recall any of those women saying they want to be raped. Despite what National Organization for Women might want you to think, there's a big difference. So let's stop using "rape" as a buzzword to satisfy personal agendas and save it for when it actually means something.
Here's the link to the article for anyone who wants to read an interview with D & G.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17490782/site/newsweek/page/1/
Rings a Bell!
This kind of thing gets me thinking back to my graduate student days. During college, I took a couple courses that basically consisted of sitting around, looking at ads, and trying to find ways in which they demeaned women in order to have some debate. And guess what? If you try really hard and take your mind to ridiculous realms of thought, you can pretty much say that any ad that even features a female is offensive. Hint: the girl who used the word 'patriarchal' in the first class of the semester was a sure sign that things were gonna get interesting.
And they did. One class, she comes out with the idea that diamond rings are "rings of oppression." She explained that in the long long ago, men would tie their women up to symbolize that the women were like property. Fast-forward many moons, and now diamond rings are a remaining symbol of a man's ownership over a woman. While I agree that the former is possible, the latter is just pure bullshit. Always the one to try and stir things up, I asked, "So when your boyfriend proposes with a ring, you won't accept it?" She shot back with, "I'm going to marry a musician so he won't be able to afford one," which is a total cop-out response and a thinly veiled attempt not to make a hypocritical ass out of herself.
Try This At Home!
This is for the men. When it comes time to take that next step in your relationship, instead of buying your girlfriend an engagement ring, use the money for a down payment on a house, or perhaps start a savings account for your future child. Explain the reasoning behind not adorning her finger with a diamond. Then see if you can count to ten before she dumps you.
Or better yet, if you're already married, steal your wife's ring and pawn it for cash. Then use that cash to buy something less oppressive, like a flat screen plasma TV or a Playstation 3. Explain it's for the greater good of her gender. I'm willing to bet she says something like, "What stupid cunt told you that?"
Oops!
Oh, and by the way, men wear wedding rings, too. Ms. Feminist never accounted for that simple, yet vital, fact. Who's oppressing whom? Fucking idiot.
What's a timing belt?
Most of the debate of women's depictions in advertisements center on gender roles and stereotypes. These issues are not limited to the media. Speaking from my experiences, it seems as if certain women appreciate gender stereotypes, but only when not applied to them. For example, a girl expecting me to open the car door or pay for everything on a date is supposedly less sexist than me expecting her to be able to cook or sew. Women want men to have the best of both masculine and feminine traits, but expecting women to have some of those same feminine qualities is somehow sexist and wrong. Some may have the opinion that a guy is less of a man in if he can't fix a car, which seems to be somewhat acceptable, yet if I were to imply that a certain female were any less of a woman because she couldn't cook, then suddenly I'm the asshole.
Come one people, let's get real. Our genders beget certain expectations. It's reality. It's the basis of attraction and of traditional gender roles, many of which are perfectly reasonable and not archaic in the least. It's the reason when I go out, I don't look for the chick with the mullet arm wrestling the bouncer for fun, nor do most girls look for the guy braiding his friend's hair in the corner booth. It's not always right, but it's not always wrong. I'm not into cars, but I don't get offended when an ad depicts an ultra muscular handsome guy as the driver/owner of Brand X car. Everyone benefits from gender stereotypes, yet we all lose out a little, too. There will always be gender roles that you'll fit, while others you may not. There are always gonna be expectations that you'll meet and exceed, while others will always be unrealistic. Most girls are not size zero supermodel types, but most guys don't have six pack abs and bulging biceps. While gender relations are not perfect, the playing field is more level than it's ever been. So let's just all shut the fuck up and enjoy each other for what we are: human beings.
Fashion duo Dolce and Gabbana pulled an advertising campaign that depicted a woman lying on the ground with one man arched over her, holding her wrist, as a few other men looked on. While D & G called it an 'erotic dream', critics dubbed this a 'fantasy' rape. Rape. Wow. Now, I realize that there are groups whose jobs it is to be offended by everything, but don't you think you're trivializing rape here? I mean, rape is a horrible and violent act perpetrated on both men and women. I can't help but feel like the emotional impact of the word might be lost a bit if someone calls rape every time a guy exerts, or appears to exert, any kind of power (physical or otherwise) over a woman in an advertisement.
On a personal note, I've heard numerous women say that they like a guy who isn't afraid to take charge and go after what he wants in the bedroom. I don't recall any of those women saying they want to be raped. Despite what National Organization for Women might want you to think, there's a big difference. So let's stop using "rape" as a buzzword to satisfy personal agendas and save it for when it actually means something.
Here's the link to the article for anyone who wants to read an interview with D & G.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17490782/site/newsweek/page/1/
Rings a Bell!
This kind of thing gets me thinking back to my graduate student days. During college, I took a couple courses that basically consisted of sitting around, looking at ads, and trying to find ways in which they demeaned women in order to have some debate. And guess what? If you try really hard and take your mind to ridiculous realms of thought, you can pretty much say that any ad that even features a female is offensive. Hint: the girl who used the word 'patriarchal' in the first class of the semester was a sure sign that things were gonna get interesting.
And they did. One class, she comes out with the idea that diamond rings are "rings of oppression." She explained that in the long long ago, men would tie their women up to symbolize that the women were like property. Fast-forward many moons, and now diamond rings are a remaining symbol of a man's ownership over a woman. While I agree that the former is possible, the latter is just pure bullshit. Always the one to try and stir things up, I asked, "So when your boyfriend proposes with a ring, you won't accept it?" She shot back with, "I'm going to marry a musician so he won't be able to afford one," which is a total cop-out response and a thinly veiled attempt not to make a hypocritical ass out of herself.
Try This At Home!
This is for the men. When it comes time to take that next step in your relationship, instead of buying your girlfriend an engagement ring, use the money for a down payment on a house, or perhaps start a savings account for your future child. Explain the reasoning behind not adorning her finger with a diamond. Then see if you can count to ten before she dumps you.
Or better yet, if you're already married, steal your wife's ring and pawn it for cash. Then use that cash to buy something less oppressive, like a flat screen plasma TV or a Playstation 3. Explain it's for the greater good of her gender. I'm willing to bet she says something like, "What stupid cunt told you that?"
Oops!
Oh, and by the way, men wear wedding rings, too. Ms. Feminist never accounted for that simple, yet vital, fact. Who's oppressing whom? Fucking idiot.
What's a timing belt?
Most of the debate of women's depictions in advertisements center on gender roles and stereotypes. These issues are not limited to the media. Speaking from my experiences, it seems as if certain women appreciate gender stereotypes, but only when not applied to them. For example, a girl expecting me to open the car door or pay for everything on a date is supposedly less sexist than me expecting her to be able to cook or sew. Women want men to have the best of both masculine and feminine traits, but expecting women to have some of those same feminine qualities is somehow sexist and wrong. Some may have the opinion that a guy is less of a man in if he can't fix a car, which seems to be somewhat acceptable, yet if I were to imply that a certain female were any less of a woman because she couldn't cook, then suddenly I'm the asshole.
Come one people, let's get real. Our genders beget certain expectations. It's reality. It's the basis of attraction and of traditional gender roles, many of which are perfectly reasonable and not archaic in the least. It's the reason when I go out, I don't look for the chick with the mullet arm wrestling the bouncer for fun, nor do most girls look for the guy braiding his friend's hair in the corner booth. It's not always right, but it's not always wrong. I'm not into cars, but I don't get offended when an ad depicts an ultra muscular handsome guy as the driver/owner of Brand X car. Everyone benefits from gender stereotypes, yet we all lose out a little, too. There will always be gender roles that you'll fit, while others you may not. There are always gonna be expectations that you'll meet and exceed, while others will always be unrealistic. Most girls are not size zero supermodel types, but most guys don't have six pack abs and bulging biceps. While gender relations are not perfect, the playing field is more level than it's ever been. So let's just all shut the fuck up and enjoy each other for what we are: human beings.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Anna, We Hardly Knew Ye...
Hey All!
I recently moved into a new apartment and have come to find out that my neighbor (who shall remain nameless due to the fact that I don't know his name) has night terrors. How do I know this? About a week after I moved in, I began hearing moaning sounds. Naturally, at first, I thought he was having sex. Good for him! As long as he keeps the noise down and I can still hear the snappy dialogue of Ass Goblins III; we can't all have girlfriends who live in state.
Anyway, after a few nights of this, I noticed that there were no other voices, female or otherwise, nor any of your usual sex talk ('Ooh, that feels good,' 'take it all', 'oops. Wrong hole!'). Now, you may wonder 'was he simply taking matters into his own hands?' I thought about that, but don't believe self gratification to be the case. Then, the other night, the moaning began around 10pm and lasted well past 4am. I know this because I was periodically awakened by it. Some of it sounded like the usual exaggerated moans, but other times he sounded downright frightened. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that my neighbor has frequent nightmares. I am only sharing this with you because it's kind of interesting. And I really wanted to use the 'wrong hole' joke. Sweet dreams!
Partly cloudy with a chance of my foot in your ass!
I don't care much for weathermen. I'm not sure what they're like in other parts of the country, but here in the Northeast, especially this time of year, weathermen seem extremely arrogant and condescending to their public. I'll be watching the news on a mild winter day, like many we've had this year and the weatherman will say something like, "You think this mild weather's going to continue? Think again!" Why not add "asshole" at the end just to drive the point home? Truthfully, I don't like their tone. I don't like to feel like I'm being talked down to by someone who basically plays with a video game all day. Or when they pull this shit: "It's going to be a messy commute tomorrow morning. Tune in at 11 to find out just how messy." No, dickweed, tell me NOW. If I stay up past 11 pm, only to find out that I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow because I'll have to de-ice my car and my usual 20 minute commute is gonna be doubled, then, my friend, I've just fucked myself out of quite a lot of time. I look forward to the day that weather.com and the Internet put these putzes out of work. And what about weathermen who live in climates that are pretty much stable all year long? Like San Diego. How must it feel to know your job can be replaced by a window?
No woman, No Cry
In Tennessee, a man busted into his neighbor's apartment armed with a sword after hearing what he thought were the sounds of a woman being raped! Turns out, the neighbor was just watching a pornographic movie. How awkward. That reminds me of the time that I called Animal Control on my neighbor after hearing what I thought was a cat being sodomized while the radio played. Turns out, it was just an Ashlee Simpson video. Believe me, anyone can make that mistake.
So I've gotten the impression that those from other parts of the world seem to think that we Americans don't know much about what goes on in other parts of the world. And honestly, I tend to agree with this. What with American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith's body/baby drama, and Britney Spears slowly going fucking bonkers, who has time to care about the rest of the world? Well, I do.
In the UK:
Prince Harry will be deployed to Iraq in a few months to begin serving his country by living out every adolescent boy's fantasy of driving a fuckin' tank! Bloody awesome! And when he's not leading his battalion into battle, he'll be pretty easy to spot: he'll be the fellow goose-stepping his way across Baghdad. Seriously, Harry, leave the Nazi uniform at home. You're about 65 years too late. Cheerio!
In Amsterdam:
Beginning March 4, a gym in Amsterdam is offering training sessions for nudists. The staff will be fully clothed and there to eject anyone who comes to the gym just to ogle the nekkid people. I'm assuming the staff will be extra vigilant in making sure that patrons wipe down the machines after use. Gross! By the way, much like the topless deck on a cruise ship or a nudist beach, the people who will likely take advantage of this offer are probably not the type of people you'd like to see getting buff in the buff. And frankly, there are some exercises that no one should have to watch people do while naked. Squats anyone?
In Afghanistan:
President Cheney is unhurt after a suicide bomber blew himself the fuck up outside of the military base that Cheney was staying at. The Taliban claimed responsibility (they posted a bulletin on their MySpace page) and said Cheney was the intended target of the attack. The Afghan president put the death toll at 23, while U.S military said it's more like…nine, and also said that Cheney was NOT the intended target. So the truth lies somewhere in between what our less-than-honest and up-front government tells us and the word of a bunch of overzealous religious terrorist assholes. In other words...who wants pancakes?! I'm making pancakes for breakfast! Pancakes, anyone?
Even Without the Ringmaster, the Circus Continues:
Remembering Anna Nicole Smith
Thanks for the Mammaries…
The many phases of Smith's celebrity:
· hot and naked in Playboy
· bangin' the old guy and trying to get his money
· fat, gross and stupid on her TV show
· back to hot and skinny in diet pill ads.
She wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it that Elton John and Bernie Taupin will once again collaborate to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" in tribute to Smith. "Goodbye Trim Spa's queen…." It's a nice thought.
Did you know? Smith willed her entire estate to her dead son and then her infant daughter was awarded custody of her body. Her body will be buried in a cemetery on the Moon, next to the graves of Santa Claus and Barney the Dinosaur.
Judge Babypants
When Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Smith's body to the guardian ad litem for Danniellyn, Smith's infant daughter, he did so while in tears. He claimed to have "suffered" right along with the parties involved. Wow. What kind of people are they letting sit on the bench these days? Aren't judges supposed to be unbiased? Then you have this guy sobbing away like a little girl. What excuse is there for this inappropriate show of emotion? Wait! Could it be that he's the baby's real father? I wouldn't be shocked. The potential list of baby daddy's is beginning to look like a who's who of…..men. Good lord. I'm sure even Marilyn Monroe said "no" once in a while.
Final thought: If you took Britney Spears' children and put them into the custody of a manic depressive child molester with obsessive compulsive disorder, I'm betting they'd still have a better chance at leading a normal life than they do now.
I recently moved into a new apartment and have come to find out that my neighbor (who shall remain nameless due to the fact that I don't know his name) has night terrors. How do I know this? About a week after I moved in, I began hearing moaning sounds. Naturally, at first, I thought he was having sex. Good for him! As long as he keeps the noise down and I can still hear the snappy dialogue of Ass Goblins III; we can't all have girlfriends who live in state.
Anyway, after a few nights of this, I noticed that there were no other voices, female or otherwise, nor any of your usual sex talk ('Ooh, that feels good,' 'take it all', 'oops. Wrong hole!'). Now, you may wonder 'was he simply taking matters into his own hands?' I thought about that, but don't believe self gratification to be the case. Then, the other night, the moaning began around 10pm and lasted well past 4am. I know this because I was periodically awakened by it. Some of it sounded like the usual exaggerated moans, but other times he sounded downright frightened. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that my neighbor has frequent nightmares. I am only sharing this with you because it's kind of interesting. And I really wanted to use the 'wrong hole' joke. Sweet dreams!
Partly cloudy with a chance of my foot in your ass!
I don't care much for weathermen. I'm not sure what they're like in other parts of the country, but here in the Northeast, especially this time of year, weathermen seem extremely arrogant and condescending to their public. I'll be watching the news on a mild winter day, like many we've had this year and the weatherman will say something like, "You think this mild weather's going to continue? Think again!" Why not add "asshole" at the end just to drive the point home? Truthfully, I don't like their tone. I don't like to feel like I'm being talked down to by someone who basically plays with a video game all day. Or when they pull this shit: "It's going to be a messy commute tomorrow morning. Tune in at 11 to find out just how messy." No, dickweed, tell me NOW. If I stay up past 11 pm, only to find out that I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow because I'll have to de-ice my car and my usual 20 minute commute is gonna be doubled, then, my friend, I've just fucked myself out of quite a lot of time. I look forward to the day that weather.com and the Internet put these putzes out of work. And what about weathermen who live in climates that are pretty much stable all year long? Like San Diego. How must it feel to know your job can be replaced by a window?
No woman, No Cry
In Tennessee, a man busted into his neighbor's apartment armed with a sword after hearing what he thought were the sounds of a woman being raped! Turns out, the neighbor was just watching a pornographic movie. How awkward. That reminds me of the time that I called Animal Control on my neighbor after hearing what I thought was a cat being sodomized while the radio played. Turns out, it was just an Ashlee Simpson video. Believe me, anyone can make that mistake.
So I've gotten the impression that those from other parts of the world seem to think that we Americans don't know much about what goes on in other parts of the world. And honestly, I tend to agree with this. What with American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith's body/baby drama, and Britney Spears slowly going fucking bonkers, who has time to care about the rest of the world? Well, I do.
In the UK:
Prince Harry will be deployed to Iraq in a few months to begin serving his country by living out every adolescent boy's fantasy of driving a fuckin' tank! Bloody awesome! And when he's not leading his battalion into battle, he'll be pretty easy to spot: he'll be the fellow goose-stepping his way across Baghdad. Seriously, Harry, leave the Nazi uniform at home. You're about 65 years too late. Cheerio!
In Amsterdam:
Beginning March 4, a gym in Amsterdam is offering training sessions for nudists. The staff will be fully clothed and there to eject anyone who comes to the gym just to ogle the nekkid people. I'm assuming the staff will be extra vigilant in making sure that patrons wipe down the machines after use. Gross! By the way, much like the topless deck on a cruise ship or a nudist beach, the people who will likely take advantage of this offer are probably not the type of people you'd like to see getting buff in the buff. And frankly, there are some exercises that no one should have to watch people do while naked. Squats anyone?
In Afghanistan:
President Cheney is unhurt after a suicide bomber blew himself the fuck up outside of the military base that Cheney was staying at. The Taliban claimed responsibility (they posted a bulletin on their MySpace page) and said Cheney was the intended target of the attack. The Afghan president put the death toll at 23, while U.S military said it's more like…nine, and also said that Cheney was NOT the intended target. So the truth lies somewhere in between what our less-than-honest and up-front government tells us and the word of a bunch of overzealous religious terrorist assholes. In other words...who wants pancakes?! I'm making pancakes for breakfast! Pancakes, anyone?
Even Without the Ringmaster, the Circus Continues:
Remembering Anna Nicole Smith
Thanks for the Mammaries…
The many phases of Smith's celebrity:
· hot and naked in Playboy
· bangin' the old guy and trying to get his money
· fat, gross and stupid on her TV show
· back to hot and skinny in diet pill ads.
She wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it that Elton John and Bernie Taupin will once again collaborate to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" in tribute to Smith. "Goodbye Trim Spa's queen…." It's a nice thought.
Did you know? Smith willed her entire estate to her dead son and then her infant daughter was awarded custody of her body. Her body will be buried in a cemetery on the Moon, next to the graves of Santa Claus and Barney the Dinosaur.
Judge Babypants
When Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Smith's body to the guardian ad litem for Danniellyn, Smith's infant daughter, he did so while in tears. He claimed to have "suffered" right along with the parties involved. Wow. What kind of people are they letting sit on the bench these days? Aren't judges supposed to be unbiased? Then you have this guy sobbing away like a little girl. What excuse is there for this inappropriate show of emotion? Wait! Could it be that he's the baby's real father? I wouldn't be shocked. The potential list of baby daddy's is beginning to look like a who's who of…..men. Good lord. I'm sure even Marilyn Monroe said "no" once in a while.
Final thought: If you took Britney Spears' children and put them into the custody of a manic depressive child molester with obsessive compulsive disorder, I'm betting they'd still have a better chance at leading a normal life than they do now.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Body Talk
This just in: Tyra Banks gains even more weight by eating up way too much of this country's time and attention.
Quick question: If a vampire coughs up blood, how does he know if he has a serious medical issue, or is just throwing up his dinner?
Glow job
Scientists have found that jumping spiders of both genders seem to 'glow' under UV light and this helps attract mates, as well as scare off other potential predators. According to CNN.com, "Under ultraviolet light, the male and female were seen to hit the 'dance floor' with their bodies aglow" and that "such striking differences between male and female coloration under UV light are crucial in courtship for these jumping spiders." Sounds like the arachnid's equivalent of a rave! If you're wondering how scientists came up with the idea to research this, the conversation went something like this:
Scientist #1: Did you get laid this weekend?
Scientist #2: Nope. But I was thinking about spiders having sex. Do you think they glow?
Scientist #1: Like light sabers in Star Wars?!
Scientist #2: Exactly!
Stupidity: It keeps on growing and growing and growing
In Chattanooga, Tennessee, six high school girls were charged with homicide conspiracy when officials discovered a list of 300 names & online postings suggested that they kill the people listed, which included classmates, school faculty, Oprah, Tom Cruise (understandable), and the Energizer Bunny. While officials are patting themselves on the back for discovering the list and preventing a possible outbreak of violence down the road, it seems to me that they're overlooking the fact that these morons were plotting to kill the fucking ENERGIZER BUNNY! Trust me, whatever anyone has done to these girls, I would bet my life that the Energizer Bunny played absolutely no role in it, unless perhaps he learned to play the bass drum in their high school marching band and then refused to dance with the girls at Homecoming, but that's doubtful. Anyway, I don't need a punch line or joke to end this paragraph. These six dipshits are living punch lines to jokes that weren't very funny to begin with.
Garnering attention
Something is amiss in the following headline: Jennifer Garner almost loses expensive ring. Did she lose it? Nope. She almost did. Somehow, that made a CNN headline. Something that did not happen makes the news, which even surpasses the stupidity of being kept abreast of the state of Lindsay Lohan's appendix, which, I'm told, was given to Tom Cruise for some scientology ritual-slash-pot luck dinner. This culture's celebrity obsession just slays me. In fact, I ALMOST threw up in my mouth. Scratch that. I definitely did.
Show me the body!
Wouldn't it be cool to discover a dead body? I don't mean the body of a loved one or someone you know. That's just awful and I'm really not trying to be morbid. Picture this: you're walking through the woods one day and you see something partially obscured under a pile of leaves and, lo and behold, it's a dead body. How exciting! I'm not sure whom I would call first; Police? Girlfriend? Mom? Would I leave and come back with some friends? Would I just leave and let some other lucky soul find it? That would be a generous thing to do. Then again, there's a good chance there are family members wondering what happened to the person, so it's probably best to report it as soon as possible. I think it's important to be aware of these things in the event that you stumble upon a corpse. It never hurts to be prepared. Maybe you'd even get to go on TV and talk about it. You'd have a great story to tell at parties, weddings, school, church or wherever you feel the need to talk about your find. Believe me, any conversation that begins with "Do you remember the time I found a dead body?" is sure to be an attention grabbing one.
Remember that movie Stand By Me, starring Corey Feldman and River Phoenix? It was a coming of age tale based on short story by Stephen King called "The Body." A group of kids heard about a body in the woods and made it their mission to go find it. They packed lunches, fire crackers, and had all sorts of adventures on the way, including almost getting run down by a train, attacked by guard dogs and, of course, leeches. Gross. But all ended well when they discovered the body of Ray Brower, who had been struck by a train. Sadly, this was the highlight of Corey Feldman's and River Phoenix's life and career. Jerry O' Connell got thin and then went on star on "Crossing Jordan" and bang Rebecca Romaijn (Uncle Jesse's ex wife). Wil Wheaton starred on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," with Levar Burton, who played on Reading Rainbow. Oh wow, that takes me back. But seriously, I've gotten off on a tangent. Hey speaking of getting off….
Buncha jerk-offs
You know what's not cool? Auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is the practice of depriving oneself of oxygen as you have an orgasm. The point? Apparently it's mind blowingly (yes, that is a word for today) good. But timing is everything and people tend to fuck it up and die. Then the parents find them dead with their pants around their ankles. Of course, to avoid the embarrassment of the situation, they report it as a suicide, therefore our country's suicide statistics get inflated and it's just an all around hassle for everyone. You know what really enhances an orgasm? Having someone else in the room. The best orgasms are the ones I don't give myself. These people who choke themselves are just lazy and greedy. Stop it!
'Tis all for now, folks. Enjoy your weekend!
Quick question: If a vampire coughs up blood, how does he know if he has a serious medical issue, or is just throwing up his dinner?
Glow job
Scientists have found that jumping spiders of both genders seem to 'glow' under UV light and this helps attract mates, as well as scare off other potential predators. According to CNN.com, "Under ultraviolet light, the male and female were seen to hit the 'dance floor' with their bodies aglow" and that "such striking differences between male and female coloration under UV light are crucial in courtship for these jumping spiders." Sounds like the arachnid's equivalent of a rave! If you're wondering how scientists came up with the idea to research this, the conversation went something like this:
Scientist #1: Did you get laid this weekend?
Scientist #2: Nope. But I was thinking about spiders having sex. Do you think they glow?
Scientist #1: Like light sabers in Star Wars?!
Scientist #2: Exactly!
Stupidity: It keeps on growing and growing and growing
In Chattanooga, Tennessee, six high school girls were charged with homicide conspiracy when officials discovered a list of 300 names & online postings suggested that they kill the people listed, which included classmates, school faculty, Oprah, Tom Cruise (understandable), and the Energizer Bunny. While officials are patting themselves on the back for discovering the list and preventing a possible outbreak of violence down the road, it seems to me that they're overlooking the fact that these morons were plotting to kill the fucking ENERGIZER BUNNY! Trust me, whatever anyone has done to these girls, I would bet my life that the Energizer Bunny played absolutely no role in it, unless perhaps he learned to play the bass drum in their high school marching band and then refused to dance with the girls at Homecoming, but that's doubtful. Anyway, I don't need a punch line or joke to end this paragraph. These six dipshits are living punch lines to jokes that weren't very funny to begin with.
Garnering attention
Something is amiss in the following headline: Jennifer Garner almost loses expensive ring. Did she lose it? Nope. She almost did. Somehow, that made a CNN headline. Something that did not happen makes the news, which even surpasses the stupidity of being kept abreast of the state of Lindsay Lohan's appendix, which, I'm told, was given to Tom Cruise for some scientology ritual-slash-pot luck dinner. This culture's celebrity obsession just slays me. In fact, I ALMOST threw up in my mouth. Scratch that. I definitely did.
Show me the body!
Wouldn't it be cool to discover a dead body? I don't mean the body of a loved one or someone you know. That's just awful and I'm really not trying to be morbid. Picture this: you're walking through the woods one day and you see something partially obscured under a pile of leaves and, lo and behold, it's a dead body. How exciting! I'm not sure whom I would call first; Police? Girlfriend? Mom? Would I leave and come back with some friends? Would I just leave and let some other lucky soul find it? That would be a generous thing to do. Then again, there's a good chance there are family members wondering what happened to the person, so it's probably best to report it as soon as possible. I think it's important to be aware of these things in the event that you stumble upon a corpse. It never hurts to be prepared. Maybe you'd even get to go on TV and talk about it. You'd have a great story to tell at parties, weddings, school, church or wherever you feel the need to talk about your find. Believe me, any conversation that begins with "Do you remember the time I found a dead body?" is sure to be an attention grabbing one.
Remember that movie Stand By Me, starring Corey Feldman and River Phoenix? It was a coming of age tale based on short story by Stephen King called "The Body." A group of kids heard about a body in the woods and made it their mission to go find it. They packed lunches, fire crackers, and had all sorts of adventures on the way, including almost getting run down by a train, attacked by guard dogs and, of course, leeches. Gross. But all ended well when they discovered the body of Ray Brower, who had been struck by a train. Sadly, this was the highlight of Corey Feldman's and River Phoenix's life and career. Jerry O' Connell got thin and then went on star on "Crossing Jordan" and bang Rebecca Romaijn (Uncle Jesse's ex wife). Wil Wheaton starred on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," with Levar Burton, who played on Reading Rainbow. Oh wow, that takes me back. But seriously, I've gotten off on a tangent. Hey speaking of getting off….
Buncha jerk-offs
You know what's not cool? Auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is the practice of depriving oneself of oxygen as you have an orgasm. The point? Apparently it's mind blowingly (yes, that is a word for today) good. But timing is everything and people tend to fuck it up and die. Then the parents find them dead with their pants around their ankles. Of course, to avoid the embarrassment of the situation, they report it as a suicide, therefore our country's suicide statistics get inflated and it's just an all around hassle for everyone. You know what really enhances an orgasm? Having someone else in the room. The best orgasms are the ones I don't give myself. These people who choke themselves are just lazy and greedy. Stop it!
'Tis all for now, folks. Enjoy your weekend!
Saturday, January 20, 2007
The Golden Rules
I think I've finally figured out what makes me feel old. I don't have any gray hairs, I'm in good shape and I'm free of wrinkles and age spots, yet I still feel like an old man sometimes. Do you know why? It is because this month's Playboy Playmate was born in 1987! Twenty fucking years ago! I remember being a youngster and sneaking peeks at my friend's father's Playboy magazines and the women were all so much older and sophisticated. And naked. Can't forget that part. But still, nothing seemed so out of reach than a fresh faced 19 year old girl laying on a bear skin rug or bent over the hood of corvette. Well, now those 19 year old girls are still pretty much out of reach, but for a different reason. I'm old!
OMG! Guess what I'm doing?! LOL
I saw a news blurb debating if sending an email during sex was a sign of 'technology gone awry'. Um, no it's not. It's a sign of sex gone awry. If you're so tuned out during sex that you are sending emails, then it's bad sex. If you're having sex and doing something other than….having sex, then it's not the other activity that's the issue, it's you and/or the sex. Shame on CNN.com for asking such a stupid question. Slow news day, apparently. I should send them an email right….oh yeah, that's good…oh yeah…that's how I like it…..NOW!
Hung like a dictator!
Whether it's setting themselves on fire like Beavis and Butthead or doing 'Jackass' style stunts with painful results, one thing is clear: children can be stupid, and they love to imitate stuff they see on MTV. But apparently in the Middle East, the execution of Saddam Hussein is playing out similarly. There have been numerous cases of children imitating the mad dictator's demise. According to CNN.com, "One 12-year-old Saudi boy died after using a chair and a metal wire to hang himself from a door frame, while another in Algeria was found hanging from a tree." There have been numerous other cases of children dying from imitating Hussein's hanging. Now why would this be an issue? Said CNN.com, "Many were impressed by his dignity on the gallows in the face of insults hurled at him in his final moments and some praised him as a hero" and that way Hussein's execution played out caused some to "momentarily forget his past record." Considering how botched things have gotten in Iraq, it's only fitting that we somehow make Hussein look like a hero in the wake of his execution.
But Hussein's death pales compared to the execution of his half brother whose head snapped right off because the person in charge of determining the appropriate length of rope to use underestimated just a 'smidge.' Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What a job, right? I'm logging onto Careerbuilder.com right now to see if there are any openings! Keywords: rope estimator hanging. Hope my resume is updated! I'm gonna put that master's degree to use FINALLY!
But seriously, it reminds me of the guy whose only job as a mechanic is to change tires, yet he forgets to put the lug nuts on and your tires fall off as your pulling out the parking lot. It's hard to find good help these days!
Golden Rules
The golden rule says to "treat others as you want to be treated." Well, what if you're a masochist? You derive pleasure from pain so you inflict pain on others, as the golden rule would seemingly dictate. But you do so unto those who do not share your affection for pain. So, really you're breaking the golden rule. If you were a masochist, you'd want people to treat you the way you want to be treated (pain) by treating others the way they want to be treated (pleasure). But if someone didn't realize you were masochistic, and they, too, chose to abide by the golden rule, then they would treat you nicely, which in-turn would upset you. Then again, you might like that.
Ok, so where did that come from? I've been doing some thinking about what makes a 'good' person. I'm not a very religious person right now, but I don't believe that I have to align myself with a religious institution in order to be seen as a good human being. I have a little golden rule of my own: Don't be an asshole. In other words, be a good person. I'm sure everyone has their ideas of what makes a good person, and our government has certain laws designed to keep us in line. While some of them are absolutely ridiculous (and should be broken as you see fit), the basics are pretty reasonable, and can be seen as an appropriate measuring stick for 'goodness.' Immanuel Kant said we have a moral duty to uphold that isn't governed by religion or society, but by the will to do good. (Thank you Trine). I've come up with a few "rules" for being a good person. They don't involve God, prayers, church, tithing, goat sacrifice, saying 'candy man' three times in the mirror, or any other sort of religious activity. Let's call them Ryan's Simple Rules for Being a Decent Person, and it's a work in progress. Here's what I've come up with so far:
Treat others with the respect they deserve. But not necessarily the respect that you want to be treated with. Some people don't deserve a lot of respect. That's just reality. But respect is key. If you don't have people's respect, you don't have much.
Be courteous. If someone says "hi" to you, acknowledge them back verbally or even with a wave. There's nothing worse than someone who just ignores a pleasantry. Assholes. On a related note, hold doors for people, and say "Thank you" when someone does something nice, such as lets you cut in front of them at the supermarket, lends you five dollars, or gives you a blow job.
Respect yourself. People can tell a person who has absolutely no self respect. Usually, they just have to watch afternoon talk shows to find these classless people, or perhaps take a trip to your local Wal-Mart. Dress and act like you actually care how others see you. Present yourself in a light that accentuates your good points, which extends beyond the physical. Don't confuse this with letting other people dictate how you live your life. There's not a whole lot of respect in that either.
Laugh. Have a sense of humor. It makes life so much easier. If you really try you can find the humor in almost anything. On a related note, I'm no longer allowed at my local Planned Parenthood. But that's a story for another time.
Cry. Don't let people dictate what emotions you can and cannot have or show just because of your race or gender. Emotions are a fact of life. One sign of being a strong person is to be able to show appropriate emotions, even if it involves crying at the end of 'My Girl' or when Montel Williams reunites the midget hooker with her long lost father. There just aren't enough tissues for that.
Be a good driver. Show some respect on the road and awareness of your fellow human being. Bad drivers kill people. But I've touched upon this in previous blogs.
Find an outlet. Do something for yourself. Whether it's writing, music, video games or sodoku, find something to enjoy to take your mind off of life's everyday hassles.
Like I said, it's a work in progress, but the ideas are sound and I welcome any of you to send your ideas about what makes a 'good' person.
OMG! Guess what I'm doing?! LOL
I saw a news blurb debating if sending an email during sex was a sign of 'technology gone awry'. Um, no it's not. It's a sign of sex gone awry. If you're so tuned out during sex that you are sending emails, then it's bad sex. If you're having sex and doing something other than….having sex, then it's not the other activity that's the issue, it's you and/or the sex. Shame on CNN.com for asking such a stupid question. Slow news day, apparently. I should send them an email right….oh yeah, that's good…oh yeah…that's how I like it…..NOW!
Hung like a dictator!
Whether it's setting themselves on fire like Beavis and Butthead or doing 'Jackass' style stunts with painful results, one thing is clear: children can be stupid, and they love to imitate stuff they see on MTV. But apparently in the Middle East, the execution of Saddam Hussein is playing out similarly. There have been numerous cases of children imitating the mad dictator's demise. According to CNN.com, "One 12-year-old Saudi boy died after using a chair and a metal wire to hang himself from a door frame, while another in Algeria was found hanging from a tree." There have been numerous other cases of children dying from imitating Hussein's hanging. Now why would this be an issue? Said CNN.com, "Many were impressed by his dignity on the gallows in the face of insults hurled at him in his final moments and some praised him as a hero" and that way Hussein's execution played out caused some to "momentarily forget his past record." Considering how botched things have gotten in Iraq, it's only fitting that we somehow make Hussein look like a hero in the wake of his execution.
But Hussein's death pales compared to the execution of his half brother whose head snapped right off because the person in charge of determining the appropriate length of rope to use underestimated just a 'smidge.' Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What a job, right? I'm logging onto Careerbuilder.com right now to see if there are any openings! Keywords: rope estimator hanging. Hope my resume is updated! I'm gonna put that master's degree to use FINALLY!
But seriously, it reminds me of the guy whose only job as a mechanic is to change tires, yet he forgets to put the lug nuts on and your tires fall off as your pulling out the parking lot. It's hard to find good help these days!
Golden Rules
The golden rule says to "treat others as you want to be treated." Well, what if you're a masochist? You derive pleasure from pain so you inflict pain on others, as the golden rule would seemingly dictate. But you do so unto those who do not share your affection for pain. So, really you're breaking the golden rule. If you were a masochist, you'd want people to treat you the way you want to be treated (pain) by treating others the way they want to be treated (pleasure). But if someone didn't realize you were masochistic, and they, too, chose to abide by the golden rule, then they would treat you nicely, which in-turn would upset you. Then again, you might like that.
Ok, so where did that come from? I've been doing some thinking about what makes a 'good' person. I'm not a very religious person right now, but I don't believe that I have to align myself with a religious institution in order to be seen as a good human being. I have a little golden rule of my own: Don't be an asshole. In other words, be a good person. I'm sure everyone has their ideas of what makes a good person, and our government has certain laws designed to keep us in line. While some of them are absolutely ridiculous (and should be broken as you see fit), the basics are pretty reasonable, and can be seen as an appropriate measuring stick for 'goodness.' Immanuel Kant said we have a moral duty to uphold that isn't governed by religion or society, but by the will to do good. (Thank you Trine). I've come up with a few "rules" for being a good person. They don't involve God, prayers, church, tithing, goat sacrifice, saying 'candy man' three times in the mirror, or any other sort of religious activity. Let's call them Ryan's Simple Rules for Being a Decent Person, and it's a work in progress. Here's what I've come up with so far:
Treat others with the respect they deserve. But not necessarily the respect that you want to be treated with. Some people don't deserve a lot of respect. That's just reality. But respect is key. If you don't have people's respect, you don't have much.
Be courteous. If someone says "hi" to you, acknowledge them back verbally or even with a wave. There's nothing worse than someone who just ignores a pleasantry. Assholes. On a related note, hold doors for people, and say "Thank you" when someone does something nice, such as lets you cut in front of them at the supermarket, lends you five dollars, or gives you a blow job.
Respect yourself. People can tell a person who has absolutely no self respect. Usually, they just have to watch afternoon talk shows to find these classless people, or perhaps take a trip to your local Wal-Mart. Dress and act like you actually care how others see you. Present yourself in a light that accentuates your good points, which extends beyond the physical. Don't confuse this with letting other people dictate how you live your life. There's not a whole lot of respect in that either.
Laugh. Have a sense of humor. It makes life so much easier. If you really try you can find the humor in almost anything. On a related note, I'm no longer allowed at my local Planned Parenthood. But that's a story for another time.
Cry. Don't let people dictate what emotions you can and cannot have or show just because of your race or gender. Emotions are a fact of life. One sign of being a strong person is to be able to show appropriate emotions, even if it involves crying at the end of 'My Girl' or when Montel Williams reunites the midget hooker with her long lost father. There just aren't enough tissues for that.
Be a good driver. Show some respect on the road and awareness of your fellow human being. Bad drivers kill people. But I've touched upon this in previous blogs.
Find an outlet. Do something for yourself. Whether it's writing, music, video games or sodoku, find something to enjoy to take your mind off of life's everyday hassles.
Like I said, it's a work in progress, but the ideas are sound and I welcome any of you to send your ideas about what makes a 'good' person.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Save the Music
Happy New Year! Let's start the new year off with a bang!
Armed and Famous
When I first heard about this show, I actually thought that it was a reality show about celebrities like Latoya Jackson and Ozzy Osbourne's kid training to become real cops who get to carry real weapons and actually go out on patrol. Then I—wait, are you fucking kidding me? It is? Is it possible for TV to be so terrible that I get nostalgic for the good ol' days of 'Temptation Island' and 'Who Wants to Marry My Dad?' Oh goodness….
This one's for the ladies….
The i-brator
Someone was bound to think of it and I wish it had been me. There is a vibrator called the OhMiBod that actually syncs up with your I-pod to vibrate to the rhythm of the music, thus realizing the fantasy of millions of women worldwide to be able to come to sultry sounds of Lil' Jon and the East Side Boyz. Skeet skeet motherfucker. Sounds pretty hot, right? Please note: playing an R. Kelly song will actually only cause you to pee yourself; A Coldplay song might make you fall asleep before you can climax. You can play U2 and have 10% of every orgasm donated to a starving African kid. That's something we can all feel good about. Just don't get off to a band like 4 Non Blondes: you'll have one orgasm and never be heard from again.
Holy Shiite!
According to reports, people are hung up (pun!) about the manner in which Saddam Hussein was executed. Some call it justice, while others are calling it merely a lynch mob at the hands of the Iraqi government, which makes America look really bad. And to think, we've handled this Iraq situation so well thus far.
Have you seen the cell phone footage? Seriously, what kind of cell phone was being used to capture the execution? Impressive. I know my cell phone doesn't capture video that clearly. Call me tactless, but I see a marketing opportunity here. "Hang on! I have Saddam on the line." Pun city, baby. Pun city.
Between the Michael Richards debacle and the Hussein execution, cell phone video is getting quite the reputation for being on the forefront of today's hard news. I mean, if a cell phone video of Lindsay Lohan's appendectomy surfaces, I think it's safe to say the future of digital media is here! I think that's something even Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump can agree on.
The Police might be reuniting! I have nothing bad to say. I love the Police! Fuck yeah! Songs like "So Lonely" and "Don't Stand So Close to Me" were the soundtrack to my college years! ....There's a joke in there somewhere.
Who nailed whom?
Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli (haha…Nard) resigned amidst criticism of his performance and the company's stock value falling over his six years as CEO, despite doing well in sales. Sucks right? Pretty sweet job, huh? I wouldn't want to give up that job. Unless of course I could do so with a severance package of, say, $210 million dollars in cash and stock options. But that would be ludicrous and there's no way anyone could get that kind of deal. I mean--Wait, you're fucking kidding me! He did? I give up. What kind of screwed up world are we living in where being bad at your job nets you more cash than everyone else who works for your company combined? Suddenly drug abuse and alcoholism make so much more sense.
Ok, so here's the rant for today:
You know what commercial I hate?! The cell phone commercial where those two guys download The Clash's 'Rock the Casbah' and then spend the rest of the commercial trying to figure out what the lyrics are. The fucking lyrics to 'Rock the Casbah' are…rock the casbah!! I see the point they're trying to make, but it's a terrible song choice. Shame on the marketing executive that came up with that one.
This highlights another point. As someone who actually likes music and musicians, this culture of 'singles' and downloading one song here and there versus actually buying whole albums upsets me. In 20 years, are bands even going to continue releasing full length albums? Why bother? Music as an art form will slowly die away while bands will just be responsible for sitting around with their agents, hair stylists, personal trainers, wardrobe technicians and a team of songwriters all conspiring to make the hit single, instead of exercise any true creativity. And if I sound bitter, it's because I'm a musician who writes original music. I should have brought sexy back! I'm fuckin' Fergilicious! How did I not think of that? I'm probably aiming too high. If you can dance to something, I suppose the lyrics and substance of the song are pretty much irrelevant. While sex certainly does sell, is it too much to hope that creativity and intelligence play any role whatsoever?
I feel like music is barely hanging on as an art form. It's not about appreciating an artist for their music or looking at an album as a whole. It's about creating singles that people can sing and dance along to like zombies. Think Michael Jacksion's 'Thriller' video come to life. The proof: NOW That's What I call Music volumes 1 through 950. People are too busy to come up with their own preferences so they opt to purchase collections of "good" music spoon-fed to them with no thinking required. Sorry to break it to ya, but liking one Green Day song doesn't necessarily make you a Green Day fan.
Don't get me wrong: While I do occasionally download albums off I-tunes, I still love buying CDs and I hope they never go away, despite the popularity of digital music. I love the discs themselves, the artwork and I love the way they look lined up in my shelves. One thing I dislike about downloading music (legally) is that often even when you purchase the music, you are still limited as to what you can do with it. Either you can only burn it to CD a finite amount of times or you can't transfer it to your brand "X" mp3 player because you can only listen to it on an I-pod. On Sundays. Between the hours of 3 and 6 pm.
Save the music!
Enjoy your weekend!!!
Armed and Famous
When I first heard about this show, I actually thought that it was a reality show about celebrities like Latoya Jackson and Ozzy Osbourne's kid training to become real cops who get to carry real weapons and actually go out on patrol. Then I—wait, are you fucking kidding me? It is? Is it possible for TV to be so terrible that I get nostalgic for the good ol' days of 'Temptation Island' and 'Who Wants to Marry My Dad?' Oh goodness….
This one's for the ladies….
The i-brator
Someone was bound to think of it and I wish it had been me. There is a vibrator called the OhMiBod that actually syncs up with your I-pod to vibrate to the rhythm of the music, thus realizing the fantasy of millions of women worldwide to be able to come to sultry sounds of Lil' Jon and the East Side Boyz. Skeet skeet motherfucker. Sounds pretty hot, right? Please note: playing an R. Kelly song will actually only cause you to pee yourself; A Coldplay song might make you fall asleep before you can climax. You can play U2 and have 10% of every orgasm donated to a starving African kid. That's something we can all feel good about. Just don't get off to a band like 4 Non Blondes: you'll have one orgasm and never be heard from again.
Holy Shiite!
According to reports, people are hung up (pun!) about the manner in which Saddam Hussein was executed. Some call it justice, while others are calling it merely a lynch mob at the hands of the Iraqi government, which makes America look really bad. And to think, we've handled this Iraq situation so well thus far.
Have you seen the cell phone footage? Seriously, what kind of cell phone was being used to capture the execution? Impressive. I know my cell phone doesn't capture video that clearly. Call me tactless, but I see a marketing opportunity here. "Hang on! I have Saddam on the line." Pun city, baby. Pun city.
Between the Michael Richards debacle and the Hussein execution, cell phone video is getting quite the reputation for being on the forefront of today's hard news. I mean, if a cell phone video of Lindsay Lohan's appendectomy surfaces, I think it's safe to say the future of digital media is here! I think that's something even Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump can agree on.
The Police might be reuniting! I have nothing bad to say. I love the Police! Fuck yeah! Songs like "So Lonely" and "Don't Stand So Close to Me" were the soundtrack to my college years! ....There's a joke in there somewhere.
Who nailed whom?
Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli (haha…Nard) resigned amidst criticism of his performance and the company's stock value falling over his six years as CEO, despite doing well in sales. Sucks right? Pretty sweet job, huh? I wouldn't want to give up that job. Unless of course I could do so with a severance package of, say, $210 million dollars in cash and stock options. But that would be ludicrous and there's no way anyone could get that kind of deal. I mean--Wait, you're fucking kidding me! He did? I give up. What kind of screwed up world are we living in where being bad at your job nets you more cash than everyone else who works for your company combined? Suddenly drug abuse and alcoholism make so much more sense.
Ok, so here's the rant for today:
You know what commercial I hate?! The cell phone commercial where those two guys download The Clash's 'Rock the Casbah' and then spend the rest of the commercial trying to figure out what the lyrics are. The fucking lyrics to 'Rock the Casbah' are…rock the casbah!! I see the point they're trying to make, but it's a terrible song choice. Shame on the marketing executive that came up with that one.
This highlights another point. As someone who actually likes music and musicians, this culture of 'singles' and downloading one song here and there versus actually buying whole albums upsets me. In 20 years, are bands even going to continue releasing full length albums? Why bother? Music as an art form will slowly die away while bands will just be responsible for sitting around with their agents, hair stylists, personal trainers, wardrobe technicians and a team of songwriters all conspiring to make the hit single, instead of exercise any true creativity. And if I sound bitter, it's because I'm a musician who writes original music. I should have brought sexy back! I'm fuckin' Fergilicious! How did I not think of that? I'm probably aiming too high. If you can dance to something, I suppose the lyrics and substance of the song are pretty much irrelevant. While sex certainly does sell, is it too much to hope that creativity and intelligence play any role whatsoever?
I feel like music is barely hanging on as an art form. It's not about appreciating an artist for their music or looking at an album as a whole. It's about creating singles that people can sing and dance along to like zombies. Think Michael Jacksion's 'Thriller' video come to life. The proof: NOW That's What I call Music volumes 1 through 950. People are too busy to come up with their own preferences so they opt to purchase collections of "good" music spoon-fed to them with no thinking required. Sorry to break it to ya, but liking one Green Day song doesn't necessarily make you a Green Day fan.
Don't get me wrong: While I do occasionally download albums off I-tunes, I still love buying CDs and I hope they never go away, despite the popularity of digital music. I love the discs themselves, the artwork and I love the way they look lined up in my shelves. One thing I dislike about downloading music (legally) is that often even when you purchase the music, you are still limited as to what you can do with it. Either you can only burn it to CD a finite amount of times or you can't transfer it to your brand "X" mp3 player because you can only listen to it on an I-pod. On Sundays. Between the hours of 3 and 6 pm.
Save the music!
Enjoy your weekend!!!
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