At War with Words

10 Minutes is 9 min. 50 seconds Too Many

2011-05-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, SHIT! (So Happy It's Thursday)

Hope you're all having a wonderful day. T-minus 2 months and counting until Baby Andersen arrives. Trine and I are very excited about the birth of our son. Not sure how much blogging I will be doing for a while, so I am just trying to get some thoughts down before all of my thoughts are consumed by the baby. Here's a few of them!

Ke$ha $uck$

This morning at the gym, a Kesha song came on the overhead speaker. As I vomited just a little bit into my mouth, I thought of something I read recently:

On Ultimate-Guitar.com , there was an article about how Kesha, despite actually making music that I wouldn’t force a deaf person to sit through, is actually a big rock n’ roll fan. Ok, so am I supposed to be impressed by this? On a website whose main audience is musicians and fans of rock n’ roll music, why should we care about this, especially when her music is the furthest thing from rock n’ roll. She could be the biggest metal head out there, she still makes horrific music. If you ask me, her main influences seem to be Lady Gaga and the sounds of a sick cat being tortured through auto-tune.

In full disclosure, I have only heard 2 or 3 songs from Kesha, so about 10 minutes, which happens to be 9 minutes and 50 seconds more than I needed to realize this woman’s music is the soundtrack to being eaten alive from the inside out by some sorta of horrifying bacteria.

Oh speaking of bacteria, if she brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels, I can't imagine her oral hygeine being all that good.

By the way, what exactly does it mean to wake up feeling like P. Diddy? How does a white girl wake up feeling like a rich black man? Did she wake up missing Biggie Smalls? Did she perhaps wake up thinking about sampling a classic rock song into some awful inane hip hop song? I’d like some clarification. Wait, no I don’t. I just want her to go away.

Motorcyclists Need to Watch out for Me

So after the gym, I began driving to work. On my way I saw a bumper sticker saying “Watch out for Motorcycles”, which reminded me a bumper sticker I saw that said “Look Twice for Motorcycles” and sometimes electronic billboards on the highways display similar warnings. I shake my head at this. I don’t know about other places in this country, but down here in lovely south Florida, motorcyclists do not give a flying fuck. The weave in and out of traffic at 90 mph, they drive in the breakdown lane, they avoid and break traffic laws, and many of them don’t wear a helmet while doing so. Now I have no desire to cause any accidents, but I guess I just chuckle at the idea of being warned to take care for the safety of these people, when they obviously don’t care about their own safety. Am I reading it wrong? Maybe the bumper stickers are to warn those in cars to watch out, i.e. "Watch Out for Motorcyles Or You Might Get Killed."

Can you google "Guilty"?

So down here in Florida, there is a trial going on for a woman named Casey Anthony who allegedly (and in this case “allegedly” can be swapped out with “obviously”) killed her young daughter. This is, oddly, not the worst thing that I’ve heard of a parent down here doing to their child.

Now, young Caylee went missing in June 2008 after leaving her grandparent’s house with her murderer…err, mother. Her grandmother reported her missing in July 2008. Casey Anthony, in between clubbing and hot body contests, told police that her daughter was taken by a babysitter…one that no other friend or family member had ever seen. In fact, the so-called babysitter denies even knowing Casey or Caylee Anthony. Oops.

An old boyfriend testified that during the time Caylee was supposedly missing, Casey never mentioned it to anyone. An entry in Casey’s diary at around the time the child would have died talks about having no regrest and finally being happy, but hoping everything turns out ok. Now, they can’t 100 % confirm Casey wrote it, or that it was in reference to the death of her child, but come on, seriously?

Caylee’s remains were found that December near Anthony’s house. Duct tape and pastic bags were also found in Casey Anthony’s home. They also found traces of possible human decomposition and chloroform in the trunk of her car. So she obviously called up Scott Peterson for some advice on how to avoid detection. In addition, her computer apparently had google searches of the terms "neck breaking," "how to make chloroform," and "death". She should have googled "getting rid of evidence".

They defense has already started playing the “She was sexually abused” card saying she was diddled by her dad. Sad, and all, but not a defense for killing her child. This is probably right before they bring out the big guns: the pretty white girl defense. Nevertheless, I am curious to see where this one goes.

So there you go. Why I hate Kesha and why I would make an awful juror.

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Organ Donation & Transplantation: Separating the Myths from the Facts, or Don’t Believe Anything You See on Grey’s Anatomy

2011-05-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

First off, I need to thank my wife, Trine, for supplying me with the information here. She’s a med student, and has been immersed in the world of organ donation & transplantation since she received her liver transplant at age 2. I am relatively new to this whole business. Long story very short: I was born with a liver disorder called Biliary Atresia, had surgery has a baby, and it held until I was 26 years old, in the summer of 2007. Then everything changed. My liver began to fail, and I was told I needed a liver transplant in order to save my life. In May 2008, just about three years ago, I received my transplant. I had about 6 months of post-transplant complications, but have been doing great since then. I’ve gotten the chance to talk to a lot of folks about my experience and about organ donation in general. Many of these people have sick or transplanted children, and it’s pretty cool to be able to offer inspiration or helpful words to people going through what I went through.

But there’s a lot of bullshit out there, especially in the way organ donation & transplantation is portrayed in your favorite medical dramas on TV. For example, Grey’s Anatomy. I start throwing things when I see doctors on TV screaming at a dead boy’s parents about how they have to donate their dead son’s organs right now, in order to save the life of a young girl, etc, etc, I just turn to Trine and say, “Well, we just lost another bunch of organ donors.” Sadly, many people believe what they see on TV. Right now, I am trying to say that when it comes to organ donation & transplantation, please DON’T.

Myth: I am too old to be a donor.

Fact: Anyone can be a potential donor regardless of age or race. Each potential donor is referred to the local organ recovery agency to evaluate if they are medically eligible to donate. Currently, patients with a history of malignancy, HIV, or Hepatitis B Surface Antigen are not eligible donors.

Myth: Only abdominal organs can be transplanted.

Fact: Transplantable organs include: Liver, Heart, Lungs, Kidneys, Pancreas, and Small Bowel. You can also donate tissues and bone marrow.

Myth: If I’m an organ donor, the doctors won’t work as hard to save me.

Fact: If you are sick or injured and admitted to the hospital, the number one priority is to save your life. Organ, eye and tissue donation can only be considered after you are deceased. No investigative or oversight agency has ever found evidence of poorer care in organ donors occurring. It is not standard procedure for the paramedics or emergency department doctors to look for a donor card. Though, they may steal your Dave and Buster’s card. A patient cannot be considered for organ donation if they don’t have a breathing tube in place and stabilized blood pressure.

Myth: Saying, “I’d like to donate my organ to her, if you know what I mean” is a hilarious and clever way of saying you’d like to have sex with a woman

Fact: Is it not.

Myth: They’ll take out my organs before I’m dead.

Fact: Donation is not offered to a family until a patient is dead by every clinical definition. “Brain death” is the medically, legally, and morally accepted determination of death. That means that there is no blood flow or oxygen to the brain. The brain is no longer functioning in any capacity and never will again, not unlike the audience at an average Oprah show taping. Two licensed physicians must make the diagnosis before the organ donation process can begin.

Fact: There are two types of cadaveric organ donation– donation after brain death and donation after cardiac death.

Brain death is defined as the complete and irreversible loss of all brain function including the brain stem. Donation after brain death is the classic model of organ donation and what most people think of.

Donation after cardiac death is offered to families after they have made the independent decision to withdrawal artificial support of their loved one. The patient is brought into the O.R., artificial support is withdrawn, and asystole ensues. Several minutes after asystole, the organs are recovered for transplantation. Asystole is a fancy-pants way of saying “the patient has flat lined.”

Myth: Rich and famous people get moved to the top of the waiting list.

Fact: When you are on the waiting list for an organ, what really counts is the severity of your illness, time spent waiting, blood type, and other important medical information. The system of allocation does not factor wealth or social status. Race, gender, age, income, or celebrity status is never considered when determining who receives an organ. Please note this does not apply those in Arizona. If you live in Arizona, and you need a transplant, and you are not rich, then you are screwed.

Myth: Criminals steal organs to sell on the black market.

Fact: It is illegal to sell an organ. It is possible to give a kidney, liver, or lung while living. However, as George Lopez’s wife is finding out, you can not ask for it back in the divorce. A doctor found performing a transplant of stolen or sold organs would have their medical license revoked. There are no documented cases of stolen organs and there is not a black market for organs in the United States. There is, however, an active market in other countries. So, if you have functioning organs, it’s best not to travel outside of the United States.

Myth: My religion doesn’t approve of organ donation and transplantation.

Fact: All major religions in the United States support organ, eye, and tissue donation and see it as the final act of love and generosity toward others. Also, some made-up religions do, too. May the Fonz be with you.

Myth: I want to have an open casket funeral, therefore I can’t be an organ donor.

Fact: An open casket funeral is possible for organ, eye, and tissue donors. Through the entire donation process the body is treated with care, respect, and dignity. Which is a nice change, considering people who are alive aren't always treated with care, respect, and dignity.

Myth: Organ donation will add to my hospital bill.

Fact: There is no cost to the donor or their family for organ or tissue donation. Sadly, I know someone who was told this for years by a friend, and it stopped them from being an organ donor for a very long time.

Fact: 18 people die every day waiting for the gift of life. To register as a potential organ donor, visit http://donatelife.net/register-now/ today!

My Thoughts on the Death of Osama bin Laden

2011-05-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

Note: This blog is based on the assumption the Osama bin Laden is dead at the hands of the U.S. Military under the guidance of President Barack Obama this past week. If you believe bin Laden's been dead for years, or that there is some big conspiracy at hand, there's really no point in reading. I am one to question authority, and I do not blindly follow. But in this case, I have to have faith in the fact that what Obama has said is the truth, because believing otherswise would make my head explode. And I truly do not see the point in lying about either bin Laden being dead or when he was killed. It is an impeachable offense and I would be the first to speak out against President Obama if it came to light that had lied about the events of Sunday night.

Sunday night’s shocking announcement of the killing and capture (of the body) of Osama bin Laden has set off a fury of emotions, thoughts and theories. So I have decided to weigh in on some of the discussions that I have observed via the internet and news media.

First off, is it right, in this instance, to celebrate the death of another human being?

Generally, relishing in the murder of a man is not a becoming trait for anyone. I am not sure I can tell people the correct way to ”celebrate” Osama bin Laden’s death. I choose to celebrate in the abstract: a man who is responsible for the murder of thousands of Americans is no longer able to do harm. I am not naïve enough to think this brings any kind of end to terrorism, but it is a victory nevertheless. Perhaps it even brings closure to those who lost loved ones on 9/11. I did not lose anyone on 9/11, so I cannot rightfully tell a person who lost a wife/husband/son/daughter, etc not to celebrate that the man responsible for their loved one’s death is now dead. It has to be quite a cathartic feeling to know what it’s like to lose a loved one to murder, but to wish that kind of sadness of someone else. However, in emotional times like this, you can excuse someone who was directly victimized by bin Laden if they are happy that he’s dead. I mean, this guy was as evil as evil gets. True, his death does not change things a ton. It certainly doesn’t bring back those killed on 9/11, or those soldiers who have lost their lives over the past 10 years fighting for this country. Nor does it put an end to terrorism. It may, in fact, bring on retaliation and more terrorist acts. Time will tell. I know some have said they’d rather that we capture and imprison bin Laden, as that could be worse than death. Maybe true, but I personally do not think that this country should have to waste the resources making him comfortable, protected, and paying for his meals and medical care.

People are going to react to his death in different ways. The only reaction that I seriously question is that of a douche bag sports star coming to the defense of bin Laden. I think of those videos of American’s being be-headed and think, “Yeah, I guess we really should hear the terrorists’ side of the story.” Oh wait, that’s right: We have. Osama bin Laden openly stated he was the mastermind behind 9/11 and encouraged more killing of Americans. But I can see how you need some clarity, you moron. Shut the fuck up and go play your stupid football game. If someone wants the opinion of a complete jackass, we know where to find you.

Quick Aside: Thanks to the wonderful "comment" features on various articles, I've read people say that we (Americans) have brought on the wrath of the terrorists, and hatred by other countries, through our lifestyles, our screwed up values, priorities, arrogance, ignorance, etc. I will freely admit there are a lot of things and people that I do not like in this country. There are many negative things you can attribute to America and Americans. But I don't see how you can defend a person, or group, who use terror, violence, and murder to get their point across.

Secondly, Osama bin Laden was un-armed at the time of his death and capture.

I've read some other people's blogs and thoughts regarding the idea that the U.S. didn't follow it's own laws, shooting an unarmed man, not giving bin Laden due process, his day in court, a run through the judicial system. I'm having a true battle of "reason" versus "yeah, but this terrorist fuck killed over 3,000 unarmed people and wouldn't hesitate for a second to kill any of us reading this at any time" and struggling to empathize with bin Laden for not getting his Miranda rights read to him. I know this is just another issue that will divide folks, but I just don't see any other way his apprehension could have ended.

Thirdly, it sickens me that there’s been so much debate about who deserves credit for Osama bin Laden’s death.

The Bush fan boys are throwing furniture in their apartments at the idea that President Obama is not crediting George W. for bin Laden’s capture. Get over it, and go cry in your Cheerios. For better or worse, George W. is not the president anymore. Love him or hate him, Barack Obama is the current president of the United States. He is in office, he is the current commander in chief, and therefore he was the one to rightfully address the nation regarding the killing of Osama bin Laden. This was a team effort between the Obama administration and the US military. Pres. Obama didn’t make the kill shot, a solider did. Perhaps that man needs to be credited. Or perhaps the American people should be credited for electing a man who had the balls to go after bin Laden for real. And just to point out, bin Laden apparently lived at Casa de bin Laden for 6 years. If my math is correct, George W. Bush was president 6 years ago. He had his chance.

And by the way, if George W. does deserve credit, does that mean if the Al Qaeda retaliate and commit a terrorist act, than I can blame George W? Because you can’t have it both ways.

I gotta say one of the more disturbing things that I read was that the terrorists who the U.S. water boarded deserved more credit than President Obama. These people were murderers and criminals. They did not divulge information out of the goodness of their heart. They did not have a change of heart while watching a Lifetime movie one night. They were tortured into providing information. Whether you agree with the use of water boarding is not the point. The idea that saying the terrorists deserve more credit than the president is appalling, and certainly not something you’d be saying if ole’ George Dub-yah was the one in office.

The capture and killing of Osama bin Laden should not be credited to any one person. Will Obama use this during his re-election campaign? Probably. And I am sure many will use this in considering whether or not to vote for him in 2012. What kind of impact will Osama’s death have on people’s overall assessment of Barack Obama as a president? I guess that remains to be seen. I am not trying to say that President Obama is the best president ever. I freely admit that a lot of the hope and positivity surrounding him during the election seems to have subsided, and many people have been wondering exactly what Obama has really accomplished during his time in office. He may not go down as the most effectual president in history, but this is a proud moment for him, and for America.

Finally, should the US military release pics of Osama bin Laden’s dead body?

Now, I admit, though I am not much of a conspiracy theorist, I did find it strange that even before some could fully wrap our brains around the death of bin Laden, he had been dumped at sea. I think this was out of respect for bin Laden’s religion, which dictates burial within 24 hours. I admit I was a little put off at the idea of paying this man any respect. I know some people are trying to say bin Laden’s been dead for years, and this was some sort of re-election tactic on behalf of President Obama. Do I know for a fact that is not true? No, but that would one hell of a conspiracy and awful way to lie to the American people (almost like lying about WMD's to justify a war). I cannot deny that I, like many, would like some proof, and a picture of the body seems to be it. So there’s been debate over releasing pics of bin Laden’s dead body.

In 99.9% of cases, I’d say that is distasteful. In this case, I can see both sides. Perhaps seeing the pics would silence some doubters. It may also shock and outrage, especially since sometimes death photos don’t always resemble how the person looked alive, which could always create more controversy. It could also inflame anti-American sentiments from the Islamic communities, and not only those who sided with bin Laden. DNA tests and pics of the body are not going to dissuade conspiracy theorists from thinking that bin Laden has been dead for a while now. There is no perfect decision. Releasing the photos, or not, will each have their own set of consequences. Perhaps it would be wise to leak the photo through a website or media outlet where people can seek it out if they want, instead of splatter it all over the papers? Perhaps release a version of the photo that shows his face, but is censored to limit the gore. Or maybe just release the photo un-doctored to hammer the point home that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Or don’t release it at all. I just don’t think there’s one right decision.

Note: This was written before Pres. Obama announced he will not be releasing the pictures. So there it is. It's a decision that will flame the fires of the conspiracy theorists and more anti-Obama sentiment. But would releasing the pictures do more good? I can't say. It was a tough decision and one that I am glad I did not have to make.

As with many of the issues surrounding Osama bin Laden’s death, there is no one way to handle things that will please everyone. I guess it just shocks me at how divided people seem over this issue. America is not a perfect nation, but it’s a damn good one, especially when compared to some of the terror and oppression that rule other countries. Bin Laden’s death was a victory for this country, regardless of who you want to credit for it, or if you celebrate his death, or celebrate simply the idea that a very evil man is no longer able to terrorize people. Yes, finally, 8 years after we were told “Mission Accomplished,” the mission actually was accomplished.

Wasn't Obama Black Three Years Ago, Too?

2011-04-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, it's been a long time since I've written anything. Just coming by to weigh in on a bunch of crap that's contributing to my inevitable mental breakdown.

Wow, That’s Quite a Change
I heard this one the Biggest Loser the other night. A former contestant, once overweight and miserable, now thin and happy said, “I’ve changed my life 360 degrees.” Really? Well, you still suck at geometry. What she meant was that she changed her life 180 degrees, meaning the opposite of what it was. Saying you’ve made a 360 degree change basically says you’re right back to where you were before.

How Do We Prove Hawaii’s Not a State?
I am sure you are all aware that Obama produced a copy of his birth certificate this week so that these birther jackasses (and Donald Trump) can finally see that he was born in the United States, in Hawaii. Will this end the debate over his citizenship? Perhaps. Probably some of the more hardcore will try to find loopholes stating that Hawaii wasn’t technically a state when Obama was born. Others I am sure will keep digging and researching just trying to find the old photos with Obama and Osama Bin Laden playing cards or maybe with Obama at an Al Queda mixer. Others will simply move on. Ok, he’s a U.S citizen. But, uh-oh, he’s black. All things we’ve known for years that somehow are still an issue.

My neck feels a little stiff.

You know, when Obama was elected I had an inking of a thought that maybe, juuuuust maybe, we had progressed a tiny bit as a society. Ok, gays still can't marry most places, but maybe skin color didn’t matter quite as much as I thought. WRONG. We’ve moved on from thinking Obama could be a terrorist. Now, we’re focusing on something that is actually is: Black. Donald Trump, who may be considering a bid for president, is doing himself considerable damage by basically coming out and questioning if Obama’s grades were good enough, which is racist white guy code for "did he get in just because he was black?" (Or in the case of D. Trump, doesn't that frog faced, roadkill haired lunatic only get laid by hot models because he's rich?).

These same people probably never questioned if George Dub-yah only got into Yale because of his daddy. Seriously, you wanna critize Obama? Do it for his politics and policies. Not the color of skin. Idiots.

My head hurts.

On related, and almost as stupid, note, the wife of the doctor who delivered Obama (as in when he was born) has come forward. She said she is overwhelmed by the revelation. Aggggggghhhh. You know what overwhelms me? The fact that is fucking news!!! In a “no shit" moment, she said: "Physicians honor the confidentiality of their patients so he never said anything to me about this, and at that time, we had no way of knowing that President Obama was going to be president.” How in the hell would you ever remember one baby you delivered almost 50 years ago? "Oohh I got a feeling this one's gonna grow up to be the president."

Why is my nose bleeding?

What is this Royal Wedding You Speak Of?
Well, everyone, it’s almost that time. Wow, I can’t believe it. Only a few days away and then….nah, just kidding. I don’t give a half a shit about this. I only care so far as to say I can’t wait till it’s over. I do not, will not ever, understand the obsession with Prince Wiliam, Kate Middleton, Prince Harry, Prince Albert, etc. etc. I just don’t. Hey quick note to Kate Middleton: It won’t end well.

I just went blind

Thank You, Bankers
When BP had the oil spill, killed a bunch of people and wildlife, and royally screwed the Gulf area up, they aired commercials of local folks defending BP and talking about how great BP was about financially helping out businesses affected by the oil spill. Why not do that with the housing crisis? Have some woman come on TV saying something like:

“When the housing bubble burst, and people were thrown out of their homes because they could no longer afford enormous payments on the houses they had no business buying in the first place, I was able to get a foreclosure on a $600,000 house for only $23,000. Thank you, rich scumbag bankers, for making my dream come true.” I mean, when these banker assholes get out of jail, I oughta....oh, wait that's right.

Someone please call 911.

Not Feelin' it This Year....

2010-12-21T10:39:00.000-08:00

Here we are 4 days from Christmas, and I've had some trouble feelin' the Christmas spirit this year.

Not sure why exactly. I have a lot to be cheerful about, namely that my beautiful wife is pregnant and next July we're going to have our first child. Pretty awesome.

I guess it's a combination of things, I think. The older I get I just realize how commercialized it's all become and how any real meaning has just gotten trampled on by the insane crowds at the malls, black Friday sales, people fighting over parking spaces to be 10 extra feet closer, and how the "season" begins earlier and earlier each year, which just translates to more shopping, spending and guilt. And when I say "real meaning", I take it as a time to get together with family and friends. It's like a reward for all the hard work over the year. That's what I really look forward to (aside from getting some time off from work!) I miss being a kid at Christmas. There was so much innocence and joy about it. Yes, as a kid, it certainly was about the gifts, but it was the one time of year that it seemed anything was possible! In addition, kids don't usually have the means to just buy whatever they want, whenever.

Usually.

The gifts have begun to mean less and less to me over the years. It's actually freeing to think of just spending time with family on Christmas, without gifts, without the hassles of shopping, without worrying about paying your credit card bill in January, and the feelings of guilt when someone gives you a gift and you haven't gotten anything for them. I bought stuff for my wife, of course, and the dogs, and I am looking forward to giving out gifts this year, more so than receiving anything. When I tell her to not get me anything, I actually mean it (even though know she's getting me stuff anyway).

Living in south Florida, it's pretty easy to have the holiday season come and go without notice. A lot of people put lights up and other decorations, but it's still not the same as up north. I'd say this time of year is really the only time I miss the winter and the cold weather. Plus, the people down here don't exactly emote holiday cheer.

<-----"Merry Christmas, asshole! Give me your parking space NOW"

Christmas music has usually been a huge part of the Christmas season for me, too. I've enjoyed putting together my Christmas playlist, or trying to find wacky Christmas tunes, or cool rock versions or songs by bands I like. This year, I haven't bothered. I know Trine wants to have Christmas music for our drive to my mom's house, so I will have to put something together in the next couple days. Between taking care of Trine, the dogs, working and trying to keep the house in shape, it just hasn't been a priority.

Plus, a couple weeks before Thanksgiving, when I turned on South Florida's only modern rock station, all I heard was awful renditions of Christmas classics. Only then did I realize that the morning DJ I like (Bubba the Love Sponge!) was fired and the station was reformatted. Then I just got sad. It is now "easy listening," whatever that means. Believe me, there's nothing easy about listening to that shit.

This Christmas, what I really look forward to just spending time with Trine, the pups and my family; having dinner and talking about all the hopes for 2011, which for me, will include the birth of my first child (What, me daddy?) and hopefully beating Donkey Kong Country Returns & Super Mario Galaxy 2 for the Wii.

I think having a new baby will give me reason to be more cheerful next year.

Looking Back, Looking Forward: 2010

2010-01-06T14:13:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone!

(Clint Howard, for no particular reason)

Ok, so I am a few days late. Nevertheless, every year I make it a point to reflect on the year and think about my hopes for the upcoming year. This past year was a rollercoaster and I cannot say I am sad to see it go. This year was a tough year for a lot of people, I think. There was a general feeling of unrest, of something not quite being right. The economy was in shambles, folks lost their jobs, and those with jobs, even crappy ones, were thankful to have a paycheck coming in. I think that a lot of people are glad that 2009 is history. I am sure everyone has their own take on 2009. Everyone reading this has their own highlight reel and their own hopes for 2010. Here are mine:

Highlights of 2009

· Though Trine and I were married in December 2008, 2009 was our first year of marriage. On August 1, 2009, our episode of Wedding Day aired and it was amazing to see the show for the first time and relive our wedding with all of our friends and family, including those who could not attend. (Pictured: Trine, guitar god Yngwie Malmsteen, myself).

· Trine was accepted in Florida International University’s inaugural class for the Herbert Wertheim College of Medicine. I am so proud of her. Sorry for the cliché, but she is truly following her dream. Ever since we met in late 2006, Trine’s dream was to attend medical school and be an amazing doctor. She has already accomplished the first part, and I know she will fulfill the second. Her compassion and intelligence are two of her greatest assets. Plus, she will be making mad cash! Woohoo! Daddy wants a recording studio!

· In September, Trine and I bought a house. It took six long months, and two lost houses, but we finally landed a nice 3/2 in west Broward County. It was bank owned property, but was left in decent condition. We have updated the appliances, repainted the walls and put a lot of hard work (along with loads of help from my mother and Bill). Our next goal is to turn the mess of a backyard they left us with into our own little paradise. This time next year, we hope to have a new lawn, stripper pole, refurbished grill and some nice outside furniture. We’ll keep you posted on the backyard BBQ’s. And the stripper pole. Wait...Trine said no stripper pole.

· My health has been great this year. I had a brief, minor rejection episode in March 2009, but that is about it. I am proud to have realized my goal of getting back to the gym and regaining my pre transplant physique and strength. I have rediscovered the dedication and drive to be successful in the gym. I am so happy to be able to workout again.

Me lift weights. Me drink protein shakes. Me strong. You weak like little girl.

· Lastly, but certainly not least, Trine and I made two additions to our family of puggles. We picked up Isabel (Izzy) in March 2009. She is our only female dog, and is a total nutcase. She is also the sweetest little daddy’s girl. In November 2009, we adopted Pudge, a five year old puggle whose family abandoned him after being foreclosed on. Pudge has some food and toy protection issues, but he just wants to be loved. It’s been an adjustment period for the all the dogs, but with time I think they will all get along fine. And we're done with dogs. Seriously.

Looking Forward: 2010

I do not make resolutions. They come with a lot of pressure and leave little room for error, which is why they get broken so easily. Then people get discouraged or give up all together, and end up making the same resolutions the next year.

Instead, I make goals. My goals for 2010 include:

· Improving budgeting skills (lotto)
· Keep the house cleaner (french maid)
· Decrease anxiety/stress (drugs)
· Fix up the yard (arson)
· Beat Super Mario Bros. Wii (cheat)
· Continue writing music (boy band)

In February, as part of Wedding Day TV show, I will be on a 3 ½ day pass to Rock n’ Roll Fantasy Camp in Hollywood, CA where I will write, jam and perform with musicians and rock stars alike, such as Sammy Hagar, Kip Winger and Gary Hoey. I am hoping to meet Vince Neil of Motley Crue, too! My buddy Beau is gonna come along. When 2/3 of Radium Therapy get unleashed on Hollywood, craziness will ensue.

While, as I said, I do not make resolutions, I do view the New Year as a starting over period. I look forward to strengthening some of my weaknesses. Like many of you, I want to make 2010 a better year than 2009 was. Happy New Year everyone!

I Mention Tiger Woods, but This Blog is not About Tiger Woods

2009-11-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

“I need hot meat” – Old lady at Burger King, whose burger was given to her cold.

And as I stood there in Burger King somewhere along 1-75 waiting for my order, and trying to not to laugh on loud at the old woman, I wondered if there would come a time where an utterance like that would not be funny to me? Where I could pass the Walmart isle and see the packet of “cock flavored soup” and not laugh. (Seriously). One day would I declare, “I want hot meat between my buns” at Burger King, and not see anything dirty about it, the double entendre blissfully escaping me. At what age does that kind of stuff go over your head? Or maybe, there are those who are just better at hiding it. Some folks might fancy themselves above snickering at a dirty pun or the old meat loving lady. I am pretty positive I will never be that person. My mind is in the gutter about 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time I am asleep.

The difference between the 29 year old me and the 10 year old me in this regard is I've learned the appropriate times to let the silly side of me out. A conference call at work is not the time to tell the latest raunchy joke, whereas a a get together with friends (or a blog, perhaps) is the perfect time to get rowdy, tell some off color jokes and remind yourself that's OK to laugh at silly shit. Maturity comes with being able to know when it's OK to be a little immature. There's nothing wrong with letting fun, ridiculous side of yourself out. There have been more than a few times where I have felt part of me is forgetting how to laugh and have fun with life. Growing up does not have to mean growing angry and bitter. So next time life's kicking your ass and you feel you're taking life too seriously, just remember, "I neet hot meat."

Nuts about Trucks!

Hey, so what’s the deal with fake testicles hangin’ off of trailer hitches on vehicles? I have seen these for years and each time I think so myself “Why?” What is the point of this? And why just the balls? Why not have the shaft hangin’ off the back of your truck? Or in your review mirror, that way you can see it. What about the front of the vehicle? How about a set of boobs stuck snugly to your grill...better yet, over your headlights. Isn’t “headlights” a slang for boobs anyway? Anyhow, I understand trailer hitches can be unsightly, but balls? seriously? I'd much rather look at a trailer hitch than fake metal saggy nuts. Neuter your trucks, folks.

Ok, time to be serious. World Hunger, the economy, education, war, health care reform, and puppies.

Now, that we’re over that.

Committed to Helping You Cheat

Have you seen these ads or heard the radio commercials for AshleyMadison.com? I know I should not be surprised at this kind of crap, but I was blown away. Basically, AshleyMadison.com is a dating website for married folks. It provides a safe online environment where those looking to have an affair can meet other spineless idiots who also wish to cheat on their spouses. Since Tiger Woods is getting dropped by many of his sponsors, perhaps AM.com can pick him up? It's a thought.

The douche bag who runs the site claims he does not advocate adultery, and is only providing a service. Since it is inevitable that people are going to cheat, why not provide a place for them to do it without all the hassle of office affairs, hookers, etc? I get where he is coming from. I am not naive. Fifty percent of marriages fail and adultery is an all-too common thing. (In fact, there are over 3.8 million members of this website. That is staggering!) However, their ads contradict that philosophy. Their ads specifically advocate cheating. “Life is short. Have an affair.” That has more of a ring to it than “If you’re going to do it, do it safely and discretely." The commercial depicts two good looking people wearing next to nothing, kissing and says something to the effect of “These people are married…..but not to each other.” The logo depicts a wedding ring as the “o” in “com”, which then falls flat. The only upside is that AshleyMadison.com is a pay site, which may detract casual philanderers. I guess if you’re going to use AshleyMadison.com, you have to be committed…to cheating.

The CEO is a married man with 2 kids. I can’t imagine the woman that stands behind a husband that openly advocates adultery and says that cheating is our DNA. Self esteem issue perhaps? He says that we put too much emphasis on sex/monogamy within the marriage. Try going home and presenting that argument to your wife as a reason for fooling around on her, fellas. I am sure she will be putting some emphasis on divorce papers. I'll bet when you're living in a one bedroom efficiency apartment sending her half your income each month, you'll wonder if it was worth it. I know some folks don’t believe in marriage, and think monogamy is not natural. So if you believe that, why get married in the first place? If you want a variety of partners, then don’t get married, or better yet, be a porn star. But please, don’t make this shitstain richer than he already is.

Anyhow, my next blog will be my look back at 2009 and hopes for 2010!

New Blog (in progress)

2009-10-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a fun equation for you: Jon & Kate + 8 - Jon = Kate + 8 - 8 - Kate = More time for shows about cake.

However, if you're a fan of reality shows about people with too many children, I read that Octomom is getting her own reality show. It will be called "Octomom + 14 – Personal Responsibility + California Tax Payer's Money.

I also want to make a shout out to my college buddy Jon Gosselin who, by coincidence, has the same name as Jon of "Jon + Kate", and has received hate mail from a confused Florida resident. While I sympathize, I gotta say, if Floridians are writing hate mail, at least they're not driving, and that's good for everyone!

Digital Cameras at a Steal!

Rental car company contracts come with the disclaimer that they are not responsible for items that are lost or stolen while the car is in your possession. What I failed to realize is that this apparently gives them a right to steal from you and hide behind their words. This happened to me a few months back when I rented a car. I left my digital camera in the back seat. The camera case was black, the interior was black and I was in a hurry. I admit error. However, about 30 minutes after dropping the car off, I realized my camera was gone.

I immediately called the rental company and was told that they found a camera matching my description and would be sending it to Boston where their Lost and Found is based. I was given the name of a woman who I was to contact and she would send my camera back to me once it arrived in Boston. The problem is that it never arrived. Upon follow up, I learned that she got some rinky dink disposable, but not my camera. I was told there was nothing they could do and they were not responsible for my lost camera. I am positive they found it and just kept it because they could. Unfortunately, I had to catch my flight and did not have the time go back and retrieve my camera. Even more unfortunately, my flight ended up being delayed for a couple hours and I could have easily gotten my camera had I known this ahead of time.

Next time you’re renting a car, please be careful. There is no guarantee you will get your item returned to you, even if they do have a lost and found department…especially if it is with Dollar Car Rental. Goddamn thieves.

The House

I own a house. My pups have a yard. I am building equity. I bought an 8' foot ladder. I have a lawnmower. I installed stainless steel hardware on my cabinets. I have a mortgage. I have to pay for water! I have been to Home Depot about 100 times in the last 3 weeks. I have primer on my hands right now. There are about 900 shades of beige exterior paints. A bedroom must have a closet in it to be considered a bedroom. I own hurricane shutters. I know what a backsplash is. I care about tiles. I watch HGTV. To be continued....

Rabies, baby!

I watched the movie Quarantine a couple months back and I was telling my buddy about it. He remarks, “Yeah, I saw it. It makes you really think twice about rabies.” So I wondered, twice? What was your first thought about rabies?

Before: Yeah, rabies are ok.
After: Oh wait. No.

Letter to my Donor Family

2009-10-20T13:15:00.000-07:00

I wrote this letter a few days ago and it is being sent to the donor family via the agency that procured the liver that was transplanted. I do not know my donor family or the donor, other than it was a 19 year old local male. Perhaps the family will respond to my letter and I can learn more about my donor, or perhaps not. I just felt it was important to finally reach out and thank the family.

Dear Donor Family,

My name is Ryan. I am a 28 year old man and the recipient of your son’s liver. I am writing to thank you for making an impossible choice during what has to be one of the hardest moments of your life. I want to thank you so much for making that decision. While I was struggling with my own pain, my own fight to live, you selflessly chose to donate your son’s organs, and it’s hard to express how much good you brought to the world by that decision, not only for me, but for the others who benefited.

I was born with a rare liver disorder called Biliary Atresia. I was treated as an infant and went on to have almost 27 years of great health. In 2007, I began showing symptoms of secondary biliary cirrhosis, including jaundice (yellowing of skin and eyes) itching, fatigue, recurrent infections with fevers, inability to digest many foods, and more. By December, I was on the waiting list for a transplant. I waited for six months and consider myself very fortunate. Many people do not get the transplants they need and die waiting.

Your gift allowed me to not only have my health back, but get my life back. Since the transplant, I have married and bought a house. (My wife is also a transplant recipient.) I realize none of those things would have been possible if not for you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generosity. Believe me when I say that I never, ever lost sight of how difficult this must have been for you. I have never lost someone so close to me and cannot imagine the grief you felt. Now, over a year later, I am sure that the pain is still fresh. Through your gift, something positive came out of all the sadness.

My promise to you is that I will not take this second chance for granted. I do not drink alcohol or do drugs. I feel a responsibility to you, your son and all those who were devastated with the loss, to not squander the opportunity that I have been given. You are certainly not obligated to write me back, but I think of your family often, even though I do not know you. Please know that even if I never hear from you, I will never forget what you have done for me.

Sincerely,

Ryan

Transplant Blog Part 4: My Second Surgery (October 2008)

2009-01-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

At the end of October, and just days after a good friend of mine had a full on seizure in my living room, I was back in the hospital for another Cholangiogram. My labs over the past few weeks had shown in increase in my key liver enzymes, which meant possible blockages. They had already done another liver biopsy, ruled out rejection and given me a dose of steroids for good measure. The Cholangiogram went fine, though it did show blockages, which the doctors relieved through ballooning the bile ducts as usual. After each cholangiogram, it is standard to be monitored for an additional two hours. For me, this was usually an uneventful two hours. However, this time, my temperature spiked, tremors came over me, and I began to vomit. I think I remember asking, "what the hell did they do to me?"

I was admitted to the hospital, submitted blood work, and waited for the doctor's conclusion. The next day, a Tuesday, Dr. Tzakis informed me that he was going to surgically fix my bile ducts, since simply ballooning them was not working. This surgery would take place the next day. I was nervous, a little upset about having my nicely healed incision cut open a second time, but all around optimistic that this surgery, which was minor and the doctors could do in their sleep, would put an end to waking up in the middle of the night with fevers, sweats and stomach pains. My state of mind was much improved over my last hospital stay.

It is interesting to hear Trine's viewpoint regarding this last surgery. She was terrified that this surgery would be like my original Kasai procedure when I was a baby in that it would be a temporary fix and a bridge to a second liver transplant. She asked the doctor point blank what my chances were, post op, and he was confident that it would work out just fine.

The surgery went well, and they removed a lot of scar tissue from around my bile ducts, which is said to be the cause of the strictures. Even my aforementioned hepatic artery (see Part 3) had good flow, so the scar tissue may have been responsible for that was well. I was incredibly sore and the pain associated with recovery seemed more intense and vivid than with my transplant. They gave me morphine, which caused me to vomit and did not do much for the pain. So, I was reacquainted with my good friend, dilaudid, but only for a few days until his well meaning, but annoying cousin percocet showed up. Soon, I was all but off pain meds.

Walking is one thing the docs always bugged me about after abdominal surgery. It was imperative that I get out of bed and walk around to heal, prevent sores, and it is good for mental health as well. They also ask a lot about farting. Seriously. They needed to make sure that my bowels were in check so every once in a while a doc would pop in and ask the status of my ass. I had not eaten for almost five days, so I did not exactly have a whole lot of fuel to burn. By the end of the week, I was walking laps around the Transplant floor and farting away. Life was good…until—actually, it's still pretty good.

Life has been nice since the surgery, with a few minor hiccups. My liver enzymes peaked a bit so the docs put me on a higher dose of anti-rejection medication and reinstated the steroid. The anti-rejection meds were causing major stomach irritation for a while, so I had to make some adjustments regarding the acid reducing medication I was on, but otherwise, it's all good.

I am seven months post transplant.

Transplant Blog Part 3: 30 Days at Jackson

2009-01-01T16:31:00.000-08:00

In July, I decided to attend my friend Derek's wedding. He was one of 5 friends who were married this year and his wedding was the only one that I was able to attend. I flew to Connecticut, even though I had just began experiencing stomach pains and did not know what to attribute them to. I fought threw the stomach aches and actually managed to have a great time at Derek's wedding.

That Sunday, I flew to Pittsburgh to join Trine, who was participating as an athlete in the Transplant Games. As soon as I arrived, things began to seriously go downhill. I began spiking high fevers at night and waking up with profuse sweating. During the day, my stomach was settled enough for me to enjoy the events, though I was beginning to take on a slight yellow tinge again. We were scheduled to leave on Wednesday evening, but I could not wait that long. My stomach was killing me, my temperature was soaring and I knew something was terribly wrong, though I was not sure exactly what. A couple we met at the Games was kind enough to change our flights so that Trine and I could fly home to Miami together, and from there we went straight to Jackson Memorial Hospital, despite my fever breaking on the trip home.

When I arrived, my health got worse. I was still getting fevers every night, despite the antibiotics. I had almost daily ultrasounds and through these we got the news that one of my hepatic arteries had collapsed and there was next to no flow through it. The doctor said there were a few possible ways things could play out: 1) the other arteries would pick up the slack, 2) surgery would needed to repair the down artery or (and this is what really took it's toll on my mental health during this stay) 3) I would have to be re- transplanted or possibly die. Oops.

The idea of being re-transplanted began to eat away at my mental stability. The thought of having to repeat all the necessary tests to be placed back on the transplant list was overwhelming, not to mention the waiting. I began to withdraw from friends and family. I would avoid taking phone calls because either nothing was changing or things had gotten worse, and I was tired of telling everyone that. I cut way back on eating and drinking and did not get out of bed and walk nearly enough. The few times I did, it was after heavy cajoling by Trine or my mother. The doctors suggested some psychiatric help, including medication, and I consulted with Trine and my family, but concluded that adding more medication to the mix was not a good idea and I could tough this out. Eventually, my mental health would improve, but that wouldn't be until weeks after my release.

The Infectious Diseases doctors began to brainstorm what could be causing my symptoms. They did a battery of tests and concluded that I may have a rare disease caused by tick bites, and they backed this theory up with my recent visit to Connecticut. I never for a second believed that they were on the right track. I had lived in Connecticut for 26 years and never once was bitten by a tick. The blood tests were not supporting their theories, either, though they did reveal bacteria in my blood. This theory was later dismissed.

The cause of my illness turned out to be very simple: Cholangitis, or strictures in the bile ducts, which limited the flow of bile and caused back up. It was the same issue that I had been having for over a year, on and off. Once the doctors began treating me for Cholangitis, then things improved quickly. I went to Radiology and they preformed a minor procedure called a Cholangiogram. They injected dye into my abdomen to visualize the path of flow and then ballooned the bile ducts so that the bile would be able to flow freely. I was sent home with a long catheter sticking out of my abdomen attached to a bag to catch the excess bile drainage. It was not pretty, but it was necessary, and effective. I also had a follow up appointment to get another Cholangiogram. I ended up having weekly Cholangiograms and the catheter for about 5 weeks.

I was in the hospital for a month…from July 16 through August 14. I watched Michael Phelps win 8 gold medals, Manny Ramirez leave the Red Sox for the LA Dodgers and the Dark Knight blow up at the box office. I was released on August 14 around 8:30pm and the first thing Trine and I did was grab some frozen yogurt and go see the 10:15 showing of The Dark Knight. Surely, this would be the end of the insanity and I could finally begin to enjoy my new liver and get back to good health. Close, but not quite.

Looking Back, Looking Forward: New Year's Eve 2009

2009-01-01T16:22:00.000-08:00

Today is December 31, 2008. This is my bittersweet goodbye to a year that has changed my life forever. I spent a good portion of 2008 (just about 10 months) either sick, in the hospital, or at home recovering from surgery, my head swimming in a mix of pain medication and uncertainty. I got my liver transplant, my new chance at a healthy life, only to have severe rejection, ongoing bile duct issues, fevers, vomiting, and finally a second surgery which seems to have quieted the chaos. All told, I spent over two months in the hospital. Before I was transplanted, I was months away from dying from liver failure, much sicker than my seemingly healthy exterior belied.

In February, weeks after being released from my first hospital stay of 2008, and during a period of relative health, I proposed to girlfriend, Trine, on the beach in Miami. It was sunset proposal without any sun (oops…sun doesn't set over here) and stubborn candles that refused to stay lit, but amidst the warm breeze and palm tree dotted white sand, Trine said she would be my wife. We celebrated on the beach with music and a bottle of sparkling cider.

Now the hard part: planning a wedding. Then the harder part: paying for it. Our saving grace was a casting call for a new reality show that was looking for a couple tied to organ donation & transplantation that were deserving of their dream wedding. I was in the hospital when we first heard about this contest. Trine convinced me to suck it up, put off pain medication for a few hours, and make a couple videos talking about why WE should be that deserving couple. You would think that me just being in the hospital, sick and bordering on depression, would make us a natural pick, but ironically, the show wanted to be sure that my health would NOT be an issue and prevent us from getting married should we actually get picked. It was a long shot, and I'd be lying if I said that I was excited about making the videos in the condition I was in, but I knew that I would regret not giving it a try. So I tried to look as healthy as possible and we made a series of videos. Little known fact: Trine totaled her car trying to get our video to Fed Ex by 5 p.m. (not her fault).

So we made our videos, including an update a few weeks later once I was released from the hospital, just to assure the casting director that I was in tip-top shape should we be the lucky couple. Then….nothing. A few months went by with no word.

In October (just shortly after my second surgery), we got a call from the producers of Wedding Day, the new reality show from TNT. We were one of the top 3 couples in line to win a dream wedding! We spent hours filling out surveys and questionnaires, speaking on the phone, making our guest list, and contacting our friends and family about our 33% chance of getting picked to be married on national television. Sometimes, we were really positive about our chances, while other times the producer would use the word "if" and we would get discouraged and wonder if something this good could happen to us.

In mid-December, we got the news! We had won our dream wedding!!! Trine and I embraced, and shed a few tears of happiness. Then….well, I cannot really divulge much else due to confidentiality agreements. I would love to post pictures and give all the amazing details of the week leading up to our incredible wedding, I cannot do so until our show airs in summer 2009. Those who were attendance know what a great time the wedding was. Mr. and Mrs. Ryan and Trine Labbe cannot wait for all our episode to air so we can relive the experience. I would also like to thank all our friends and family who worked their asses off to make our wedding happen.

Liver Transplant
In May 2008, I received the gift of life from an unknown donor. Throughout the past seven months it has been a lot easier to focus on my health issues than to sit and really think about how I came to receive my transplant. Unfortunately, a young man had to die. I know very little about my donor, as is standard. All I know is it was a local man whose family made a tough decision in the face of their tragedy. I want to take this opportunity to thank them, even though we do not know each other. Perhaps one day we will know each other and I can thank them in person, like Trine got the opportunity to do with her donor family earlier this year. Her donor sister, Keisha, was a bridesmaid in our wedding. For now, as cheesy as it sounds, I feel as if I owe it to my donor family to make a good life for myself, a life that I would not have if it were not for their generosity. I need to show them, and myself, that their son's death was not in vain.

Please read my Transplant blogs (parts 1 through 4) for my account of the past year and half.

Wilson
One day, while at the dog park with our puggle Niles, Trine and I got to talking about how happy Niles would be if he had a friend to play with all the time. He was so good with other dogs, and we knew that having another dog would give Niles a regular outlet for his energy, alongside our daily walks and trips to the dog park . "I would not get another puggle," Trine said. So, Trine got online and began looking for medium sized dogs, perhaps a Boston Terrier. I heard an "awww" from the other room and saw the face of a tiny little puggle on the computer screen. We both agreed he was adorable and still available for purchase. We scooped up Niles and headed to the pet store with the outward intention of "just looking" but we both knew that this dog was ours, assuming he hit it off with Niles.

When we got to the pet store, the puggle was there waiting for us. We had the clerk put us all in a little play area and the little puggle, who we named Wilson per our discussion in the car, began wagging his curly little tail and licking my face. Niles gave little Wilson kisses and then tried to mount him. Wilson snapped and barked at him. Niles would not trying mounting Wilson again for months. Little Wilson did not take any crap from Niles, but the two got along great. We took Wilson home and welcomed him into our family. Today, the two dogs wrestle constantly, make a lot of noise, eat at our carpets sometimes and chew the crap out of any stuffed toys they get their paws on. But they are the greatest dogs and I love them very much.

Goals for 2009
I have high hopes for the coming year. I just joined a gym, have worked out twice, but know that to accomplish my goals and get back in the shape I was two years ago, it is going to take a lot of work, and certainly more than going to the gym a couple times a month.

My music has suffered throughout the year, as well. Before I moved to Miami, I had played my first two solo acoustic shows and it was thrilling. In 2009, I aim to get back to writing, recording, and playing music.

Being out on disability was hard on all fronts, including financial. In 2009, I aim to improve my money management skills and chip away my credit card debt. I also aim to borrow more money than I need from a major money lending institution, with no real means to pay it back, and send our economy into a downward spiral hahaha…wait…oh, right.

I am a husband now, and though Trine and I do not have children, we consider our dogs part of the family. Trine's dream to go to medical school may be realized very soon and it will be a happy, yet challenging part of our lives. In my vows to her, I promised to help her "shoulder our challenges" and will do that. I want our first year of marriage to be amazing. We've already outlasted Britney Spears' first marriage and, in just three days, we will have outlasted Eddie Murphy's recent nuptials.

Now, I have a new wife, new puppy, new liver and finally…a new year. Here's to hoping 2009 holds all the joy of 2008 with none of the pain, hospitalizations or Sarah Palin.

Cell phone or Vibrator?

2008-10-02T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

Is it just me or are cell phone names sounding a little dirtier these days. Perhaps it is just my mind being half in the gutter at any given time, but I can't help chuckle when I see cell phone commercials days. I mean, it is no secret that cell phone companies fuck you...So, please play my little game below.

CELL PHONE? OR VIBRATOR?

Glyde
Dare
Blue Dolpin
Misty
Curve
Sea Horse
Instinct
Pearl
Rabbit
Anal Slider (ok, this one's a free bee)
Touch
Duo

Happy chatting!

Liver Transplant 2008: Part 2: Rejection Blues!

2008-09-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

Rejection Blues! (May 29, 2008 to July 13, 2008)

To provide a little perspective, in 1984, my fiancee Trine was transplanted and was released from the hospital in Pittsburgh three months later. I was transplanted in May of 2008 and was released in three days. That was not a record, but close to it. Also, I was released with the least amount of medication that the nurse had ever seen. I thought that maybe I would pull through this liver transplant as easily as the doctors had predicted. Wrong.

My first night at home was incredibly rough. It was near impossible to find a comfortable position to sit or lay in. The closest I got to acceptable comfort was reclining back on our sofa. Because the muscles in my abdomen were shredded due to the surgery, my back had to pick up a lot of slack. Because of that, the pain in my back was pretty intense during those first few weeks following my transplant. The first night home, I slept four hours, had horrible nightmares, awoke frequently covered in sweat and kept Trine up a good portion of the night with my moans of pain and discomfort. Admittedly, I do not deal with pain very well and can be, for lack of a better word, whiny.

Upon taking my temperature, I confirmed that I had a fever. I was prescribed an antibiotic and told to contact my transplant coordinator if things did not improve. The next night was better, but that was not saying much. Just a day and a half later, on Thursday, I was rushed to the ER with a temperature of 104 degrees. Jackson Hospital is a fine facility and their transplant program is amazing; however, if you have ever had to go to their ER….I am sorry. It is awful. There I was, on a gurney, in a three feet (maybe) wide space, breathing 104 degree air back onto my face because I still had to wear a protective mask at that point. Finally, they drew blood, had me piss into a cup and rushed me off to get an ultrasound.

I was rushed to my ultrasound by one of the most obnoxious nurses I have encountered yet. First off, she bossed Trine around. Secondly, she tapped my stomach and incision fairly hard before even asking what I was in the hospital for. Lastly, she preached at me. It is no secret that I am not keen on having people talk religion at me, but if ever there was a worse time. She told me that some guy was hosting a healing retreat somewhere in central Florida and "there was a whole lot of healing going on" and I should go. My first thought was that if having money in my wallet was considered an illness, I am sure he would heal me very quickly. Then I thought about how my transplant surgeons would feel about me opting for some quack healing ceremony versus life saving surgery. I am not trying to shit on anyone’s beliefs, but I could not think of a more inappropriate time to be pushing her views on me. Plus, the hospital had not even let me take my anti-rejection meds and I was due over an hour ago. Needless to say, I was in a foul mood.

Later that night, things began to improve. The fever broke and I was given a bolus of steroids that made me feel a lot better. However, it was also made everything I ate or drank that night taste like metal. Nasty. I was treated for a mild case of rejection. When Dr. Tzakis came in, he spoke of the possibility of another surgery if it turned out o be my bile ducts that were the issue. Thankfully, no such surgery was necessary. I was released on Saturday after daily doses of anti rejection medication. Certainly this would be the last hurdle on my road to recovery, or perhaps my last hurdle on my track to recovery. Best not to mix metaphors, even when they suck. You get the idea, though.

Saturday night, I noticed a lighter reddish-orange stain on my shirt. My incision was leaking a little bit. I did not think much of it and changed my shirt. The leaking worsened. I piled gauze and/or small towels over my incision to absorb the fluid, but it was of little help. Thankfully the fluid remained reddish-orange, not green, which would indicate an infection. I called my transplant coordinator and she advised me to go to the transplant floor and see the doctor. By the time I got over there, the leaking was so bad that it was soaking through my shirts in minutes. The doctor (with Trine’s assistance) applied an external ostomy bag to catch the drainage.

I had labs Monday morning and was feeling pretty good. I was sore, but began packing up my clothes for our big move to our new apartment which was set for the next week. I got a call mid afternoon from my transplant coordinator. As good as I felt, my labs showed a different picture and I was advised to check into the Transplant floor ASAP where a bed would be waiting. This is when things got bad.

When I was readmitted, I had a liver biopsy. While they were waiting for the results, I turned bright yellow. My bili went from 5 to 19 in one day due to my second bout of organ rejection. They eventually got me on thymoglobulin, an anti-rejection medication normally used for kidney patients but recently approved for trial on liver patients. This was a day and a half later. I began being treated for severe, no longer mild, rejection. I was given many doses of anti-rejection medication. I was pre-medicated with tylenol and benadryl to counteract the rough side effects of the anti-rejection medication, namely Thymoglobulin.

I was hospitalized a total of two weeks and during that time received many doses of pain medication, including one called Dilaudid. One thing you should know about Dilaudid: it is awesome. Another thing you should know is that it has some ugly side effects. During one hospitalization prior to my transplant, immediately upon receiving Dilaudid, I threw up. This would happen a number of times in the future. One time, as soon as I was dosed, I began itching uncontrollably. Another time, I ended up in the ICU, but to be fair it was mostly due to internal bleeding from the doctors accidentally nicking something during a procedure that day. Yet another fun side effect of Dilaudid is that your intestines back up due to your system slowing down from the medication. What particularly sucked about that is that not only was I denied medication, but I was also made NPO, which means no food or drink. Fuckin’A!! I received a lesson in Pain Medication 101 from a doctor one night during my hospitalization. They were trying to wean me off of pain meds, specifically of the IV variety, so naturally I was in a lot of pain. I did not like this, but did my best to understand. She told me that sometimes the body gets so dependent on the pain medication that it creates pain and the best thing to do is tough it out, or at least try a medication of lesser impact. Now, I will not go so far as to my call myself addicted to pain medication, but I will admit there have been moments where I have requested pain meds when I probably could have gone without them. The problem with Dilaudid as that while the calm washes over you and any pain (and lucidity) you have seems to slip away, it does not last very long. In the meantime, it has harmful effects on your body, as described above. It is best not to use over an extended period of time.

I wish I could remember every procedure that I had done over the two weeks. I got three liver biopsies and almost daily ultrasounds to monitor the blood flow in my liver and status of my rejection. I also had a few special procedures, such as chest x-rays and MRIs. The most upsetting occurrence would be when I was given pain meds, started to fall asleep and then would be yanked awake to go to a procedure. Being relaxed in a hospital is relatively rare thing and I tried to take advantage of those moments so it was especially upsetting to have those little moments of peace taken away.

Aside from pain medication and various procedures, another major part of my recovery was (and is) exercise. I began walking laps around the floor, mostly with the help of Trine or my mother. I was not always a wiling participant. I still had the staples in my incision and I tended to list forward, which caused more undue stress on my back. I had to remember to walk with with my head and back straight. By the end of my stay, I was making the rounds alone and with much better speed. I was a walkin' machine.

A little over a week into my stay, I got hold of my mother’s laptop computer. This was a turning point for me mentally. I finally was able to reach out to my friends and let them know I was doing Ok, as well as receive communications. I was able to check my email, listen to new music as well as watch DVDs. Law and Order: SVU kept me sane for those weeks inpatient. It was also during this stay that I received many cards from friends, which also helped to make my recovery more enjoyable. Thank you again to everyone who sent me cards during these months of recovery. They have meant so much. Do not take lack of thank you cards (my hands were, and still are, a bit swollen) as a lack of appreciation.

Now as if going through life-threatening organ rejection is not bad enough, I also had a bad roommate experience. The guy was nice enough (a kidney transplant patient) but he was on the phone all the time. No exaggeration. From dawn to dusk. I could hear his phone conversations more clearly than someone sitting on my side of the room talking to me. He was loud and his voice projected. He was a preacher and apparently called each member of his congregation as well has held prayer meetings via phone. Plus, on his TV, he tuned into all those preaching shows with guys yelling to audiences about the fiery consequences of pre-marital sex and listening to the hip hop. Not to mention, “Wearing Satan’s underpants.” I swear to you, that is an actual quote. I am not sure what he was talking about, but that got my attention.

Anyhow, I was happy when he left and Pedro, another kidney recipient, became my roommate. He was a really nice guy, around my age, and we talked and got to know each other over the few days leading to my discharge on Friday, June 13. I left the hospital weighing 140 lbs, 45 lbs lighter than a year ago at the time I became ill. I was optimistic, looking forward to recovery, thinking that this would surely be my last hospital stay. Wrong again.

Liver Transplant 2008: Part 1 (Intro, Pre Transplant and The Call)

2008-08-31T19:33:00.000-07:00

Introduction

I am writing this blog for a few reasons. The first is simply as a release for me. Trine was concerned that I do not have an outlet for my feelings and it has affected my moods, especially over the past weeks, which included a one-month stay in the hospital. She is right. My fingers are still numb from the swelling that happened because of all the IVs and blood draws in the hospital, so guitar playing is tough right now. I only have a couple people down this way that I consider friends and I haven’t been very social lately. Until yesterday, I had not done any exercise or anything to make myself physically stronger. I am certainly glad to now have that outlet. Last but not least, I haven’t done any writing since my transplant. I need this. While I had a relatively easy pre-transplant road, things have not gone as smoothly as hoped since my surgery. I will get into that a little later.

The second reason I chose to write this blog is to let my friends and family know what I’ve been going through on a deeper level. Some of this will be redundant, while other bits will probably come as a surprise.

Lastly, to all the people on Liver Families, especially the parents whose children are going through similar situations but are too young to adequately voice their feelings: I want you to know some of the thoughts and feelings that your child may be feeling. I want to get my thoughts down on paper while they are all still relatively fresh. It won’t all be pretty, but I am being honest.

Pre-Transplant

I won’t spend too much time on pre-transplant life because I have already written about it. I got sick last July. I thought that my liver just gave up on me after 26.5 good years, though looking back I could see that I had slowly been getting sick since 2000, my only visible symptom a small dash of yellow in the corner of my eyes. If you weren’t looking for it, you likely would not see it.

I was at the gym on a Saturday morning working out heavy when I began to feel…off. By the next day, I am laid up in my bedroom, vomiting, sweating profusely, my skin and eyes highlighter yellow and my head pounding with a ferocious pain unlike any I had ever experienced. Finally, Trine convinced my stubborn ass to get to the Emergency Room. I did and they basically dismissed my symptoms and gave me a pill that they give chemo patients to help reduce the vomiting. The next morning, I took the pill, threw it up immediately, and had my dad drive me back to the Emergency Room. This time, they had the foresight enough to call my GI doc and I was admitted to another hospital. I spent eight days in the hospital, felt much better, but it turned out my doctor did not know what had gone wrong and they had put a band aid on my symptoms, but by no means did they heal me.

Over the next few months, which included a move to Florida, things progressively got worse. My bilirubin (the amount of bile in my blood) continued to fluctuate, as did my shade of yellow. At times, my liver refused to break down protein and I got very sick. My symptoms included stomach pains, fevers, sweating, vomiting and generally feeling like shit. This happened probably every couple weeks. I also had a lot of itching, which is a result of the bile salts building up in the blood. By December 2007, I had no hair on my legs below the knees and I had blood stains on my work pants from scratching so hard. Thankfully, the itching calmed down in the new year, though it did not stop totally until I was transplanted. I wound up in the hospital a few times with cholangitis, an infection in my bile ducts. The bile would not flow right and I would end up sick with fevers again. However, for the most part I was able to work full time, feel pretty good and still be high up on the transplant list. When Dr. Tzakis would eventually take out my liver, he remarked that my vessels were “a rats nest” and had I not been called when I was, things would have gone downhill for me very fast. Any doubts to the severity of my condition, if I would get better on my own or if this transplant was really necessary, were put to rest then.

The Call

I got the call on May 23, 2008. I woke up at 7 a.m. and jumped in the shower, planning to wash up, dress and take our dog Niles out for his morning walk/pee/poop. Niles would have to wait that morning. Before I could even begin washing my hair, Trine burst in. “They’re going to call you!” I think I stopped moving for a second. I could barely stop the flow of emotions and thoughts. It didn’t feel real (and wouldn’t for weeks to come). I didn’t know what to do first. I finished up in the shower as fast as I could. When I got out of the shower, the Donor Desk had already called and Trine informed me that I had to be at the hospital for noon. She then began calling her family and friends. I did the same, all while trying to figure out what else I needed to prepare. Trine and I had been over this before, but now that it was real, it seemed to slip my mind and I felt like I was in a fog.

I signed onto my work computer and sent emails to my boss, forwarding various emails she and the team would need to finish up my cases. A part of me felt bad for dumping so much work on them, and would be unable to contribute during busy season, but I had to put those thoughts aside fast; I was getting life saving surgery and that trumped my 9 to 5 for the time being.

Next, I had to prepare myself physically. Trine informed me that I would be shaved from “neck to knees” in order to perform the transplant and suggested I save the time. She ran to Winn Dixie and grabbed 2 tubes of hair removal cream. Yes, this is a little bit embarrassing to admit, but I’m over it. I jumped back in the shower and applied the cream. Basically how it works is that you apply the cream to the areas where you want hair removed and wait until it starts to BURN! Then use the little plastic thingy they give you and scrape the hair off. If you’ve done it right, the hair will come off in clumps and make a huge mess of your shower. Keep in mind, I am still making and taking phone calls at this point, even while in the shower.

After shearing myself, Trine and I checked our “hospital box” to make sure it was complete. This box included maps of the Jackson Hospital area, as well as drinks and snacks. It was more for Trine and my family than me. I couldn’t see myself eating crackers in the too near future. But we had that covered, too. There were a couple containers of Gerber baby food, too. They went uneaten.

Hollywood bound; Open Letter to...

2008-05-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

How's life? Things have been pretty busy on my end. I've been feeling OK. There have been no more trips to hospital as of late, no more fevers and my energy level has been better than usual. It's busy season at work and I've been putting in a lot of hours.

In addition, Trine and I are preparing to move to a new apartment in Hollywood, Florida, about 20 min. from our current residence in Miami. We're really excited, but I'll admit I'm gonna miss some things about our current neighborhood. I'll miss being afraid to walk my dog after dark. I'll miss the crowing of the rooster each morning...and afternoon, for some reason. Certainly, I will miss the man who lives under the bridge. And, yes, I'll even miss calling up Pizza Hut or Papa Johns and being yelled at because I don't speak Spanish and then being delivered the wrong order. Sure, Miami has it's charm. But the new building we're moving into is awesome. It's located the world's largest roundabout in the United States (so wouldn't that make it the world's largest roundabout period?) Either way, it's just a fancy way of saying traffic circle. But in the middle is a great park where Trine and I can walk Niles. The building has some great amenities and is closer to my work and where Trine will be going to graduate school.

So, before I rant and rave like a crazy person again, let me tell you a cool story about my fiancé Trine. As some of you may know, she had a liver transplant at the age of 2. She was Florida's first liver recipient and because transplantation was so new, she recieved a lot of media attention. She's a bit of celeb in the world of transplantation.

Well, it's been over 24 years since her surgery and Trine has never gotten a chance to meet the family of the little girl whose liver she received. She tried over the years to contact them but Tennessee and Pittsburgh Organ Procurement Organizations put up walls and gave Trine the impression that the family had no interest in being in contact.

Just over a month ago after 24 years, Trine gets a message on MySpace from the sister of Amanda, the little girls whose liver Trine received! It turns out the family had tried on numerous occasions to contact Trine. The two have exchanged emails and have become great friends. They hope to meet in the near future.

Trine's experience got me thinking about my future donor family. I know, I know, one step at a time. First get the liver, then recovery and then worry about whether the family will want to know me.

There has been a lot of negative press about organ donation/transplantation lately and I think it's important for people to know about a very positive story. The media rarely has interest in the positive outcomes of transplantation or the many successes. It's also great to see a story of two people connecting via MySpace that doesn't end with rape.

Anyhow, I never knew how much meeting Trine's donor family meant to her until a month ago.

I find it interesting when people get together in a group to protest conformity.

All extremists should be killed.

With things being so busy lately, I've hardly found time to scour the news for stuff to rant about, so instead I've decided to write a few open letters to some people that have pissed me off.

Open Letter to the Guy in the Elevator the Other Day

Hello guy from the elevator. What was that fragrance you were wearing yesterday? It was absolutely breathtaking. And by that, I mean that I could not fucking breathe! Seriously, bro, let's try not to smell like the stink water desk at Macy's. It's pretty arrogant of you to impose your scent upon everyone else just because you forgot to shower or think that chicks dig gagging on CK-One. But I guess choking a girl with your grotesque cologne is a bit more economical than date rape drugs. Good luck at the singles bar, fucko.

Open Letter to Lori Drew

Hi Lori, how are you today? Not so good, I imagine. Going to prison probably isn't what you had in mind when you opened a My Space account in order to find out what Megan was saying about your daughter. And I'm sure you didn't think that you'd eventually be indicted for perpetrating an online hoax and harassing your neighbor's daughter to the point where she hung herself? I'm sorry, hanged herself. That always gets me. From what I understand, this Megan chick was talking smack about your daughter so you pretended to be a boy named "Josh" to gain Megan's trust and find out what she was saying about your daughter. Wow. Then you began harrasing Megan and saying stuff like the 'world would be better off wihtout her.' Then she killed herself. Oops. Kind of ironic because, in actuality, the world will be better off without you. Have fun in prison, fucko.

Open Letter to the Guy Who Got Pulled Over by a Cop in Miami

Hi, there. Wow, how bad of a driver to you have to be to actually get pulled over in Miami? Did you actually have a pedestrian's body still clinging to the hood of your car? I think even that is only a small fine down here. Seriously. What exactly do you have to do to get the attention of a cop in Miami? Let me guess: you were on the cell phone, snorting coke off of a Miami Beach prostitute's stomach, speeding and didn't signal while turning and shooting off a handgun. Have fun at traffic school, fucko.

Ok, folks, gotta get back to packing. I hope this weekend finds you all doing well.

Idol Thoughts, Crime shows and George Lopez

2008-02-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

Hey all!

This may be the last blog I write before my liver transplant. Ok, so I wrote that last time too, but I figure one of these days it will be a true statement. Keepin' my fingers crossedJ Anyhow, this is kind of lengthy, but I have a lot to say this week.

American Idol
Ok, most of you know that I've never cared for American Idol. However, I've actually enjoyed watching some of this season with Trine. There's some legitimate talent and I can appreciate that; however, mostly it's just fun to make fun of the atrocious performances. On a positive note, I'm glad that they've let some of the contestants play instruments. It adds some dimension to their performances and allows for creativity and, dare I say it, originality, which is something that I feel this show has always lacked.

My tips to American Idol hopefuls, present and future:
First off, do not smile while you sing. This goes double if you're a guy. It's the creepiest thing I've seen in the performances thus far. It gives off this "I'm going to crawl through your TV and molest you" vibe that gives me the willies. It also makes you look like a cheesy cruise ship or lounge singer that no one enjoys when not actually on a cruise ship or in Vegas.

Secondly, leave Simon Cowell alone. I don't understand why you blame Simon for being brutally honest. He's saying what everyone else is thinking. Paula Abdul is too medicated to give a coherent opinion and Randy Jackson is too busy figuring out what variation of "dogg" or "dude" he is going to overuse for the evening's episode. If you can't handle Simon, you will never handle fame; therefore you're in no shape to be an American Idol. This is the seventh fucking season of the show. If you don't know that Simon is going to rip you apart if you're bad, then you're a moron. Stop pretending Simon is the bad guy and focus your energy on becoming a better performer.

On a related note, do not argue with the judges. If they say you're performance was bad, accept it. Arguing makes you look desperate, pathetic and weak; three characteristics that will not win you favor with the judges or the people voting at home.

Crime Dramas
Let me preface this with the fact that I love crime drama shows on TV. I love Law and Order (SVU is my favorite), CSI (the original and Miami), NCIS and Criminal Minds. But after watching so many of these shows, there are some things that have struck me as rather odd, funny, interesting, etc.

For instance, whenever the lead detective calls the "lab rat/techie" character and asks them to find information on a suspect in the computer, the techie character always knows how to spell the suspect's name, regardless of how complicated it is. Whether it's John Jones or Vlad Kryscyzhkp, they never have to ask for clarification. I find that interesting. Likewise, the techie can also pull up any bit of information possible on a suspect within seconds. The most ridiculous example of this can be found on Criminal Minds.

Then there are these insanely specific databases that, in all likelihood, do not exist. Forensic pathologist: "Well, I analyzed the trace on the victim's hand and it turned out to be chocolate. I ran the sample through the Confectionary Database. It's a chocolate primarily manufactured in the making of Snickers bars. I then analyzed the chemical composition in mass spectrometer. Turns out, it came from a batch of Snickers bars that was shipped to a bodega on 44th St just last week." Come to find out, our prime suspect, Vlad, works at a bodega on 44th. Holy shit! Case closed.

Well, not quite. See, the first suspect is rarely the killer in any crime show, regardless of how probable it seems. Says the lead detective on the case, "We have fingerprint and blood evidence, plus we have six witnesses who saw Vlad shoot our victim, all while shouting, 'I'm Vlad Kryscyzhkp and I'm shooting this man'. However, seeing that it's only 24 minutes into an hour long episode, we must dig further." Turns out, Vlad's twin brother was framing him. You'll find this out in the dramatic twist at about 55 minutes into the episode.

OR maybe not. Perhaps our friend Vlad is the killer. But his lawyer is going to claim not-guilty-by-reason-of-mental -defect. So you get to spend the rest of the episode watching the trial.

Or, there's a bigger picture. Vlad is the killer and he is NOT mentally ill. But the gun had a faulty trigger mechanism. He was waving the gun around, but never pulled the trigger. So they prosecute the gun's manufacturer. There are really countless scenarios, which is why these shows are so popular and how one franchise can have 2 or more spinoffs. These shows are extremely formulaic, but the formulas work well. I'm hooked. I have been for years. I'll admit to watching the same episodes over and over, though I give myself time to forget the outcome.

No Dumping
Hey, speaking of crime, I'm not sure why this needs to be said, but if you accidentally kill someone, or if they die in your company, do not dispose of the body yourself. Call the police. Getting rid of th ebody yourself is stupid and will make you look 100% guilty. The moron in the Natalie Halloway case claims that he was making out with her and she "just died." So he and his friend dumped her corpse in the ocean. Even if you believe this asshole, you have to admit his story has all the cleverness of Scott Peterson's "I was fishing on Christmas Eve in the bay my wife's body would eventually be found" defense. If this putz had nothing to do with her murder, why not just report it to the police? I know, I know. He was scared. I would be, too. But you know what else is scary? Anal rape. That's why I don't want to go to prison. So rest assured, if someone carcs it in my company, I'm picking up the phone and calling 911.

Why Do I watch Awards shows?
Did anyone catch George Lopez at the Grammys? You may have missed it, like me, you were too busy being vomiting up your dinner upon seeing that coked-up junkie Amy Winehouse win big. Apparently, while she scares away erections, she attracts Grammy Awards. What a disgrace. Apparently the enjoyment of "doo wop style music sung by a British crackhound" was greater than I realized. Long story short, Amy Winehouse sucks and her three awards have only gone to further damage the value of "music" awards. Anyways, I'm sure those awards were sold for drug money within hours of the broadcast.

Anyhow, in Lopez's pathetic attempt to be edgy, he said something to the effect that the United States is the only country in which a black man and white woman can run for president of the United States. Is it just me, or is that statement one of the stupidest things ever to be uttered by anyone?

First off, it's a poor attempt to be edgy. Carlos Mencia sucks at it and so does George Lopez. Just cuz you're Hispanic, doesn't mean you can talk race issues and automatically be funny. Just because you're a minority and can actually get away with being racist, it doesn't mean you don't have to be clever. Look at Dave Chappelle or Chris Rock or George Carlin (yes, I realize Carlin is white). Those comedians have funny, insightful and clever takes on race relations. Carlos Mencia thinks saying "wetback", "beaner," and doing an impression of a retarded person make him hilarious. Yeah, he's funny. Like colon cancer. Lopez isn't much better.

In addition, considering there is only ONE United States of America, it goes without saying that the UNITED STATES is the only country in which ANYONE can run for president of the UNITED STATES. Get what I'm saying? Whatever. Lopez has nothing to do with music so what he was doing at the Grammy's is anyone's guess. Then again, the Grammy's don't have all that much to do with music either. (See above rant).

Ok, I'm done. Enjoy your weekend!

Am I The Only One? Part 6: Vol. 2 (or maybe just Part 7)

2008-02-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hello, sports fans!

Get it? Cuz the SuperBowl was just the other day and...oh, fuck it. I can't hide my disappointment that the Patriots couldn't pull off a perfect season. Nor could I suppress my laughter as Eli Manning tried to sound coherent in his post game interview. I guess we know which Manning brother has the on-camera skills and which one just sounds like a goofy Mississippi mud moose. Miami Dolphins fans are soothing their disappointment over what a horrific season they had this year by the fact that their 1972 team's perfect season record is still in tact. And that's your sports wrap-up.

So basically, I came up with a list of a few more items that leaving me wondering if I'm the only one, hence the title of my blog.

Am I the only one annoyed by these television ads that make is seem like having gray hair is the end of the world? Ok, first off, I do not have gray hair, but I'm pretty sure that gray hair does not make one a social outcast. Secondly, these idiots in these ads look like 25 year olds who've had their heads shoved in the ashes of someone's fireplace. No gray hair on anyone I've ever seen looks that unnatural and stupid. And what about the commercial with the two kids who want their father to be "marketable" again so they give him some hair dye to rid himself of grays. How insane is that? I'm sure those kids are the reason the father has gray hair in the first place. Anyone who's raising such meddlesome brats has got to be at his wits end.

Am I the only one who wonders why homeless people always hang out in the same place? There's a lot of homeless folk down here in Miami and they're always on the same benches day after day. I mean, if you have nowhere to be, why not travel a little bit; try out some new benches or take some walks and meet people.

Am I the only one who thinks that professional athletes should not be allowed to talk on television after a game? I don't think I've ever gleaned anything useful from a post game interview. Then again, interviewers rarely ask an intelligent question in the first place so you can't really expect the athletes' comments to have much value. For example, "So tell me, how did you guys win that game?" Athlete says, "Well, you know what I'm saying, we just went out there and played the best we could, you know? We made passing plays, we made some running plays, and we scored some points, you know? Basically, we just scored more points than the other team, you know?"

Then the interview cuts to the core of the athlete by asking, "How do you feel?" The athlete then pours out his soul: "Good, you know? I feel good. It's a good feeling, ya know, to feel good. It was a good game and we came out feeling good. Good." Ah, well done.

Am I the only one who realizes that regardless of a woman's weight and body type, wearing jeans without back pockets makes her butt look enormous?

Am I the only one who thinks Barack Obama sounds like WWE wrestler turned actor Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? I want to see him get elected president just so he can end his inauguration speech with, "If ya smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell what Ba-ROCK is cookin'!"

Am I the only one who thinks that men who solicit prostitutes should NOT be categorized as sex offenders? There's a huge difference between a guy who diddles a bunch of kids and one who pays some chick in hot pants for a blow job. Soliciting a hooker is essentially a victimless crime. Infidelity is immoral, but it's not illegal and it's certainly no one else's business, aside from the man and his significant other. All the risks associated with paying a woman for sex fall right back on the man, i.e. destroying his marriage (if applicable) or getting a disease.

Ok, back to work.

Am I The Only One? Part 6

2008-02-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

Hey all!

This could very well be the last blog I write before my transplant. I just spent six days in the hospital and hope to get my new liver soon. So, I'm gonna try and get a few things off my chest before the doctors begin routing around inside it. Note: Trine points out that the doctors will be operating on my belly, not my chest. However, no one ever says they have something to get off their belly. Please, folks, humor me.

Am I the only one annoyed by the term 'popping corn'? Seriously, Orville Redenbacher, it's pop corn. No one calls it popping corn anymore except you. And that should tell you something. And I'm ranting to a dead guy. That should tell me something.

Am I the only one psyched about the Super Bowl? Go Patriots!

Am I the only one who cracks up at those Diabetes commercials with Wilford Brimley? Come on! I know I'm not. Diabetes is NOT funny; however, "diabeetus" is just fucking hilarious. You'd think that if you're gonna be the spokesperson for an ailment, you could pronounce it correctly. But I can't complain because I'm thoroughly amused.

Am I the only one annoyed by the Cadillac commercial that asks, "When you turn your car on, does it turn you on?" Are they referring to vibrating heated seats? I need clarification. Regardless, I do not have a Cadillac. In fact, I have a 1996 Toyota Carolla w/ 188K miles on it. There's certainly nothing sexy about that.

Am I the only one annoyed by shows that claim to ask the "tough questions?" No show asks the tough questions. "What was it like kissing Justin Timberlake" is NOT a tough question. Celebrities do not want to answer tough questions. And even when an interviewer does get up the gusto to ask "the questions the world wants to know," it's inevitable that the celebrity in question will have a genius Public Relations team that's crafted 10 different ways to evade the question that will, of course, leave the interviewer with a pounding headache. Then again, when you make your living obsessing over the private lives of celebrities, perhaps you get what you deserve.

On a related note: Am I the only one elated when a member of the paparazzi gets punched in the face or has their camera smashed? Frankly, it doesn't happen nearly enough.

Am I the only one annoyed by blood donation advocates? Ok, lemme explain. I have nothing against blood donation, per se. However, with the blood mobiles come these people who stand outside the blood banks and harass the ever-loving shit out of you. For example, being on the transplant list, I cannot give blood. This is none of their business, yet I feel the need to make excuses because I would donate blood if I could. I do not owe these assholes any explanation, but I can't help feel a bit guilty. Then I just get pissed.

Here's how a typical conversation with one of these leeches goes:

"Don't forget to donate blood today!"
"Maybe some other time."
"How about today?!"
"Another time."
"What? Do you hate helping people?"
"You don't want my blood." (I've actually said this.)
"What? Do you have AIDS or something?"
"No."
"Do you share dirty needles with street folk?"
"No, I just don't want to donate blood today."
"I hope you and your AIDS have fun worshipping Satan and feeding off of the flesh of infants."
"Ok then."

You realize that's a bit of a dramatization, but not by much.

Well, it's Friday morning, I'm working from home, Niles, my puppy, is chillin' by my feet and the sun is shining. It's a good day! And I must reiterate: go Patriots!!!!

Tiger Attacks! Tiger Attacked!

2008-01-18T19:02:00.001-08:00

Breaking News! Bush to send 10,000 American troops to Washington to force economy to get better.

(Just kidding! He'll most likely leave it for the next president to deal with, right along with the Error on Terror in the middle east and the social security debacle.)

Happy New Year, folks! This is my first blog of 2008. Welcome. We've got a lot to discuss.

One sure sign that you're out of shape: You hurt your shoulder taking off your sock. Seriously.

This guy needs to get healthy and back to the gym full-time. I will admit that since I've been sick and waiting for transplant (and not been able exercise regularly) I've sorta let my nutrition go to hell. I've still lost weight, thought it's due mostly to diminished muscle mass. I still joke, however, that you would have to be sick to eat like I eat and NOT gain weight. But hey, if you're looking to lose weight, and aren't lucky enough to have a liver disorder, there's help out there. You could always try Alli weight loss products! Lose 5-10 pounds in six months! Warning: You may also lose 3-4 friends and 5-6 chairs, depending on just how gassy you are, how oily your anal discharge is and how loose and uncontrollable your stools become. Listen folks, wouldn't it be easier to just exercise a bit and eat better? Losing 5-10 pounds over the course of six months, while commendable, is not a feat of the Gods and doesn't seem worth the disgusting side effects.

Ok, onto the good stuff…

Now, I realize I'm supposed to have compassion when a tragedy occurs, for example, when someone gets eaten by a Tiger...on Christmas. Right? So how wrong is it that I think the tiger got the raw deal in this case? By now, you've all read about the attack at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas Day. One kid was killed and two were attacked by Tatiania, the lovable, cute, stripey 350 lb Tiger, who was also killed following the attacks. And true, the fence around the enclosure was four feet below requirement. Oops. That should not be overlooked. Yet, evidence has come to light that the boys were taunting and yelling at the Tiger. And they had been drinking. And smoking pot. So why is it that everyone acts so surprised and appalled when the tiger attacked, as it would in the wild when it feels threatened? It's the same way people act shocked when someone is attacked by a shark…in the water..where sharks live. The tiger was acting on instinct. It was agitated by the boys' idiotic and disrespectful actions, so it attacked.

Now, I'm definitely not one of those people who think zoos are cruel and that animals should not be penned up. I love zoos, but I also have respect for nature, specifically large 350 lb cats that could take my head off with a quick snap of its jaws. I realize that killing Tatiania was probably the only way to subdue the animal and protect the public from further attacks, however I hope that a lesson comes from all this. Ok, two lessons. First, build enclosures to code, especially around dangerous wild animals. But most importantly, respect nature. Nature can be beautiful, but it can also be very dangerous. It's too bad some have to learn the hard way.

Why?
Ok, sometimes I see something and just ask myself 'Why?' In most cases, it's easy to comprehend why people do the things they do, but at times people's reasoning is lost on me. For example, a bank robbery. It's illegal and dangerous, but the motivation is understandable: money, and maybe the sheer thrill of the heist if it's an elaborate Ocean's 11 type scheme. But when I walk into the men's room and head towards my favorite stall (the one furthest from the door, naturally) and see that I cannot use it because someone has stuffed a pound of toilet paper in it, I can't help but wonder 'why?' What's the motivation there? Perhaps someone has a grudge against the maintenance staff.

Phil 'Er Up
Though we're barely three weeks into the new year, a lot crazy stuff has happened. I assume you've heard about the controversy created by Dr. Phil when he barged into Britney Spears' hospital room in an attempt to conduct an intervention, which he planned to air. He scrapped the idea (for now) when critics said he went too far and succeeded in only exploiting Britney Spears for ratings. Shame on Dr. Phil! The irony here is stifling. How can the media accuse someone of exploiting Britney Spears? They all exploit her. She's America's favorite Swamp Trash sweetheart and we can't get enough. It's laughable for the media to even suggest that she's not exploited for ratings on any news program/tabloid TV show on a daily basis. You can't deny it: America feeds off of celebrities and right now we're getting a healthy helping of batshit-crazy baby-dropping redneck au gratin. Eat up!

Other fun stuff:
An Idaho man who claims he saw the biblical 'mark of the beast' on his hand, took a circular saw and cut said hand off. That's bad, but it gets better. He then called 911…but not before microwaving the hand. He had the presence of mind to apply a tourniquet beforeHAND (haha…a pun!) Anyhow, the New Testament contains a passage in which an angel is quoted as saying: "If anyone worships the beast and his image and receives his mark on the forehead or on the hand, he, too, will drink the wine of God's fury." In addition, the book of Matthew contains the passage: "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you whole body to do into hell."

I think it's about time that the Bible gets a preface or a warning label of some sort. People obviously cannot be trusted to read it on their own. Readers Beware: The stories contained herein are not to be taken literally. Do not cut off body parts, sacrifice people/ animals in the name of God, or any other inane shit that will kill you or land you in prison.

Well, that's One Way to Break-Up With Her
In other news involving cooking flesh, a 25 year old man in Texas (go figure) was arrested for killing and cooking his girlfriend. He alerted the authorities of his actions and when asked why he did it he said…drum roll please….God made him do it. Of course. Why not mental retardation? Or post-partum depression? Or the fucking smurfs?! Police say it was unclear if he actually ate any of the cooked flesh, some of which was sitting on a plate on the table when police arrived.

Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden (but not from making stupid comments)
Then there's Kelly Tilghman, some twit on the Golf channel, who made a comment about other how golfers who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should lynch him. Apparently, it was a joke, Tiger Woods isn't upset and the two are actually friends. Well, Tiger shouldn't be upset. He's not even black!! Ok, he's part black. But, if you wanna offend Tiger Woods you gotta do better than that. I imagine something like: "Yeah, they should lynch him. Then burn his Kenny G. Cds, shove an eggroll up his ass and do a rain dance around him." I think that covers his background quite well. But kudos to Tiger Woods for not making a big deal about this. Any other idiot would be out there on the golf course with that dopey troll Al Sharpton and 50 reporters around him demanding an apology,Tilghman's termination and reparations for all the racist comments her family may have made over the last 100 years. People are stupid. Be above it. You could buy and sell that bitch a million times over.

Update:

Ok, and this shit is the brilliant idea of the editor who just got fired from Golfweek for his brilliant idea. What a colossal moron. Though, in his defense, a noose and the game of golf do go together; I know that five seconds of watching golf on TV and I'm ready to slip one of those bad boys around my neck and head for the nearest jumping off point.

Championship Playoffs this weekend!! Go Patriots.
Lots o' Love - Ry

Looking Back, Looking Forward

2007-12-31T13:34:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

It's New Year's Eve and I'm sure many of you are taking a moment to reflect on the past 365 days. If you're like me, you may even have taken some time to jot down your thoughts. Here are some of mine:

2007 was a rollercoaster year for me. Most notably, my health has deteriorated to the point of needing a liver transplant. I've already detailed my issues in past blogs so I'll keep this brief. I was hospitalized in July and have been battling liver failure ever since. I was listed for transplant on December 6, 2007. The past few months have been some of the hardest ever where my health is concerned. Thankfully, I've been feeling pretty good over the past couple of weeks. I hope that feeling continues up until the point I'm transplanted. We shall see.

My illness has been quite an ordeal, but I can't forget about some of the other notable happenings in 2007.

In December 2006, after almost 26 years of living with my family, I finally moved out of the house and was truly supporting myself. I had a decent job, a great apartment with a really cool roommate and had some great times, including many Patriots and Red Sox games on our killer high definition TV.

Speaking of New England sports, 2007 also saw the Boston Red Sox win the World Series for the second time in 4 years! Last night, the New England Patriots completed a perfect 16-0 season! It's a great time to be a New England sports fan.

2007 Fun Fact: I bought my first ipod this year.

In addition, my relationship with Trine grew and what started as a friendship between two people with similar (but different) health issues grew into something much more significant and special than I'd ever imagined. What began as a visit in December 2006 has become a loving relationship, partnership and, most necessary of all, a supportive friendship. I'm writing this blog from Miami, Florida, where most of you know I moved to a few months ago to be with Trine after nine months of phone calls and plane rides. I quit my job in Hartford and was in the process of moving down when I received a phone call and a job offer that I'd been hoping for, making the transition to south Florida a lot easier. Earlier in the year, my mother got a new job in south Florida so my mother, her boyfriend and my brother also moved to south Florida. Having family around has been great, especially given my health issues.

2007 Fun Fact: I ate four buffalo chicken sandwiches in a single sitting.

In August 2007, Trine and I bought Niles, an awesome puggle puppy (his mother was a beagle and his father was a pug). Niles is the sweetest, friendliest and most loving puppy you could ever want to meet. I've always wanted a dog and Trine helped make that dream a reality. Niles is now six months old and doing well. See my pics!

2007 Fun Fact: Alicia Keys' hit song "No One" is awful. Just plain awful.

Also, in 2007, my best friend, Beau, and his wife, moved away to Michigan so he could pursue his career. Though I was already planning to move to Miami, this has put a damper on our 13 years of songwriting. Our acoustic group, Championship Vinyl, is currently on hiatus, but I have no doubts that he and I will collaborate musically again in the future.

Shortly after Beau's move, I played my first solo acoustic show. It had been something I'd wanted to do for a long time, if simply to know that I could. I did and it was a lot of fun. It boosted my confidence in myself a musician. I've only played a couple shows since August due to both my move and illness, but one of my goals over the next year is to play out again.

2007 Fun Fact: Trine gave me the Nintendo Wii for my birthday. Thankfully, no blood was shed in the process.

With all the positives, I can't quite say I'm happy to see 2007 go, but I do have high expectations for 2008. Obviously, I hope to be transplanted in early 2008 and on my way to recovering and getting my life back. One of my favorite passions, weightlifting, has been put on hold until I am transplanted and recovered. I know it's going to be a long road to recovery, but I'm hoping 2008 will hold a lot of positive things for me health wise. I hope to write more fiction, blogs and music. I hope to both record and perform more in 2008.

2007 Fun Fact: This year was 60 minutes shorter than it should have been. I do not account for the hour I wasted watching the Soprano's finale.

Also, I have some friends getting married this year and hope to be healthy enough to attend their weddings in the summer. Sadly, I've already had to cancel my attendance at one wedding due to my health.

Trine is currently applying to medical schools so there may be a move in our future, but we're committed to each other and to making the relationship work. I think 2008 is going to be a very exciting year for us.

Happy New Year!!!

To 2007: It's been swell, but the swelling's gone down. Welcome, 2008.

Merry Christmas! (And some other stuff)

2007-12-20T17:32:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

First off: Merry Christmas! This will probably be the last blog before the holiday, so I hope it's a happy one for you all and that you enjoy your brand new cars and expensive jewelry, which are evidently the true symbols of the holiday this year.

Seriously, do people really buy each other cars for Christmas? What kind of gift is it really? If you buy your loved one a $30,000 car, do you pay all $30,000? Or do you put down the initial amount due at signing and the rest is up to them? "Happy Holidays, baby. I put $2,000 down on a brand new car for you. Now you're saddled with an extra $350 per month car payment plus your insurance premium will also go up. I love you!"

Joking aside, I really am looking forward to the holiday. It will be different than previous Christmases, but change is good. I'm grateful to be spending the holiday w/ my girlfriend Trine, our half-insane puppy Niles, Trine's family, my mother, her boyfriend and my brother. I know there are a lot of people that I normally spend the holiday with, or at least see at some point, and though that's not happening this year, rest assured you're in my thoughts. With my health being less than stellar this year, family and friends seem all the more important. I'm usually not so sentimental, but I've posted the video of "Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls on my page. I think it warrants a listen.

Even serial killers are cute at some point
Recently, CNN ran a story about a five year old Arkansas boy who killed a 445 lb bear. Now, my first reaction was 'wow, this boy was attacked and somehow managed to not only escape, but kill the bear. What a feat.' Alas, I gave him too much credit. Turns out the boy shot and killed the bear from a tree stand. Hey, that's pretty darn impress--…wait, what the fuck is a five year old doing with a rifle?! What kind of parents are raising this kid? Am I the only one who is a tad concerned? While this news item fascinating enough to make headlines, did anyone stop to realize that a 5 year old is handling a deadly firearm? And if I remember correctly, most serial killers start off killing animals as children. Let's keep an eye on this kid.

Experimental plane crash kills 1 (actual headline from Cnn.com)
Ok, maybe this is being nitpicky, but what exactly was the experiemental part? The plane? Or the crash? "Listen Jimmy, we're trying out a new experimental way to crash this plane. It involves chickens, a grease fire and the complete first season of Gilmore Girls on DVD. You in? " Ok, so I realize the real meaning of the headline, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's poorly written. I just thought I'd point that out, considering these people are supposedly professional writers.

If I'm offended, it must be bad….
I'm not above a tasteless joke, bad humor or pushing the envelope. You've read my blogs, you know what I'm capable of. I've blogged about school shootings in the past, including the Virginia Tech shootings, but my scorn, anger, rage, etc is always aimed at the pathetic loser who commits the crime and I never intend to poke fun or make light of the victims. That being said, there are some pictures circulating on the internet via Facebook of some college kids (in Pennyslyvania, I think), including one very obviously drunk girl, dressed up as Virginia Tech victims for Halloween, complete with V-Tech shirts, bullet holes and fake blood. What's even worse is that the kids admit that they're being disrespectful assholes. In fact, their intent was to shock and disgust fellow party goers and they showed no remorse when the pictures surfaced. This really pissed me off.

First off, you skank, you wanna shock someone? How about not having to do the walk-of-shame home the next morning with vomit and some guy's dong stains in your hair.

Secondly, I wholeheartedly support any threats of violence and retaliation on the part of current Virginia Tech students who are saddened, angered, outraged and disgusted by this display of utter disregard for the victims. Some people, regardless of gender, just need to get a good, old fashioned ass-kicking.

Lastly, the more I hear about what goes on on Facebook, the more credibility Myspace gets.

Anyhow, I hope you all get what you want for Christmas and that Santa Claus tickles you all in the right spots. Have a Merry one!

Next blog: Looking back on 2007, Looking forward to 2008.

To All My Friends

2007-11-14T16:08:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone,

Thank you in advance for reading this blog. This is particularly important because it's one of the more serious entries I've ever written. I've talked to some of you on the phone so this may not be a surprise to everyone, but for those of you whom I have not been in contact with in the past month or so, this is the best way for me to keep in touch at the moment.

Those of you who know me, or have kept up with my blogs, remember the situation this past summer where I wound up in the hospital with severe jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes due to bile in the bloodstream a.k.a bilirubin level), elevated liver enzymes and an intense headache. Most of you also know that I have had Biliary Atresia, a rare liver disorder, since birth. I've gotten 27 years out of a damaged liver and am grateful for every moment.

Up until July, I had been the picture of good health. I watched my diet and worked out 4-6 days/week. In July, I spent eight days in the hospital. The doctors ran all sorts of tests (spinal tap, liver biopsy, CT scan, X-rays) but all they did was rule out diagnoses. I was released with a "wait and see" discharge plan. The doctors had attributed my illness to an acute toxic injury, possibly due to a weight lifting supplement I had been using, and were confident that with time, and a low fat, high protein diet, all would be well. They were wrong.

Since my hospitalization, I've continued to battle elevated liver ezymes and decreased liver function, resulting in jaundice (bilirubin 10 times my normal range), itching and general discomfort. For example, most people have a bilirubin of less than 1. I've always been between 2 and 3 because of my Biliary Atresia. As of my labs last week, my bilirubin was at 28. Sometimes my episodes would coincide with me eating a meal high in fat or protein, most notably pizza. Things would level off, then spike again. I spent weeks trying to figure out what in my diet/environment could be causing me to get sick. Dairy? Fat? I was not getting the answers I needed. The 'wait and see' mentality was getting me nowhere. I was aggravated because I'd never dealt with this before. I'd been so healthy that I was quick to take my docs word and didn't always know what questions to ask, or think that I should doubt the diagnosis. I could not deny, however, that my liver was still acting up.

In the midst of all of this, I made the decision to quit my job and move to Miami, Florida to be with my girlfriend, Trine, and our puppy, Niles. Trine assured me that the doctors in Miami were amazing and would get to the bottom of what was making me ill. Just before I left, I had another episode of jaundice. I had labs done, my bili was very high and the doctors wanted to bring me in for tests to determine if there was a blockage in the bile flow. I was supposed to leave on September 24 and they wanted me to come on in on September 27. Against doctor's advice, I opted to leave for Miami anyway. Despite the labs, I was feeling good. I got one last set of labs and left the morning on September 24 as scheduled. Later that day, I found out my labs indeed looked a lot better than the previous week. Another piece of good news came the following day as I was traveling through North Carolina; I got the job offer that I had been waiting for, complete with benefits (medical insurance!) starting immediately and a base salary beyond what I was expecting. Life was good.

I got through about a week of life in Miami before I got sick again. My skin became jaundiced and itchy again and I was throwing up every so often. While I knew I needed to see a specialist, in the meantime I made an appointment with a general practitioner in order to get labs done and found that my liver functions were once again elevated. After keeping a food log, together (though mostly Trine's idea) we concluded that my liver could no longer handle large amounts of protein. As someone who has always enjoyed a high protein diet, this was a hard realization. I'd only worked out a handful of times since July, lost a lot of weight and, while I still had some muscle tone, my muscle mass was reduced. This was hard enough, but cutting out protein, the building blocks of muscle, was tougher still. I started a very low protein diet (vegetarian, for the most part) and I did see improvement in both appearance and the way I felt overall. I realized that this was only a band-aid solution. My general practitioner would be good for getting labs and a check-up, but I needed to see a real liver specialist. Trine, whose love and support (and connections at the hospital) have been invaluable to me during this time, was able to get me an appointment with one of the best hepatologists in the country, Dr. Eugene Schiff. We faxed him my medical records and, before I even saw Schiff on October 23, he had made up his mind: I would need a liver transplant.

While I wasn't expecting to need a transplant, I was grateful for answers. The doctors up north had provided none. To my relief, my health issues weren't due to anything I was doing; not the creatine supplement, not the fat, not the protein. I was finally becoming symptomatic of the secondary biliary cirrhosis caused by my liver disorder. My family did not seem surprised by this and always knew that transplantation was a possibility.

Overall, there's a feeling of optimism between myself, my family, Trine and the doctors. I'm young, relatively healthy and will get through the transplant, and subsequent recovery. I will feel better than ever; better than I did on my healthiest day pre-transplant. The liver is the body's engine. When it's on the fritz, everything suffers. I'm finding that out firsthand. But I'm getting a new engine and my body is going to feel unlike it ever has before.

While I'm 110% optimistic about the transplant and recovery, it's the waiting that's got me feeling anxious. I'm in the process of getting various tests and procedures done so they can place me on the list for transplant. If all goes well, I will be on that list by early December. Then I wait. Trine's mother said she would be surprised if I was waiting for more than a few months, but I must try to prepare myself to wait as long as necessary and hope that I can maintain a good level of health until then.

In the interim, I'm doing my best to just live my life. My new job is going alright. Sometimes it's hard to concentrate and stay focused when I'm feeling uncomfortable. I'm still training and getting acclimated, but it's pretty much the same job that I had up in Hartford so I know what to expect and have the experience to do the job. One thing I did not expect, however, is the guy who masturbates in the men's room during his lunch hour. I kid you not. It's easily one of the most disturbing things I've had the unfortunate experience of hearing (on two separate occasions). Yes, there's a stall door separating him from other bathroom patrons, but it's pretty easy figure out what's going on. Gross. Should I contact someone? What do you do in this situation?

Moving on...

To my delight, the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and the New England Patriots are demolishing every team in their path. I spend a lot of time walking the puppy, taking him to the dog park, watching TV/movies with Trine, and reading. Trine got me the Nintendo Wii as an early birthday gift so that's been a lot of fun as well. I haven't been playing nearly enough guitar lately, but I aim to start writing music again soon. I bought a new toy for recording over the computer so hopefully I'll have some new music in the near future. A couple weeks back, I met up with some high school friends in Atlanta for our annual football excursion. Despite me not feeling 100%, it was still a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to the holidays and experiencing my first Christmas season in the south.

The hardest part has been dealing with my current symptoms: jaundice, severe itching at times, low energy and a general 'blah' feeling. I have a new job, new living situation, new responsibilities, not the least of which is an extremely high energy puppy, and it's really tough coming home from work feeling like I just want to sleep.

Sadly, I've had to sacrifice some plans that I was really looking forward to. Trine and I had a trip to Maine planned for Thanksgiving. I have been advised that it would be a bad idea to be so far away from the transplant center in Miami. I was really looking forward to seeing family up there, but I realize that my health is 1 right now and I don't want to be in Maine and have something go wrong. Thankfully, my mother, her boyfriend and my brother also live in south Florida now so they will join us for the holiday. It will be a while before I am able to travel again.

This is very hard for me. So much has changed in so little time. I haven't had a lot of energy lately. I don't exercise regularly right now and miss it. There is a gym in our building and if I feel up to it, I might try and do light workouts in the coming weeks, but I will be not working to build muscle for quite some time. I enjoy being down here, but miss my friends and family back home. I am saddened that visiting with them is no longer as simple as booking a flight and spending a weekend in Connecticut.

Visitors are always welcome and the support of Trine, my friends and my family is going to be especially important in the coming months.

If you've read this to the end, thank you.

Sincerely, Ryan

Commercial Failures

2007-10-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

Hey all,

Ok, first up. The freakin' Red Sox did it again!! World Series champs for the second time in four years! Curse? What Curse? Perhaps that Yankees will be dealing with their own curse now that their golden boy A-Rod has decided to seek employment elsewhere. I'm stoked to see what the 2008 season has in store. In the meantime, I'm perfectly happy to watch the Patriots destory everything and everyone in their path.

Halloween is almost here and I've yet to watch any horror movies lately. I will be fixing that by checking out Saw IV tomorrow night after work. Otherwise, it'll be a low key Halloween for Trine and I. Since we live in a gated apartment complex, I'm not expecting many trick or treaters. I have no clue how many kids live in the building. I don't think I've actually seen any. I was tempted to repost my blog from Halloween last year; the one that's actually about Halloween. This one, as you'll notice, is not. Please check it out and comment if you like. Or keep reading. Or both. Yes, do both. Thanks!!

Please, No Moshing
Being a musician, as well as fan of music, occasionally I go to concerts. I used to go a lot more when I was younger, but now it's tapered off quite a bit. Concerts really haven't changed since I was a lad, but I've grown less tolerant of the whole atmosphere. I've noticed that the younger the audience, the more ridiculous they are. For example, over the past two weeks I've seen New Found Glory, a pop-punk band who sing primarily about girls, and Nonpoint, a pretty awesome metal band, headlining the Great American Rampage Tour. Now, judging from those two shows, which one would you expect to be more violent? I think you see where I'm going with this.

The New Found Glory show had the most fights and disrespectful people in the audience than I've ever seen. While the Nonpoint show spawned a couple of altercations, the average age of the audience was a few years older, more adept at handling their liquor, and generally more mature. Now, this theory has its limits. I've yet to hear of any brutal fist fights occurring at a Wiggles show. Though, I could be wrong.

Another thing about concerts is that crowd surfing is nowhere near as cool as depicted on television. On TV or in the movies, when someone decides to crowd surf, it's team effort. The person is lifted up over the audience and the crowd actually carries them to front of the stage. The person is smiling and the crowd loves it. All in all, it looks awesome. In reality though, the crowd couldn't give a fuck about the person crowd surfing and wants nothing more than to drop their nasty ass on the floor. Basically, the main goal is to get the surfer's sweaty crotch away from your face. Most people get dropped in the middle of the crowd before they even reach the stage. If you do make it to the front of the stage, you'll most likely be manhandled by one of the bouncers hopped up on steroids and anti-depressants stemming from the realization that their job consists primarily of putting high school kids in headlocks.

But before you even get to the concert, you have to buy the ticket, and with the ticket purchase come convenience fees. How else do you pay $64 for two $20 tickets? The ticket outlets charge outrageous fees. I don't like the term 'convenient.' Yes, if I sit on my butt and order the tickets via the internet, that is convenient and, though I don't like it, I understand why I'm paying the fee. But how do they justify calling it a convenience fee when I have to get in my car and drive to a local ticket outlet, stand in line and wait for some high school drop out to finish his Orange Julius and get me my tickets? Really, folks, it's a psychological thing. Do I mind paying $30 for a concert ticket? No. What bugs me is when the ticket is $20 with an additional 50% tacked on in bullshit fees. I wish they'd just plug the fees in to the cost of the ticket.

Commercial Failure
Is it just me or do there seem to be an extraordinary amount of stupid commercials on TV. Maybe I'm just more observant, or more pissed off, but I'm noticing more and more ads that just annoy the hell out of me.

Here's a few:

I'm downright sick of Taco Bell. The Cheesy Beefy Melt? Seriously, could Taco Bell any less creative? And then there's the commercial where the older brother schools his younger brother on some of life's little rules, i.e. never buy a lapdog, never date a girl with a dragon tattoo and always put chili on your Nachos BellGrande. Then his girlfriend with the dragon tattoo comes by and puts this small fluffy dog in his lap. What the hell is this commercial saying? Obviously, the older brother is a hypocrite and cannot live by his own advice. So should one NOT put chili on their Nachos BellGrande? I'm honestly not sure what the message is. I think the wise thing to do would feed the nachos to dog before his awful Taco Bell farts scare his tattooed girlfriend away.

And here's an AT&T commercial I'd like to see:

"Hi. I'm Ted Bundy. I'm a serial rapist & murderer. I began killing women in Tacoma during the early 70's. I went to law school in Salt Lake City. I escaped from a court house in Aspen and then slaughtered and brutalized college co-eds in Tallahassee. So I need a network that will work where I live, rape and murder: A place called TacoSaltAspAssee."

AND this commercial for the Chevy Malibu where the woman is running along and just WHAM! smacks into the car. Then they have a second commercial where the stupid tart gets right up and runs SMACK right into the car again, revealing some sort of mental defect or abuse at the hands of a lover. Anyhow, the point of the ad is that she ignored the "brand x" car, whereas the Chevy Malibu is a car that cannot be ignored. Not unlike the idiocy of this ad campaign.

And speaking of stupid car commercials: how about that pompous Mercedes commercial where they brag how they spent seven years and 14,000 test crashes just so the doors could handle the weight of a couple fat middle-aged men. Hey, if you kick back by sitting on your car doors, chances are you don't drive a Mercedes. Probably more like something with Yosemite Sam mud flaps. Not to mention that this Mercedes C-class can slow from 80 mph to a complete stop in mere seconds. Yeah, that's fucking safe, especially for the cars behind you.

Mercedes' new slogan should be: You're Not the Only Driver on the Road, but You Can Act Like it.

Happy Halloween!! - Ryan

Guys with Dolls

2007-10-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

it's been about a month since I last posted a blog. A lot has happened in that time. The major life change is that I relocated from my home state of Connecticut to sunny Miami, Florida to be with my girlfriend and our awesome dog. Secondly, en route to Florida, I got the job offer that I was hoping for so I'm pretty excited about having work down here. Settling in has been a huge (albeit fun!) adjustment and not having to worry about job searching is an enormous relief.

As of Thursday, I am officially a Florida resident. Time to let the sun go to my head! I can't wait to vote! Where's the Armani Exchange?! I have a hankering to pay $90 for a form fitting t-shirt that says "punk rock" on it and looks like it was designed by a Ritalin-laced 8 year old with a Bedazzler.

Unfortunately, I'm still dealing with health issues stemming from my hospitalization in the summer. The past few months have been pretty hard on me. I've had to deal with a lot of jaundice (yellowing of the eyes and skin), itching and other side effects.

Aside from my initial surgeries as a baby, I have had no complications up until this past July. Liver disease is finally rearing its ugly head. I've lost weight, had to adjust my eating habits big time and haven't been working out the past month or so. It's been tough to put my passion of weightlifting on hold until I can get healthy again. The upside is that I am in great hands. Besides having a very supportive base down here (my family, Trine and her family) I am also surrounded by some of the best doctors in the field. I am confident that they will be able to figure out what is wrong with me. The doctors in Connecticut were less than proactive and seemed a little too comfortable to just wait it out. I'm done waiting it out.

Kids are Stupid
In Leesburg, Florida, 12 year old David Cody Hudson was found on the floor of his bedroom with a belt around his neck. He died a day later The police originally thought his death a suicide due to the karate belt wrapped around his neck. However, it turns out David and other students had been playing something called the "choking game." This "game" involves reducing oxygen to the brain to create a euphoric feeling. Wow. So is this what kids do in between the latest Playstation and Xbox releases? Is childhood really that boring?

Ok, sooooo…. if it's a choking game, my question is: did David win or lose?

Does He have a kung-fu grip?
In Knoxville, Tennessee, an 11.5-inch tall Jesus doll has created a controversy since some WalMart stores have decided to test market the doll in various locations. The doll is one of several faith-based toys created by One2believe that are being sold along side other action figure toys. Others include 'Tickle Me' Judas and Rock Em' Sock Em' Cain and Abel.
First Baptist Church's senior pastor, Bill Shiell said, "To reduce Him to a doll purports to say that we somehow know what Jesus looked like and that we can play with Him as a figure much like we could play with any other object like Bob the Builder."

Oh come on, we have pretending to know what Jesus looked like for ages: white guy with shoulder length brown hair and a beard. Let's not pretend this doll has anything to do with that. Truth is that Jesus probably looked more Middle Eastern than a member of the Allman Brothers band.

Susan Tatum, First Baptist's minister to preschool and Children, agrees that Jesus isn't an appropriate for a toy. Says Tatum, "Jesus is not an action figure, a fantasy or make-believe doll," she said. "I think it is important for children to know to draw that line between fantasy and reality."

Yes, people, I repeat: fantasy and reality. So which one does the Jesus doll fall under? People need to realize that reality is not the same for everyone. When you look at it, there are really a select few around the world who actually believe in Jesus Christ and Bible. There are numerous religions with varied beliefs and different Gods, and it is arrogance that leads people to believe their faith is the one true way. Sorry folks, you can't all be right.

I have no use for organized religion. I believe that faith and religion should be a personal thing. If you find some likeminded folks to share your beliefs with, great. But keep it quiet and stop pushing your beliefs on everyone else. Simply having faith is the important thing. By the time you find out if there really is a God (whichever kind you choose to believe in) you're long gone from this earth. It's having faith and believing in something (anything) that provides solace and peace to you while you're alive.

But people take it too far and try to run each other's lives based on their personal beliefs and that's where things get messy. You've heard of Separation of Church and State (despite Bush's attempt to abolish it)? Well, maybe we should just broaden the definition of the State. Maybe there'd be a bit less hatred and intolerance in the world if people kept their religion to themselves. Don't preach to me, don't try to change me and don't sell me any dolls.

The best part of the article is where Sheill advises parents thinking of buying the doll to spend the money feeding the hungry or helping out the poor. I couldn't agree more.

Remember Osama bin Laden (?)

2007-09-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!

Each year on September 11, we take a special moment to remember the horrific tragedy that occurred on that clear blue Tuesday morning in 2001 and mourn those killed in the attacks. It goes without saying that it's not far from our minds the other 364 days of the year either. I hope that we always remember and pay special tribute to those who lost their lives that day. Except the hijackers. Fuck al qaeda, their jihad and all their camel fucking friends.

That being said, I would like to propose another holiday. I would like September 12 to be known as Remember Osama Bin Laden Day. I think we should have at least one day out of the year where we take a moment to remember and disdain the man who was ultimately behind the worst terrorist attack on American soil in this country's history. We need one day where we stop killing Iraqis, one day to stop stuffing our faces with triple cheeseburgers and blaming McDonalds for our weight issues, one day to stop making fun of Britney Spears, and remember that someone was responsible for September 11 and they've yet to be captured and held accountable. Osama bin Laden was this country's prime target….for about a week and half. Then George W. Bush remembered that Saddam Hussein was mean to his daddy and would be a much easier target to take out than Osama Bin Laden. He could possibly even get him re-elected in 2004. Everybody wins! Oh yeah, except for the American people.

Yes, we need to remember Bin Laden. He remembers us. He even sends us videotapes! "Hi, it's Osama. I'm doing OK. This cave is cold. Al Qaeda is doing well. I urge the youth to rise up and be martyrs for the cause. I can't wait for the new American Idol to begin. Praise Allah" and so forth. So why don't we, as Americans, vow never to forget Osama Bin Laden. Maybe our president has, but those of us with an IQ above that of a brain-dead monkey can probably manage to wipe the oil out of our eyes and see past the debacle that is the 'War on Terror' in Iraq. Let's take this moment to remember Osama Bin Laden: the man, the terrorist, the forgotten fugitive. Let us hope that one day he pays for his crimes against this country. Because if he doesn't, some other country will.

Live like there's no tomorrow!
We've all heard that saying. People like it because it sounds good; it sounds positive, like you're living life to its fullest. Sometimes people may use it as a reason to do something new, adventurous, daring, reckless, or downright stupid. But all in all, it seems like a good bit of advice to get one through the day. Right? Don't be so sure. Living like there's no tomorrow seems like one of the worst pieces of advice you could get.

I agree that one should try and treasure every day like there's no tomorrow, but to actually live your life like that? If taken literally, this could have dire consequences. Think of all the drug use, the murders and wonton disregard for human life that would take place if everyone just lived like today was the last day they would be alive! It's actually a very selfish way to live. It'd be really hard to accomplish anything positive. No one would show up at work because who wants to knowingly work the last day of their life? Not me, bub, not me. All in all, everyone would be caught up in their own little worlds, trying to satiate their basest desires and life would pretty much suck for everyone. So don't live life like there's no tomorrow, but rather enjoy each day as it comes.

Join the Club…
On Oprah, David Letterman joked that his 3 year old child 'doesn't get' his jokes. Well, I'm 26 and I don't get his jokes. On second thought, I just don't find them funny.

VMAs: Vomit-Inducing Musical Abominations…
Ok, so I hate to admit it, but I watched a bit of the Video Music Awards this past Sunday. I knew that Britney Spears was going to be opening and I figured I couldn't lose. Either she'll look really hot or she'll be a total train wreck. Either way, this guy is entertained! And yes, I certainly was! Her performance at the VMA's was atrocious, and that is being nice. The media ripped her to shreds, and rightfully so. Her performance was soulless, uninspired and looked as if it were choreographed by a 12 year-old girl.

One thing I disagree with, however: Britney Spears is not fat. Sure, B-Fed doesn't have the body that she had a few years back before she had kids. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say she was fat. Her outfit certainly didn't compliment her body the way it would have years ago. If you're a girl parading around my bedroom in that outfit, go for it, but on stage, it just looked like an awkward ill-fitted bra and underwear, as opposed to a sexy dance get-up, and just added to the visual wreck that her performance was. I liked how at the end she just gave up lip synching all together.

Kanye West Sucks
Of course, the only reason MTV asked Spears to open the show is so that Kanye West would feel shafted once again. We all know how hard it is for a black hip hop artist to get any recognition on MTV these days. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? If Kanye's music sucks as bad as his attitude, then he deserves to be snubbed. What a douche bag. Hey, there's a thought: His musical rival, Curtis '50 Cent' Jackson, has been shot 9 times. Wanna make this a real rivalry? I think West has some catching up to do.

Murder is bad! Go To Jail…for Seven Months
I'm sickened, truly disgusted, by Mary Winkler, the wife of Tennessee preacher who was convicted of murdering her husband and served a whopping 7 months in prison. Wow, that'll teach her! And she's not even a celebrity!! This isn't a fucking unpaid parking ticket; it's murder! According to Winkler, she suffered many years of abuse at the hands of her husband, which led her to murder him, i.e. shoot him in the back with a shotgun. This was not self defense; it was cold blooded murder. Apparently, she never told anyone about the abuse because she was a weak woman and was too concerned about their image as a perfect couple to seek the help she needed. And yet, somehow, she gets sympathy and is now a free woman.

I'm not defending her husband's actions, if he indeed abused her. There's no defending physical abuse, but….we'll never know now, will we? How convenient. To me, it just seems to set a dangerous precedent. If the supposed abuser is murdered before it's proven he was an abuser, what kind of accountability do we bestow upon the allegedly abused party? It's in our nature to sympathize with the abused and take their word for it, but we're treading dangerous waters and this is a very good example of the type of injustice that can occur.

Happy Wednesday

Miami or Bust!

2007-09-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hey sports fans!

Football season is upon us! Go Patriots! They're playing their first game of the regular season against The Jets. I can't stand The Jets. You know why? The New York Jets don't play in New York. They play in New Jersey at Giants Stadium. They don't even have their own stadium in their own state. They're barely a real team. Blecch!

Ok, big news all! Beginning on September 24, I will be leaving Connecticut and driving down to Miami for good. Currently, the job situation is up in the air but I have some positive things happening and hope to have something lined up very soon. If not, then I will accept that challenge and meet it head on. I'm very excited about the move, albeit a bit scared. I'm leaving my comfort zone and pretty much the only home I've ever known. However, I've wanted to move south for so long and I've found an amazing girl willing to let me share her apartment and life, as well as help take care of our awesome puppy, Niles. I will be closer to some members of my family as well. This is a huge deal and I'm thankful the have the love and support of friends and family. If you want my new address, please message me!

Next Saturday night, September 15, I will be performing for the last time at Javapalooza. It's a solo acoustic show and I'm very excited. My first solo performance was a couple weeks back and was an incredible experience. Thank you to all who came out for it. My best buddy Beau is off in Michigan and due to my hospitalization, we never had a final show. I will dedicate this next performance to him. Actually, I dedicated the last performance to him as well. He's been a great friend and songwriting partner for the past 13 years.

Ok, let's get ranting…

Now, I'm not a parent but I still feel particularly qualified to make the following demand: Stop leaving your fucking kids in the car when it's hot outside! I don't know what chapter of which parenting book covers this, but I can't believe that parents still neglect their kids in this fashion. Apparently, this is why you should be able to order malt liquor over the Internet. These fools shouldn't be allowed to procreate, let alone leave the house when it's hot outside. There certainly are ways to show the world you're a shitty parent that won't land you in jail or kill your child. Just look at Britney Spears.

Character Assasination!
Every office has its characters, some more common than others. There's the office clown, the slut, the kiss-up, etc. However, there are some characters that are a little harder to pick out, but can be just as amusing, if not more so, than your clichéd cast of characters. For instance:

There's the guy who pees way too long. I walk in, he's in mid-stream. I begin to pee, he's going. I finish up, he's going. I wash my hands. Still going. I slowly dry them, thinking "Good Lord." I go over my grocery list for that evening. In Spanish. Twice. He's still going. I walk out the door, and he's still pissin' away. He's like the Energizer Bunny….if the Energizer Bunny was taking a leak. If you have to use one of your alotted 15 minute breaks to take a piss, perhaps it's time for a check up.

On a related note, every office has a guy who doesn't wash his hands, even if there are other people in the bathroom who will take notice. Do not shake hands with this man. There is urine on his hands.

On yet another related note, have any of you men have ever walked into a stall and saw that the toilet seat was covered in piss? What do you do? If all you have to do is urinate, then you can do so and walk away. However, if someone walks into the stall after you, they're going to assume that you're the one who left the soiled toilet seat. This happened to me a number of times when I worked in a smaller office and the bathroom was unisex with a single toilet. I'm certainly not going to clean up some other guy's mess. But if you get defensive and say, "I didn't do that," people are going to assume that you did. It's really a no-win situation, but I still believe it is better just to remain silent.

Ok, next you have the guy who is only there until something better comes along. He will let you know over and over that this is not his life's calling and therefore he's usually too good to be bothered with certain tasks that the job entails. He's only working his particular job till he lands the big executive spot making double the money with half the responsibility. "Yeah, we know. You've been saying that for eight years now. Go photocopy something, ya douche."

Then there's the guy who makes jokes, but is really creepy. One morning you're gathered around the water cooler (does anyone actually do that anymore?) and talking about your new puppy and how he pooped on the rug last night. Then Mr. Creepy Jokester comes along and says something like, "I totally would have stabbed my puppy if he did that." Then he laughs. And you do, too, nervously; not because he's funny, but because you totally believe he would.

Then there's the woman who can't stop talking about her kids. I'm not a father so maybe this one isn't fair. When I'm a dad, maybe all I'll want to talk about is my kid. Yet for those of us who don't think a three year old putting his clothes on backwards and then crapping his pants is cute, this person can certainly get on your nerves. Sometimes I just wanna turn around and scream, "THAT'S NOT NORMAL!! YOUR KID HAS PROBLEMS!"

Finally, there's Chelvis. Wait, don't tell me you don't have a Chelvis!! A big, fat Chinese guy with dark hair and sideburns? Chinese Elvis; Chelvis. Chickety-Chelvis, the Chinese Elvis!

On that note, have an amazing weekend!!

Barry being Barry

2007-08-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

So it's been a few weeks since I was let out of the hospital. For the most part, things have been going well. I had a bit of setback on Saturday night, which resulted elevated bilirubin levels and I once again have a bit of a yellow hue. However, I'm on the mend. It's just going to take some time for things to return to normal. My liver functions are either the same or better than they were when I was released. So, slowly but surely, I'm getting back to my old self. I've gotten back to the gym a few times. I've lost a considerable amount of strength, but retained a decent amount of muscle tone so it shouldn't be too hard to come full circle once I'm back at the gym on a regular basis.

In other news, I've booked my first ever solo acoustic show for Saturday, August 25 @ Starbucks on Hebron Ave. in Glastonbury, CT. As many of you know, my acoustic group Championship Vinyl was supposed to have an awesome final show about a month back, but due to my illness, we were unable to perform. Beau has since moved to Michigan and on to the next adventure in his life. I'm incredibly happy for him. Meanwhile, I'm hangin' in Connecticut till I find a job in Florida. I'm really excited about playing this show and hope that people in the area will come out and join me. I'll be playing some Champ Vinyl tunes, some covers and a bunch of new tunes I've written. I'll have copies of my CD available for sale (cheap!).

Ok, onto the fun stuff!

I Doesn't Like Sara Lee!!
I really dislike the slogan for Sara Lee, the popular dessert maker. Like me, many people probably think the slogan is "Nobody Does It Like Sara Lee," which would actually make sense. It's actually "Nobody Doesn't Like Sara Lee," which just plain obnoxious. Why not "Nobody Doesn't Not Like Sara Lee?" or "Sara Lee is Not Not Liked by Nobody." If you're going for the confusing, take it all the way!

To Be Blunt…
This needs to be said. It's been a long time coming and I've kept my mouth shut, but I can't any longer. James Blunt is terrible. His song "Beautiful" is downright atrocious. I know there are some women reading this thinking, "But, it's such a sweet song!" No, it's not. The guy sings like a chick to chicks and somehow chicks eat it up. His lyrics indicate a musical partnership with a lovesick 12 year old boy. I recently read that his new record is going to "revolutionize soft rock." It doesn't take much to revolutionize soft rock. When a white guy with a jerry curl and a saxophone that looks like a flute can revolutionize soft rock, the bar isn't set very high to begin with. I saw an interview where Blunt said that he doesn't care about people criticizing him or "Beautiful" because that song has gotten him laid a ton. To that I wittily retort: Enjoy your bounty. You still suck.

Oh, Henry!
Well, it's done. Baseball's taint, Barry Bonds*, finally broke the homerun record. Congrats to Barry and his chromagnum forehead. Hitting 756 homeruns: So easy a caveman can do it. Sorry, Henry 'Hank' Aaron. It's a bittersweet moment in baseball history; well, mostly bitter, but I suppose there are a lot of Barry fans out there.

I know some Barry supporters argue that steroids can't make you hit a ball. I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm not saying Barry isn't a good ball player. He has an eye for pitches that allow him to make good swings and connect with the ball. After all, you can't get a home run if you don't hit the ball in the first place. I won't deny that the guy deserves a lot of credit. That being said, while steroids don't help Barry hit the ball, I'm sure having that chemically engineered power behind the bat helped fuel some of those homeruns that might otherwise have stayed inside the park. It's a tainted accomplishment any way you look at it.

You know who should have to take steroids? Golfers! It might make that game watchable on some level. How I'd love to see Tiger Woods with 'roid rage; throwing around his clubs, splashing in the water traps, tossing handfuls of dirt at people from the sandtraps. Hell, I'd just like to see him crush a golf ball so far it leaves the course. I bet it'd be tough to hit a putt with a syringe of anabolic goodies coursing through his system. Oh well...one can dream!

Enjoy your Wednesday

The Past Two Weeks...

2007-07-23T15:12:00.001-07:00

The following is a pretty in-depth account of the past two weeks. I wanted to get it down in writing the best I could.

The past couple of weeks have been a blur. I started a normal weekend on July 7 and by the next night was suffering from abdominal pains and severe headaches. Eventually, through the urging of my girlfriend (because I'm very stubborn) I saw a doctor for the pain and eventually wound up in the ER and, ultimately, admitted to the hospital for eight days.

Though the headaches were the catalyst, something else was very wrong. I had turned yellow practically overnight and blood tests showed that my liver functions and levels had gone through the roof, some as high as 10x higher than normal. I was put on heavy pain medication, though that was not enough to keep the headaches away. The pain meds would wear off way before I was due my next dose and I was miserable. Meanwhile, I was extremely jaundiced, hooked up to an IV because I could barely keep food and liquids down and having incredible vivid hallucinations and nightmares due to the pain medication.

Doctors performed CT scans, MRI's, facial X-rays, a spinal tap and, finally, a liver biopsy, along with drawing blood every day. The liver biopsy was by far the strangest of the tests. Because of complications, they had to go 'trans jugular' which, as it implies, means through the neck and jugular vein. I was medicated, but only so that I did not feel pain. I was awake and aware. I could actually feel the needle pulling the tiny slivers of my liver.

While the root cause of the headaches was never fully determined, doctors ruled out aneurysms, various forms of meningitis, liver cancers and other diseases associated with my liver disorder. While I am in the process of getting other opinions, the liver biopsy shows no blockages or signs of my original surgeries going awry. It shows an acute injury of some sort due to a toxin, which could possibly be the weight lifting supplement creatine that I've been on for some time. As I said, I will be getting a second opinion.

After about five days, the headaches began to subside and I was able to go off the pain medications, though, admittedly, I wanted to be back on them if only to help me sleep. Having never stayed overnight in a hospital since my initial surgeries as a baby, I had no idea how hard it is to sleep in a hospital when not heavily medicated. I had a series of roommates, all of which were admitted to hospital at approximately 4 a.m., thus ruining any chance at a full nights' sleep. Even the quiet nights were too quiet and sleeping medication did not do any good.

What helped me through these eight days (along with pain meds!) were the love and support of friends and family members. Everyday was a parade of various people coming to keep me company, even on the days where I was barely able to hold a conversation due to the medication. People brought me Gatorade, snacks, magazines, CDs, cards, flowers and various odd toys like bubble makers, a toy guitar, and something called the 'Grossinator,' which is highly entertaining and emits declarations such as "I'm going to make a big gross fart" at a volume that's too loud NOT to be hilarious.

During all this, I thought about those people stuck in hospitals for longer periods of time with no family or friends. I've only had a handful of friends and family members in the hospital, but I never fully realized how much it means to have that support when you're the one laid up. It was truly humbling and I know that if a friend or family member is ever in the hospital, I will make every effort to visit if only for a short time. It makes all the difference. I cannot stress that enough. My girlfriend has been incredibly supportive through all of this. She was only physically able to be with me for a short time during my hospitalization, but she helped run interference between the doctors, myself and my friends and family, and even kept friends on an online support message board for liver disease patients informed of my progress. I am incredibly grateful and appreciative of her, even if I had difficulty showing it at times. My mother flew up from Florida and my brother, father and aunt were with me practically every day at some point. Once again, I cannot stress the difference this made to my mental well being during this ordeal.

I've always known that I've had a liver disease, but I've never really felt like I had one. The past couple weeks showed me that I am not above getting sick, despite my being so healthy over the years. I eat well, exercise constantly and do almost everything in my power to stay healthy, though I know it's not always enough.

When I was let out of the hospital, I was happy, but more anxious than I thought I would be. Perhaps it's the way a prisoner feels when let out of jail; happy to be free, but with the question of "now what?" looming over. It's been great to eat real food, even if things haven't tasted the same. Hospital food is truly disgusting and I get a bit queasy even thinking about what passes for nutrition. In addition, sleep has still been hard to come by, though it's getting easier each night.

I'm currently out of work, but plan on returning in one week. I certainly need the rest. My color is getting better, but I'm still a bit yellow; my appetite is strong, but things still taste a little 'off'. Sadly, Championship Vinyl had to cancel our final show at Javapalooza last Saturday night, which was pretty hard. We were both really looking forward to it and had an amazing night planned. I don't know if we will be able to reschedule, though we will be discussing it.

My health is my number one priority right now. Things have been improving and the doctor is optimistic, as am I. Once back to 100%, I aim to resume heavy job searching and make the move south. I'm also hoping to play an acoustic show or two, whether on my own or with Championship Vinyl. There are so many changes ahead; it's both exciting and scary.

To anyone and everyone who visited me in the hospital, called to follow up or wish me well, or simply read this blog all the way through: Thank you.

My Favorite Things

2007-07-06T20:24:00.001-07:00

Minor Inconveniences
In Enid Oklahoma, a pair of pre-teen sisters (ages 12 and 10) were arrested for abducting their neighbor's one year old son and demanding $200,000 for his return. They broke into the home, stole the baby and left a note reading, "If you want to see your son again then you won't call police and report him missing and you will leave $200,000 on the sofa tonight and we will return your son back safe." It was signed "the kidnappers." The girls' identities were not divulged because of their age.

See, this is what burns me. I think the community has a right to know who these freakshows are. Fuck their age. If they're old enough to commit a felony, they should be old enough to deal with the repercussions. This isn't Africa! You can't just go around stealing babies! I am so sick of hearing about criminals coddled and protected because of their age. Kids are in such a hurry to grow up and do "adult" things like take drugs, have sex, murder people, and now apparently abduction-for-ransom schemes, so why not make them accountable in the same way that adults are?

Meanwhile, in Orange Beach, Alabama, police chased a drunk driver for miles along a highway at speeds up to 100 mph. For a resort town like Orange Beach, a drunk driver is nothing out of the ordinary. However, the real surprise was that the person at the wheel was an 11 year old girl. Oh, and that Alabama has a resort town. Who knew? Of course, her name was not released because of her age. Her BAC was higher than .02, the legal limit for minors. I didn't realize that minors had a legal limit. I thought drinking was illegal if you were a minor. I stand corrected. Again, citizens need to be aware that this bitch is on the road. Her name should be plastered all over the news. She does not deserve protection. Those who violate the rights and safeties of others should not have their rights protected to such a degree. Am I the only person who thinks of this stuff? The world is lucky I have no desire to get involved in politics.

My favorite things….
As you know, I write a lot about things that piss me off, but rarely do I blog about things that actually make me happy. So, for a change, I've decided to compile a list of things that bring a smile to my face, a warmth to my heart and a tightening to my pants. Get it? Here goes nothing:

· I like watching a speeding car get pulled over by the police
· I like it when a celebrity goes bankrupt
· I like it when a celebrity checks into rehab
· I like it when an unfit mother loses her parental rights

Ok, I know those things are kind of mean, but I need to ease into this whole "I like" stuff….

· I like going to sleep next to my girlfriend, Trine
· I like waking up next to Trine
· I like jokes about your mom
· I like it when a shark attacks a bear. (Doesn't happen often, I imagine, but how cool would that be?)
· I like (am fascinated by) all things related to the sinking/discovery of the Titanic
· I like blue whales. (They're so fucking huge!)
· I like the Boston Red Sox
· I like walk off home runs!
· I like the New England Patriots
· I like Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal
· I like Harry Potter books
· I like books on CD
· I like Family Guy
· I like stand-up comedians
· I like piano pop
· I like lifting weights
· I like Tetris (Thank you, Russia).
· I like when the rest of an album is better than the radio single
· I like old WWF wrestling videos from the 80's and 90's
· I like the words "nipple" and "breasticle"
· I like 80's metal bands where the dudes all looked like chicks
· I like fart jokes
· I like when I don't see a good friend for a while and then we get together and it's like nothing has changed
· I like the "c word"
· I like physical comedy
· I like sex first thing in the morning
· I like sex last thing before bed
· I like sex pretty much anytime I can get it
· I like diner breakfasts
· I like maple syrup on EVERYTHING
· I like when people leave comments on my MySpace page
· I like beef jerky
· I like heavy metal guitar solos
· I like acoustic guitar music
· I like performing with Championship Vinyl
· I like writing music
· I like when a reality show gets cancelled
· I like Three's Company
· I like when two girls at a bar kiss to get attention (and free drinks) and no one cares
· I like having a totally ridiculous conversation with Beau that ends with the both of us in hysterics
· I like Hawaiian pizza (w/ ham as opposed to bacon)
· I like sushi. (Ok, I love sushi)
· I like that first spoonful of peanut butter from a brand new jar
· I like movies with happy endings
· I like massages with happy endings
· I like it when overly sensitive, politically-correct people get offended
· I like it when the daughter of some stuffy politician turns out to be gay
· I like the when someone asks someone else, "What's the capital of Thailand?" And then says, "Bangkok!" and punches that person in the nuts. Funny shit!
· I like movies about freakishly huge and out of control animals.
· I like when a girl bends over and her thong shows (assuming that she has any business wearing a thong). This is called a 'whale tail", and no, it has nothing to do with the girl's weight

I also like the weekend!! Enjoy yours!

Do NOT Feed the Strippers!

2007-07-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

Breaking News: Bush commutes the prison sentence of Lewis 'Scooter' Libby, thus refuting the idea that rich, old white men just cannot catch a break these days!

Speaking of Bush, I know I crack on him a lot. There's always someone who says, "You may not agree with Bush, but at least he stands by what he believes in." This is a stupid way of looking at it. You know who else stood by what he believed in? Hitler. And Charles Manson. And Osama Bin Laden. Standing for something and standing for something good are two different things. This follows that same idiotic logic as the 'playing God' argument I wrote about in my last blog. Hey, you may not agree with me, but at least...nah!

The big news of last week was the double murder/suicide involving WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife and their seven year old mentally disabled son. True story: I ran into Benoit in the airport in Atlanta last year as he was coming out of the rest room. I said, "Hi Chris," he said, "What's up?" and kept walking. I can honestly say I saw no indication that he could commit such an act of savagery.

First off, I get antsy about the media's liberal use of the word tragedy. Tragedy is a word people love to use to dramatize everything. Benoit murdering his wife and child is certainly a tragedy; however, suicide is not a tragedy; it's a coward's way out. Though, I will say that it's tragic that Benoit's life got to the point where he felt like murder/suicide was only solution.

Another thing that pisses me off how people say things like, "There's no excuse for killing a seven year old," as if killing his wife was excusable. I know it's an attempt to seem empathetic, but I feel it just comes across as stupid and callous. Barring self defense or extenuating circumstances, there's no excuse for taking a human life, be it a seven year old child or a 43 year old woman. I don't agree that either of the murders were any more or less horrific than the other and the enormity of Benoit's crimes should not be skewed because there was a child involved.

Lastly, we all knew the media was going to blame steroids. Why not? We need to satisfy the "why" question and legally prescribed steroids were found in the house. But from what I've read, I do not see steroids as being the culprit. His latest test for steroids was negative and the murders did not appear to be the product of rage, but rather deliberation. He placed Bibles next to each of the bodies; however, no one's bringing up the ludicrous idea that he sacrificed his family to appease God. Right, because that sounds idiotic. Steroids are an easy target given the industry he was in. I do not condone steroids. They have a bad reputation, and deservingly so. I'm not saying I don't think the guy juiced; I'm sure he did. We'll probably never know why he killed his wife, child, then himself, but I'm not buying 'roid rage as a viable reason. There were bigger issues involved.

Wait! Any possibly way to blame heavy metal music? No? Ok, carry on.

Does this make me cynical?
When I saw the news articles about Jessie Davis, the pregnant woman who went missing in Ohio and then was eventually found dead, the first thing I thought was, "Wow, she's made national headlines. She must be pretty."

Shut up and strip!
A judge in Salem, Oregon ruled that lap dances are covered under free speech, thus overturning a city wide ban on "prohibitive touching," or "sexually exciting physical contact for pay." I've never really thought of lap dances as being 'free speech' though if you look at dancing as an art form, then yes, dancing of this nature should be a first amendment right. I mean, if stripping is legal, then obviously lap dances should be as well. Thinking of lap dances and free speech in the same sentence don't always sit right with me (unintentional pun!) I actually think less speech should be involved in a lap dance, and stripping in general. Personally, I don't like it when strippers make conversation. Is it because I don't value them as human beings? No. Single mothers and psychology majors need to make a buck just like anyone else. I just think that when providing a service, a fantasy, talking about their boyfriends or law school ambitions only ruins it. Honestly, I'm not good at playing along. I know the reality is that this girl would not be looking at me if I did not have dollar bills in my hand and I'm Ok with that; however I'm not OK with the stripper trying to get to know me or telling me I'm handsome. I know I'm handsome! And I'm willing to bet my appeal goes up with every dollar bill I stuff into her thong.

Truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of strip clubs in general. Yes, they're a fun night out for bachelor parties and the strippers with bullet wounds, mullets and/or lazy eyes always make for a good time. But the clubs can be creepy. Here's what I mean: Often, there's at least one guy, mid to late 60's, sitting at the front of the stage w/ a wad of singles placed upon it. As is her duty, Lola (or Candy, Bambi, Sherri, insert sexy stripper name here) is squatting down writhing and showing off the goods, while this guy just stares at her bare vagina, mouth agape with an expression on his face like he's doing complex math in his head. The crippling fear of being ever being that guy is enough to keep me away from strip clubs aside from special occasions.

Happy 4th of July

Embry-NO!

2007-06-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

Embry-NO!
As expected, President Bush vetoed the stem cell research bill, once again letting his religious and moral beliefs affect his ability to do any good for this country. Said Hillary Clinton: "This is just one example of how the president puts ideology before science, politics before the needs of our families, just one more example of how out of touch with reality he and his party have become." Amen Sister! Where's your Myspace page? I'm sending you a friend request as I write this. Oh, how cute. Barak Obama left you a picture comment.

Bush claims that putting an end to a human life for research purposes (as opposed to oil, right?) is one line that he will not cross, yet he comes from Texas, a state that takes pride in how many criminals they kill. Apparently, once you commit a felony, you're no longer a human being in the eyes of the law (and the religious right). Hey! Why not conduct medical experiments on convicts? Or Iraqis! Wouldn't that solve everyone's problem? Holy crap! I could be president. Ok, I digress.

Calling a stem cell a human being is like a calling a cocoa bean a Hershey bar. There is a long way to go before totipotent cells (embryonic stem cells) even think of becoming a fetus. Most of the research being done can be conducted on pluripotent or multipotent cells, which are not embryonic stem cells. Also, do not confuse totipotent, pluripotent and multipotent cells with fluripotent cells, which I completely made up.

(Thanks to Trine for helping me straighten out some facts. In hindsight, "Who gives a flying fuck about embryos" isn't the most coherent argument.)

Within this debate, I often hear the term "playing God" thrown around by people who like clichés and don't like thinking for themselves. Well, you know what? The entire field of medicine is "playing God". I would not be here if my doctor hadn't played God 26 years ago, nor would my girlfriend or countless others who are not lucky to be genetically perfect. Medication is 'playing God.' Whether you're popping pills to keep your cholesterol down or your dick up, you're playing God. Those Christian Scientist fuckbags have a point; the difference is that I am not insane. I actually value human life so I say, "Bring it on Doc. Play God!" If you want to bring religion into this argument, one could argue that God gave us the technology to be able to use for the greater good, i.e. saving human lives and making sure that I can still rock a 3 hour and 59 minute long erection when I'm 70 without having to consult a physician.

Say What Now?
I recently read that a brand new video game called 'Manhunt 2' was banned by British censors for depicting 'casual sadism.' What is that? Torturing someone while wearing jeans?

You know what I love? Walk off home runs. Baseball season is a wondrous time of year. Go Sox!

Bruised Apple? Pilot Inspektor to the Rescue!
An intervention is needed. Celebrities are in crisis! It's common knowledge that many celebrities treat their kids like trophies, which is awful enough. Even the celebrities who do not adopt still find ways to let the world know they're selfish assholes. This is evident in the names celebs give their children. For example, Apple Martin, Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf-Lee, Suri Cruise and Coco Arquette are all real names bestowed upon celebrity spawn. Sly Stallone named his kid Sage Moonblood. I shit you not.

No kid is going to enjoy being named Apple or Coco. That sounds more like my breakfast than suitable names for a child. When Kal-el (Nicholas Cage's son) is getting beat up on the playground, the kids aren't going to care that his dad is famous, nor are they going to care that Kal-el is Superman's birth name. When Apple is being teased by the other kids, they won't care that her father makes boring music. I'm not saying everyone needs to be named Jessica or Joseph. There is certainly room for creativity and originality, but…come on. People are so fast to use the cliché "think of the children" so for fuck's sake, think of the children!

Grand Finales
Life doesn't always give you closure. Life doesn't always have neat tidy endings with clear and concise explanations as to what happened and why. So that's why we turn to TV! But sometimes, TV decides to fuck with our heads and give us a symbolic 'what does it all mean' ending that provides more questions than answers and just pisses us off. So we ask ourselves why we devoted the past 6 years following this television show (Sopranos!) just to have some artsy fartsy ending make us wonder if the power went out. Sometimes the pressure of it all can go to a script writer's head. David Chase knows he can't please everyone, so he opts to please no one but himself. Does Tony die? There are various signs that point to yes. That guy in the diner in the final scene happened to be the second cousin of a guy that Christopher 'whacked' back in episode 4 of season 3. What? You missed that episode? Damn, if only you'd had DVR back then. I haven't felt so empty by a series finale since Seinfeld. Then again, how do you end a show about nothing?

In all honesty, I'm over Sopranos. Some call the ending genius; others feel like they got 'whacked' in the end. But due to the fact that I've attended two wakes the span of six days, I can't help but think of finales. I began to ask myself how I would write the final day (episode) of my life I knew it was the end. Sometimes I picture an action packed episode with crazy explosions, fire fights and a climactic final scene! Perhaps even a topless scene. Hell, let's go full frontal. It's my last day! Other times, I think I'd opt for a dialogue driven, thoughtful and artistic ending with lots of symbolism, meaningful dialogue and, of course, a tastefully done full frontal nude scene. I'd go out with a simple final breath as the credits begin to roll; one final inhalation and then no more. It's an interesting thought to ponder and I'm honestly not sure how I would write it. All I know is that I would not let David Chase anywhere near the script!

By the way, one of the best, saddest, yet most satisfying finales I've seen was for the HBO show 'Six Feet Under.' Utterly amazing.

Why I Blog

2007-06-06T18:41:00.001-07:00

Recently, I was called to task about something that I wrote in one of my blogs. It wasn't so much a critique of my blog, or a particular comment, but a personal attack, which also involved some very harsh comments towards my girlfriend, whom this person does not even know. This all started because my religious beliefs and lifestyle choices do not match those of this particular individual, including where religion is concerned. While I do not aim to belittle anyone's religion, the fact that I was attacked because my beliefs (religious and otherwise) did not sync up with those of this person only emphasized the fact that many hide misplaced anger, hatred and narrow mindedness behind the guise of religion. Growing up, I was taught to believe that religion was about tolerance, acceptance and love of all human beings, but what I have seen throughout my life, including this person's email, does not coincide with those teachings. I often picture God up there shaking his head in utter disgust saying, "This is not what I had in mind." On the other hand, I've known plenty of religious folks who are good, kind and decent people and who do live motivated by love and acceptance. Anyhow, the events of the past few days have got me thinking about why I write these blogs, besides apparently securing myself a spot in Hell.

My prime motivation is to get my thoughts and feelings down on "paper." I am a writer. There's always been a part of me that needs to express itself through words and music. I also happen to have what I'm told is a pretty good sense of humor; therefore I aim to make people think and laugh through my writing. If you can't agree with me, at least you can laugh while disagreeing. The fact that I've gotten lots of hits and comments about my blogs (most of them very positive) keeps me motivated and extra vigilant. My mind doesn't stop, though sometimes I wish it did.

Sometimes I get angry and I use my blogs to vent. Angry? Me? Haha…Ok, I may not always research facts or put together the most coherent arguments. Sometimes it's just stream of consciousness writing; venting my frustrations. I use my writing to blow off steam, much as a radio host might use the airwaves (oops! Bad example given recent events ) or as a boxer might use a speed bag. Think of my blogs as my personal punching bags. The downfall here is that by committing those words to print, they have a way of being taken as concrete.

Often, I say things to get a rise out of people. I've written some pretty outlandish things; things I don't even believe, but I find humorous. I once wrote that I didn't like bananas because they are selfish for turning brown if you don't eat them after 2 or 3 days, like a kid who cries if he's not the center of attention. It was a dumb joke, and it seemed funny at the time. The truth is, folks, I love bananas. When they turn brown I just toss in em' in the freezer and use them in protein shakes for good post work out carbohydrate boosts. My point is that not everything I write is meant to be taken seriously. Do I really care about Oprah's book club? Not really. I just wanted to fill the space and it was fun to bitch about.

Lastly, I write about controversial issues and I do state my opinion. Yes, I'm pro-choice, and no, I have nothing against gays getting married. Have at it. I'm a very open minded person, I'd like to think, and while we may disagree on things, I would hope that we can co-exist and even have civil conversations and good natured, intellectual debate. If you don't agree with my opinions, perhaps you appreciate the approach I take, the humor I infuse in my writing, or my use of language. If none of those things move you, then you do not have to read my blog. But I will continue to write.

Deja Vu!

2007-06-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

Greetings and salutations!

Hold Your Applause!
In Galesburg, Illinois strange things are a-happening. Caisha Gayles graduated with honors last month, but she is still waiting for her diploma. Why? She and four others are being denied diplomas because their friends and families cheered too loudly for them as they crossed the stage at their graduation ceremony. I shit you not. This is yet another example of how our society is so ultra politically correct that they'll take absurd measures in order to avoid making anyone the least bit uncomfortable, whether it's those students who don't have lots of people cheering them on or other graduates' families. To the families: If people are cheering too loudly, too fuckin' bad. If you're the ones being obnoxious, perhaps try and keep your cheers at a respectful level. Graduation ceremonies are celebrations and should be treated as such. I think too many people forget what it was like to be young. And to students: If you have a group of people cheering for you, then good for you. If you don't, then get the fuck over it! The real world doesn't have a cheering section. Consider yourself ahead of the curve.

Regardless, it's not the fault of the graduates. If someone is acting inappropriately, then make them accountable. Often, a well placed "Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you in your sleep" can diffuse such a situation. If not, remove them from the ceremonies. Do not make the graduates suffer during what should be a memorable occasion. What kind of fucking idiots are running these events? Oh, that's right: the very same people responsible for educating today's young people. Interesting….

What a Pisser!
In Columbus, Ohio, the ACLU is fighting to have the identities of executioners revealed for public scrutiny after a number of botched executions. For instance, Christopher Newton's execution by lethal injection last month took 90 minutes and at least 10 stabs of the needle for the execution team to find a vein, which isn't so different from the people who set up blood drives when I was in high school, judging from half-dollar sized bruises they left on students' arms. The funniest part is that the execution took so long that they stopped to let Newton take a bathroom break. Seriously. If swabbing the arm with alcohol before the lethal injection isn't funny enough, this has to cause some laughter. In fact, I might need a bathroom break. What Mr. Newton may not have realized is that when a person dies, they...um, how do I say this? They involuntarily void their bowels. So any embarassment he was hoping to save himself was rendered pointless upon his death.

Hit the Road, Jack
Jack Kevorkian, lovingly known as 'Dr. Death' was released from prison last week. He walked out of Lakeland Correctional Facility in Coldwater, Michigan with his attorney and 60 minutes' resident octogenarian Mike Wallace. Kevorkian's stance on assisted suicide hasn't wavered, though he now vows to use only legal channels to try and get legislation changed regarding the controversial topic. In the meantime, Kevorkian has found another way to legally help people commit suicide: working at McDonald's.

Just Plain Creepy
Couples meet in all sorts of ways. I met my girlfriend online in a message board for people with liver disorders. Woody Allen met his wife when he married her mother. Some people even meet through classified ads in the paper, which is basically the old school version of online dating. However, the Hartford Advocate runs a feature called "Déjà Vu," by far the creepiest form of classified ads I've ever seen. This is an actual ad:

"Valentine's Day: Stop and Shop. 3:30 p.m., you were busy with a purchase. I noticed the warm energy radiating through you and felt as though it was directed to me. You seem like a strong, quiet, loving person and I felt very attracted to you. I like to dance and dream and ski. What about you?"

Basically, this freak show didn't have the balls to approach this person so they placed an ad in the paper taking the chance that the object of their desire was equally as lame and desperate. Not to mention that was Valentine's Day and it's now June, which gives the other person ample time to forget about the creep staring at them from check out counter. And before you ask, the reason I know about these types of ads is because a woman I used to work with told me she was mentioned in them on three separate occasions. My question is: how do you know? What prompts someone to even look in this section, let alone place an ad? What kinds of people are turned on by someone who doesn't even have the guts to approach you in person? If two people actually do find love (or lust) through these ads, then good for them. They deserve each other.

This Month in Life...

2007-05-31T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

To paraphrase Alvin and the Chipmunks, it's been a while but I'm back in style.

Sick on a Plane!
In Atlanta, Georgia, a man infected with the extensively rare and drug-resistant form of Tuberculosis known as XDR TB (whoa! Badass) knew he was not supposed to travel overseas but did so anyway. Go figure. The man is currently quarantined at an Atlanta, Georgia hospital. He claims health officials had said they "preferred" he not travel, but knew about his plans to go overseas for his wedding and honeymoon. Legallyl, he could not be stopped from flying. Ok, let me get this straight: They "prefer" you not fly with a highly infectious form of TB, but they absolutely will not let you on the plane w/ more than 3 ounces of shampoo. Our post 9/11 world is a strange place indeed.

Tubby Majority
Jerry Falwell, the evangelical minister and founder of the Moral Majority, the Christian right political movement, died a couple weeks back at the age of 73. He had a history of heart problems, which is no surprise, what with all the gays running around getting married and them women folk getting the abortions. Of all the important things that Falwell accomplished in his lifetime, which include founding a university, he will mostly be remembered his anti-gay rants aimed at Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby from that creepy kids TV show. I'm sure God would be proud.

Sofa King What?
Angelina Jolie plans to take a year off from acting to spend more time with Brad Pitt and their little trophies…err, kids. I'm not much of a thespian. I can't even act like I care.

Paris Hilton is "emotionally distraught and traumatized" over her 45-day jail sentence, said her psychiatrist. Hilton was sentenced due to violating terms of her probation stemming from an alcoholic-related driving incident. Does anyone really feel bad for Paris Hilton? Seriously? You know what makes me emotionally distraught and traumatized? The fact that I live in a world where people are so enthralled with a fugly anorexic socialite whose only real claim to fame is that her parents fucked.

Once a Cheetah, Always a Cheetah!
New research shows that female cheetahs in the wild are very promiscuous and nearly half of their litters are made up of cubs with different cheetah baby daddies.

The Zoological Society of London said, "While the serial infidelities of the females does ensure a broader genetic mix to help the survival of the endangered species, it comes at a cost."

Multiple cheetah sexual partners mean more risk of parasites and various Cheetah STDs, such as Cheetah herpes and Cheetah AIDS.

Plus, after the female cheetahs get freaky with all the male cheetahs in the immediate vicinity, they have to travel further to find cheetahs who they haven't done the dirty cheetah deed with, leaving themselves open to attack, meanwhile their cubs are left home alone without a cheetah father figure to look up to and they end up getting into all sorts of trouble, such as vandalizing trees and raping elk.

Lights out!
In New Zealand, a utility company cut off power to the home of Folole Muliaga, a woman connected to an electric oxygen pump, causing her death. The company insists it was not aware she was dependent on the machine. The family claims the company is calling them liars. The electric company then said: "Yeah, whatever, as if."

The 44-year-old mother of four died two hours after a contractor working for Mercury Energy cut power to the house over an unpaid bill worth 168.40 New Zealand dollars, which is $123 U.S.

Ok, so not to sound like a total asshole, but putting aside the issue of whether the power company knew of the woman's condition or not, if you were on a machine that was dependent on electricity, wouldn't you make it a priority to pay your electric bill? Or at least get a back up generator or battery? The electricity can go out for a variety of reasons and I'd want to be sure that if I needed electricity to live, I'd be well protected in case of inclement weather or any other circumstance that could render me without power. Regardless, her death was not in vain; it will make a great "Ripped from the Headlines" Law and Order episode! Dun-dun!

This month in life…
Though I haven't been blogging much in the past month, a lot has been going on. I've made about four trips to Miami to visit my girlfriend, whom I plan to move down to live with in the next few months. She's a great girl and I've always wanted to move to warmer climate. Recently, Miami was given the distinction of having the worst road rage of all major metropolitan areas. So I'll fit right in, except I'll actually be a legal resident with valid U.S driver's license.

Coincidentally, my mother, her boyfriend and my brother will also be moving to Florida this summer, which is great.

While on the topic of relationships (sort of), sometimes you do things for those you love that you normally wouldn't do. For example, last week I watched my first ever episode of So You Think You Can Dance, or as I prefer to call it: So You Call That a Camel Toe? Seriously, watch the show. You'll see what I mean. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the program. It's like American Idol, but entertaining.

Also, I recently announced that Championship Vinyl, the acoustic group that I've been a member of since 2003 w/ my best mate Beau, will be disbanding this summer. This is a bittersweet turn of events. Both Beau and I have plans to leave the state and move on to new phases in our lives, which is awesome, but it will also put a 13-year song writing partnership on hiatus. I don't want to say it's the end, because Beau and I will certainly be writing music and, technology permitting, new Champ Vinyl music is not out of the question.

In the meantime, we will be uploading new music (new songs, as well as live cuts from recent shows) and playing a couple farewell shows in Middletown. For more details, please check out Championship Vinyl's myspace page (www.myspace.com/championshipvinyl) and add us as a friend if you haven't already.

I aim to keep writing music and even playing some shows. I may or may not try and find new people to play with once I move to Miami, but for now I'm thinking the solo route may be the best way to go. That way I can get famous and check into rehab when the pressure of it all becomes too much for me to handle.

Also, I've been keeping up with my writing. Check out my CD reviews on http://www.theywillrockyou.com/, a kick ass music site.

Hope you all enjoyed the long weekend. Thanks for reading!

Virginia Tech

2007-04-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

As I'm writing this, it's April 20th; eight years to the day that Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris massacred 12 classmates and teachers at Columbine High school, and only four days after Seung-Hui Cho nearly tripled the body count during his rampage on the campus of Virginia Tech. The news is running with the stories and asking the questions that are on everyone's minds: What could have been done stop it? Who was Seung-Hui Cho? Why didn't anyone see the warning signs? Pardon the cliché, but hindsight is 20/20, and it's easier now than ever to go back and put together the pieces that we didn't even know were part of the puzzle.

There are plenty solutions to curbing this kind of violence; from the pointless zero tolerance rules, which only really infringe upon students' rights and piss everyone off, to the insane, such as one Hartford Courant writer advocating for the arming teachers and faculty for protection. (That in itself deserves an entire blog devoted to it. Stay tuned). The problem here is this is not the Sci-Fi movie Minority Report. You can't look into the future to who will commit what crimes and lock them up accordingly. You can't lock up every kid who wears a black trench coat, every boy who thinks guns are cool, and every kid who feels sad or who doesn't have many friends. You can't even take away people's rights by not selling a gun to someone who doesn't look wholesome. The warning signs are there, but these tragedies keep happening and it seems like only afterwards does it become clear just how dangerous these individuals were. Hell, even Cho went to therapy and was and labeled 'an imminent danger' and declared mentally ill by a Virginia special justice.

The easy solution to end this kind of school violence, in my opinion, is not possible. I believe the solution is to just ignore the violence. As I said, it's impossible. It'd be a real disservice to the victims and their families if we as a society (media included) just glossed over the incident and moved on without analyzing why it happened, who the victims were, who the killer was and what drove him to perpetrate what is now the worst school killing in history. On the other hand, all this attention is what these kids crave. Yes, the victims deserve to be recognized and memorialized. It is necessary and comforting to the families and friends. These 32 victims were not just nameless casualties, they were human beings with their own lives, own problems, and their set of better honed tools for dealing with those problems; tools that didn't included automatic weapons. They were friends, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, girlfriends and boyfriends. Yet, ultimately these moving tributes don't do much to dissuade future school shootings. This information will probably only validate our nation's future Cho's that killing is the answer. After all, if the victims didn't matter, then what would be the point? To me, it seems like a Catch 22; damned if you do, damned if you don't. Again, pardon the clichés.

I can't help but feel like this just plays into the killer's designs. He was a coward, a weak man who obviously couldn't handle life. Perhaps he just needed help and didn't know how to ask for it. More likely, he was offered help and didn't take it. What he did take were the lives of 32 other people.

In between rampages, Cho mailed a package, a "multi-media manifesto," to NBC. It contained videos, pictures and documents all detailing his motives and reasoning behind the violence. It gave America a glimpse into his psyche; if you've seen the news lately, you'll know that this was one fucked up kid. It almost serves as a warning to potential victims. 'Hey jocks/rich kids, you better watch out who you make fun of. They could be harboring homicidal tendencies.' Perhaps by explaining himself, Cho thought he could make people see his point of view and shift some of the blame onto the victims.

Ultimately, Cho is getting what he wanted. The world, especially the families of those 32 people, will remember his name. They may curse it, but they'll be remembering it. He's getting the recognition in death that he failed to in life. All this probing of his life, especially in the few years leading up the shootings, will only serve to validate that this shit stain somehow made a difference in this world. So until someone comes along and shoots up at least 33 fellow classmates, then Cho's name will forever be synonymous with the worst school shooting this country has seen.

It's a vicious cycle. While the media has the obligation to inform the public, I really believe that they're also playing a small (or perhaps not so small) part in creating the next massacre. Somewhere out there is the next Cho, perhaps sitting down in front of the TV right now, watching the news coverage and relishing the idea of having his name up on the screen one day. If attention and infamy is what you crave, shooting some classmates is pretty much guaranteed to provide it.

Let's just hope Bush doesn't consider the attack on Virginia Tech an act of terrorism and an excuse to send more troops overseas. Ok, I had to try and lighten things up a bit.

Parent of the Year….
In England, a mother forced her two year old son and three year old daughter to fight while she videotaped them, along with three friends, and shouted gay slurs at her son. They four women were given one year suspended sentences for child cruelty, which in layman's turns, means jack fucking shit. It's sickening to think that parenting is a right, while it should be a privilege. Just because you're biologically fit to be a parent doesn't mean you have any business being one. This is utterly fucking disgusting. I really can't think of any other way to put it, except that it makes Alec Baldwin look like father of the year.

'Shock jock' fired? Shocking....

2007-04-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

Good morning, all! Just a little news for ya. In addition to my blog, I am working on writing my first CD review (since college) for a kick ass website called TheyWillRockYou.com. I will let you know when it's posted so you can check it out. In the meantime, feel free to check the site out for interviews, concert and CD reviews as well as cool photos of some great bands.

Now the fun stuff!

Brutal Honesty
We've all heard the term 'brutal honesty.' In theory, it's not a bad thing; sometimes sugarcoating the truth does more harm than good. Iraq war, anyone? That being said, I'm sick of people being tactless and using 'brutal honesty' to back up their words. There is a time and a place for no-holds-barred honesty; however, there is a difference between brutal honesty and just plain being an asshole. You know the type; the kind of person who'd say something heartless and without tact and then follow it up with, "Hey, I'm a brutally honest person." No, you're not. Don't try to bestow any kind of virtue upon yourself and use honesty as an excuse for hateful words. You're not brutally honest, you're just brutal. Brutal honesty is best appreciated when it's given in a sincere form. It doesn't always have to be kind, but it doesn't have to be malicious.

Word!
"Conversate" is not a word. Sorry folks. You can make conversation, you can converse, but you cannot conversate.

Also, when a father and son go on a fishing trip, that's called bonding, not bondage. Bondage may involve fishing wire, but....well, let's just stop there.

This may all seem obvious to you, but I've heard people misuse the above words enough times to warrant a little space in my blog.

Urine Trouble!
A new study has found that niacin, the B vitamin popular for its rumored abilities to flush one's system of toxins and provide clean urine for drug testing, is not only ineffective, but has been linked to various health complications, such as rashes and even liver failure. Oops! So not only is there no real scientific evidence that niacin works, it might be worse for your body than the drugs you're taking in the first place! Listen, Cheech, it might be worth it to lay off the grass for a while if you want to get that job at Jiffy Lube.

Here we go again….
What a debacle this whole Imus ordeal has become. Radio personality and 'shock jock' Don Imus, called the Rutgers' women's basketball team a bunch of 'nappy headed ho's.' Well, the backlash has been pretty severe. I mean, calling someone a ho outside the context of a rap song? What kind of world are we living in?!

The latest is that CBS has cancelled Imus' radio show. It's a sad day for freedom of speech. The good news is that the Rutgers women's basketball team have accepted his apology; after he was fired, of course. No reason not to now. He's been made an example of.

First off, since when is calling a woman (of any race) a 'ho' worthy of this kind of attention or shock? You ever listen to rap music? Calling someone a ho is actually a term of endearment, or at least it is used as such. If you want to stop this kind of verbal abuse towards black women, and women in general, you have only to look towards rappers, most of whom are also black. This is one area that I actually agree with Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson about. I'm not an advocate for censorship, but I feel there is a double standard that exists that needs to end.

I've heard the audio of the remark. I believe Imus when he says he was making a joke. Granted, it was in very poor taste, but our culture is extremely two-faced when it comes to what words, and in what context, we will and will not accept. It's also dependent on who is saying them. Let's stop pretending it was the words that were really the offensive part and focus on the fact that it was an old white guy saying them. He gets labeled a racist and misogynist, whereas if he were black, he'd be…well, a hip hop superstar.

Imus is one of those types that is hired and gets ratings because of his controversial views, yet society acts appalled and shocked when he actually says or does something controversial. Should he have thought harder before he spoke? Probably. Do his words deserve the media attention they're getting? Not by a long shot.

By the way, has anyone even brought up the fact that the guy Imus was speaking with called the women's basketball team 'jigaboos?' That seems a lot worse than anything Imus said. Oh well....

Am I the Only One: Part V: Lord of the Rants

2007-04-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one sick of music reviews, critics, and most of all, fans who think they're critics? Seriously, log onto amazon.com sometime and read through user reviews. Every fucking music review should just read "(insert band)'s latest release is not as good as their last one." It's not even worth reading them anymore. Go online to I-tunes or Amazon.com and listen to music clips. Make up your own mind. It pays off. Listening to a bunch of tweenagers complain that My Chemical Romance's latest release just doesn't speak to their generation like the last album did is enough to make one sterile. Seriously, if I read the words "overproduced" and "sell out" one more time, I'm going puncture my ear drums with a screwdriver. To all bands: you cannot please your fans. Stop trying. Make music for yourselves and yourselves only. In fact, you're probably better off putting out a debut album, getting great reviews (nothing to compare it to of course) and then breaking up and reforming under a new name. Blame the fans for it, too, just to make them feel bad.

Am I the only who doesn't give a shit who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is? I'll admit I was once curious, but no more. I know that I'm not the father, and that's good enough for me. The only possible way to get me care about this is if it turns out her son was the baby's father. But, I don't think we'll be that lucky.

Am I the only one sick of reading about kids having sex? I don't care if it's with each other, or with teachers, animals, or trees. It's just getting obnoxious. I'm sick of reading about awkward pre-pubescent sex romps in our nation's schools. Though I suppose if they're old enough to do drugs and kill each other, then sex is probably the least harmful thing they could be doing; but only after they finish their geometry homework. I really hope their parents are firm on that rule. Regardless, I don't need to hear about it. I'm only concerned with the sex lives of two individuals: myself and my girlfriend. Can you see why I wouldn't make a good catholic? Ok, Ok, I'll stop. No more religion jokes today.

Am I the only one who is more than a little disturbed by people who admit to being bad drivers? Not to sound like a sexist, but I've heard this from a lot of girls. They think it's just hilarious that they are totally frightened to drive on the highway and that merging just about causes them to void their bowels. Yes, we get it. You need a big strong man to drive you home from work. Enough of that rubbish. You wanted your driver's license, so act like a responsible adult. There's nothing funny about poor driving.

Am I the only one who doesn't care about Oprah's book club? Seriously, the woman's busy. Between opening up all these schools, her TV show, her magazine, and her line of sex toys, her construction company, and her zoo for black orphans, do you think Oprah actually reads these books? I don't. I'm willing to bet someone on her staff writes up recommendations for Oprah to read aloud and pretend that she actually has read the book. Maybe she even has the author on to talk about the book. Who knows? I've never watched her TV show. All I know is that Oprah's Underpaid Staff's Book Club doesn't quite sound as exciting to those diligently waiting for directions. Some of you might disagree. Possibly Oprah does read the books herself. So what? Seriously, go to a library. They have plenty of books, many of which I'm sure are better than anything Oprah or her staff can come up with. Don't be afraid to think for yourself. It might be a little scary at first, but it's quite rewarding.

AM I the only one psyched that it's baseball season? Fuck yeah! Go Red Sox!

Am I the only one annoyed by rolling briefcases/bags? Seriously, when did this start? Why does everyone at work look like they're on their way to the airport? If you're just going to go upstairs and sit all day long at a computer (like me), it wouldn't kill you to exert your body a bit. And never mind the fact that anyone walking behind one of these jetsetters can't get by them without practically tripping over these stupid bags. Seriously, folks, a 10 lb laptop computer and a half-frozen Lean Cuisine do not necessitate rolling luggage.

I know I said no more religion jokes but….

Am I the only the one who wonders why we have no chocolate Jesus' on Easter? Seriously, Jesus, bunnies, eggs and chocolate are the big Easter icons. We have chocolate bunnies and chocolate eggs. Why no chocolate Jesus'? Perhaps nailed to a delicious wafer cross? A peanut butter filled Jesus would be delicious. I got it: Reese's Jesus. The marketing pretty much writes itself.

On that note, Happy Easter!!

Too Much Information (About Me)

2007-03-24T14:26:00.001-07:00

Hey all,

Like most guys, I think it'd be cool to have a son. Sometimes I think about being a father, how I want to raise my kids and the experiences I want them have. While chatting with my girlfriend the other day, I began detailing to her how the internet is ruining an important rite of passage for growing boys; the joy discovering the beauty of naked women courtesy of Playboy & Penthouse magazines.

When I was a youth, a few of my friends had fathers with Playboy magazines hidden in their closets or under their beds. My friends and I would sneak into their rooms and peek at the magazines, sometimes only pulling up the lower or upper edges of the page with hopes of catching a glimpse of bare flesh and fears of getting caught doing so. I remember one day my friend snuck a Playboy into the woods. I was in awe. The covers of the magazines were sexy and provocative and photos inside were like nothing I'd ever seen before. There was something forbidden and alluring about viewing those pictures. It was a time before I'd ever really thought about sex and never imagined anything beyond kissing a girl.

Sadly, with the advent of the internet, and the ease in which pornography can be accessed, it's just not the same anymore. I do not want my child to discover pornography searching the internet for information on the 'beaver' for his 3rd grade science report. I do not want my future son to discover the beauty of the female body via some triple-x website. Conversing with my child about the naked female form should be a time for father and son to bond, and a moment without the awkwardness of having to explain what a gang bang is. Pornographic websites are about getting off, plain and simple. As a young kid, that was not the object of the looking at the nude women on the glossy magazine pages. It was about curiosity and discovery, not sexual gratification. That's an innocence that, once it is gone, cannot be recaptured. Then again, sex fucking rocks, so no complaints here.

Too Much Information!!
I don't usually talk about my personal life too much in my blogs. Sure, I'll rant and rave about current events and hot button issues, which obviously give a glimpse into the way my mind works (scary, huh?), but you probably won't glean much about my personal life from my blogging. I've decided to change that with this week's blog. Rather than fill out some lame MySpace survey about my current crush or my favorite flavor of ice cream, I've decided simply to jot down 17 random things about me in a feature I'm calling…"17 Random Things About Me." Why 17? Simple. I was born on the seventeenth day of November. That's a free-bee. That doesn't count as one of my random things. Some of these things may come as a surprise, while others may not. Happy reading!

17 Random Things About Me
1. I do not drink alcohol or do drugs. I've had a few clove cigarettes with friends, but nothing otherwise. I'm not trying position myself on any moral high ground. These are the choices I have made and I'm proud of them, though I understand that they're not for everyone.

2. I have a rare liver disorder called Biliary Atresia. It basically means 'the partial or total absence' of bile ducts. I was a jaundiced (yellow) baby, but was very happy and always smiling. When I was six weeks old, I had surgery in which they repaired my bile ducts using my small intestine. It left me with a chance to live and a cool scar! And yes, this directly relates to #1.

3. My favorite ethnic food is sushi. At lunch the other day, my portion of the bill alone was almost $50. This is one area in which I have very little self control. If I won lotto, I would hire a full time on-call sushi chef.

4. I love Three's Company. I own the entire series on DVD. Yes, you can predict most of the jokes and yes, they're often cheesy. But none of that matters when I'm watching John Ritter's hilarious physical comedy and zany antics. Two dates one on night, Jack? Why don't you pawn one girl off on Larry? She thinks you are Larry? Only Jack Tripper…

5. When I was in fourth grade, I won $100 at school for selling the most candy bars for our fundraiser. I spent my winnings on G.I. Joe figures and accessories.
6. I love 80's metal. I grew up hangin' out with guys who were four and five years older than me and they introduced me to the wonderful world of rock n' roll and heavy metal. There will always be a place in my heart for Josh, Chuck, Brett, Ricky, Derek, Matt and the rest of the gang from Woodbury Circle. I remember countless Saturday nights with the radio tuned to WCCC's 'Pirate Radio' program, which broadcasted all the new tunes from bands like Poison, Ratt, Slaughter, Iron Maiden, Guns N' Roses, Enuff Z' Nuff, Warrant, Faster Pussycat, Skid Row, White Lion, Motley Crue, Great White, Whitesnake, Cinderella, Metallica, Megadeth, WASP, Anthrax and tons of others. Then, back when MTV actually gave a shit about music enough to play it, there was Headbanger's Ball, which captivated to me to no end and brought another dimension to my love of all things rock n' roll. Funny enough, of that group of guys, I'm probably the only one who hasn't ditched the hair metal for hip hop. Throw your devil horns in the air and wave 'em like ya just don't care!

7. My favorite comedian is George Carlin. I've seen him perform four times so far, including just a couple of weeks ago in New York. I admire the way he looks at the world. He's a bit cynical, a bit pessimistic, yet there's some optimism there if you look hard enough. He's not afraid to say what's on his mind and he's got a unique way of seeing through the bullshit that I find so incredibly refreshing. He makes me laugh out loud, yet he's so smart and thought provoking.

8. My first rock concert was Live w/ P.J. Harvey and Veruca Salt at the Meadows Music Theater (now known as Dodge Center) in Hartford, CT in 1995.

9. I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to admit that I've seen Tori Amos in concert four times. My high school girlfriend was a huge fan and got me hooked. I scored front row center seats in 1995.

10. My high school rock band, Radium Therapy, performed its first headlining show on May 12, 1995 at the HK Coffeehouse in Haddam. I was 14! We played a two hour set for friends and family.

11. One of my biggest fears has always been tornadoes. A weather condition that can pick up cars and hurl them through the air into the sides of houses? Pass.

12. I once ate an entire foot long steak n' cheese sub immediately after devouring an entire foot long bologna sub from Subway. That's two feet of sandwich in under an hour. And you know what? I was still kinda hungry.

13. I used to have long hair down to my shoulders. I usually kept it pulled back in a ponytail and as far as I know there are only two (2) pictures in existence of me wearing it down, though I can't seem to locate either of them. I cut my hair short on Feb. 9, 2000.

14. I started playing guitar at about age 9 (5th grade) and began playing the bass guitar in 6th grade. I've been involved music and bands ever since. In 2006, my acoustic group, Championship Vinyl, released our first CD, which is on sale now. I also recorded a solo CD in 2006, which I will gladly send in mp3 format to anyone who wants it.

15. I've always been a bit behind where technology is concerned. I didn't have internet or use email until I was in college. I didn't own a cell phone until after I had graduated college.

16. Two of my biggest pet peeves involve the shower. The first is when a person uses the shower and then turns the shower off by turning only the water off, and not the shower function. So when I go to shower, before I can adjust the water to a temperature of my liking, I'm hit with what is usually very cold water. The second pet peeve of mine is when a person uses the shower before me and doesn't towel off before stepping onto the bathmat and leaves it soaking wet. These people are, in my book, monsters.

17. I have always wanted to live in a warmer climate. By the end of 2007, I hope to relocate to Miami, Florida

D & G

2007-03-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

That's a rape!
Fashion duo Dolce and Gabbana pulled an advertising campaign that depicted a woman lying on the ground with one man arched over her, holding her wrist, as a few other men looked on. While D & G called it an 'erotic dream', critics dubbed this a 'fantasy' rape. Rape. Wow. Now, I realize that there are groups whose jobs it is to be offended by everything, but don't you think you're trivializing rape here? I mean, rape is a horrible and violent act perpetrated on both men and women. I can't help but feel like the emotional impact of the word might be lost a bit if someone calls rape every time a guy exerts, or appears to exert, any kind of power (physical or otherwise) over a woman in an advertisement.

On a personal note, I've heard numerous women say that they like a guy who isn't afraid to take charge and go after what he wants in the bedroom. I don't recall any of those women saying they want to be raped. Despite what National Organization for Women might want you to think, there's a big difference. So let's stop using "rape" as a buzzword to satisfy personal agendas and save it for when it actually means something.
Here's the link to the article for anyone who wants to read an interview with D & G.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17490782/site/newsweek/page/1/

Rings a Bell!
This kind of thing gets me thinking back to my graduate student days. During college, I took a couple courses that basically consisted of sitting around, looking at ads, and trying to find ways in which they demeaned women in order to have some debate. And guess what? If you try really hard and take your mind to ridiculous realms of thought, you can pretty much say that any ad that even features a female is offensive. Hint: the girl who used the word 'patriarchal' in the first class of the semester was a sure sign that things were gonna get interesting.

And they did. One class, she comes out with the idea that diamond rings are "rings of oppression." She explained that in the long long ago, men would tie their women up to symbolize that the women were like property. Fast-forward many moons, and now diamond rings are a remaining symbol of a man's ownership over a woman. While I agree that the former is possible, the latter is just pure bullshit. Always the one to try and stir things up, I asked, "So when your boyfriend proposes with a ring, you won't accept it?" She shot back with, "I'm going to marry a musician so he won't be able to afford one," which is a total cop-out response and a thinly veiled attempt not to make a hypocritical ass out of herself.

Try This At Home!
This is for the men. When it comes time to take that next step in your relationship, instead of buying your girlfriend an engagement ring, use the money for a down payment on a house, or perhaps start a savings account for your future child. Explain the reasoning behind not adorning her finger with a diamond. Then see if you can count to ten before she dumps you.

Or better yet, if you're already married, steal your wife's ring and pawn it for cash. Then use that cash to buy something less oppressive, like a flat screen plasma TV or a Playstation 3. Explain it's for the greater good of her gender. I'm willing to bet she says something like, "What stupid cunt told you that?"

Oops!
Oh, and by the way, men wear wedding rings, too. Ms. Feminist never accounted for that simple, yet vital, fact. Who's oppressing whom? Fucking idiot.

What's a timing belt?
Most of the debate of women's depictions in advertisements center on gender roles and stereotypes. These issues are not limited to the media. Speaking from my experiences, it seems as if certain women appreciate gender stereotypes, but only when not applied to them. For example, a girl expecting me to open the car door or pay for everything on a date is supposedly less sexist than me expecting her to be able to cook or sew. Women want men to have the best of both masculine and feminine traits, but expecting women to have some of those same feminine qualities is somehow sexist and wrong. Some may have the opinion that a guy is less of a man in if he can't fix a car, which seems to be somewhat acceptable, yet if I were to imply that a certain female were any less of a woman because she couldn't cook, then suddenly I'm the asshole.

Come one people, let's get real. Our genders beget certain expectations. It's reality. It's the basis of attraction and of traditional gender roles, many of which are perfectly reasonable and not archaic in the least. It's the reason when I go out, I don't look for the chick with the mullet arm wrestling the bouncer for fun, nor do most girls look for the guy braiding his friend's hair in the corner booth. It's not always right, but it's not always wrong. I'm not into cars, but I don't get offended when an ad depicts an ultra muscular handsome guy as the driver/owner of Brand X car. Everyone benefits from gender stereotypes, yet we all lose out a little, too. There will always be gender roles that you'll fit, while others you may not. There are always gonna be expectations that you'll meet and exceed, while others will always be unrealistic. Most girls are not size zero supermodel types, but most guys don't have six pack abs and bulging biceps. While gender relations are not perfect, the playing field is more level than it's ever been. So let's just all shut the fuck up and enjoy each other for what we are: human beings.

Anna, We Hardly Knew Ye...

2007-02-27T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hey All!

I recently moved into a new apartment and have come to find out that my neighbor (who shall remain nameless due to the fact that I don't know his name) has night terrors. How do I know this? About a week after I moved in, I began hearing moaning sounds. Naturally, at first, I thought he was having sex. Good for him! As long as he keeps the noise down and I can still hear the snappy dialogue of Ass Goblins III; we can't all have girlfriends who live in state.

Anyway, after a few nights of this, I noticed that there were no other voices, female or otherwise, nor any of your usual sex talk ('Ooh, that feels good,' 'take it all', 'oops. Wrong hole!'). Now, you may wonder 'was he simply taking matters into his own hands?' I thought about that, but don't believe self gratification to be the case. Then, the other night, the moaning began around 10pm and lasted well past 4am. I know this because I was periodically awakened by it. Some of it sounded like the usual exaggerated moans, but other times he sounded downright frightened. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that my neighbor has frequent nightmares. I am only sharing this with you because it's kind of interesting. And I really wanted to use the 'wrong hole' joke. Sweet dreams!

Partly cloudy with a chance of my foot in your ass!
I don't care much for weathermen. I'm not sure what they're like in other parts of the country, but here in the Northeast, especially this time of year, weathermen seem extremely arrogant and condescending to their public. I'll be watching the news on a mild winter day, like many we've had this year and the weatherman will say something like, "You think this mild weather's going to continue? Think again!" Why not add "asshole" at the end just to drive the point home? Truthfully, I don't like their tone. I don't like to feel like I'm being talked down to by someone who basically plays with a video game all day. Or when they pull this shit: "It's going to be a messy commute tomorrow morning. Tune in at 11 to find out just how messy." No, dickweed, tell me NOW. If I stay up past 11 pm, only to find out that I'm going to have to get up extra early tomorrow because I'll have to de-ice my car and my usual 20 minute commute is gonna be doubled, then, my friend, I've just fucked myself out of quite a lot of time. I look forward to the day that weather.com and the Internet put these putzes out of work. And what about weathermen who live in climates that are pretty much stable all year long? Like San Diego. How must it feel to know your job can be replaced by a window?

No woman, No Cry
In Tennessee, a man busted into his neighbor's apartment armed with a sword after hearing what he thought were the sounds of a woman being raped! Turns out, the neighbor was just watching a pornographic movie. How awkward. That reminds me of the time that I called Animal Control on my neighbor after hearing what I thought was a cat being sodomized while the radio played. Turns out, it was just an Ashlee Simpson video. Believe me, anyone can make that mistake.

So I've gotten the impression that those from other parts of the world seem to think that we Americans don't know much about what goes on in other parts of the world. And honestly, I tend to agree with this. What with American Idol, Anna Nicole Smith's body/baby drama, and Britney Spears slowly going fucking bonkers, who has time to care about the rest of the world? Well, I do.

In the UK:
Prince Harry will be deployed to Iraq in a few months to begin serving his country by living out every adolescent boy's fantasy of driving a fuckin' tank! Bloody awesome! And when he's not leading his battalion into battle, he'll be pretty easy to spot: he'll be the fellow goose-stepping his way across Baghdad. Seriously, Harry, leave the Nazi uniform at home. You're about 65 years too late. Cheerio!

In Amsterdam:
Beginning March 4, a gym in Amsterdam is offering training sessions for nudists. The staff will be fully clothed and there to eject anyone who comes to the gym just to ogle the nekkid people. I'm assuming the staff will be extra vigilant in making sure that patrons wipe down the machines after use. Gross! By the way, much like the topless deck on a cruise ship or a nudist beach, the people who will likely take advantage of this offer are probably not the type of people you'd like to see getting buff in the buff. And frankly, there are some exercises that no one should have to watch people do while naked. Squats anyone?

In Afghanistan:
President Cheney is unhurt after a suicide bomber blew himself the fuck up outside of the military base that Cheney was staying at. The Taliban claimed responsibility (they posted a bulletin on their MySpace page) and said Cheney was the intended target of the attack. The Afghan president put the death toll at 23, while U.S military said it's more like…nine, and also said that Cheney was NOT the intended target. So the truth lies somewhere in between what our less-than-honest and up-front government tells us and the word of a bunch of overzealous religious terrorist assholes. In other words...who wants pancakes?! I'm making pancakes for breakfast! Pancakes, anyone?

Even Without the Ringmaster, the Circus Continues:
Remembering Anna Nicole Smith

Thanks for the Mammaries…
The many phases of Smith's celebrity:
· hot and naked in Playboy
· bangin' the old guy and trying to get his money
· fat, gross and stupid on her TV show
· back to hot and skinny in diet pill ads.

She wanted to be like Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it that Elton John and Bernie Taupin will once again collaborate to rewrite "Candle in the Wind" in tribute to Smith. "Goodbye Trim Spa's queen…." It's a nice thought.

Did you know? Smith willed her entire estate to her dead son and then her infant daughter was awarded custody of her body. Her body will be buried in a cemetery on the Moon, next to the graves of Santa Claus and Barney the Dinosaur.

Judge Babypants
When Judge Larry Seidlin awarded custody of Smith's body to the guardian ad litem for Danniellyn, Smith's infant daughter, he did so while in tears. He claimed to have "suffered" right along with the parties involved. Wow. What kind of people are they letting sit on the bench these days? Aren't judges supposed to be unbiased? Then you have this guy sobbing away like a little girl. What excuse is there for this inappropriate show of emotion? Wait! Could it be that he's the baby's real father? I wouldn't be shocked. The potential list of baby daddy's is beginning to look like a who's who of…..men. Good lord. I'm sure even Marilyn Monroe said "no" once in a while.

Final thought: If you took Britney Spears' children and put them into the custody of a manic depressive child molester with obsessive compulsive disorder, I'm betting they'd still have a better chance at leading a normal life than they do now.

Body Talk

2007-02-02T16:15:00.000-08:00

This just in: Tyra Banks gains even more weight by eating up way too much of this country's time and attention.

Quick question: If a vampire coughs up blood, how does he know if he has a serious medical issue, or is just throwing up his dinner?

Glow job
Scientists have found that jumping spiders of both genders seem to 'glow' under UV light and this helps attract mates, as well as scare off other potential predators. According to CNN.com, "Under ultraviolet light, the male and female were seen to hit the 'dance floor' with their bodies aglow" and that "such striking differences between male and female coloration under UV light are crucial in courtship for these jumping spiders." Sounds like the arachnid's equivalent of a rave! If you're wondering how scientists came up with the idea to research this, the conversation went something like this:

Scientist #1: Did you get laid this weekend?
Scientist #2: Nope. But I was thinking about spiders having sex. Do you think they glow?
Scientist #1: Like light sabers in Star Wars?!
Scientist #2: Exactly!

Stupidity: It keeps on growing and growing and growing
In Chattanooga, Tennessee, six high school girls were charged with homicide conspiracy when officials discovered a list of 300 names & online postings suggested that they kill the people listed, which included classmates, school faculty, Oprah, Tom Cruise (understandable), and the Energizer Bunny. While officials are patting themselves on the back for discovering the list and preventing a possible outbreak of violence down the road, it seems to me that they're overlooking the fact that these morons were plotting to kill the fucking ENERGIZER BUNNY! Trust me, whatever anyone has done to these girls, I would bet my life that the Energizer Bunny played absolutely no role in it, unless perhaps he learned to play the bass drum in their high school marching band and then refused to dance with the girls at Homecoming, but that's doubtful. Anyway, I don't need a punch line or joke to end this paragraph. These six dipshits are living punch lines to jokes that weren't very funny to begin with.

Garnering attention
Something is amiss in the following headline: Jennifer Garner almost loses expensive ring. Did she lose it? Nope. She almost did. Somehow, that made a CNN headline. Something that did not happen makes the news, which even surpasses the stupidity of being kept abreast of the state of Lindsay Lohan's appendix, which, I'm told, was given to Tom Cruise for some scientology ritual-slash-pot luck dinner. This culture's celebrity obsession just slays me. In fact, I ALMOST threw up in my mouth. Scratch that. I definitely did.

Show me the body!
Wouldn't it be cool to discover a dead body? I don't mean the body of a loved one or someone you know. That's just awful and I'm really not trying to be morbid. Picture this: you're walking through the woods one day and you see something partially obscured under a pile of leaves and, lo and behold, it's a dead body. How exciting! I'm not sure whom I would call first; Police? Girlfriend? Mom? Would I leave and come back with some friends? Would I just leave and let some other lucky soul find it? That would be a generous thing to do. Then again, there's a good chance there are family members wondering what happened to the person, so it's probably best to report it as soon as possible. I think it's important to be aware of these things in the event that you stumble upon a corpse. It never hurts to be prepared. Maybe you'd even get to go on TV and talk about it. You'd have a great story to tell at parties, weddings, school, church or wherever you feel the need to talk about your find. Believe me, any conversation that begins with "Do you remember the time I found a dead body?" is sure to be an attention grabbing one.

Remember that movie Stand By Me, starring Corey Feldman and River Phoenix? It was a coming of age tale based on short story by Stephen King called "The Body." A group of kids heard about a body in the woods and made it their mission to go find it. They packed lunches, fire crackers, and had all sorts of adventures on the way, including almost getting run down by a train, attacked by guard dogs and, of course, leeches. Gross. But all ended well when they discovered the body of Ray Brower, who had been struck by a train. Sadly, this was the highlight of Corey Feldman's and River Phoenix's life and career. Jerry O' Connell got thin and then went on star on "Crossing Jordan" and bang Rebecca Romaijn (Uncle Jesse's ex wife). Wil Wheaton starred on "Star Trek: The Next Generation," with Levar Burton, who played on Reading Rainbow. Oh wow, that takes me back. But seriously, I've gotten off on a tangent. Hey speaking of getting off….

Buncha jerk-offs
You know what's not cool? Auto-erotic asphyxiation, which is the practice of depriving oneself of oxygen as you have an orgasm. The point? Apparently it's mind blowingly (yes, that is a word for today) good. But timing is everything and people tend to fuck it up and die. Then the parents find them dead with their pants around their ankles. Of course, to avoid the embarrassment of the situation, they report it as a suicide, therefore our country's suicide statistics get inflated and it's just an all around hassle for everyone. You know what really enhances an orgasm? Having someone else in the room. The best orgasms are the ones I don't give myself. These people who choke themselves are just lazy and greedy. Stop it!

'Tis all for now, folks. Enjoy your weekend!

The Golden Rules

2007-01-20T14:31:00.000-08:00

I think I've finally figured out what makes me feel old. I don't have any gray hairs, I'm in good shape and I'm free of wrinkles and age spots, yet I still feel like an old man sometimes. Do you know why? It is because this month's Playboy Playmate was born in 1987! Twenty fucking years ago! I remember being a youngster and sneaking peeks at my friend's father's Playboy magazines and the women were all so much older and sophisticated. And naked. Can't forget that part. But still, nothing seemed so out of reach than a fresh faced 19 year old girl laying on a bear skin rug or bent over the hood of corvette. Well, now those 19 year old girls are still pretty much out of reach, but for a different reason. I'm old!

OMG! Guess what I'm doing?! LOL
I saw a news blurb debating if sending an email during sex was a sign of 'technology gone awry'. Um, no it's not. It's a sign of sex gone awry. If you're so tuned out during sex that you are sending emails, then it's bad sex. If you're having sex and doing something other than….having sex, then it's not the other activity that's the issue, it's you and/or the sex. Shame on CNN.com for asking such a stupid question. Slow news day, apparently. I should send them an email right….oh yeah, that's good…oh yeah…that's how I like it…..NOW!

Hung like a dictator!
Whether it's setting themselves on fire like Beavis and Butthead or doing 'Jackass' style stunts with painful results, one thing is clear: children can be stupid, and they love to imitate stuff they see on MTV. But apparently in the Middle East, the execution of Saddam Hussein is playing out similarly. There have been numerous cases of children imitating the mad dictator's demise. According to CNN.com, "One 12-year-old Saudi boy died after using a chair and a metal wire to hang himself from a door frame, while another in Algeria was found hanging from a tree." There have been numerous other cases of children dying from imitating Hussein's hanging. Now why would this be an issue? Said CNN.com, "Many were impressed by his dignity on the gallows in the face of insults hurled at him in his final moments and some praised him as a hero" and that way Hussein's execution played out caused some to "momentarily forget his past record." Considering how botched things have gotten in Iraq, it's only fitting that we somehow make Hussein look like a hero in the wake of his execution.

But Hussein's death pales compared to the execution of his half brother whose head snapped right off because the person in charge of determining the appropriate length of rope to use underestimated just a 'smidge.' Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What a job, right? I'm logging onto Careerbuilder.com right now to see if there are any openings! Keywords: rope estimator hanging. Hope my resume is updated! I'm gonna put that master's degree to use FINALLY!

But seriously, it reminds me of the guy whose only job as a mechanic is to change tires, yet he forgets to put the lug nuts on and your tires fall off as your pulling out the parking lot. It's hard to find good help these days!

Golden Rules
The golden rule says to "treat others as you want to be treated." Well, what if you're a masochist? You derive pleasure from pain so you inflict pain on others, as the golden rule would seemingly dictate. But you do so unto those who do not share your affection for pain. So, really you're breaking the golden rule. If you were a masochist, you'd want people to treat you the way you want to be treated (pain) by treating others the way they want to be treated (pleasure). But if someone didn't realize you were masochistic, and they, too, chose to abide by the golden rule, then they would treat you nicely, which in-turn would upset you. Then again, you might like that.

Ok, so where did that come from? I've been doing some thinking about what makes a 'good' person. I'm not a very religious person right now, but I don't believe that I have to align myself with a religious institution in order to be seen as a good human being. I have a little golden rule of my own: Don't be an asshole. In other words, be a good person. I'm sure everyone has their ideas of what makes a good person, and our government has certain laws designed to keep us in line. While some of them are absolutely ridiculous (and should be broken as you see fit), the basics are pretty reasonable, and can be seen as an appropriate measuring stick for 'goodness.' Immanuel Kant said we have a moral duty to uphold that isn't governed by religion or society, but by the will to do good. (Thank you Trine). I've come up with a few "rules" for being a good person. They don't involve God, prayers, church, tithing, goat sacrifice, saying 'candy man' three times in the mirror, or any other sort of religious activity. Let's call them Ryan's Simple Rules for Being a Decent Person, and it's a work in progress. Here's what I've come up with so far:

Treat others with the respect they deserve. But not necessarily the respect that you want to be treated with. Some people don't deserve a lot of respect. That's just reality. But respect is key. If you don't have people's respect, you don't have much.

Be courteous. If someone says "hi" to you, acknowledge them back verbally or even with a wave. There's nothing worse than someone who just ignores a pleasantry. Assholes. On a related note, hold doors for people, and say "Thank you" when someone does something nice, such as lets you cut in front of them at the supermarket, lends you five dollars, or gives you a blow job.

Respect yourself. People can tell a person who has absolutely no self respect. Usually, they just have to watch afternoon talk shows to find these classless people, or perhaps take a trip to your local Wal-Mart. Dress and act like you actually care how others see you. Present yourself in a light that accentuates your good points, which extends beyond the physical. Don't confuse this with letting other people dictate how you live your life. There's not a whole lot of respect in that either.

Laugh. Have a sense of humor. It makes life so much easier. If you really try you can find the humor in almost anything. On a related note, I'm no longer allowed at my local Planned Parenthood. But that's a story for another time.

Cry. Don't let people dictate what emotions you can and cannot have or show just because of your race or gender. Emotions are a fact of life. One sign of being a strong person is to be able to show appropriate emotions, even if it involves crying at the end of 'My Girl' or when Montel Williams reunites the midget hooker with her long lost father. There just aren't enough tissues for that.

Be a good driver. Show some respect on the road and awareness of your fellow human being. Bad drivers kill people. But I've touched upon this in previous blogs.

Find an outlet. Do something for yourself. Whether it's writing, music, video games or sodoku, find something to enjoy to take your mind off of life's everyday hassles.

Like I said, it's a work in progress, but the ideas are sound and I welcome any of you to send your ideas about what makes a 'good' person.

Save the Music

2007-01-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Let's start the new year off with a bang!

Armed and Famous
When I first heard about this show, I actually thought that it was a reality show about celebrities like Latoya Jackson and Ozzy Osbourne's kid training to become real cops who get to carry real weapons and actually go out on patrol. Then I—wait, are you fucking kidding me? It is? Is it possible for TV to be so terrible that I get nostalgic for the good ol' days of 'Temptation Island' and 'Who Wants to Marry My Dad?' Oh goodness….

This one's for the ladies….

The i-brator
Someone was bound to think of it and I wish it had been me. There is a vibrator called the OhMiBod that actually syncs up with your I-pod to vibrate to the rhythm of the music, thus realizing the fantasy of millions of women worldwide to be able to come to sultry sounds of Lil' Jon and the East Side Boyz. Skeet skeet motherfucker. Sounds pretty hot, right? Please note: playing an R. Kelly song will actually only cause you to pee yourself; A Coldplay song might make you fall asleep before you can climax. You can play U2 and have 10% of every orgasm donated to a starving African kid. That's something we can all feel good about. Just don't get off to a band like 4 Non Blondes: you'll have one orgasm and never be heard from again.

Holy Shiite!
According to reports, people are hung up (pun!) about the manner in which Saddam Hussein was executed. Some call it justice, while others are calling it merely a lynch mob at the hands of the Iraqi government, which makes America look really bad. And to think, we've handled this Iraq situation so well thus far.

Have you seen the cell phone footage? Seriously, what kind of cell phone was being used to capture the execution? Impressive. I know my cell phone doesn't capture video that clearly. Call me tactless, but I see a marketing opportunity here. "Hang on! I have Saddam on the line." Pun city, baby. Pun city.

Between the Michael Richards debacle and the Hussein execution, cell phone video is getting quite the reputation for being on the forefront of today's hard news. I mean, if a cell phone video of Lindsay Lohan's appendectomy surfaces, I think it's safe to say the future of digital media is here! I think that's something even Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump can agree on.

The Police might be reuniting! I have nothing bad to say. I love the Police! Fuck yeah! Songs like "So Lonely" and "Don't Stand So Close to Me" were the soundtrack to my college years! ....There's a joke in there somewhere.

Who nailed whom?
Home Depot CEO Robert Nardelli (haha…Nard) resigned amidst criticism of his performance and the company's stock value falling over his six years as CEO, despite doing well in sales. Sucks right? Pretty sweet job, huh? I wouldn't want to give up that job. Unless of course I could do so with a severance package of, say, $210 million dollars in cash and stock options. But that would be ludicrous and there's no way anyone could get that kind of deal. I mean--Wait, you're fucking kidding me! He did? I give up. What kind of screwed up world are we living in where being bad at your job nets you more cash than everyone else who works for your company combined? Suddenly drug abuse and alcoholism make so much more sense.

Ok, so here's the rant for today:

You know what commercial I hate?! The cell phone commercial where those two guys download The Clash's 'Rock the Casbah' and then spend the rest of the commercial trying to figure out what the lyrics are. The fucking lyrics to 'Rock the Casbah' are…rock the casbah!! I see the point they're trying to make, but it's a terrible song choice. Shame on the marketing executive that came up with that one.

This highlights another point. As someone who actually likes music and musicians, this culture of 'singles' and downloading one song here and there versus actually buying whole albums upsets me. In 20 years, are bands even going to continue releasing full length albums? Why bother? Music as an art form will slowly die away while bands will just be responsible for sitting around with their agents, hair stylists, personal trainers, wardrobe technicians and a team of songwriters all conspiring to make the hit single, instead of exercise any true creativity. And if I sound bitter, it's because I'm a musician who writes original music. I should have brought sexy back! I'm fuckin' Fergilicious! How did I not think of that? I'm probably aiming too high. If you can dance to something, I suppose the lyrics and substance of the song are pretty much irrelevant. While sex certainly does sell, is it too much to hope that creativity and intelligence play any role whatsoever?

I feel like music is barely hanging on as an art form. It's not about appreciating an artist for their music or looking at an album as a whole. It's about creating singles that people can sing and dance along to like zombies. Think Michael Jacksion's 'Thriller' video come to life. The proof: NOW That's What I call Music volumes 1 through 950. People are too busy to come up with their own preferences so they opt to purchase collections of "good" music spoon-fed to them with no thinking required. Sorry to break it to ya, but liking one Green Day song doesn't necessarily make you a Green Day fan.

Don't get me wrong: While I do occasionally download albums off I-tunes, I still love buying CDs and I hope they never go away, despite the popularity of digital music. I love the discs themselves, the artwork and I love the way they look lined up in my shelves. One thing I dislike about downloading music (legally) is that often even when you purchase the music, you are still limited as to what you can do with it. Either you can only burn it to CD a finite amount of times or you can't transfer it to your brand "X" mp3 player because you can only listen to it on an I-pod. On Sundays. Between the hours of 3 and 6 pm.

Save the music!

Enjoy your weekend!!!

Routine Blog!

2006-12-31T15:56:00.000-08:00

Breaking news! Saddam Hussein executed. Lindsay Lohan's New Year's Eve plans not affected.

Have you all made your New Year's resolutions? I have not. In fact, I'm not going to. I have some goals for the New Year, but I don't bother with resolutions. Though, I have some suggestions for those of you who do.

Take small steps. I think the problem with New Year's resolutions is that many people make their resolutions too big, too soon. For instance, instead of resolving to quit smoking cold turkey, do so in manageable steps with a not-so-distant future date set for quitting entirely. Here's why I'm suggesting baby steps: Let's say a guy resolves to stop smoking (cold turkey). Then, on January 4, he gets into a fight with a girlfriend, probably over something ridiculous like money or punching her in the face when he was drunk the other night. So he starts hittin' the Jameson and decides he needs a cigarette. Well, he's already blown it. So why stop now? He develops this defeatist mentality because he's already blown his resolution so early into the New Year. The natural reaction is to say "fuck it" and start shootin' smack and pimping his girlfriend to make the rent payments. Next thing you know, he's in prison 'slingin' tits' to keep the Aryan brotherhood at bay.

However, if his goal was to smoke less with the goal of quitting altogether by a feasible date in the future, then he still has a good chance at meeting his objective, thus keeping his sanity and well-being in check without the hassle of having a swastika carved into his ass. I've always felt that New Year's resolutions place too much pressure on an individual to change right away with no buffer zone.

Make realistic goals. People can't just change overnight and it doesn't help to set unrealistic standards for yourself such as the aforementioned ceasing use of tobacco products, losing weight, becoming a nicer person, or solving world hunger. Face it, you're going to be an emphysemic fat asshole for the rest of your life. Ok, just kidding. But why not resolve to do something small at first? Perhaps eat less red meat, give up sugared soda, take some guitar lessons, or buy that new pornographic DVD you've been wanting. Imagine how many ways that will make you feel good. In fact, I can teach you guitar lessons. And then we can watch the porn. But you can't sleep over. I'm not a whore.

Think outside the box. I always hear about the same clichéd resolutions (see above!). Snooze fest, my friends. Why not dare to be different? Why not resolve to gamble more? Developing a new addiction is not something many people make it a point to do, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. How about putting on some weight? While all of your friends are trying to lose inches and get in shape for the new year, why not resolve to pack on 10 lbs of pure lard? Go on girl! Go up 4 dress sizes. That way when all your friends are having salad at dinner, you can look at the waitress and say, "The salad sounds good. Can I get it fried?"

Whatever your resolutions may be, I wish you all the best!

The Routine.

Ok, so here I go again with another blog. I do this every week. It's kinda my routine. But it's not all that bad. The word "routine" really gets bad rap. It is defined as "a regular course of procedure ... a habitual or mechanical performance of an established procedure," according to Merriam-Webster online dictionary. Synonyms for "routine" are often drab, like "plain Jane" and "unremarkable." This word really can't catch a break. So, I am going to attempt to defend the "routine."

Routine is everywhere so we might as well get used to it and like it. Routine is a fact of life. I get up, go to the gym, go to work, come home, eat dinner, check my email, watch a bit of TV, and crank one out to an episode of 'Full House' (I usually finish up right before Danny Tanner has his heart-to-heart father-daughter talk with DJ, Stephanie or Michelle. That shit just kills the mood.) Then I go to bed. That's pretty much my routine. And within that routine are other routines.

In the mornings I'm at the gym. There, I've got a whole other routine: my workout. My friend comes up to me and says, "Hey, I just started a great routine!" His friend comes up to him and says, "After a while your muscles get bored and accustomed to your workout. You should change your routine up every couple months." So I say, "Okay, well, the idea of changing the routine up every couple months is a patterned behavior that eventually becomes routine." This kind of intellectualizing does generally not occur at the gym. In real life, the above conversation would be a series of grunts interrupted by brief stares at the girls on the treadmills.

Here's another example: Some guy goes home and his girlfriend says, "Our love life has become routine. I need you to be more spontaneous." So he surprises her with something new and different every single night until even that becomes routine. "Honey," she says, "the idea of me coming home from work every night not knowing what to expect from you is becoming routine. Maybe you could just stick to one thing. You know, for a change." Does this example make much sense? No. Then again, neither do a lot of women.

There are some times you want things to be routine. Like at the doctors. You want the doctor to tell you that you'll be undergoing a "routine procedure." It implies that you'll be okay and that the doctors are proficient in the practice of said procedure. It's a lot more comforting than, "Well, we've never really done this before. In fact, you're the first. We'll probably fuck it up and kill you. Hope you've updated your will."

When it comes to food, I tend to eat many of the same things at the same times of day. It keeps me energized and I know what kind of foods my body likes and reacts well to. Veterinarians say to feed your dog or cat the same food because if you change it, they become finicky and won't eat. They thrive on routine. Perhaps we could learn something from our pets, besides the idea that being able to lick our own crotches would eliminate a lot of the desire to go out on Saturday nights.

Basically, I've always felt people have too many options and sometimes that can lead to being easily dissastisfied. I like routine. Yes, I do like some spontaneity, but for the most part, I'm a guy who appreciates structure and being able to plan certain aspects of my life accordingly.
Happy New Year!!!!!

Holy Shit! It's Christmas!

2006-12-23T15:58:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone!

This is my Christmas blog, not my holiday blog and most certainly not my winter blog. See, for some reason, our country is so obsessed with political correctness, that we've convinced ourselves that wishing a Merry Christmas to someone of another religious affiliation is bad when it's not. This was NOT an issue when I was younger.

Jewish people are not offended by Christmas. If the phrase 'Merry Christmas' was anti-Semitic, Mel Gibson would have let us know. Hanukkah is only really associated with Christmas because of its timing on the calendar, but it is not a major Jewish holiday.

And growing up, all the black kids I went to school with celebrated Christmas, not Kwanzaa. And, maybe it's just me, but the idea that 'you're black, you must celebrate Kwanzaa,' almost seems a bit racist to me, which defeats the purpose of all the politcally correct bullshit. So let's get our heads out of our asses and just celebrate. It's fucking Christmas!

Oh, and Wal-Mart employees being encouraged to guess the religious affiliations of customers is probably one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. "Well, sir, he looked like a Jew!" As if you needed another reason to hate that store.

Oh, the Guilt!
Don't you hate it when you get a gift from someone you're not expecting, perhaps a friend you don't see often, a casual acquaintance, or a co-worker? Then you gotta pretend that you have a gift for that person, but just forgot it. "Hey, Joey, look I'm really sorry. I had your gift at home. I thought to myself 'I gotta remember that gift for that awesome guy Joey.' In fact, I left it right next to a note that said 'bring Joey's gift.' I'm really sorry, man." Then you hope you don't see him for a while and he forgets. Meanwhile, his gift to you is a constant reminder of what an asshole you are. Joey ruined Christmas. Again.

That said, there are many things I love about this time of year: spending time with friends and family, seeing the festive decorations, eating great food, taking time to think of, and help out, those less fortunate than ourselves while at the same time trying not to make eye contact with the Salvation Army solicitors outside of the supermarket.

I also love hearing the Christmas music. As cheesy as it sometimes can be, the music is, for the most part, the one aspect of the holiday that still reminds me that Christmas is about more than just buying shit. So yes, I like the music. Ok, most of the it. For your reading pleasure, I've compiled a list of Christmas songs that I'm not too keen on.

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer
The festive nature in which this song is sung and revered is quite disturbing. While it is true that holidays and vehicular homicide often go hand in hand (drunk driving, anyone?), it's still odd to think that one can smile, toss back some egg nog and sing about one's grandmother being brutally killed by a reindeer, and on Christmas Eve of all days. Tragic. However, what some don't realize is that grandma's luck had been running out even before Christmas Eve, as evidenced by the less than renowned 'Grandma Got Raped by the Easter Bunny.'

Last Christmas
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart/The very next day you gave it away." Wham! gave us this classic holiday ode to one-night stands. Though I suppose it's better than "The money is on the dresser, bitch. Good luck finding a cab on Christmas."

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Infidelity is not funny, let alone appropriate for the subject for a Christmas classic. This song is sung from the point of view of a voyeuristic child who witnesses his mother cheating on his father with Santa Claus, someone who is supposed to represent innocence and joy to a child. Now I know that you'll probably say that the mommy was really kissing her husband (the boy's father) dressed as Santa (yes!), but the kid does not know that. The song goes, "Oh, what a laugh it would have been/If Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." Oh, child, a laugh it would not have been. Unless you find humor in being removed from your home by DCF after your father beats your mother and her jolly lover with the rolling pin she used to make the fat man his annual cookies. On second thought, that does make me chuckle a bit. Merry Christmas everyone!

Santa Baby
If you buy me expensive stuff, I will fuck you. This song is actually the most honest and relevant of the bunch.

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
"Everybody pauses and stares at me/These two teeth are gone as you can see." Christmas time should be an innocent and joyous time for a child, yet this kid is dealing with being ridiculed by his peers and made fun of because of a naturally awkward phase of his life. Therefore he must use his Christmas wish not for a video game or toy that he greatly desires, but simply that his two front teeth grow in so he will feel accepted amongst his peers. This song is just fucking mean. I guess calling the song "Ugly Kids Don't Deserve to be Happy on Christmas" was a little too obvious?

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
This song never sat right with me. It always seemed both threatening and creepy at the same time. It's the whole 'knowing when you're sleeping and when you're awake' part that just makes me shiver and turn the radio off when this song plays. I guess if John Mark Karr had written a Christmas song, this would have been it.

On that note, I hope you all have a marvelous Christmas and happy New Year!

Am I the Only One? Part IV: The Revenge

2006-12-12T15:59:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one boggled by the phrase "educate yourself?" How does one do that? It's impossible. You cannot logically teach yourself something that you do not know! If you pick up a book to help you, the book is educating you. You are learning on your own, which is a concept I agree with, but you are not educating yourself. If you learn to play an instrument without taking lessons, you are "learning" on your own, however you are not educating yourself and not teaching yourself. It's illogical to think that you can teach yourself something that you don't know!

Am I the only one who thinks tribute albums to bands that have ONE album are pretty stupid? ONE. That's like...12 songs. . What's next? A tribute album Tribute. "Man, that tribute album totally rocked! We should pay tribute to it." And don't forget string tributes for those who like Slayer, but prefer the riff to 'South of Heaven' played on the cello.

Am I the only one who finds our obsession with anti-bacterial soap a little funny? Imagine a soap that is ANTI bacterial...as opposed to regular soap which is....also anti bacterial. Soap certainly doesn't promote bacteria. My friends, I think we've all (myself included) been taken for a little ride courtesy of some ingenious marketing. Anti-bacterial just sounds good. It sounds bad ass! It sounds more active than plain old soap. People are tired of passive soap. They don't want soap that politely asks the bacteria to leave, you know, when they get the chance, if it's not too much of a problem. They want soap that sounds like it is fighting to keep us clean. Not only does the soap fight bacteria, but it grabs hold of each bacterium, gives it a good swift kick in the nuts, and then disembowels it with a sharp knife. 'Fuck you, Bacteria' the soap cries as it stands upon a mountain of dead bacteria. Now that's clean!

Plus, it puts a stigma on those who use plain soap. 'Don't shake hands with Biff. He washes with...regular soap!'. Biff. That gross bastard.

You know those big trucks that carry all the cars on them? The ones that you pull up alongside on the highway and hit the gas to get by them, hoping to God that none of the cars suddenly come loose and slide off of the truck onto the highway, turning your seemingly uneventful drive into a goddamn Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

So…..am I the only one who would absolutely love to see one of those trucks fuckin' jackknife and all those cars go flying and bouncing along the highway? Seriously, I would. Preferably where I can watch from a safe distance and no other cars are around. I am not hoping for a mass fatality situation here. I'm not that evil. I would just like to see 12 brand spankin' new cars defy gravity on an interstate one of these days, sending a shower of sparks and twisted wrecked metal raining down around me. Hmm… Dear Santa…..

Am I the only one thrown off when a host/hostess at a restaurant says "good evening" as I'm leaving? When I am leaving a restaurant in the evening, I expect to hear "goodnight" not "good evening." "Good evening" is something you say when someone first arrives, as is "good morning" and "good afternoon." Likewise, if they said "goodnight" to me as I arrived, I would be put off. On the other hand, "have a good evening" is a perfectly fine utterance as I'm leaving. Though you could always say, "good day" and that would be appropriate for either coming or going. These are the things I think about as I'm staring at the waitress' chest.

Am I the only one who believes that an article about Lindsay Lohan not having a drink in a week is a waste of a headline? Now you see why, when people ask if I'd ever consider going into journalism, I just shake my head and look around for something to cut my wrists with.

Am I the only one who thinks this Barack Obama/Osama Bin Laden name comparison is pretty fucking ridiculous? I've actually read articles speculating if Obama's name could ruin his chances at being our first black president should he choose to run. Yes, Obama sounds similar to Osama, but considering one is a college educated senator and the other fucks goats, lives in a cave, and orders his friends to fly planes into buildings, I think the differences are more profound. Even so, this country has shown that similarity isn't always bad. After all, George W. Bush sounds surprisingly like….George W. Bush, and somehow the American people found the guts to keep that bag of failure in office for another 4 years.

Lastly, am I the only one confused by the term 'late.' When do you stop referring to someone who is dead as 'late'? I can understand the late Steve Irwin or the late Ronald Reagan. However, I recently read about an actor who portrayed "the late James Dean" in a movie. Um, Dean died in 1955. That's over 50 years ago. Was your favorite president the late Abe Lincoln? Is there any rule established to when we just accept the fact that someone is dead? Can you refer to fictional characters are 'late'? In Spiderman 2, James Franco plays Harry Osborn, the son of the late Green Goblin.

And where did that term come from? If someone's dead, they ain't just late, they probably won't be arriving at all. Unless it's to their funeral. Then again, some people will be late to their own funeral, as the saying goes. That's an interesting concept. That would make them doubly late. Late to the second power. The late Joe Smith is late. Actually, you'd have to blame that on the driver of the hearse.

From what I gather, 'late' is term used out of respect. You don't hear much about the 'late' Uday Hussein, nor was I informed about details for the 'late' Jeffrey Dahmner's funeral. Eh, I'll stop before I get too ridiculous.

Or perhaps it's too late

A Day at the Office

2006-12-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

Before I get to the meat of today's rant, here's some shit goin' down in the news:

When Britney Spears isn't having babies or nearly dropping them and then crying about it, she's trying to find ways to sabotage her chances of getting full custody of said babies by partying it up with Paris Hilton, the queen of rich famous-for-nothing whores that people just seem to love so much. If the only qualification for being a good mother was simply having a vagina, then Britney has made it perfectly clear to the world that she has what it takes. By giving the world a peek under her skirt, she has created both controversy and a worldwide cry of "I think I just threw up in my mouth." Perhaps it's a message to her soon to be ex, K-Fed, who, after a nasty divorce and custody battle with Spears, will likely be so broke he'll be unable to afford a pair of underwear.

And he certainly won't be able to afford a PlayStation 3, which is a hot item right now. It's as hot as the searing pain of a bullet ripping through your flesh as you are gunned down for your precious PlayStation, which is then stolen and sold on Ebay for thousands of dollars. One such occurrence took place in the lovely state of Connecticut at (surprise, surprise) a Wal-Mart. What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously, folks, it's a fucking video game, and unless I missed the part about how, aside from killer graphics and a high definition DVD player, the PS3 also cooks dinner and jerks you off, then I do not understand the hype. I always thought that people who shut themselves in their rooms to play video games all day were pegged as dorks and losers. Now, apparently, it's a lifestyle worth killing over. At least I can play my Super Nintendo without fear.

In New Jersey, nearly three dozen people got e-coli poisoning after eating at a local Taco Bell. Ok, let's all put down our Seven-layer Chalupa Cheese Supreme Grilled Wraps (so it's good to go!) and think about it: Taco bell has been creating Mexican sounding foods for the past however many years using, say, 8 different ingredients, including meat that the USDA says isn't quite good enough to feed a stray cat with feline AIDS. Let's stop pretending that this news surprises anyone and take a minute to realize that a healthier alternative to Taco Bell would be a can of dog food and salsa. Yo no quiero Taco Bell.

A Day at the Office

If you're like me and work the 9-5, chances are there are things about the corporate culture that piss you off. Here's my list:

Do not use the elevator to go up only one floor when there are stairs 10 feet away. Only handicapped people (and pregnant women) have any good reason for doing this. People make fun of you when you get out of the elevator. Trust me.

Similarly, my building has handicapped accessible doors. You press a button and it takes 2-3 seconds for the mechanical door to open. People are perfectly willing to stand back and wait for the mechanical door when it's plainly faster to just walk a foot and half to left and open the regular doors. This is what is known as a crossroads: when laziness and the need for instant gratification collide, and it's the leading cause of aneurysms in the corporate setting.

Another reason to take the stairs is to avoid having to stare straight ahead at the walls in morgue-like silence during the elevator ride. Then again, you can always opt for awkward elevator chit-chat. But there are guidelines for that, as well as general inter-office banter:

Don't talk to me about the weather. It's tantamount to admitting you have nothing to say, which isn't always a bad thing considering we are most likely strangers. But I was just outside. If it's cold, I'm aware. If it's unseasonably warm, ditto. I can look out the window. Please, just talk about anything else; your daughter's flute recital, last night's episode of Bones, or the affair you're having with your co-worker. Anything but the weather.

Ok, almost anything.

Don't talk about religion. If you insist upon it, do so in a manner that does not come across as you pushing your beliefs on me. It's not appropriate and you most likely will not like what I have to say. At my office, a woman who is a Jehovah's Witness recently chastised a fellow co-worker for dressing his infant son up for Halloween. I have no idea what Jehovah's Witnesses have to say about Halloween, but she had no business thrusting her religious beliefs on my friend in the form of criticism, especially for something as innocent as dressing up his seven month old son in a lobster costume to take some pictures. It must be great to be part of an institution that preaches tolerance only of others who are exactly the same as you. But that's a blog for another day.

On a related note, don't volunteer your views on abortion. I'm only bringing this up because it's happened to me before and it wasn't pretty. There's a 50/50 chance that we disagree and I will argue this one to the death, no pun intended. Like religion, that's a blog for another time. So let's skip the pro-choice/pro life debate and stick to pro sports.

Moving on…

Don't say T.G.I.F. We all look forward to Fridays. T.G.I.F was only cute and catchy the first 3 million times it was said. It's old and clichéd by now. May I suggest: "Thank God it's the day that I get to meet my co-workers out for Happy Hour, have way too much to drink, end up sloppily fondling the 'sorta' cute girl who just got hired and then have to explain that when I say 'I love you,' I only mean that she has pretty eyes and this doesn't have to affect our working relationship." While long winded, you'll get points for creativity. And it may score you some after hours sex on the copy machine.

Lastly, don't tell me how fat or out-of-shape you've gotten since you started working in an office. My first day at my current job, one guy said, "I used to work out, too, until I started this job." Don't question my dedication or project your dissatisfaction with your current physical condition on me. It's not the job's fault. I'm not criticizing those who choose not to exercise, but am simply saying that if you truly wanted to get in shape, you'd make the time. That's what people do.

Gun violence

2006-12-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

I wrote this piece for a writing group I'm part of. I can't take all the credit for it so I must give Vern, a co-worker and fellow writer, some credit. He is the one who came up with many of the main ideas expressed in this blog as well as brought Dr. Cohen's article to my attention. I have reworded things a bit and expressed some of my own views. Enjoy.

In the days and weeks following any school shooting, the media is full of reactive solutions to the violence, such as metal detectors, random locker searches, and zero tolerance rules that do little but infringe upon the students’ rights and make schools feel more like prisons. And we know how safe prisons are. Then along comes The Hartford Courant columnist Laurence D. Cohen with his solution to let school administrators and teachers carry weapons in an effort to combat school violence. Now it all makes sense! It’s no wonder kids believe that bullets solve problems. Apparently everyone else does, too.

Cohen cites an incident in Joplin, MO where a kid fired a shot into the ceiling of his school, the gun jammed, nobody was hurt, and the boy was apprehended. But Cohen begs the question of what would have happened if the rifle had not jammed and goes to suggest that, “Maybe the story would be more reassuring if the school administrator spotted the boy with the rifle, told him to drop the rifle; the boy refused—and the school executive pulled out a revolver and shot the kid in the head.” So we train these administrators to shoot to kill? Even the police are trained to shoot to disarm. Cohen comes across as the crotchety “you damn kids get off my lawn” type old man whose solution to dealing with troubled youth is to put them out of their misery. I read Cohen’s article waiting for the punch line or satirical slant but, alarmingly, there was none.

First off, the kids who bring guns to school are not afraid to die. Often times, they commit suicide after their attacks are complete because they can’t bear to face the consequences of their actions. These are angry, scared and weak kids. Then sometimes they are shot by police. So replace suicide and the police with school administrators and the only thing that really changes is who is pulling the trigger. It won’t lessen the body count.

Rarely do we hear about proactive solutions. The words “massacre” and “violence” grab more headlines than “peace” and “love.” We crave violence almost as much as we abhor it. What’s even more prevalent is our need for instant gratification. We want a fast and easy solution to everything. A teen brings a gun to school to instantly get the respect he craves and as a result, we want our instant solutions to stop these types of tragedies from ever happening again.

What about the idea of raising kids in a culture of love instead of hatred and violence? The cynical hear the cry of love as a plea by the uninformed, the power malnourished and the weak, but nothing is more powerful than love. Children aren’t born with the innate desire to hate. They are born to love; to give it, receive it, crave it and depend on it. The hate comes later but it does not have to. Kids are not genetically predestined to bring a pistol to school and unload it into fellow classmates.

Our society may not like this solution because it is not tangible. “Love” is not something you can hold in your hand and there’s no cookie cutter idea of what love is or how kids should be raised. This idea also puts more responsibility into the hands of the parents and asks them to be more accountable for the actions of their children. For instance, talk to your children and occasionally take a peek in the garage to see if they are building crude pipe bombs.

You can’t put a timetable on “love.” Tactically, the answer is complex because it requires a societal change; change in belief, attitudes, and most importantly, actions. People are slow to change because it means relinquishing control, exposing some vulnerability and risking that someone or something could gain advantage over you. If society as a whole is urged to change, to embrace a culture of love and kindness rather than selfishness and violence, does that mean that more kids won’t be shot to death in schools in the meantime? No way. I’m not that naive. That’s just as ridiculous as the idea that teachers packing heat would solve the gun violence problem in our schools. But it’d be a start.

Kramer vs. Jesse

2006-11-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to tackle the issue of race. Society taught me that because of the way white people acted long before I was even thought of being born, I am to have no opinion whatsoever about race issues. Sounds fair, right? Ok, (takes deep breath, clears throat and adjusts posture) here I go:

The backlash of Michael Richards' racist rant has been fiercer than I imagined. This week, in an attempt to "let the healing begin," Richards met with Jesse Jackson on his radio show to discuss the incident that, apparently, has shattered the black community. Now, without trivializing the incident, I had no idea that the well-being of the black community (a rather large group of individuals) hinged upon what that guy who played "Kramer" on Seinfeld thinks. It's actually sort of ridiculous, and would probably be news to most black folks who actually have better things to do with their lives than concern themselves with this bullshit. But good news for fellow Caucasians: I have been in touch with Jaleel White a.k.a. "Steve Urkel" from the hit sitcom Family Matters and he has advised me that he thinks white folks are just terrific.

In an email to CNN.com, one reader wrote, "He [Richards] has single-handedly left an ugly blotch on mankind." This statement made me laugh because up until last week I think most people had forgotten Richards existed and now he's seemingly changed the face of race relations as we know it. Then again, the last guy who polarized the nation regarding race had to kill his ex-wife to do it, so I think we're actually making progress.

Here's how I see it: people can be bigoted, stupid, easily angered, and impulsive, and sometimes these things conspire at one point in time and a bad decision is made. If you happen to be a celebrity, then things get complicated. Again, I am in no way condoning his tirade, but I don't see this incident as one that warrants the attention it's getting. Richards claims his comments were made "out of anger, not bigotry." I see this ordeal as one guy getting angry and lashing out at some people who were being disrespectful while he was on stage. Unfortunately for him, they were black. If the audience members were white and obese, perhaps Richards would have called them "fat asses" and it would have been a mere blip on the news radar. Or Richards would end up on Oprah show having to explain that he really has nothing against overweight people. Except Rosie O'Donnell. She's evil.

Now, returning to Jesse Jackson. For him to urge the public to not buy Seinfeld DVDs is just ridiculous and does not in any way show the level of forgiveness and compassion that this man supposedly has. If you're gonna consider yourself the spokesperson for an entire race of people, try not to be such a big fuckin' baby. Call me crazy, but I don't think boycotting Seinfeld would have any effect on race relations in this country. On the other hand, letting the Wayans brothers continue to make films is definitely a step in the wrong direction.

One thing that I do agree with is Jackson's urging the usage of the "n-word" in entertainment be stopped, including in rap lyrics, which is probably where the most abundant use of the word is these days. I want to make it clear that I do not advocate censorship at all. It should be up to the artists to use or not use the word, but understand that a black person saying the "n-word" should be no more acceptable than a white person saying it. If we're going to try and preach racial tolerance, it should be universal. If a black person uses racial slurs towards another black person, how is that less offensive? To me it's both offensive and stupid.

As far as I'm concerned, there are so few entertainers who approach the issue race with any sort of intelligence and the less of it we see, the better. I'm sorry but, "you ever notice how white people buy a lot of khakis" is not a funny joke. It's true, but it's not funny.

There is a ton of racially biased and outright racist content on television, but as long as it's not a white person saying it, then apparently it's acceptable. And I'll never understand the popularity of Carlos Mencia who, because he is non-white, seems to have the right to disrespect every race, color, creed, and religion imaginable. Honkys, beaners, wetbacks, ha-ha…we get it. Moving on…..Let's face it: the only reason Carlos Mencia is popular is because Chappelle's Show went off the air.

Anyhow, this issue can't be neatly packaged up into a nice conclusion. All I can say is that racial discrimination will always be an issue in this country, as will discrimination of all types. The more sensitive and 'politically correct' people try to be, the more the pronounced our differences become. When I think about how political correctness has infested our culture, I believe that perhaps our tolerance levels have actually decreased over the years. Political correctness doesn't change our differences, but only serves to highlight them in a pathetic attempt to appear 'sensitive.' So fuck that. It's all bullshit.

But that's just this cracker's opinion.

Judgement free zones?

2006-11-20T15:18:00.000-08:00

Spoiler alert!

The following blog contains the word "fuck," "bullshit" and "marshmallow." Some readers may find its content humorous, angry, harsh, and/or politically incorrect. That is my intent. Happy reading.

The big news this week is that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, referred to by idiots as TomKat, finally got married in a castle in Italy in front of friends, family, and their little baby daughter who is named after some sort of Chinese food item. They even wrote their own vows. While I wasn't able to secure the full transcripts, I have it on good authority that at one point Katie looked into Tom's eyes and, emulating Cruise's character in Jerry McGuire, said, "You had me at 'hello, let's have a baby and eat the placenta.'" Then they engaged in a long kiss that made everyone feel very uncomfortable, but was probably Cruise's way saying to the public, "If I was gay, how could I kiss a woman for this long?" How indeed, Tom. How indeed.

Dammit! I had this whole rant written about O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," and coinciding television special and I just logged onto the CNN.com to find that both the book and interview have been cancelled, therefore my diatribe is pointless. Now, since we'll never know how O.J. would have killed Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, we'll have to settle for knowing how he did.

Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from 'Seinfeld,' shocked an audience the other night by yelling out the "n-word" to a fan who was heckling him during a stand-up comedy routine. After his tirade, another audience member yelled, "It's not funny. That's why you're a reject, never had no shows, never had no movies. 'Seinfeld,' that's it." While that doesn't excuse Mr. Richards' actions, the audience member couldn't be more wrong. Michael Richards has numerous movie and television appearances to his credit, including UHF w/ 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Problem Child w/ John Ritter, Airheads with Adam Sandler and Brendan Fraser, and even an appearance on 'Miami Vice' and 'Hill Street Blues.' There are few things worse than a misinformed heckler. Except maybe some has-been actor yelling out racial slurs to an audience. When asked for comment, Jerry Seinfeld said, "Who is Michael Richards?"

Ok, here's the story that really pisses me off.

In Wappinger Falls, NY, a former bodybuilder turned corrections officer was escorted out of a Planet Fitness gym by the police for grunting while squatting 500 lbs. Yes, I said grunting. To be fair, he was asked to stop grunting, but was escorted by police only after he refused and allegedly swore at the employee. Nevertheless, I'm so pissed off that I'm having a hard time finding the right words. I'm almost tempted to just write the word "fuck" 50 times and end it there, but I consider myself to be good with words and you probably expect better from me.

Let me clarify that while I do not consider myself a bodybuilder per se, I take my weightlifting, diet, and physical appearance very seriously. Therefore, I get upset at these chains of "gyms" popping all over the place claiming to "Judgment Free Zones" or gyms "for the rest of us," which apparently means they cater primarily to people who like saying they work out more than actually putting their bodies through any rigorous activity. FYI: answering your cell phone does not count as a bicep curl.

These "judgment free zones" are bullshit because they discriminate against those who lift heavy weights. People don't grunt because it's fun, they grunt because it's a natural reaction to exerting energy, which is what you should be doing if you're exercising*.

*exercising not defined as doing a set of 10 crunches and then talking for a half-hour about last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy.

For me, and many others, going to the gym is more than a conversation piece, it's a lifestyle. These "gyms" claim to be non-intimidating atmospheres, which is total crap. Feeling intimidated and having someone actually intimidate you are two completely different things. If someone has bigger muscles or a thinner waistline than you, deal with it. You either find the motivation to try and better yourself and reach your desired goals, or you go home, rent a movie, break out the Ben & Jerry's, masturbate, cry, go to bed, and then wake up and start all over again. I'm not a grunter, I don't drop weights too often, and I would never intentionally humiliate or intimidate another gym member, regardless of their size or strength. However, I refuse to compromise my routines in the gym because some marshmallow might feel 'intimidated.' There are lots of guys less muscular than me, and plenty of them that are more muscular. Some of it is genetics and some of it is dedication, diet, and hard work. Ok, and yes, some of it is steroids. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all then you have the facts of life, the facts of life.

Well, I want to end on a positive note by saying Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Keep safe this holiday season. Remember, no video game system is worth getting shot over, even though the natural urge when in a Walmart store is to take a human life.

Am I the Only One? Part 3

2006-11-11T15:37:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one who thinks some commercials need to lighten up on the sexual overtones? For example, take the ads for Overstock.com. You've got this hot chick dressed in all white with a big red "O" necklace on and a low cut dress to show off her cleavage (Ok, honestly, no complaints so far.) Their slogan: "It's the 'O'." Red, of course, is the color most associated with sex and "the O" is alluding to an orgasm. Why are we sexualizing this website? Has anyone achieved orgasm over saving $3 on a toaster? God, I hope not. And if I've got a hard-on, Overstock.com is NOT the website that I'm gonna be logging onto.

And likewise, please don't use the words "sensual", "passion", or "ecstasy" when describing yogurt. It's just gross and creepy.

Am I the only one disturbed when an actor/actress gets special attention and accolades for gaining/losing weight or becoming "average" or "ugly" for a movie/TV role? Congratulations! Through movie magic, make-up, intense sessions w/ your personal trainer to-the-stars, yoga, Pilates, and an all lettuce diet, you managed to appear "average." I woke up average this morning. It's not that hard. Where's my award?

Am I the only one disturbed by Christmas carols in October? I don't want to think about Christmas until after Thanksgiving. It's just gotten way too commercial for me. Christmas season seems to come earlier every year. Only after I scoop that last bit of Pumpkin Pie into my mouth on Thanksgiving will I start getting excited about Christmas. That way, I am able to pretend (just a little) that there's some sort of meaning left to Christmas besides the obligation to buy, buy, buy. I know, I'm naïve.

Am I the only one sick of school violence? I just am. Fuck. I have no solution, no serious ideas for how to quell the rash of school shootings or how to go about preventing such atrocities. Just fucking stop. Jonesboro, Columbine, Canada, Michigan, etc. These kids are just proving their tormenters right; that they're a bunch of losers who can't handle life. High school is not that hard. Teenage life is not that hard. If these kids would realize that there's more to life than video games and jerking off to a dog-eared copy of Mein Kampf, then perhaps they'd learn how to fit in just a little bit. Hey, Eric and Dylan (Columbine killers): guess what? Trench coats aren't cool, Wolfenstine 3D was outdated, Hitler sucked, and Marilyn Manson still sucks. You accomplished nothing in life or death, except paved the way for a bunch of high school cast outs to think bringing a gun to school might just make people realize how justified their existence is. You deserved every swirlie, wedgie or wet willy you ever got. Assholes.

Am I the only one who likes when the leaves change colors in the fall? I love it. This is a nice time of year. I have nothing negative to say about this topic. Just thought I'd give the throbbing vein in my forehead a chance to calm down before I continue.

Ok...

Am I the only one not surprised that Survivor: Cook Island's little racial experiment only lasted two weeks? Seriously, did anyone actually think today's society could handle that? It's not the 70's anymore. People are so sensitive and politically correct these days, that we're actually MORE uptight than ever about issues such race and sex.

Speaking of sex….

Am I the only one saddened by the idea that this society treats gays like entertainment, rather than people? Will and Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Boy Meets Boy, Brokeback Mountain, Tom Cruise, etc. They're good enough to laugh at or take fashion advice from, but God forbid they want to be married or not be persecuted for their sexual orientation. I don't know if people are born gay, but I certainly don't believe they choose to be gay. You don't choose who you're attracted to. And with gays it doesn't make sense. Why would someone "choose" to go through all the bullshit that gays go through in this country of uptight, hypocritical, two-faced assholes? It's sad when you'd alienate an entire class of people just because of who they have sex with. Grow the fuck up. Isn't alienating people because of the color of their skin enough? Now I'm just confused.

Am I the only one amused by the fact that we have to have laws telling us not to have sex with animals or dead people? Seriously. That cracks me up. That means that someone HAD to have done it and the cops were like "Um, stop." And then a law had to be passed and the judge would say "Wow. We have to make this a law? I sorta thought it was obvious. But ok." I imagine that's gotta be quite a reputation to live down. Or so says my friend, Lenny the Corpsefucker.

And the what about the guy who gets caught fucking a dead animal? What would his defense be? "Whoa! I didn't know it was dead!"

Ok, back on track....

Lastly, am I the only one who thinks that maybe fat, white men who haven't gotten a blow job since the Nixon administration shouldn't be so quick to tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies? Obviously, I'm speaking of abortion. Let me get this straight: Abortion is wrong, yet cumming in your pants when some criminal gets executed by the state is somehow acceptable? Ok, I'm getting a headache.

Halloween!

2006-10-31T15:22:00.000-08:00

Boys and ghouls, it's time for another frighteningly poignant blog. It's so funny, it's SCARY!! You just may DIE laughing hahahah!

Ok, so I'm not quite as quick with a pun as the Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt was, but being in the spirit of Halloween, I have decided to jot down some aspects of Halloween that I enjoy, as well as some things that annoy me. Read on….if you dare!!

Horror movies
During most of October, television stations are always playing horror movies, which range from classics like Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Omen, and The Exorcist, to newer movies such as The Ring, The Grudge, and Halloween 12: This Mike Meyers Shit Again? Ok, I made I that last one up. I love scary movies. There are few things better than turning out all the lights and throwing on a good horror flick, preferable in the company of a pretty girl who scares easily and deals with her fright by randomly taking off articles of clothing. Between all the remakes, spin offs, sequels and prequels, I can't help but long for something original and innovative. Zombie movies are all the same and the formula is wearing out its welcome in my eyes and most of the originals are just a lot of scary music building up to a "boo!" and then….nothing, or mindless gore with no real plot. Old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries hosted by that walking corpse Robert Stack scare me more than most of the 'scary' movies coming out these days.

I'll tell you what I am a fan of: freak animal movies. Snakes, spiders, ticks, sharks, bats, cats, rats, gnats, I don't give a shit. As long as you blow them up to ridiculously large scale sizes and make them bloodthirsty killers, then you've got my attention.

Pumpkins
Pumpkins kick ass. Pumpkin pie is delicious and I could live on pumpkin bread alone, though I'm not much for pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin carving is not only a great way to utilize the rest of the pumpkin, but can be a creative way to showcase your artistic talent and the fact that you have too much time on your hands, not unlike these blogsJ Please don't confuse pumpkins w/ gourds. I don't even know the fuck gourds are all about. Fun Fact: Did you know the inside of the pumpkin is known as the "meat"? Gross.

Sports
Ok, this doesn't really have much to with Halloween, but at this time of year I can enjoy both the World Series, football all day on Sundays and Monday night as well. So I have something to switch on during the commercial breaks of The Halloween Chainsaw Living Dead Massacre on Elm St II: Chucky goes to Space Camp.

Women's Halloween attire
I like seeing scantily clad women as much as the next hetero guy. When I can tell what color panties a girl has on from across the room, I know I'm having a good night. I'm just making that clear to you folks. But lately, I've been noticing how uncreative women are when it comes to Halloween. I'm sorry ladies, but wearing a short skirt and a low cut top and a headband with devil horns on it is NOT a costume. Minus the headband, it's pretty much what every chick wears every weekend at every bar in every town everywhere. Hot? Yup. Sexy? Sure, but not a costume. If I wanted to see slutty looking chicks (and I do), then I'd hit up the bars on Saturday nights (which I do). Ladies, don't be surprised when you go to a Halloween party see 100 other women dressed in the exact same get up as you. You don't all have to wear school girl uniforms. This is your chance to be sexy, but also creative. Show us all you're more than a sweet rack and tight caboose.

Trick or Treating
I loved trick-or-treating as a kid. But now that I'm older, and on the other side of the door come October 31, I realize there's only a small age group that I really enjoy seeing on my doorstep. Some kids are too young to comprehend what's going on, and while they're cute, they have no use for candy and are probably not cognizant of what is happening. If baby still breastfeeds, baby don't need no candy.

It's the 3-9 age group that really seem to appreciate and enjoy Trick-or-Treating for more than simply getting candy. They're all excitable, into the spirit of Halloween and truly grateful when they get candy from you.

Then you've got the 10-15 year old kids who are just pricks They proclaim, "trick or treat" with all the emotion of Lurch from The Addams' Family, and just stand there waiting for your candy. And God forbid it's not to their liking; they'll let you know on the spot. "Ugh! This candy sucks," to which I reply," You know what else sucks? Getting stabbed in the chest. Move the fuck along!"

Lastly, basically anyone older than high school age has no business soliciting candy. You're now old enough to stay home, dress up like a giant penis or a keg, laugh at how clever you are, and then collapse in a pile of your own candy corn laden vomit.

Kids' Costumes
Whatever happened to kids dressing up as good ol' vampires, witches, ghosts, goblins, and Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, OBGYN? I start to feel a little old when I don't recognize half the costumes. "Oh how cute! A giant piece of pineapple with shorts on. Oh, you're Spongebob Squarepants, huh? Is he a rapper?"

Ok, I'm not that out of touch, but you get the idea.

Candy
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, and Snickers were always my favorite candy bars. All the other stuff was incidental and used as bartering with my brother to secure more of the candy that I liked. Fuck tootsie rolls, and def. fuck candy that is too generic to even have anything but plain orange wrapper. Where does one even buy this candy?! When I was younger, I neither knew nor cared about fat content, calories, or sugar. How I long to blissfully destroy my body again.

I always remembered the few houses that would give you full size candy bars. And of course, the opposite side of the spectrum was those fuckers who gave me Necco wafers. Hmmm…I wonder what dried spackle tastes like? If someone were to make "asshole" into a candy, what would it taste like? I reckon it'd taste like Necco wafers. And Whoppers. God help me, I hate Whoppers.

Myths and rumors
A few years back at U of Hartford there was a rumor going around that a popular TV psychic (Sylvia brown, I think) had predicted a mass murder at a college campus with a building shaped like an X. For those of you unfamiliar with U of Hartford, there is a dorm called Regents Park that, from the air, resembles an X (actually, it's more like a swastika, which is interesting for a campus with a 25% Jewish population). Regardless, nothing happened, and I still don't trust anything I hear on Montel Williams to this day. But it still freaked people out and was a nice addition to the Halloween mood.

Also, there's the famous 'razorblades in candy' cautionary tale that you always hear about. Sadly, I never did find any razorblades in my candy. I think it would have made a good story. It'd be something to tell the grandkids, assuming that I found razorblade before I bit into the candy and still had a tongue to orate my evil discovery.

Christmas
Ok, so what does Halloween have to do w/ Christmas? Well, if you've been in a fucking store lately, then you'd think pretty much everything. It seems as if we're bypassing Thanksgiving and trying to whore Christmas out to as many people as possible as soon as possible.

Simpson's Tree House of Horror
While I greatly enjoy these specials, I'm upset that because of the World Series, they're now on TV after Halloween. D'oh! By November 5, I'm over Halloween. This guy's looking to the future. Eat my shorts!

Devil's Night
Also known as Mischief Night. It's the night before Halloween. It is the night for toilet papering houses, egging houses and cars, ringing doorbells and running, leaving only flaming bags of dog shit behind, and all that truly juvenile stuff. Wouldn't it be a shame if one of these kids, while attempting to toilet paper a tree in my yard, accidentally got their foot caught in a rusty bear trap that happened to be lying around? Wait, did I say "a shame"? I meant fucking hilarious.

Happy Halloween everyone!!

The Obituaries

2006-10-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

I read the obituaries. Most people think they're morbid. I do not. In fact, I think that these obituaries can be the least morbid section of the paper. All throughout the papers, you read stories of murder, rape, assault, abuse, robbery, white collar crime, and people doing other awful things to other people. And of course, let's not forget our daily dose of the happenings in the Middle East: suicide bombers, terrorists, fires, explosions, and yet more of our Americans being blown up in the name of oil, re-election (by garsh, it worked!), and (somehow) freedom. And then we have little Agnes Jones who died in her sleep at the ripe age of 88. That seems pretty tame in comparison. Maybe the reason I like the obits is because, with some exceptions, it reminds me that people actually DO live long full lives and die of natural causes. I'm not saying cancer and disease are good things, but they're natural and, as sad as they are, they are a part of life, as opposed to being drowned in a bathtub by your lunatic mother (wait, killing 5 children is wrong?) or raped in the seminary by someone you've trusted with your spiritual well-being.

But there are some things about the obituaries that always bugged me.

I'm a curious guy and sometimes the obituaries aren't detailed enough for me. When someone dies "suddenly," they don't often elaborate. C'mon! "Tom Jones, 48, died suddenly Monday night when he was struck by car. The driver was identified as Mona, a 350 lb grizzly bear, reported missing from the San Diego Zoo." Yes! Now, that's the epitome of suddenly.

Conversely, some obits are quite wordy and I find myself drifting off about the time they get to the part about the deceased's service in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, his affinity for bocce ball, and the 23 other relatives who preceded him in death. For Heaven's sake, James Joyce, put down the pen. And Danielle Steele, when you get to the part of about him being reunited with his deceased wife so the two can now hold hands in Heaven and make sweet sweaty love in the back of a Ford Model-T in the midst of God's holy splendor…well, then you've just lost us all. It's a death notice, not a Harlequin novel.

And what's wrong with "dying." Why does the word "die" in an obituary seem to be a dirty word? You ever notice that not many people "die"? Many "pass on", "pass away", "cross over" "soar with the angels", "join God's heavenly flock," "enter Heaven" , "leave this world" or some other useless phrase that does nothing to change the facts. There is nothing wrong with saying someone died. Though I suppose you could get clinical:

"Tom Jones, beloved husband and father, ceased oxygen intake Monday night as a result of a severe myocardial infarction that occurred when an atherosclerotic plaque slowly built up in the inner lining of his coronary artery and then suddenly ruptured, totally occluding the artery and preventing blood flow downstream. He was 48 years old." (Thank you, Wikipedia)

But then again, you do pay by the line. So, if you're gonna get cute, there are some other fun euphemisms for death that can be used. For instance, "Tom Jones, son of Earl and Betty Jones, bought the farm Monday night…" I'd love to read an obit that used the phrases "kick the bucket" "took a dirt nap" "pushin' up daisies", "no longer eligible for census" or "became worm food". That'd be so funny, I might cross over laughing.

Also, there's nothing wrong with being old. I'm sort of taking some cues from George Carlin here, but our world has a fear of aging and of being old. Admittedly, I'm a small part of it. I work out and eat (relatively) healthy in attempt to look good and stave off certain signs of aging, but word old doesn't bother me much. I saw an obituary once for a man who had recently…um….died. Not only did the obituary read "90 years young" but the picture they published of this man was from at least 60 years previous. So not only could his delusional family not acknowledge that he was "old", but they couldn't bare to show a picture of him as he was, which I find to be quite insulting to old folks in general, and the deceased specifically. That's fuckin' denial.

Woo! Not bad for a Monday.

The Hazards of the Road (this is a long one!)

2006-10-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in 2005 alone, there were 39,189 fatal car crashes in the United States? If you googled (love that word!) 'car accident statistics', then you would. You would also know that Thanksgiving is one of the most dangerous weekends for auto accidents. It's coming up, so be vigilant.

I've wanted to vent about the hazards of the road for a while now, but just never got around to it. Now seems like as good a time as any, seeing as I almost got killed Friday night by some fucking maniac who practically rear ended me and ran me off the road at 90 mph while blinking their high beams at me and changing lanes simultaneously. Sound confusing? Well, it was enough for me to dial up the State Police and let them know they'll likely be scraping some bodies off the highway before the night is over. I hope that this guy was drunk for the simple reason that anyone who drives like that normally should not only have their license revoked but be forbidden to go within 500 yards of a car, road, or fellow human being.

With statistics what they are, it surprises me how lightly people seem to take driving. We got 2 dead in the Midwest from e-coli tainted spinach and the country goes apeshit, recalls all the country's spinach, and practically declares spinach illegal, but we've got tens of thousands of people dying each year in fatal car crashes, no doubt many of them preventable, and people barely bat an eyelash, nor go about changing their driving habits. Cars are not inherently dangerous, but they become weapons when you get careless, disrespectful people at the wheel.

Yes, I have road rage. It's more internal and I don't act upon it. I tend to just get angry and the words that come out of my mouth would probably make Andrew Dice Clay blush. I just get frustrated because when I'm driving, I keep a basic idea of what/who is around me and have respect for fellow drivers, even the ones who plainly don't deserve it, namely those who subject to me to bumper sticker wisdom such as, "it's a child, not a choice" and "have you hugged a tree today?"

Likewise, I'm not a fan of decals, namely the famous one of Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes) urinating. It's overdone and not funny or clever. I'll admit, I have a decal of Charlie Brown taking a shit on Lucy's chest, but I keep it off my car. I know where to draw the line.

Joking aside….

Yes, I have been in a car accident, but I have never caused one. I have gotten a speeding ticket in the past and do believe that 80 mph is a nice safe speed for the highways. Am I an example of a perfect driver? No. I speed on back roads, and if no cars are around, I will make rolling stops at stop signs, rather than complete stops. Yes, I'm a bad boy. Mothers, hide your daughters away. I might just take them out for a wild night of turning without signaling and passing on the right hand side.

I've come a long way since that blustery December day in 1996 when I took my driving test and was awarded my license. Not many know this, but I came close to failing. You know why? Because after the driving portion of the test, when I parked, I neglected to turn the lights off. Yes, 2 p.m. in the afternoon and I had no idea that the lights were even on. And for this the old bastard almost failed me. On a related note, I still remember the words that my Drivers Ed teacher said one day. He asked us to look around the class and said simply, "At least one of you will be killed in a car accident within six months." Ironically, he died of a heart attack not long afterwards.

Now there are certain road hazards and that I cannot pretend to be above. Yes, I do have a hands free set for my cell phone. It's in my glove compartment, where it's been since Christmas of last year when my mother gave it to me. That being said, I also don't have long conversations on the phone in the car. I keep the conversations functional ("you want me to pick up some milk?"), not recreational, ("Oh. My. God. You'll never guess who I saw at the mall?! Jessica! Yeah, right? Seriously. She got so fat since prom"). I will agree that talking on the cell phone in the car is distracting, and I confess to not being at my peak driving ability while on it. And this topic of distraction also covers putting on make-up, shaving, and "road head."

Also, I cannot understand why traffic backs up for miles when there is an accident...on the other side of the road? Can't people rubberneck at 60 mph? I understand that a bitchin' car wreck can totally make the commute to work better, and I appreciate the sight of mangled metal just as much as the next guy, but still...keep it moving!

And it boggles my mind that you have thousands of fully functional human beings capable of dressing themselves and going to the bathroom without the assistance of licensed care professional, yet these same people cannot figure out how to successfully merge into traffic from an on-ramp.

Not to sound like a Drivers Ed teacher, but the left lane, also known as the passing lane, or fast lane, is for…you guessed it: passing and driving fast. If you can't go at least the speed limit, stay out of the fast lane. Likewise, if I'm doing 80 in the fast lane, and you come up behind me doing 95 mph flashing your brights, do NOT expect me to change lanes, especially when doing so would put me behind a slower moving car that I'm attempting to pass. Basically, if you show me your high beams, I show you my brake lights. And if you show me your middle finger, I'll fuck your wife when you're not home. Don't test me.

Conversely, people who drive too slowly are equally as dangerous as those with lead feet. If you can't handle the speed limit, stay off the high way and take the back roads. And if you're slow due to being 90 years old and not being able to see above the steering wheel, then just stay home or have someone younger, perhaps the hot 75 year old down the hall, drive you around.

Next up, motorcycles. I have nothing against them, per se. But I do have a problem with these idiots on Suzuki "crotch rockets" who zip in between cars at a buck-ten, or perhaps when the rest of us in cars are in traffic, and think that because their vehicle can fit in between the other vehicles on the road, that somehow traffic laws don't apply to them. Listen dickheads, or "organ donors" as I've heard them referred to as, you're riding a bicycle with a motor on it and your vehicle has a kick stand. Grow up or stay off the road. And that hot chick on the back of your bike? Well, she'll dump your ass as soon as she meets a guy who rides a Harley. Just be prepared.

Also, the breakdown lane is for broken down vehicles (and emergency personnel) not assholes who don't want to sit in traffic. Next person who passes me in a breakdown lane while I'm in bumper-to-bumper traffic will be getting a visit from the Tooth Fairy, meaning I will come into your house one night and knock all your teeth out with a sock full of quarters. Another thing that irks me is people who are in such a hurry that they creep up under the red light so that as soon as it turns green, they're off, leaving only a trail of exhaust behind and the rest of us thinking, "Wow, it must be so cool to have to be somewhere that badly. Perhaps dinner with a high ranking government official or maybe they're just late for their bikini wax." But the problem is, the assholes get so far under the light, that they can't see it anymore, so when it turns green, they're still sitting there holding up traffic while my blood pressure spikes and I lose about 7 minutes off of my life.

Lastly, you have these people who are forced to merge into another lane either to get off an exit, or because their lane is ending, and they wait until the last possibly minute to merge because, apparently, their parents raised them to believe that they're superior to everyone else and can't be bothered with waiting in line like the rest of us. Well if you're one of those people, I've got a secret to tell you: Come closer….closer….Ready?.... Your parents were WRONG! You ain't any better than me or the guy in that SUV back there. Don't expect my car to yield to you. I've been sitting in this lane for 10 minutes since about 1000 feet back that way, listening to some awful Top 40 song on the radio, going 5 miles per hour waiting to get off this exit ramp and you zoom along next to me and think that because you've got nowhere else to go, that I MUST let you in. Sorry, bub. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? (Points at self) This guy! (Yes, I stole that from 'Scrubs.')

Basically, all I'm asking is that people show a little more respect for each other on the road. Acknowledge the fact that you're behind the wheel of a vehicle, which unlike those matchbox cars we played with as kids, can actually do damage to other cars. People die every day from careless mistakes of others. If you feel the need to drive 100 mph, then move the fuck to Germany. If you're more at pace w/ 50 mph on the highway, then take the nearest exit, catch the early bird special at Denny's and stick to back roads.

Am I (Still) the Only One?

2006-08-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who loves movie previews? I remember as a youngster having to sit through what seemed like endless previews in order to watch Oliver and Company or the Land Before time. I hated previews, so much so that in cutest bright-eyed 8 year old boy voice, I would look up at my loving father, who was holding my popcorn and Id ask (God, this is so cute), "Daddy, when is the fucking movie gonna start?" He would smile that loving fatherly smile, muss with my hair, and say, "Son, shut the fuck up and eat your Sno-caps." And that, my friends, is the best advice anyone has ever given me.

It is only within the past few years that I've really come to appreciate a well crafted movie trailer. It can illicit from moviegoers the same emotions that the movie itself is expected to: anticipation, suspense, tears, laughter, and thrills. Its only genuine movie magic that can make me turn to my buddy next to me and exclaim, "Wow, that new Wayans brothers movie looks great!" Just kidding. There’s a difference between magic and miracles.

They should make an entire movie out of just previews. And I don’t mean Ebert and Roper. No commentators, no thumbs up, down, side wise, diagonally. Sit on those thumbs, bub. Just gimme more previews.

What’s the best part of the movie trailers? The narrator’s voice! That deep, gravely and totally unmistakable, and somewhat eerie voice. If I had that voice, I'd narrate everything! Everyday life would be so much more profound. For example, in the middle of a dinner date, I'd reach out, grab my dates hand, and say, “One man...on a mission.... to conquer the odds ....struggling to find the girl of his dreams.....and get her to take her clothes off..... Coming soon to a bedroom near you: My Naked White Ass. Rated R for Ridiculousness."

Conversely, am I the only one who hates commercials at the movies? Last weekend, they had a commercial for KY personal lubricant before the movie. What the hell am I suppose do with this information? I'm trying to watch the movie but can’t get the phrase "warms on contact” outta my head!

Am I the only one who hates being asked to give money to charity at the supermarket? I'm not talking about the Salvation Army at Christmas time. I mean as I’m at the register. I've just spent $100 on Diet Pepsi, Cottage Doubles and Skippy Peanut butter, when they come out with "Would you like to donate a dollar to help kids fight cancer?" Ah, damn! You can't say no without feeling like a total asshole. But I think I’ve come up with the perfect response: "Sure! Why don’t you gimme the name and address of a kid with cancer and I'll go to their house and take them out for ice cream." It's much more personal and would really raise the spirits of the kids. I guarantee you they will not break out the phone book. Just shows you that these companies aren't as dedicated to fighting cancer as they want you to think.

Hey, speaking of kids.....

Am I the only one thinks Anne Geddes is out of her mind? She's the lady who photographs babies enveloped in flower petals, in baskets, and other creepy shit. And what's worse is that the babies all look dead. People are so worried about pedophiles on the internet and hangin around schoolyards, but no one seems to be concerned about her. This woman is seriously disturbed and needs to be stopped. No one, not anybody, should have such a sick fascination with children.
On a related note, am I the only one who finds these baby dolls that look like real babies to be the creepiest fucking things ever? Again, you buy materials to make bombs and the Feds tag you as a terrorist, but if you buy one of these freaky ass dolls, no one bats an eye. I think these people need to be watched a bit closer.

The same with every college girl who has posters of little half naked boys and girls kissing. The RIAA was cracking down on every college kid who downloaded a Backstreet Boys song, but no one was alerted to the fact that many of these same people have soft-core child pornography hanging on their walls! What is the attraction?! I like my porn the old fashioned way; 2 girls, a horse, and a midget. God Bless!

Am I the only one who both hates & loves Sonic? I'm not sure if I hate them because they take up my valuable time advertising their wares on TV here and there isn’t a sonic with 400 miles. Or maybe I love them because over the years they've etched permanent space in my brain, now known as my medulla oblon-Sonic. Is it faulty marketing? Or perhaps genius? I haven’t figured that part out yet.

If I Were Famous

2006-08-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

First off, I would not get married. At least not to a celebrity. It never lasts. I don't know if it's the hectic schedules, or the egos, or perhaps just the pressure of being a celebrity and having to appear accessible to pretty much the world while having so many details of your life scrutinized by so many. Regardless, no celebrity wife for me, though I would certainly date them. I'd have whirlwind romance after romance, but they would all end the same way: in dramatic fashion involving a car chase, an escaped Panda from the San Diego zoo and a structure fire.

Eventually, I'd get sick of famous women, so I would have to get hooked up with someone out of the spotlight, such as a truck stop diner waitress with a cute little bun in her hair who wears horn rimmed glasses and snaps her gum real loud like while shouting, "Where them damn pancakes, Otis?!" Otis, of course, is the gruff and greasy, but loveable, owner of the diner. Forget about Otis.

Secondly, I'd manage my money well. When I hear of some celebrity squandering away all their money and winding up broke, I can't help but laugh. Many of these idiots have millions thrown at them and the piss it away while the average Joe (or Ryan) will probably never see a million dollars in their lifetime, but somehow often manage to make it work. I would not have lavish homes on every coast, but rather a modest home with a few optional features as gifts to myself. I'd have a nice car or two, but my lifestyle would not necessitate a fleet of expensive automobiles. Most importantly, I would make wise investments and save my money. That way, when after the fame and legal expenses (see below) are gone, I'll be able to reap the benefits of smart financial planning.

Now we know how much people get crazy over the pics of expectant mothers and celebrity babies. I would not disappoint. As a practical joke, I would have my wife fake a pregnancy and then when she "gave birth" I would let the paparazzi photograph me with our "baby", which would actually be a monkey in a diaper. But, I would not acknowledge that fact, which would leave people wondering, "Um....does he realize..?" Yes. Yes, I do. His name is Ralph and he's got his daddy's smile. And he throws poop.

Moving on: Theres always a constant battle between the paparazzi and the celebrities. You always see these celebrities covering their faces or acting like they don't want their pictures taken. Fuck that. Take my picture. In fact, let me just give you some. Here's me throwing a football on the beach on vacation, here's me looking all aloof, yet intense GQ style, or getting out of my car with my lastest love interest. I would follow the paparazzi around. Need another picture of me? Wanna stake out my house? I'll be on the lawn posing for photos and handing out autographed 8x10s. The paparazzi would eventually have no interest in me and have no choice but to focus on the important stuff, i.e. which Biblical character or fucking piece of fruit the lead singer of Coldplay is gonna name his next kid after.

Now, as a celebrity, I would also give back to the community.

I would use my celebrity to get Perfect Strangers and MTVs The State released on DVD. You can thank me later.

I would also use my celebrity and the fame and money associated with it for good. I'll let Bono, Angelina Jolie and all those other pompous Hollywood assholes parade around starving African nations with their Gucci, Prada, and Vera Wang, and act as if somehow they can identify with the plights of the needy. I'm not that arrogant. Here's what I would do:

I would help authorities solve crimes. I would go along on police rides, interview witnesses, interrogate suspects, and analyze forensic evidence in a makeshift crime lab in my basement. Ryan L: musician/actor/criminal profiler. It just sounds so good!

Lastly, but very importantly, I'd kill someone. I wouldn't necessarily murder anyone, but I'd be directly or indirectly responsible for someone elses death, enough so that charges would be brought against me. This would probably be towards the end of my career, when my albums aren't selling as well, or the movie roles arent coming in as readily. Perhaps my gum-chewing truck-stop waitress wife would be found dead at the bottom of the stairs. Clichéd? Yes. But it's just an idea. Anyhow, a celebrity trial is always a crowd pleaser and I'd milk it for all it was worth. I'd have entrance music like I was a wrestler and it was the main event at Wrestlemania! I'd enter the courtroom to "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses. Then I'd flex and point at the prosecution and say "What ya gonna do, brother, when these 24-inch pythons run innocent on you?!!" My defense attorney would be like my manager and he would distract the judge while I hit the Prosecuting attorney with a steel chair. And then I'd body slam him into the Spanish announcers table and sign autographs for the jury.

Once I'm acquitted (using a great lawyer contact that I made while assisting on my police investigations as detailed above), then I'll retire away to a small town to write my tell-all book and die peacefully in my sleep at the age of 94, lying next to the 25 year old blonde model that I'd been dating.

Am I the Only One?

2006-06-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who doesn't care to see Da Vince Code? Or read the book? Or buy the lunchbox, the t-shirt and or any other merchandise? Is it weird that I just don't care? I'm not a hater. I simply have no interest in it.

Am I the only one who doesn't give a shit about Angelina Jolie? I never thought she was that hot. And I certainly can't stand hearing about her and Brad Pitt (Brangelina? Good fucking God!) I don't care that she has big lips and I don't care that she's adopted the entire nation of Uganda. Her philanthropy really doesn't tickle me much. Same with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (TomKat? I think I want to kill myself). He's insane. That's pretty much the bottom line.

Am I the only one who doesn't like Coldplay? I guess it's for those who think U2 is a little too hardcore! Seriously, their music is so boring that the last time I heard a Coldplay song on the radio, I fell asleep before I could cut my wrists.

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that 4 ½ years seems to be the appropriate length of time to go by before Hollywood can FINALLY start making a profit from September 11? Phew! Glad that whole cultural sensitivity shit is finally over. First United 93, now there’s a new Oliver Stone movie with Nicolas Cage (screw those no name actors!) about the firemen trapped in the World Trade Center. I guess 4 ½ years was long enough. Show me the money!

Am I the only one who doesn't cum in my pants over cover bands? Seriously, some cover bands are good, I will admit. But does EVERY cover band have to play the same songs? Is there any allowance for creativity and originality even when you're playing other peoples' music? And I don't mean just wearing a silly hat. To all you human Jukeboxes: don't be afraid to shake things up a bit. I'd love to see a cover band that played all b-sides! Here's a Bon Jovi song that you can only hear by purchasing a rare German Import from 1991. Good luck!

Am I the only one who thinks the whole romance between former Washington State teacher Mary Kay Letourneau and her (then) student is actually kind of sweet? I mean, OK so it might have a little wrong back then when he was like 13, BUT its been about 10 years! He's grown up, she's out of jail and they're still together and in love. Imagine that! A love that actually stood the test of time (and incarceration). In a country where half of all marriages end in divorce, and people are so wrapped up in their own sexual insecurities that the idea of gay people marrying bothers us more than the idea of a president who is willing to send thousands of troops to die for his personal agenda a.k.a "daddy issues", perhaps we shouldn't pass too much judgment on people who actually seem like they have a shot of being happy. Plus, you must consider one important thing: she is HOT! Seriously, go Villi! (By the way, do you know that Letourneau is actually in Microsoft Word spell check?)

Am I the only one who is disappointed when I get stuck in bumper-to- bumper traffic for an hour and the accident turns out only to be some stupid fender bender or some car with a flat tire? Don't you secretly wanna see some catastrophic 20 car pile-up to justify your inconvenience? Yes, you do:)

Am I the only one who thinks it's sad that more people vote for an American Idol than for President? The show is very proud of this statistic; however, maybe if more people voted for President, perhaps this country wouldn't be hated by the entire world. Just a thought. Maybe voting should be done via text messaging on cell phones in 2008 and the winner could release a CD of his (or her?) inauguration speech remixed by Kanye West.

Why music reviews are useless.....

2006-03-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

I do a lot of online shopping for music. Often, I find myself reading the drivel that "fans" write about music I'm interested in purchasing. No more. I can't do it. I've come to realize what idiots people are and how music reviews are generally pretty useless. Ironically, I spent two years in college writing music reviews. OK, but I'm done with it. I mean, reviews are opinions and everyone has different opinions. YOu can't always explain why you do or do not like something. It's a matter or taste that is often out of your control. That's why sound clips are very helpful. Much more so than fan reviews.

First off, to those who post on cdnow.com/amazon.com, if you DON'T LIKE the artist or genre of music in the first place, shut the fuck up and don't post. Someone who hates Green Day should not be putting their 2 cents in regarding a Green Day CD. Your opinion doesn't matter because you are not a fan of their music in the first place, and it's beyond me why you think anyone should care what you have to say.

Also, if you do decide to read a music review and base your purchase on someone else's opinion, AT LEAST let it be a debut album so that these "fans" have nothing else to base their review on. Because as soon as you start getting to sophomore efforts and beyond, people always compare it to the first CD and it is usually never for the better. God forbid an artist become more skilled, a better musician or a better singer. Or perhaps (you may wanna take a seat for this one) they actually decide to expand their sound and write songs in a different or varied (are you seated?) style. That's fuckin' blasphemy in the eyes (ears) of the finicky fan.

Then again, people who write these reviews are not true fans of an artist because they allow virtually no room for growth and maturity. They are fairweather fans who will only support the artist as long as their music stays the same over time. If you are a musician and your three albums are virtually indistinguishable from one another, chances are you're going to get a great online review. Congratulations, you've appeased the masses by showing no versatility whatsoever in your craft.

So, yeah, what I'm saying is that you should trust your ears and own tastes when it comes to...well, anything really, but in this case, music. Check around for sound clips and if you HAVE to read a music review, read one in an actual magazine by people who actually do this for a living and who know how to write.